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WOSSNAME -- JUNE 2009 -- PART 4 OF 4

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  • Not A Granny
    WOSSNAME -- MAY 2009 -- PART 4 OF 4 (continued) ... oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo ====Part 4 -- HOROSCOPE AND CLOSE 29) YOUR MONTHLY
    Message 1 of 1 , Jun 28, 2009
      WOSSNAME -- MAY 2009 -- PART 4 OF 4 (continued)

      ====Part 4 -- HOROSCOPE AND CLOSE

      30) CLOSE


      29) The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct

      Your relative is: the wallflower

      In every family is the wallflower: the person, usually the young
      signorita but sometimes the young signore, who is too shy to even
      say hello. This is like Fernando's niece Credenza, who hides in the
      kitchen at the family gatherings, too nervous to eat. But Fernando
      knows that she is yearning for the special friend, for he can see it
      in her eyes when she thinks that nobody is looking. Alas, for some
      such peoples, they are destined to be the lonely spinster or
      bachelor, but all is not lost, for Fernando has consulted with the
      stars, and they say that such a person is very much suited for the
      romance with the Boring'uns, if you take it molto slowly. But
      beware, my friends, for Fernando knows that sometimes inside such a
      person beats the heart of a tiger in the bedding room, once they
      come out of their shell, and we know what Boring'uns think about the
      big fierce cats. If this happens to you, let Fernando know and he
      will "give you the hand", as they say in Morporkian.


      Androgyna Majestis 24 Oct - 22 Nov

      Your relative is: the young hell-raiser

      My friends, Fernando is sure you know the type: the young gentlemans
      full of Wow-Wow sauce and beans who is always in trouble, causing
      trouble, or about to find himself in the middle of a poo-ful of
      trouble. Like Fernando's cousin Mario: if he is not running naked
      through the church in the middle of the baptisms, he is shooting
      arrows through ladies' hats in the street, or being chased by
      thirty-seven dogs and one cat through the village with a basket of
      bambino's nappies in his arms. (Fernando was there, and counted the
      dogs with his own eyes.) The stars say that they are not the bad
      person, just young and foolish and with more energy than sense.
      Fernando knows that the best way to deal with such a relative is to
      focus their energy into productive activities, like searching for
      lost cities in the jungles of Tezuman or defending the honour of
      Brindisi against the Quirmian footsball supporters.


      The Spoons, a.k.a. the Greater and Lesser Spoons, 23 Nov - 21 Dec

      Your relative is: the hero-worshipping childrens

      Whenever Fernando goes back home to Brindisi, his young nephews and
      nieces and cousins come running down the street to greet him. They
      follow Fernando everywhere, and all wish to be just like Fernando
      when they grow up. Fernando is sad, for there can only be one
      Fernando, and they are not he, but for the sake of the bambinos he
      smiles and tells them that if they eat their chicory and study the
      hair products they too can be as magnificent as Fernando when they
      are grown up. But my friends, you should not be unhappy, for this is
      Fernando's geas to bear, and he willingly carries it. Spooners,
      every family has two or three such small childrens, who will find
      the most magnificent relative, and follow them around and try to be
      just like he or she. Not all childrens are fortunate enough to have
      Fernando in their family, so for those who don't, the stars say you
      should try to be as magnificent as you possibly can be.


      Hoki the Jokester 22 Dec - 20 Jan

      Your relative is: the joker

      Fernando knows that in every family there is at least one, and
      sometimes a dozen, jokers. This is often an uncle, or older bachelor
      cousin, but usually your pappa, who has no sense of humour at all
      but thinks he is the funniest person ever banned from the Fools'
      Guild. If you have a relative who asks you to pull his finger (it is
      always the mans who think this is funny), or who starts every
      conversation with "I say, I say, a funny thing happened to me the
      other day..." then you will know exactly what Fernando is talking
      about. Hokians, the stars say that the best way to deal which such a
      relative is to hit them with a bladder on a stick and then pour
      custard down their pants, but Fernando fears that this will only
      encourage them.


      The Rather Large Gazunda 21 Jan - 18 Feb

      Your relative is: the over-achiever

      In every family there is the one person who, by luck and perhaps the
      hard work, has become richer or more successful than most. Perhaps
      it is someone like Fernando's nephew Niccolo, who went away to Genua
      to become the young hot-shot investment banker. Every Hogswatch, he
      would come back home with a bigger coach, with finer horses, and his
      wife wearing the bigger jewels. Gazundians, the stars say that the
      way to deal with such a person is to bide your time, because
      eventually, like Niccolo, they will make the one too many suspicious
      investments and then flee to the Ting Ling islands one step ahead of
      Baroness Ella Saturday's personal guard.


      Lesser Umbrage 19 Feb - 20 Mar

      Your relative is: the crazy maiden aunt

      Every family has the crazy old maiden aunt, like Fernando's Auntie
      Rosa-Marie, who gives dish-rags for presents and has taken up
      lecturing her nieces and nephews about the importance of eating the
      wood-shavings for roughage. Sometimes she will walk up to Fernando
      and poke him in the chest and tell him to settle down and get
      married and raise the fat bambinos. Crazy talk! Fernando would be
      the magnificent pappa, of course, but Fernando owes it to his
      adoring friends who love him so much to stay single. So Fernando
      tries to tell Auntie that, by the laws of probability, Fernando
      must surely have already raised the many, many fine bambinos (or at
      least planted the seeds for them), but she does not understand.



      And so we come to the end, not so much because we've run out of
      stuff as because we've run out of month. See you next month. Which
      will no doubt be another not-quiet month, so I'm making no
      predictions this time...

      Many, many thanks, as always, to the Newshound Gang and the ever-
      helpful Colin Smythe. See you next month!

      -- Annie Mac


      End of Part 4.
      If you did not get all four parts, write: interact@...
      Copyright (c) 2009 by Klatchian Foreign Legion
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