Loading ...
Sorry, an error occurred while loading the content.

WOSSNAME -- JULY 2009 -- PART 5 OF 5

Expand Messages
  • Not A Granny
    WOSSNAME -- JULY 2009 -- PART 5 OF 5 (continued) ... oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo ====Part 5 -- HOROSCOPE, LEFTOVERS, CLOSE 30) YOUR
    Message 1 of 1 , Jul 27 4:03 AM
    • 0 Attachment
      WOSSNAME -- JULY 2009 -- PART 5 OF 5 (continued)
      ------------------------------------------------------------------------------
      oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

      ====Part 5 -- HOROSCOPE, LEFTOVERS, CLOSE

      30) YOUR MONTHLY DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE
      31) LATE BREAKING NEWS
      32) CLOSE

      oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

      30) THE NEW DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE

      by Fernando Magnifico

      Buongiorno my friends, it is I, Fernando! The Lady Asterisk has
      caught the frumps on both sides, but do not fear, for Fernando will
      be your astrologer today!

      Fernando came to Ankh-Morpork because it is the greatest city on the
      Disc -- the sights! The sounds! The smells! For the lovers of
      cities, Ankh-Morpork is the queen of cities. Perhaps the slightly
      crazy queen who does not wash enough and loves the surprise
      beheadings, but still the queen, and Fernando is proud that
      Morporkia has taken him to her great bosom. But as magnificent as
      the city is, nearly as magnificent as Fernando himself, there are
      those who love the land as much, or perhaps more, than the city.
      Fernando understands this well, my friends, for he too has the
      passion for the land flowing through his veins. It is one of
      Fernando's many passions. So my friends, if you too share Fernando's
      passion for the land, you will be very please this month, for
      Fernando has asked the stars what is your best occupation for
      working on the land. Ciao bella!

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      The Adamant Hedgehog 21 Mar - 20 Apr

      Your occupation is: farming

      Hoggers, the stars say your occupation is to be the farmer. You get
      to work long hours raising the animals or growing the crops. In the
      good years, the bankers or the local baron will take half your
      profit, and in the bad years, when there is flood or drought, they
      will take it all. But it's not all bad, my friends, for it is good
      healthy work, and you will raise the strong bambinos who will grow
      up to leave the farm for the big city and send you a few dollars
      each month. And you will never lack for the freshest food, except
      for the years with flood or drought, or when the banditos come and
      steal everything, or when the plague of pineapples descend, or when
      the army, your country's army, or the enemy's, it doesn't matter,
      passes through.

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      The Half-Eaten Sandwich 21 Apr - 21 May

      Your occupation is: forestry

      Your occupation is the woodcutter or lumberjack. Do not be afeared
      if you do not have your own axe, for one will be provided, and the
      wearing of women's clothes is not compulsory (even for the
      lumberjills), despite what the famous songs may have led you to
      believe. A word of advice, my friends: cultivate the friendship of
      an Igor, for there will come a time when the axe will slip or the
      tree will fall the wrong way. Fernando knows that this is so!

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      Herne the Hunted 22 May - 21 Jun

      Your occupation is: exploring

      Hernians, Fernando knows that you are under the influence of the God
      Of Small Things Which Go Squeak And Die In The Undergrowth, but do
      not be fooled, for Hernians are made of the very stern stuff, as
      they say in Morpork, like Fernando's great-uncle Giuseppe who during
      the war with Borogravia -- not the recent one, or the one before
      that, but the one before the one before that -- crawled three miles
      through the thickest brambles while carrying his capitan to safety.
      It was molto coraggioso, even though the fighting was fifteen miles
      away and the capitan's only injury was a small cut he got shaving.
      Unfortunately after being dragged three miles through thorns he was
      cut to shreds and got blood poisoning and died. Uncle Giuseppe was
      awarded a medal for this -- the Brindisian Army doesn't expect the
      soldiers to be smart so long as they are brave. (Perhaps this is why
      we so often lose the battles? Fernando does not approve of war, and
      prefers to make the love instead. Fernando may have mentioned this
      before. Once or twice.)

