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WOSSNAME -- MAY 2009 -- PART 5 OF 5

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  • Not A Granny
    WOSSNAME -- MAY 2009 -- PART 5 OF 5 (continued) ... oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo ====Part 5 -- HOROSCOPE, LATE BREAKING NEWS, AND CLOSE
    Message 1 of 1 , May 28, 2009
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      WOSSNAME -- MAY 2009 -- PART 5 OF 5 (continued)


      35) CLOSE



      The Spoons, a.k.a. the Greater and Lesser Spoons, 23 Nov - 21 Dec

      "Dear Mr Fernando, I am a Spooner small businessman supplying the
      working-man of Ankh-Morpork with his daily need viz a viz salt,
      grease, BCBs and other essentials. Competition is getting tough for
      us servers of honest Morporkian food what with these new curry shops
      and dwarf delicatessens opening up, and if the stars have anything
      to say about keeping my share of the edibles market I want to know
      about it. And make it snappy. Signed, S. Harga. (P.S. mention this
      letter for 15 pence off your next plate of Burnt Bacon Crunchy Egg
      and Stale Toast House Special at the House of Ribs.)"

      Fernando loves Ankh-Morpork, but the food! In Brindisi, we have the
      saying, "it is a Morporkian lunch" (only it is much more beautiful
      in Brindisian, you understand), which means it is badly made and not
      good for you. If it were up to Fernando, I would say, Morporkians,
      throw out your burnt chips and greasy sludge, but Fernando is
      scrupulous and would never change what the stars themselves say, no
      matter how much it hurts Fernando. For the stars know that the
      peoples of Ankh-Morpork, otherwise the finest of all peoples outside
      of Brindisi, have little place in their stomachs for the sun-ripened
      tomatoes, plump olives and juicy table-grapes. The stars have this
      to say: on the wall of your shop, you should put the many
      iconographs of the big, fat sandwiches, filled with the finest
      salads and meats. But the sandwiches you serve should be half the
      size, with a few sad pieces of salad and a mean, greasy, salty
      minced-meat patty inside the soft, sweet bread roll, half-filled
      with sugar and air. Your customers will love them.

      It is enough to make Fernando weep. But Fernando is strong.


      Hoki the Jokester 22 Dec - 20 Jan

      "Dear Fernando, I am a Hokian recentlly arrived in Ankh-Morpork from
      Llamedos. Father was relluctant to llet me go, but as he can't work
      on account of his bad lleg, and I am the olldest of a familly of
      seventeen girlls, I have come to the big city to find work. I am
      working as a barmaid for a smallll hotell just off Sator Square, and
      having once mentioned that I'm tallented at sewing and darning, many
      of the patrons have told me I shoulld consider becoming a
      Seamstress. What do the stars suggest I should do? Signed, Miss
      Edith Llewellewellewellyn. P.S. I'm not entirelly ignorant Mr
      Fernando, I'm aware of the difference between needllewoman and
      Seamstress, I just play dumb for the tips."

      Fernando knows that such a job is the very hard: the customers are
      either disrespectful and unpleasant, or they are needy and
      demanding; the long hours, no prospects, and the terrible working
      conditions. And that's for needlewomans -- the job of the barmaids
      is much worse. The stars also say that as a Seamstress, it will be
      exactly the same, but you will be paid a lot more, and Fernando
      knows that you will have the satisfaction that the most unpleasant
      customers will wake up in an alley with the strange parrot-head
      shaped bruise on their head. Fernando is friend to many peoples, of
      all professions, and he knows that as Seamstress your job will be
      scandalous and messy, at least if you do it right. If this excites
      you as much as it excites Fernando, you could reach the very top of
      the Guild.


