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  • Not A Granny
    WOSSNAME -- APRIL 2009 -- PART 4 OF 4 (continued) ... oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo ====Part 4 -- HOROSCOPE, AND CLOSE 35) YOUR MONTHLY
    Message 1 of 1 , Apr 27, 2009
      WOSSNAME -- APRIL 2009 -- PART 4 OF 4 (continued)

      ====Part 4 -- HOROSCOPE, AND CLOSE

      36) CLOSE



      by Fernando Magnifico

      Buongiorno and hello, it is I, Fernando! The Lady Asterisk is
      unavailable as she is helping the Watch with their enquiries. Do not
      be afeared my friends, for it is not what you think: Nobby Nobbs has
      accidentally locked himself inside the armoury, and the Lady
      Asterisk is using her astrological knowings to find the spare key.
      So I shall be your astrologer today!

      My friends, peoples cannot live by the work alone. Fernando knows
      that everybody needs the time to relax and be entertained, and to be
      entertained, there must be somebody to do the entertaining. Fernando
      is full of the entertainment, but there is always the need for more
      entertainers. So this month, Fernando has consulted with the stars
      to learn what is the best entertainer for each star sign to become.

      Ciao bella!


      The Adamant Hedgehog 21 Mar - 20 Apr

      Hoggers are well known for their grande, imposing personalities, and
      what better entertainer for such a person as Master, or Mistress, of
      Ceremonies. Fernando knows that the MC, as they are known, are in
      the great demand for secret initiations and ceremonies held by the
      Justified and Ancient Orders of Craftsmen across the city. The MC
      needs a voice that carries well, a few bad jokes, a couple of
      interesting anecdotes, an ocean of confidence, and the self-control
      to not drink until after the ceremony is over. Do not be like
      Fernando's Uncle Alfonso, who drunk too much of the vino and
      initiated a chicken as the Grand And Exalted Pooh-Bah of the Ancient
      Hermetic Order of Loyal Pizzariers.


      The Half-Eaten Sandwich 21 Apr - 21 May

      Munchers, you are the molto fortunate, for the stars say that your
      entertainer is to be the organist. It is a fine thing to do, as
      Fernando knows very well. When Fernando was the young boy, his Mamma
      wanted him to learn to make the music, so every day Fernando would
      go to the church and play with Father Renaldo's organ while the
      choir boys sang. It was a small, tinny organ, with very little
      range, but Fernando was very fond of playing with it. Listen very
      carefully, for Fernando swears that some day he shall own an organ
      made by B.S. Johnson, the one with the seven extra pedals and the
      water-powered pumps. Then Fernando will invite the city's finest
      ladies and gentlemans to watch him play with his mighty organ. This
      is Fernando's dream, caras mias. One of his dreams -- Fernando has


      Herne the Hunted 22 May - 21 Jun

      Hernians, do you have the passion to spin around upside down while
      wearing the skimpy clothes? Do you eats only the small carrot stick
      and a lettuce leaf each day to keep as slim as possible? Do you
      practice stretching your legs so that you can put your feets over
      your head and do the splits? If so, then you will be very pleased at
      what the stars have to say, for your entertainer is the ballet
      dancer. The pay is terrible and the working conditions worse, but as
      Fernando knows, unlike the Guild of Ecdysiasts, Nautchers,
      Cancanieres and Exponents of Exotic Dance, you can invite your
      parents to watch you perform.


      The Wizard's Staff and Knob 22 Jun - 22 Jul

      Fernando knows that many people born after the Wizard's Staff and
      Knob have the natural talent for magic. There is nothing
      entertaining about the wizards and witches, but for those whose
      destiny is to be an entertainer, there is always the stage or street
      magician. No magical spells are required, but Fernando knows that it
      is not for everybody to be known as The Amazing Bumppo and His
      Beautiful Assistant Darlene. Fortunately the stars suggest a second
      entertainer for Staffies: bartender in a fancy bar. You get to use
      your memory for strange and mysterious substances with exotic names,
      show off your cocktail making skills, and serve as headologist for
      your troubled customers.


      Bilious, God of Hangovers 23 Jul - 23 Aug

      Bilians, your entertainer is the troubadour or bard. Many people
      have asked Fernando what is the difference, so listen very
      carefully, for I shall say this only once. If you sing songs about
      unapproachable ladies who are too good for the man who loves her
      from afar, or songs that start with "Hey nonny nonny", then you are
      a troubadour. If you sing songs about heroes dying alone in the
      snow, or the end of the world, then you are a bard. In either case,
      traditionally there will be the much drinking of strong alcohol
      (unless you are a druid from Llamados) and running away when the
      bill comes due. Fernando knows that the drinking, at least, will not
      be a hardship for you Bilians.


      The Celestial Parsnip 24 Aug - 23 Sept

      It is said, there are traditionally two ways out of the mean streets
      of the Shades: you can become a boxer and fight your way out, or you
      can join the opera and sing your way out. My friends, Fernando knows
      that this is so! For Snippies, the stars say that your entertainer
      is the opera singer or prize fighter, or perhaps even both. Fernando
      is very privileged to have been there when "Gentleman" Jim Robinson
      sang all fifteen versus of the Cabbage Grower Aria from "The Farmer
      of Sto-Lat" while being punched in the face by "Slugger" Bob Dempsey
      and never missed a note.


