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WOSSNAME -- MAY 2009 -- PART 4 OF 5

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  • Not A Granny
    WOSSNAME -- MAY 2009 -- PART 4 OF 5 (continued) ... oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo ====Part 4 -- YOUR MONTHLY DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE 32)
    Message 1 of 1 , May 28, 2009
      WOSSNAME -- MAY 2009 -- PART 4 OF 5 (continued)





      by Fernando Magnifico

      Buongiorno my friends, it is I, Fernando, I shall be your astrologer
      today, for the Lady Asterisk is sick in her boudoir with the
      hipplopotamus flu.

      Since Fernando first came to this magnificent city, almost as
      magnificent as Fernando himself, he has been receiving the very many
      fine letters from his readers every month. My friends, you can be
      sure that Fernando reads the every one of them, yes, even the ones
      written with the crayons on the backs of old envelopes. Sometimes
      the letters are to tell Fernando how magnificent he is, sometimes
      they are to ask for Fernando's advice or help, and many of them from
      the young signorinas (and a few of the young signores) are to
      promise their undying love for Fernando. So this month, Fernando is
      going to answer a selection of the questions sent to him by his
      readers. You too can have your questions answered magnificently by
      Fernando! Just send your questions by C-Mail to
      <Magnifico@...> or by the Roundworld E-Mail to
      <magnifico at pearwood.info>.

      Ciao bella!


      The Adamant Hedgehog 21 Mar - 20 Apr

      The first letter is from a Hogger, who writes:

      "To Mr Fernando Magnifico, I am a young Dwarf working in a
      responsible position for a high-profile arm of the City government.
      A few years ago I 'came out' to my colleagues and friends as female.
      I have met a nice Dwarf who I am very nearly sure could be male, and
      he's been hinting at some, er, exotic practices. I think he wants me
      to, um, you know, shave. Up there. My beard. Some of my more
      conservative relatives and colleagues, to say nothing of the Deep
      Downers, are still upset that I wear dresses, so I think this would
      possibly cause them to go completely spare. I don't think I can
      handle the embarrassment of being beardless in public, but at the
      same time the idea is strangely attractive. What should I do?
      Signed, Not So Cheery Now."

      Fernando knows well the conflict you feel. Not for Fernando himself,
      you understand, for when Fernando makes up his mind to do a thing,
      he does it, with no regrets, but for the many people, their first
      "full Tezuman" is the very big decision. How much more so if the
      Tezuman is visible in public, and not just in the privacy of your
      bedroom or kitchen? This is what it must be like for the Dwarfs and
      their beards. Fernando has learned much from the great Dwarf lover
      Casanunda, who has shaved his beard off, but such a cost! For
      Casanunda now spends all his time away far from his family, his
      people and the mines. The stars say that this is not a burden that
      all are prepared to carry, and Fernando knows that this is so! But
      perhaps you could have your beard made into the face-wig, for
      wearing in public? Fernando hears that more Dwarfs than you know
      already do this thing.


      The Half-Eaten Sandwich 21 Apr - 21 May

      "Hello dearie, this is Dotsie here... and this is Sadie kind sir,
      I'm a Muncher and dear Aunty Dotsie is a Spooner, but I'm sure that
      won't cause such a talented boy as you any trouble. I'm sure a kind
      boy like you doesn't want any trouble. Aunty Dotsie and I have a
      question for you, if you would be so kind. A very important
      question, kind sir, one which Dotsie and I know you will answer very
      carefully. Where can we get a nice strawberry jam for our cream tea?
      There's a bit of a shortage of strawberries, you understand, we've
      looked everywhere. Something about unseasonable cold weather.
      Dotsie's even opened her handbag at some of the merchants, but they
      can't do anything about the weather, the poor things. We've tried
      raspberry jam but it just isn't the same."

