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WOSSNAME -- October 2009 -- Part 4 of 4

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  • granny_tude
    WOSSNAME -- OCTOBER 2009 -- PART 4 OF 4 (continued) ... oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo ====Part 4 -- HOROSCOPE AND CLOSE 24) YOUR MONTHLY
    Message 1 of 1 , Oct 26 2:17 AM
      WOSSNAME -- OCTOBER 2009 -- PART 4 OF 4 (continued)

      ====Part 4 -- HOROSCOPE AND CLOSE

      25) CLOSE



      by Fernando Magnifico

      Buongiorno my friends, it is I, Fernando Magnifico! The Lady
      Asterisk is unavailable today, for she has a bad radish, but do not
      fear, for Fernando shall be your astrologer today!

      My friends, last month I told you that Fernando's membership of the
      Guild of Prognosticators, Soothsayers, Fortunetellers,
      Oneiromancers, Haruspices and Cunning-Men (divers wizards, witches,
      priests, priestess and Mrs Cake exempted) had expired, and Fernando
      was prohibited from casting the horoscopes. Due to the dastardly
      machinations of the despicable Carlos (I am sure), Fernando's
      membership renewal has gone missing for the *third* time! But do not
      be afeared my friends, for Fernando shall throw caution to the winds
      of Flatulus, as they say, and write the horoscope regardless! Let
      the Guild do their worst, Fernando is not afraided! Besides,
      Fernando has discovered that the Guild official in charge of his
      case, Cornelius Fludd, is married to the daughter of Fernando's
      paesano Bruno, who you may remember was sat on by a sow after giving
      the disrespect to Aunt Peppita.

      My friends, Fernando knows very well that footsball is the King of
      Sports! This month, Ankh-Morpork has gone footsball mad, for the
      long awaited grudge-match between Unseen University and Brazeneck
      University is finally upon us! These two universities have been the
      traditional rivals for months, and so Fernando knows that this will
      be a match to never forget -- especially as it is said the captains
      of both teams have asked the Patrician to allow the use of the non-
      fatal spells during the match. This promises to be a match to talk
      about for years, and the spectacle will be worth the almost
      insignificante risk of being turned into a kakaparrot by some mis-
      aimed spell. Fernando has the looking forward to this match almost
      as much as he looks forward to watching Fabiano Capisce play for
      Rail Youventis in the Brindisi Cup this year, and so in honour of
      this occasion Fernando has asked the stars for their advice on what
      is your best footsball position to play, and who is the player you
      are the most like.

      Ciao bella! Go Youventis!!!


      The Adamant Hedgehog 21 Mar - 20 Apr

      Your footsball position is: ONE OF THE MOB

      Fernando knows that Hoggers have the very spiky attitude and the
      ability to curl into the small ball for self-defence. This will be
      very valuable to you, for the stars say that you are best suited for
      playing Feegleball. A dangerous variety of footsball, played
      wherever Feegles can be found passed-out drunk, each team has two or
      three hundred brave, foolish or merely suicidal men. The object is
      to kick the Feegle from one side of the town to the other without
      being beaten to a bloody pulp by either the opposition or the
      Feegle. Do not be upset my friends, for Feegles are tougher than
      they look and being kicked or trodden on is unlikely to hurt them.
      There are no positions in the game of Feegleball, only a great big
      mob -- except perhaps the foetal position if the Feegle wakes up
      during the game.

      The stars tell Fernando that the player you are most like is Archie
      Gerbil, the Scourge of the Scours, who in the Year of the Greased
      Weasel scored a goal by dropping Awfully-Big-Nosed-Jamie MacFeegle
      down the pants of Danny "The Boy" Parsnip's pants, then drop-kicking
      The Boy across the goal line while he was screaming. Fernando is not
      sure who he is most sorry for, Parsnip, or the Feegle.


      The Half-Eaten Sandwich 21 Apr - 21 May

      Your footsball position is: ATTACKING MIDFIELDER

      Munchers, the stars say that your position is the attacking
      midfielder, the molto shining star of the footsball team. Your job
      is to to be the offensive pivot of the team, around whom the team's
      attacks are centred. Fernando understands that being the offensive
      pillock is entirely up to you, although historically being the
      offensive pillock is, as they say, part of the job description. As
      attacking midfielder, the team will expect you to use your amazing
      ball-footing and ball-heading skills to help your less talented
      team-mates to score, both on and off the field.

