WOSSNAME -- FEBRUARY 2009 -- PART 4 OF 5
- WOSSNAME -- FEBRUARY 2009 -- PART 4 OF 5 (continued)
====Part 4 -- HOROSCOPE
20) YOUR MONTHLY DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE
20) THE NEW DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE
by Fernando Magnifico
Buongiorno my friends, it is I, Fernando! The Lady Asterisk is
unavailable due to a surfeit of sparrows in her solarium, but never
fear, for I shall be your astrologer today!
When Fernando walks down the street, he is often surrounded by the
many wonderful peoples of Ankh-Morpork who ask him, "Fernando, how
can I be more like you? Fernando, how can I be the better person?
Fernando, what can I do to improve myself?" Fernando does not wish
to be the braggart, for Fernando is molto humble (but not so humble
as Fernando's grand-papa, who was a humble shoemaker so poor that he
could not afford to buy the leather and had to make the shoes out of
bacon), but Fernando was not born as magnificent as he is now. In
fact, Fernando was the very difficult baby, and Fernando's blessed
mamma was in labour with him for six weeks giving birth. Since then,
Fernando has always felt that it was his duty to be a magnificent
son, so his mamma would be proud, and so he has dedicated himself to
selfless self-improvement, making Fernando the magnificent specimen
of Brindisian manhood you see before you today.
This month the stars suggest that you too should work on self-
improvement, so that you can be more like Fernando. Fernando
understands that not everybodys can be as magnificent as Fernando of
course, but this does not matter. What matters is for you to be as
good as you can be, for everybodys is wonderful in your own way.
Except for Carlos. But Fernando does not wish to speak of him.
The Adamant Hedgehog 21 Mar - 20 Apr
Fernando has consulted with the stars, and they say that for you
Hoggers, your self-improvement is to learn to be a cheese-maker.
Cheese-making is a very honourable profession, and as a wise man
once said, "blessed are the cheese-makers". A gift of cheese is
always welcome wherever you go. Fernando likes his cheese like his
women: soft, creamy, and with bite. But there are many uses for
cheeses for people of all tastes: tasty cheeses, mild cheeses, hard
cheese for grating over the pasta, soft cheeses for the cakes and
the toothless peoples, and blue cheeses for eating with grapes.
Fernando understands that witches are very fond of cheese, so any
generous cheese-maker with a few spare cheeses need never fear being
turned into a frog. Some witches have a cheese as their familiar,
although Fernando hears that such cheeses can be not just familiar
but downright presumptuous.
The Half-Eaten Sandwich 21 Apr - 21 May
Anything worth having is worth working for, and for Munchers this
month, the stars say that your self-improvement is to work hard and
improve your own body. Fernando is no stranger to the weights and
exercise machines, because it is his duty to have the hard stomach
and big muscles for the sake of the artists who paint Fernando with
his fig leaf. Fernando is also very fond of the fine art of body-
building, and has spent many hours watching the young signores (and
occasional young signorina) oil themselves up and flex their muscles
on stage. For Munchers in a hurry, you can hire an Igor to sculpt
your body, especially if you want the big scars to impress your
friends and afear your enemies.
Herne the Hunted 22 May - 21 Jun
Hernians, this month your self-improvement is to learn a foreign
language. Morporkian is the language of trade, commerce and
diplomacy across much of the Disc, even over most of Klatch, but
Brindisian is the language of love (and not Quirmian, as some
foolish poets have said), and Zlobenian is the molto excellente
language for the swearing. Truly there is a language for everything,
even Logjam which can only be used to describe how the gears fit
together in the clockworks. Fernando can whisper the sweet nothings
in eight languages, which has come in very useful during his
travels, and ask for a room in four, which is sometimes the
necessary prerequisite for the sweet nothings.
The Wizard's Staff and Knob 22 Jun - 22 Jul
This month, for the Staffies, the stars tell me your self-
improvement is to learn needlework. No sniggering, please, Fernando
is not talking about seamstressing (which certainly requires much
improved flexibility, and not just in the working hours) but actual
needlework, the sewing, knitting and crocheting. These are good,
marketable skills, there is much demand from those who want their
socks darned, and unlike the *other* sort of needlework, there is
little chance of any priests condemning you from the pulpit, except
perhaps for the Nugganites. For the man Staffies, if you are
concerned about the needlework being, how do you say it, too girly,
Fernando knows that you can sew the leather too. Anyone who can push
a steel needle through a quarter inch thick piece of leather isn't
going to be called girly by *anyone*.
Bilious, God of Hangovers 23 Jul - 23 Aug
Bilians, this month your self-improvement is to open your mind by
studying the philosophy. There are the many philosophies: Ibidism,
Objectionalism, Chil-mon-chil and more. Do not forget Ankh-Morpork's
own Way of Mrs Cosmopolite! The stars say that all of these
philosophies will improve your mind, or at least improve the bank
balance of the philosophy teacher, but the one which is the most
natural fit for the Bilians is the philosophy of Inebriism, which
teaches that the meaning of life *can* be found at the bottom of a
glass, and that the biggest question of all is "What's yours?".