      This letter is the challenge for Fernando's astrology, for it is
      written by the two peoples, of different signs. But do not fear, for
      Fernando is "up for it", as they say, and will not let you down!
      Fernando has consulted with the stars, and there is the bad news and
      there is the good news. The bad news is that the strawberry shortage
      will continue for a while, but not forever, the stars say that next
      year will be a bumper harvest. And in the meantime, the stars
      suggest checking with the Sto Lat Importers in Bread & Cheese
      Passage, for they may still have some. Or you could try Quirm: weak,
      insipid strawberries, like their footsballers, but better than


      Herne the Hunted 22 May - 21 Jun

      "Good day Mr Magnifico, as you may be aware from the sensationalist
      reports in the daily newspapers, especially that scurrilous rag The
      Ankh-Morpork Times, His Lordship recently suffered considerable
      embarrassment, to say nothing of the loss of a significant amount of
      money, after signing an unwise contract against the advice of his
      accountants and lawyers. As three verbal briefings, two written
      memos and a large note written by Mr. Slate himself pinned directly
      to the front of the contract were insufficient to impress upon His
      Lordship the dangers of the contract, I take full responsibility for
      failing in my duties. Mr. Magnifico, do the stars have anything to
      say advising me on how I can better serve His Lordship in future?
      Signed, the Hon. Lucian Plumm-Brownnose, Esq., Secretary to Lord

      Fernando knows that when a signore nobile has set his mind on
      something, he is like the bull who espies the lady cow in the next
      field: single minded and very hard to stop, and with a tendency to
      bellow. But Fernando has consulted with the stars, and checked the
      horoscopes, and all is not lost. For unlike the bulls, many lords
      are the easily distracted, like Fernando's cousin Tomas, who tries
      so hard but is distracted by the ladies who undress at night without
      drawing their shades, even if he has to climb two fences and a tree
      to get distracted. The stars say that the best way to serve His
      Lordship is to find something to keep him busy until he has
      forgotten the papers you don't want him to sign. Fernando believes
      in making the love, not the war, but for such a good cause, perhaps
      a small pre-emptive strike against Quirm might be in order?


      The Wizard's Staff and Knob 22 Jun - 22 Jul

      "Dear Mr Magnifico, Ai am a respectable hwidow hwoman and hyour most
      devoted fan. Ai halways turn to hyour horoscopes first thing when Ai
      get the newspaper heach day, it is the hnext best thing to having a
      witch to read hyour tea leaves. Ai am a 'Staffie', like many of the
      fine gentlemen for hwhom Ai works for. One hof these fine gentlemen
      has taken to following me around like a lost puppy since hwe were
      lost together on a tropical hisland some time ago. Don't get me
      wrong, he is the perfect gentleman at hall times, but it is very
      tiresome to have him follow me around hoffering to help with the
      hironing and folding. Ai have gels for that sort of thing. What do
      the stars say Ai should do? Signed, Devoted of Unseen University"

      Fernando knows what it is like to have the people follow you around
      making the puppy-dog eyes and asking to do your chores. Sometimes
      when Fernando leaves his small but tastefully decorated apartment,
      he finds two, or sometimes three, of the young signorinas fighting
      over him in the street. It is very sad, because Fernando has enough
      love in him for everyone.

      Fernando has never had a problem with an unwanted suitor who needs
      to be discouraged, but his sister Rosita is often plagued by the
      young mens who won't take no for the answer. She kicks them in the
      voonerables and then runs out into the street crying and wailing.
      After a couple of nights in the stocks being pelted by the rotten
      fruit, and they understand the meaning of no. Fernando has checked
      the stars, and they say that a delicato approach would be more
      appropriate. Have you considered perhaps putting the bromide in the
      gentleman's tea?