      The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct

      My dear Boring'un friends, how the stars mock you again! Fernando
      knows that excitement is anathema to the Boring'un soul, but to be
      an entertainer at all is to have the excitement of being the centre
      of attention. But the stars are the more unkind yet, for the
      entertainer you are best suited for is the bull fighter or lion
      tamer. For some, the roar of the beast is like the spice of life,
      but for Boring'uns, the only spice you want is vanilla -- and not
      too much of that either.


      Androgyna Majestis 24 Oct - 22 Nov

      Andies are well-known for having, how do you say it, the two faces:
      the public face and the private face. Fernando understands that the
      all peoples have their public and private selves, but this is
      especially true for the Andies. How fortunate then for you that the
      stars let you put this to the good use, for your entertainer is the
      actor. As the travelling actor, in public you get to be the kings
      and queens, mighty warriors, princes and dukes, while in private you
      eat all the peanuts and elderly fruit you can sweep up off the
      stage. But Fernando knows that it is worth it, to act in such Disc-
      famous plays as the Lancre Play, The Taming of the Vole, Please
      Yourself, and the personal favourite of Fernando's Aunt Maria, The
      Blood-Soaked Tragedy of the Mad Monk of Quirm.


      The Spoons, a.k.a. the Greater and Lesser Spoons, 23 Nov - 21 Dec

      Spooners, your entertainer is the juggler or acrobat. Fernando knows
      that both require the excellente hand/eye coordinatation and
      dexterity. It is molto importante for the acrobat to know how to
      tumble, and more important to know when *not* to tumble, like on the
      high-wire. For the jugglers, Fernando knows that the beginner can
      start with juggling the balls, clubs and rings, then move on to the
      more difficult items like knives, flaming torches and cats. But only
      the true master of the art of juggling can attempt the most
      dangerous test of skill of all: to keep four gnomes spinning in the
      air until they are dizzy enough to give the juggler time to escape.
      Fernando knows that this is so!


      Hoki the Jokester 22 Dec - 20 Jan

      Hokians, do you have the passion for the noble arts of making
      balloon animals, tipping pineapple custard down your trousers, or
      making small children at birthday parties widdle themselves in fear?
      If so, you are the molto fortunate, for the stars this month speak
      to your inner nature, for your entertainer is the clown. If you do
      not wish to be the clown, the Fools' Guild is always looking for
      people willing to be trained as a street mime. Do not be afeared,
      for there are many nearby cities where mimes performing in public
      are not hunted down by the Patrician's personal guard and hung
      upside down in his scorpion pit. Well, perhaps not cities as such.
      More like towns. The smaller ones at least. But do not worry my
      friends, for there are always private performances, if you can find
      somebody who enjoys watching you walk against the wind or eat an
      invisible bananananana.


      The Rather Large Gazunda 21 Jan - 18 Feb

      Fernando is much amazed at how much difference a single day makes.
      Had you been born on the 20th of January, you would be a Hokian, and
      your entertainer would be the mime. Born one day later, and you are
      the Gazundian, and the stars say that your entertainer is the
      opposite of the mime, the ventriloquist. Instead of making no voices
      like the mime, your skill is to give voices to those things around
      you who have no voice, like wooden puppets and amusing animals. When
      Fernando was travelling to Ankh-Morpork from Brindisi, he met a
      young man travelling with his cat Maurice. He could make it sound
      like the cat was talking. Of course, Fernando is the very observant,
      and could see him moving his lips, but still, it was very good.
      Nearly as good as Fernando's cousin Ramon, who when he makes the
      burp from his bottom, makes the sound come from across the room.


      Lesser Umbrage 19 Feb - 20 Mar

      There are the many fine entertainments available for the people of
      Ankh-Morpork, and the stars say that Umbragians' entertainer is
      perhaps the most popular of them all: the public executioner or
      executionee. The executioner gets a fine black hood to wear, and
      there are the many perks of the job: you can sell pieces of the rope
      for the very tidy profit. The executionee also gets the fine black
      hood, but this one has no eye-holes, and you will be only expected
      to perform once.



      Again, let's all join in a toast to brave Sir Pterry, who -- unlike
      Brave Sir Robin of Monty Python fame -- is definitely not prone to
      "running away and bugg-, um, hedgehogging off". At a time of life
      when most people are winding down and contemplating retirement, the
      marvellous Pratchett is out there beating the drum for Alzheimer's
      research and *in* there beating the Hex keypad for us, the readers.
      Here's to many more years and many more books. Hip, hip, hurrah --
      and so say all of us!

      Huge thanks, as always, to the Newshound Gang for their hard work.
      See you next month. Same WOSS time, same WOSS station...

      -- Annie Mac


      End of Part 4.
      If you did not get all four parts, write: interact@...
      Copyright (c) 2009 by Klatchian Foreign Legion
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