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  • Not A Granny
    WOSSNAME -- MARCH 2009 -- PART 5 OF 6 (continued) ... oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo ====Part 5 -- HOROSCOPE 28) YOUR MONTHLY DISCWORLD
    Message 1 of 1 , Mar 23, 2009
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      WOSSNAME -- MARCH 2009 -- PART 5 OF 6 (continued)

      ====Part 5 -- HOROSCOPE




      by Fernando Magnifico

      Buongiorno my friends, it is I, Fernando! The Lady Asterisk is
      unavailable due to an unfortunate incident involving a duck and a
      spatula, but never fear, for I shall be your astrologer today!

      My friends, Fernando does not believe that ignorance is a blessing
      -- it is not true that what you don't know won't hurt you. There
      have been many Kings and Grand Viziers who discovered that it is the
      assassin they did not know about who killed them, and it is the slug
      in your salad that you don't see that will give you the stomach
      ache. The Disc is full of the very many wonderful things which the
      inquiring mind should know about, and Fernando is not just a molto
      handsome man with a fig leaf, he also has the inquiring mind. So
      Fernando is the very interested in the natural philosophy, or
      "science" as the young wizards at Unseen University have started to
      call it. Science comes from the old Latinium word "scientia",
      meaning "know it all", and it is the aim of the sciences to learn
      everything there is to know about the things of interest. So
      Fernando has consulted the stars about the sciences, and the stars
      say everyone should have an ology. The ologies are the molto
      important things. So my friends, read on and be de-ignorantised!
      Ciao bella!


      The Adamant Hedgehog 21 Mar - 20 Apr

      Hoggers, your ology is the science of cryptology. This is not the
      study of secret codes, as some people think; no, cryptology is the
      study of the creatures of the crypt, known also as the Undead. There
      is much you can learn from this science, espeziale about the self-
      protection. Fernando does not approve of the street fighting, but
      for those of a violent bent, never again shall you have the
      embarrassment of going to a brawl against a zombie armed with a
      wooden stake and garlic. (Such a waste of the garlic! Fernando says,
      make the pasta sauce, not the fighting!) You too will learn the
      difference between a ghast and a ghoul, and the right sort of
      poppy seeds to put inside the vampire's socks.


      The Half-Eaten Sandwich 21 Apr - 21 May

      Sometimes when Fernando studies the heavens, the stars say things
      which Fernando does not approve of, but Fernando is dedicated to his
      art as an astrologer and would never change what he sees even if he
      disapproves. And so Fernando is afeared for you Munchers, for the
      stars say your ology is demonology. Fernando knows very well that
      the demons are not to be trusted. Fernando's very own cousin by
      marriage, Vittorio the husband of Leonora, was the studier of
      demonology back in Brindisi. One day Vittorio conjured the demon,
      who turned him into the rag doll, and *that very day* people saw the
      demon who looked *exactly* like Vittorio run off with the cash box
      from the local tavern. It was so very tragic. So my friends, the
      stars say that you should study the demonology, but Fernando begs
      you, study it from a distance. With special clothing.


      Herne the Hunted 22 May - 21 Jun

      Herne the Hunted is the god of small things whose destiny is to be
      lunch for larger things. Fernando knows that Herne is unique amongst
      the Gods, for while other gods are doing the smiting, Herne is doing
      the fleeing. How fortunate for Hernians then that their ology is
      escapology, the science of escaping from traps, nets, webs, ropes,
      chains and legal contracts. There are many branches of escapology.
      Fernando knows you can learn much from the molto famous escapologist
      Harry Linguini, who was the master of the escaping and could escape
      from anything except the wrath of Signora Linguini when she found
      him en flagrante with his attractive young assistant.


      The Wizard's Staff and Knob 22 Jun - 22 Jul

      For the Staffies, the stars give you the opportunity to parade your
      superior knowledge and satisfy your wizardly desires, for your
      science is aristology, the science of dining, and not what most
      people will assume, the study of aristocrats. Remember too that
      while aristology deals with things gastronomical, it should not be
      confused with gastrology, which is the study of snails and slugs.
      Fernando knows that many people think that it is only the Quirmians
      who eat the snails, but this is not so, trust Fernando on this! The
      Brindisian snails are much more tastier than the Quirmian buttered
      snail in buttered butter sauce. Fernando recommends the Polenta con
      Lumache, especially for the lovers, for the snail has both the man-
      bits and the lady-bits, and when they make the snail-love, their
      moment of passion lasts for three hours. Even Fernando is impressed.