      Bilious, God of Hangovers 23 Jul - 23 Aug

      "Dear Mr Fernando, I need your help, for I have done a foolish
      thing. Last week I went to the pub and had a few too many beers, and
      then I had a few too many more beers, and maybe one or two whiskies,
      and one thing led to another and on the way home I stopped at the
      clacks office and sent a naughty c-mail to the ex-girlfriend and
      offered to, well, you're a man of the world Mr Fernando, I'm sure I
      don't need to spell it out. But I gave the clerk the wrong c-mail
      address and sent it to me mam instead. So now the old man doesn't
      know whether to give me a hiding or ask me for some lessons, and me
      mam won't talk to me, and somehow the lads at the factory found out
      and keep making jokes about it. And to rub salt into the wound, the
      bloody clerk (excuse my Klatchian) at the clacks office short-
      changed me! What do the stars say I should do? Signed, Never Should
      Of Let Me Mam Get On The Clacks."

      Fernando can understand how this is the very embarrassment for you,
      but you must understand, you are not the first, and will not be the
      last, who this terrible thing has happened to. Especially in Ankh-
      Morpork, can anyone put their hand on their heart and say they have
      never done this themselves? I don't think so -- even Fernando, as
      magnificent as he is, has made this mistake once or twice. It is an
      easy mistake to make, especially with the Ankh-Morpork pennies, so
      what you must do is to be as brave as Fernando and walk straight
      back to that clacks office and demand to speak to the manager, then
      ask for your correct change. The stars are in your favour!


      The Celestial Parsnip 24 Aug - 23 Sept

      "Hello Mr Fenardo, I am Chalky der troll and I am der Parsnip
      astrologery kind of ting. Please excuse my riting, cos der kiln is
      on and its' a bit warm in here. I makes der potteries and stuff from
      der finest clays. I am reely good at makin pottery statchews for
      export, and I been tinken about branching out into der fine arts wit
      dem statchews. What does der stars say about dis?"

      Fernando approves very much of the fine arts, and is very pleased
      that the stars say that this is the molto excellente idea. Fernando
      believes that having the most attractive models for the statues is
      most important, and so Fernando offers to be the model. Did I
      mention that Fernando has his own figleaf? It is very large.


      The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct

      "Dear Mr Fernando, I am a Boring'un interested in collecting stamps,
      papier mache hats and competitive paint-drying. The regional semi-
      finals are coming up soon, and I am hoping that astrology could give
      me a small advantage against last year's champion. Yours, Dagbert

      Fernando has cast the horoscopes, and the stars say that the outlook
      for victory is promising. The stars recommend an unorthodox under-
      arm fanning motion. The secret is in the wrist action during the
      backstroke, cara mia.


      Androgyna Majestis 24 Oct - 22 Nov

      "Dear Mr Magnifico, This letter will no doubt come as a surprise to
      you but I can assure you by all the gods that this is GENUINE. My
      name is Mrs Maria-Theresa Slug and my dearest husband was the
      Supreme General in the Theocracy of Muntab's Hubwise Army until he
      was MURDERED by his political rivals. These same RIVALS have seized
      my home and assets but by the will of the GODS they didn't know
      about the bank account in the name of my CAT where my LATE husband
      deposited AM$10,000,000 just the night before he was SO CRUELY
      murdered. As a POOR SIMPLE WOMAN unused to international finance, I
      beseech you to help me TRANSFER the money into a secret Ankh-Morpork
      bank account before my husband's MURDERERS discover it. For your
      trouble I will give you a share of the money, twenty-five percent or
      ONE MILLION A-M DOLLARS for your trouble. Please reply by C-Mail to

      Fernando's heart is filled with the sadness that people could be so
      cruel to a poor widow, and so he is determinded to help this poor
      signora in her hour of need. Fernando has cast the horoscopes, and
      the stars predict that much money will change hands, and that the
      writer of this letter will be very happy afterwards. Fernando is
      sure that this will work out for the best.


      End of Part 4, continued on Part 5 of 5.
      If you did not get all five parts, write: interact@...
      Copyright (c) 2009 by Klatchian Foreign Legion
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