      My friends, as a Hernian you too will need to be this brave, for the
      stars say your occupation is of the explorer. Fernando knows that
      you will risk the starvation and thirst, the barbarians and the wild
      beasts, and every privation in savage lands, like Quirm, to discover
      the lands already discovered by those same savages living there.

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      The Wizard's Staff and Knob 22 Jun - 22 Jul

      Your occupation is: running a holiday camp or remote travellers'
      hostel

      Fernando has the good news for Staffies, for the stars say your
      occupation on the land is to run the hostel or holiday camp.
      Fernando knows that this job will be very suitable for the Staffies:
      you can boss around your staff and your customers, you will have the
      services of a kitchen (although Fernando knows that for the smaller
      hostels, you will have to run the kitchen yourself), and the stars
      tell Fernando that you will never be called on to fight ghastly
      Creatures from the Dungeon Dimensions. The only downside is that you
      will need to be up and working before dawn. Fernando feels your
      pain, cara mia.

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      Bilious, God of Hangovers 23 Jul - 23 Aug

      Your occupation is: animal husbandry

      Fernando wonders how many jokes and stories about the farmers and
      their sheeps come from the simple misunderstanding of the animal
      husbandry? For it is not what you think, it is the practice of
      raising and breeding the farm animals. Do not worry my Bilian
      friends, you are not expected to participate in the breeding with
      the bulls, although Fernando knows of some farmers experimenting
      with the, how do you say, milking of the bull. Your job will be to
      see to it that the best animals are kept for breeding, so to improve
      the species. The stars say that this requires attention to detail,
      good record keeping, and a quiet and sober disposition. If you have
      ever had a wine cellar, you at least will have the first two.

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      The Celestial Parsnip 24 Aug - 23 Sept

      Your occupation is: gamekeeping

      Snippies, your occupation is to be the gamekeeper, to work on the
      country estate to prevent poachers, manage the game-birds like
      pheasant and grouse, and control predators like the foxes, weasels
      and Feegles. Fernando understands that the last one is best
      performed by being elsewhere when they are passing through the
      estate. Do not be like Fernando's uncle Salvatore, who once tried to
      stomp on a gnome. Now you know how he got his wooden leg.

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct

      Your occupation is: landscape gardening

      Boring'uns, the stars say that your occupation working on the land
      is to be the landscape gardener. Considering some of the other
      signs, you have got off lucky: all you have to worry about is
      dropping the large stones on your feets, splinters from the shovel,
      sunstroke in summer, chills in winter, biting insects, disturbed
      mouses, snakes in the grass, poisonous spiders under logs, dread
      diseases from the dirt, plants with thorns, hayfever, bee stings,
      waspses and, if you ever do work for a temple or church, Mrs Cake.

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      Androgyna Majestis 24 Oct - 22 Nov

      Your occupation is: sea-faring

      Andies are well known for having the two opposite sides to their
      character, and so it is fitting that the stars say that your
      occupation is the kind of working on the land that's actually
      working on the water. Many a young lad, and a few young lasses, have
      run away to the sea as cabin-boy, only to come back many years later
      with a fleet of ships, a parrot, a fortune in gold, and a price on
      their head. For those who are less piratical, Fernando knows that
      fishing is a good occupation, like Nonigienico the fishmonger in
      Fernando's village. Or you can scavenge the Circumfence, but do not
      let the Krullians catch you.

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      The Spoons, a.k.a. the Greater and Lesser Spoons, 23 Nov - 21 Dec

      Your occupation is: shepherding or droving

      Spooners are good with dogs, and the stars say that you will need to
      be for your occupation, for it is to be the shepherd or drover.
      Fernando knows that to control the sheeps and coos, there is nothing
      like having the well-trained sheepdog or cattle dog. (Fernando has
      often wondered -- why is sheepdog one word, but cattle dog two? And
      why is the meats of a lamb called "lamb", but of a baby coo "veal"?
      Morporkian is a strange language.) The stars also say that you will
      be especially successful should you hire a yennork. Fernando knows
      that this is so!