      Bilious, God of Hangovers 23 Jul - 23 Aug

      Bilians, your science is gnomics: the science of gnomes, pictsies
      and other tiny fairy folk. There is much to be learned from the
      science of gnomics, such as, if you have been knocked unconscious
      after stomping on a wee little man, then you have probably trodden
      on a gnome; if you have been knocked unconscious, and your purse is
      gone, then it was probably a pictsie, and you are molto fortunato
      not to wake up tied upside down to a tree naked and covered in boot-
      black. The pictsies do enjoy their traditional sports.


      The Celestial Parsnip 24 Aug - 23 Sept

      Snippies, your ology is the science of etymology, the study of words
      and how the words got their meanings. One of Fernando's many
      passions is to learn the many words, for every word has the
      different meanings. This is why Fernando has learned to speak the
      Morporkian so goodly. You too can learn that policeman and
      politician both mean "man of the city", and that horse apples are
      not the fruit of the tree, and that "a load of old cobblers" does
      not refer to the group of retired shoemakers on a holiday coach.
      With the learning of etymology, you can impress your friends and
      even discover what the obscure words on the Guilds' coats of arms
      mean in Modern. And when people call you a wise-arse, you will smile
      because etymology tells you that this comes from wys-ars, "person of
      great knowledge".


      The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct

      My Boring'un friends, Fernando does not have the good news for you
      this month, for the stars say that your science is thaumology, the
      most exciting and dangerous of the sciences, and that what you
      should do is the most exciting and dangerous experiment in this
      discipline: the Large Cauldron Collider experiment. The LCC is the
      joint project of the kingdoms of the Sto Plains, and involves
      smashing large magical cauldrons into each other at enormous speeds
      to see what happens when you collide large magical cauldrons into
      each other at very high speed. Fernando is very interested in their
      results, and is very happy that so far they have not caused the
      ripping of the fabric of space and time yet, although some of the
      nearby cabbages have started to complain about the noise.


      Androgyna Majestis 24 Oct - 22 Nov

      Alchemy is the science of transformation: the transformazione of
      base metals into gold, the mortal human spirit into the immortal
      soul, and the laboratory into the pile of rubble. Androgyna Majestis
      is the sign that rules over change, and so the stars say that Andies
      have the innate talent for transformation. For you, my friends, your
      science is alchemy. And pay no attention to those proud Wizard-
      lovers who say alchemy is not a true science. What do they know? A
      good alchemist can make the fireballs every bit as impressive as the
      ones the Dean of UU makes, and probably aim them better.


      The Spoons, a.k.a. the Greater and Lesser Spoons, 23 Nov - 21 Dec

      Spooners, your ology is speleology, the study of caves. Fernando
      knows well the difference between the stalactites (who hang on tight
      to the ceiling, like the bats of Uberwald) and stalagmites (who
      might trip you up, like the bambinos of Shamlegger Street) and with
      patience and study you may go fishing for the blind cave fish.
      Experts in the speleology may even be allowed to visit the famous
      caves of Koom Valley and see the fossilised dwarfs and trolls. They
      say that if you sit very still in the vurm-light in total silenzio,
      after the many hours you will see B'hrian Bloodaxe and the Diamond
      King play their next moves.


      Hoki the Jokester 22 Dec - 20 Jan

      Hokians, your ology is the science of headology. With the knowledge
      of headology, you can impress your friends, control your enemies,
      win prizes and get out of paying the taxes. But such power comes
      with a price, or in fact two prices: firstly, with the great power
      comes the great responsibility. And secondly, once people learn you
      have the knowing of the headology, they will be completely on their
      guard with you all the time... unless you can use your knowing of
      headology to put them at ease.


      The Rather Large Gazunda 21 Jan - 18 Feb

      For Gazundians, the stars say that your ology is astrochelonology:
      the study of Great A'Tuin itself, or herself, or himself. Perhaps
      you shall be the one who finally learns whether Great A'Tuin is the
      man turtle or the lady turtle, or how she, or perhaps he, swims
      through the emptiness of space. Fernando is very curious about the
      bambino star turtles that hatched some years ago, and wonders where
      they have gone, and whether they have the peoples living on their
      tiny discs yet. Perhaps you will be the one who will solve these


      Lesser Umbrage 19 Feb - 20 Mar

      Fernando knows that the Lesser Umbrage is the traditional sign of
      Igors, and so it is fitting that for the Umbragians, your sciences
      are the twin ologies of pharmacology and toxicology: the studies of
      medicines and poisons. As any Igor will tell you, the difference
      between medicine and poison is more often the dose than the
      substance. Fernando knows this is so, for is it not true that a
      little honey is good for the digestion, but too much honey is bad
      for the teeth?


      End of Part 5, continued on part 6 of 6.
      If you did not get all six parts, write: interact@...
      Copyright (c) 2008 by Klatchian Foreign Legion
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