      The Rather Large Gazunda 21 Jan - 18 Feb

      "Dear Mr Fernando, I hope you will publish my letter, I was just
      saying to my Henry, oh Henry, wouldn't it be wonderful if that nice
      Mr Fernando published my letter, and then he said yes dear, and I
      said that would just go to show that stuck-up Mrs Petty, and he said
      yes dear, and then I said could you believe it, she actually said
      that you made up the letters you published, not my Henry you
      understand, you Mr Fernando, and then my Henry said no dear, and I
      said I know I could hardly believe it myself, but Mrs Mariachi told
      me, and she heard it from her Andy, who heard it direct from the
      gent that Mrs Petty said it to, and then my Henry said that's
      practically official, and I said oh shush Henry, you don't want to
      be boring everybody with your yabbering, and he said yes dear, he
      always has to have the last word my Henry I do love him so but he
      does go on something terrible. Signed, Mrs Analgesic."

      How could Fernando not publish this letter? It would be cruel and
      heartless to not do so, and Fernando is not cruel or heartless.
      Fernando has the very big heart filled with love for all (except for
      Carlos, who we do not talk about, and the Quirmian footsballers, the
      filthy cheaters that they are). So Fernando can assure you that he
      does not make up any of the letters, they are all "the genuine
      article" as they say in Ankh-Morpork. Fernando has checked the
      horoscopes, and the stars say that the hat you like, the one with
      the cherries and stuffed birds, will be on sale soon, and if you
      hurry, you can buy it before Mrs Petty.


      Lesser Umbrage 19 Feb - 20 Mar

      "Dear Mr Fernando, due to a thmall mithunderthanding by my former
      employer, Very Nearly Thane Again Doctor Fauthtith Dithtemper --
      when you order thomeone to pull the thwitch on the thircuit, make
      thure you're not thanding in wet grathth with one hand on the
      capathitor terminal -- I find mythelf without employment in Ankh-
      Morpork. I have a thmall thum put athide for emergenthieth, but I
      wonder whether it would be prudent to vithit my couthin Igor in
      Thlithe until the Doctor'th will hath been read in cathe hith heirth
      want it back. What do the thtarth have to thay about thith? Signed,

      Fernando knows very well the importance of the good communications,
      and sometimes the importance of avoiding the bad communications.
      Fernando has checked with the stars, and they say that Slice is too
      close. Perhaps you have the relatives back in Uberwald you could
      visit? It is important to see your family, Fernando knows this is
      true, which is why Fernando always goes back to Brindisi to see his
      family, even his cousin Donatella, who looks like the terrifying
      ghoul and behaves just as badly.




      Paul van Oven, a Discworlder in the Netherlands, wants to get a
      Dutch Discworld convention up and rolling! My Dutch is limited to a
      small selection of phrases one can't reprint in a family-friendly
      newsletter, but here is what Babelfish made of his letter:

      "Dear people, Previous month I you for a brainstorming session have
      invited concerning discworldcon in the Netherlands. Here a number of
      positive reakties on has come and on 7 June next there is at home a
      meeting as from 12 hours at me. To leave the catering well gone I
      want of everyone that gladly want come an affirmative have, with
      indication what for characteristics is there for the rolls and
      drinking. We start with lunch. The set-up is not already too late,
      finish so that people who come be of further also still on a
      reasonable time at home. It is of course also possible 's-avonds
      Chinese to obtain or at Chinese eat to will. Pleasant greeting"

      ...the gist of which is easy enough to understand! So if any of you
      happen to find youself in the Netherlands on 7th June, here are the
      contact details:

      Paul van Oven
      Plantsoen 14
      3755 HJ Eemnes
      tel 0355310115



      That's it for the merrie month of May. I hope you all gave a thought
      on the 25th to the brave folks who fell at the Battle of Treacle
      Mine Road and elsewhere. Many thanks as always to the Newshound Gang
      for their invaluable help, and to Fernando, even if he tends to be
      rather late with his horoscopes. Take care, and see you next month!


      End of Part 5.
      If you did not get all five parts, write: interact@...
      Copyright (c) 2009 by Klatchian Foreign Legion
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