      The stars tell Fernando that the player you are most alike is Django
      de Marat-d'Auney, "the Hand of Io", the dirty cheating Quirmian who
      cost Rail Youventis the Cup nearly two years ago. Fernando is sick
      to the stomach to even write his name, but Fernando will suffer for
      your sake my friends, for the stars have spoken.


      Herne the Hunted 22 May - 21 Jun

      Your footsball position is: WINGER

      Hernians, the stars say the footsball position best suited to you is
      the winger. You need to run fast, which is well-suited to the
      Hernian fizziology. The ability to kick the ball with both feet is
      very valuable, but Fernando knows that even more valuable is the
      awareness of when you are about to be trampled by the opposition
      players and also the ability to quickly get out of the way.

      The player you are most alike is the famous winger Alessandro
      'Huevos' Rancheros, renowned for his ability to score with both
      feet, and famous for his family of eighteen children. Fernando knows
      that he obviously is not just scoring with his feet.


      The Wizard's Staff and Knob 22 Jun - 22 Jul

      Your footsball position is: CENTRE-BACK

      The stars have spoken to Fernando, and told him that the position
      Staffies is most suited to is the centre-back. As centre-back you
      will need to be tall, or at least large, and molto brave and
      decisive. Your job is to stop the opposition from getting close
      enough to goal to score, and since the Staffies are known for being
      competitive, strong-willed and determined, to say nothing of willing
      to take advantage of your opponent's weaknesses, Fernando knows that
      you will be a successful centre-back if you can overcome your
      natural inclination to have fourths or even fifths for supper.

      The player you are the most alike is the famous centre-back for
      Armoury, The Hon. Charlton Fimsbury Hazeldine-Cruft, or "Chazza" to
      Armoury supporters and "that mad toff" to everyone else. Known for
      his dirty tackles and absolute disregard for the sporting spirit of
      the game, Chazza's most famous clash was in the match against the
      club Hardenup Hotspikes. Taking advantage of the referee being
      momentarily stunned by a thrown pork-pie from the crowd, he took the
      opportunity to take down Dugdale 'The Gentleman' Spork by tackling
      him behind play so hard he ended up wearing The Gentleman's jersey.


      Bilious, God of Hangovers 23 Jul - 23 Aug

      Your footsballer position is: STRIKER

      Bilians, the stars have said your position is the striker. The
      striker is given few defensive responsibilities, which is good for
      you as Fernando knows that after a vino or three Bilians aren't so
      very good at the responsibilities. Or for that matter, the fast
      reactions and quick running, but the stars must know something
      Fernando does not, for they have spoken. And indeed the player you
      are most like is the Disc-famous Mateus Vinho de Rosay, known
      everywhere as Edmundo (although no-one knows quite why), one of the
      greatest goal-scorers the Disc has ever seen, and a true gentleman
      when he has not over-indulged in the grappa.


      The Celestial Parsnip 24 Aug - 23 Sept

      Your footsball position is: FULL-BACK

      Fernando knows that the full-back is expected to be strong and
      intimidating. Traditionally the full-back is expected to be a solid
      defender, like a wall as they say, although some teams today have
      experimented with the faster, more agile and attacking player like
      the Zlobenian full-back Hermann 'Hutspa' Jagomeister. Fernando
      prefers the old ways, like the player you are most like: Llamedese
      full-back Dai Huw Gareth-Pugh-Davies, known as "The Icebox" and
      sometimes mistaken for a troll.


      The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct

      Your footsball position is: INSIDE FORWARD

      Boring'uns, Fernando knows what you are thinking -- footsball, even
      the more refined "no contact" version played today, is far too
      exciting for you to even watch, let alone play. My friends, Fernando
      understands why you say this, but the stars have spoken, and in fact
      the most celebrated footsballer of all time, the legendary Navaroni
      Pimiento, otherwise known as Puli, is a Boring'un! Fernando
      remembers being taken to see Puli in an exhibition match when he was
      a small boy (Fernando, not Puli). To watch Puli's skills on the
      footsball ground was a thing to behold, a thing of great beauty,
      almost as much as Fernando himself. Even to this day, Puli is held
      in such great respect that when he visits the great city of Ankh-
      Morpork he can walk through the Shades without losing any of his
      arms or famous legs. So be not afeared, Boring'uns, for if it is
      your fate to be the inside forward your life will not be dangerous.