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      Hoki the Jokester 22 Dec - 20 Jan

      Your occupation is: road-building

      Hokians, your outdoor occupation is the road-builder. You will be
      wokened rudely an hour before dawn by big men with sticks, then
      marched off in chains into the fields where you spend the next ten
      hours hitting rocks with big hammers and picks, and they don't even
      pay you. At least this is what Fernando's cousin Mario tells him,
      who was sentenced to three months road-building for the incident
      with the milk-cow at the magistrate's daughter's wedding.

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      The Rather Large Gazunda 21 Jan - 18 Feb

      Your occupation is: mountaineering

      Gazundians, your occupation is that of the mountaineer, the person
      who climbs to the top of the mountain and then climbs back down. The
      stars warn that coming down again is not necessarily easier than
      going up, because it is a long way to fall if you slip, so be
      careful cara mias! Fernando is not exactly sure why this is the
      occupation, rather than the hobby, but Fernando understands that
      there are peaks of many tall mountains in the Ramtops which have
      never been stood on, apart from by the trolls and yetis and the
      occasional witch, so perhaps you will find some king or duke willing
      to pay you to climb the mountains in the Ramtops and plant his flag.
      Not that the trolls or yetis will care whose flag they eat.

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      Lesser Umbrage 19 Feb - 20 Mar

      Your occupation is: mining

      Fernando knows that there is much mining which is done on the land.
      You can search for gold and jewels without even digging a hole in
      the ground, provided you have a stream and a pan. For those who
      prefer the chances of a much richer find, there is mining underneath
      the land, underground in tunnels. Fernando understands that this is
      the molto dangerous work, especially if you mine in dwarf land
      without paying their fees: there are rock falls, pockets of gas
      (much like Fernando's cousin Ramon, ha ha ha, Fernando makes the
      little joke), hibernating trolls that look like rocks with
      interesting minerals, and worse things. But if not for the miners,
      how would Fernando get his gold medallion?

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      31) AND FURTHERMORE...

      In case you happened to miss this, there's a lovely short video on
      the Terry Pratchett Books homepage of Pterry talking about the
      successes of Discworld books, the way he approached Unseen
      Academicals, and a funny, gentle dig at writers of *any* era who
      don't inject enough realistic touches into their stories. The video
      is embedded about one-third of the way down the page:

      http://www.terrypratchettbooks.com/


      No news back yet from the Darwin Festival that took place earlier
      this month with Pterry and Jack Cohen among the featured guests, but
      hopefully there will be pictures and more for next month's issue.
      The Darwin Festival site says:

      "We have made recordings of all the day-time sessions and we also
      have over 24 hours worth of interviews with speakers and delegates.
      Once this has been edited, which may take some time, this resource
      will be made available via the Festival website as well as a number
      of other channels. We are also putting a Festival photo gallery
      together which should be online by the end of July."

      www.darwin2009festival.com

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      32) AND IT'S AU REVOIR FROM US

      And so another issue staggers in at the eleventh hour of the monthly
      calendar... since the news has been coming so thick and fast, if
      anything urgent comes up between now and August there may be a Hold
      the Back Page special edition. So for now, enjoy those long summer
      days -- or short winter ones, if you're reading this in the
      continent EcksEcksEcksEcks -- and we'll see you again soon!

      @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

      -------------------------------------------------------------------------
      End of Part 5.
      If you did not get all five parts, write: interact@...
      -------------------------------------------------------------------------
      Copyright (c) 2009 by Klatchian Foreign Legion
    Your message has been successfully submitted and would be delivered to recipients shortly.