      Androgyna Majestis 24 Oct - 22 Nov

      Your footsball position is: GENERAL MIDFIELDER

      The stars say that your position is the general midfielder, or box-
      to-box player. Fernando knows that to be the complete midfielder,
      you must be flexible and able to play both attacking and defensive
      roles, and it is this double-nature which is the very much suited to
      the Andies. Fernando knows all about being flexible, and practises
      his stretching exercises for an hour every day.

      The stars also say that the player you are most alike is Darrin
      Bechamel, known to his legions of fans as "Ecrous d'argent".
      Fernando knows that "The Sauce", as he is also known, makes the
      womenfolk swoon almost as much as Fernando does, which only goes to
      show that some people are the very easily impressed.


      The Spoons, a.k.a. the Greater and Lesser Spoons, 23 Nov - 21 Dec

      Your footsball position is: GOAL KEEPER

      Spooners, Fernando has the good news and the bad news for you, for
      the stars have said that your position is the Goalkeeper or Goalie.
      The good news is that this is a position of great importance, the
      last line of defence in any footsball team, the only player allowed
      to touch the ball with his hands (apart from Django de
      Marat-d'Auney, it seems), and most importantly, the player who gets
      to wear the stylish jersey different from the jersey worn by his
      teammates. But the bad news is, if you let the goal through, your
      name will be cursed onto a hundred generations, or until the next
      time you save a goal, whichever happens first.

      The player you are most alike is Hans "Totenhosen" Totalvoetbal,
      Most Valuable Player for the club Acme in the Year of the Dancing
      Bear. Fernando remembers seeing Totalvoetbal caught far out of
      position once, and still save the goal by throwing the opposition
      captain into the ball's path.


      Hoki the Jokester 22 Dec - 20 Jan

      Your footsball position is: XXXXIAN FULL-FORWARD

      In distant Fourecks, they play the game of "XXXXian Footy", or "best
      bloody bewt game bar none", as the locals call it. This Footy is a
      strange, disturbing sport, where each team might easily kick twenty
      or thirty goals in a single game, instead of one or two on a good
      day as the gods intended. And Fernando asks, what sort of sport
      rewards the team for missing the goal by giving them a consolation
      point? It is very strange, the sport of jokers, and so the stars say
      that this will suit Hokians very much. Your position is the Full-
      Forward, the player whose job it is to kick goals, or at least
      points, to shout abuse at the supporters (of either team), and to
      leap moltissimo high into the air to catch either the ball or a

      The player you are most alike is Bazza "Porkchop" Locker, who played
      for the XXXX Footy League and kicked eleven thousand goals in one
      season despite having to play with a small pig stuffed down his
      shirt after losing a bet.


      The Rather Large Gazunda 21 Jan - 18 Feb

      Your footsball position is: DEFENSIVE MIDFIELDER

      Gazundians, your position is the Defensive Midfielder. The Defensive
      Midfielders are the players who cover the most amount of ground
      during a game, running up to seven or eight miles in a single game.
      Fernando knows that your task is to harass and tackle the
      opposition, and if all else fails, to pretend to be hit by another
      player and throw yourself theatrically to the ground in front of the

      The player you are most alike is Gustav Pilsner, "the big bad
      Ballkontroller from Bad Blintz", who once ran twelve miles during a
      single game: nine miles after the ball, and three miles to the local
      tavern and back when the half-time beer barrel ran out.


      Lesser Umbrage 19 Feb - 20 Mar

      Your footsball position is: THE DEEP-LYING FORWARD

      Umbragians, the stars say your position is the deep-lying forward,
      an unorthodox position invented by Puska Bagor from the mountainous
      district of Magyarya. You may also know him as the pappa of the
      famous Bagor sisters Cha-Cha and Viva, who Fernando is molto
      disappointed to have been born just a few years too late to meet,
      such is the cruelty of fate. The deep-lying forward is an attacking
      position, similar to the striker, but better suited to the deceitful
      style of play used by the Quirmians and the flexible view towards
      the facts as practised by Umbragians.

      The player you are most alike Ilyich "Gloomy Trousers" Slivovitzky,
      who won the Uberwald Cup for his team by playing on the opposition's
      side and kicking three own-goals before they realised who he was.


      25) CLOSE

      Eek! We've run out of room! See you next month!

      -- Annie Mac


      End of Part 4.
      If you did not get all four parts, write: interact@...
      Copyright (c) 2009 by Klatchian Foreign Legion
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