[Editor's note: those interested in the range of philosophies
available may wish to consult the Lady Asterisk's horoscope here:
The Celestial Parsnip 24 Aug - 23 Sept
Everybodys needs to eat, and good food brings all peoples together
in harmony, except perhaps for the terrible cannibals of Tezuman.
(Fernando does not approve of eating the hearts of people. We are
not like the artichokes.) For Snippies this month, your self-
improvement is to learn to cook. And what of those who already know
how to cook? Learn how to cook better! And what better cooking is
there than Brindisi cooking, the best food on the Disc? Listen
closely, my friends, as Fernando teaches you some secrets of the
Brindisian cooking, which he learned from his Auntie Maria, who is
as magnificent a cook as Fernando is at being Fernando.
Too much garlic is barely enough. The gods themselves would give up
immortality for a taste of the fresh tomato sauce with roasted fresh
vegetables and basil (except that, being gods, they don't have to
give anything, they just take). Cook the squids and octopussies
quickly on the very hot flame so they do not turn into rubber. The
fatty meats like pork are much improved by the fennel seeds. And no
matter what Uncle Enzo thinks, chili should warm the palate, not set
fire to your stomach. Take note, my friends, and with time the Ankh-
Morpork food might someday become edible.
The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct
Fernando knows that flowers can brighten up even the dullest house
or the most miserable day. Whether it is a posy of pansies or a
bouquet of roses fit for the prima donna Christine, flowers bring
joy to all, except perhaps those with the allergies. Boring'uns, the
stars say your self-improvement is to learn the fine art of flower
arrangement. But beware of the thorns. And stinging insects. And
poisonous sap. The splinters from woody stems. Hay-fever from
pollens. And especially beware the carnivorous plants. They say they
only eat insects, but that's just a matter of size, isn't it?
Androgyna Majestis 24 Oct - 22 Nov
This month the stars say that Andies have two self-improvements:
pubic speaking and dancing. You can indulge your intellectual side
by learning how to speak in public. Good communication is molto
important, whether it is a speech at a wedding, a eulogy at a
funeral, giving a talk to the city Guild Leaders, or assisting the
Watch with their enquiries. Excellente public speaking skills are
also very useful for those who wish to stand on a box in Sator
Square and demand that the Patrician outlaw public speaking in Sator
Square. And so Fernando has spent many hours in front of a mirror
practising his speakings. Many hours.
For those who prefer their passionate, artistic side, you can
instead learn to dance: the stately waltz, the rustic polka, the
trendy Baked Potato, and Fernando's favourite dance of all, the
steamy Genuan tango, the famous dance of love. There is a dance
style for everyone. And for those who wish to combine both sides,
you can always answer questions through the medium of dance.
The Spoons, a.k.a. the Greater and Lesser Spoons, 23 Nov - 21 Dec
Fernando is often saddened by the terrible things some peoples do to
each other in the frantic race to make money. Fernando knows that
money is the root of all evil, and wishes the Disc could be a
kinder, more friendly place. Spooners, if you too wish for a better
world, then you are in luck, for the stars say this month you can
improve both yourself and the world, for your self improvement is to
study the Yen Buddhism. Once you become the Yen Master you can
improve the world by taking on the evils of money to yourself.
Spooners, do not be afeared for your soul, for Fernando knows that
you will be Enlightened and will resist the temptation to do Evil.
Hoki the Jokester 22 Dec - 20 Jan
Hokians, if you thought you had put lessons and chalk dust and
getting six of the best for something that Stinky Jones did behind
you, the stars say different: your self-improvement is to go back to
school! But never fear my friends, for you do not need to put on the
school uniform (unless of course you want to) because Fernando
understands that Ankh-Morpork has many adult education classes.
Whether you need to learn your letters or the secrets of the decimal
point, there is a class for you. Fernando understands that the two
most popular classes are the Assassins' Guild's four-week course on
the correct use of stilettos, and coincidentally, the Seamstresses'
Guild's three-week course on the same thing or at least the same
word. Fernando suggests you don't confuse the two, it may lead to
embarrassment, or too much of the interest from the Watch.
The Rather Large Gazunda 21 Jan - 18 Feb
Gazundians are know for being quick witted, with good imaginations
and the skill of good speaker. This is very much like Fernando. This
month, the stars say that your self-improvement is to use your
skills in the fine art of creative writing. Fernando knows that this
is an excellent skill to have, as it is good for the poets, story-
tellers and playwrights. It is excellente for the bardic sagas,
editorials in the Ankh-Morpork Times, and for writing the government
reports. But Fernando reminds you, creative writing is not so valued
when working as the accountant for Mr Harry King.
Lesser Umbrage 19 Feb - 20 Mar
Peoples often ask Fernando how he stays so calm, cool and collected
at all times. For Fernando, this is easy, because Fernando has the
very, how you say it, "laid back" personality. Except for the making
of love, where Fernando is moltissimo hot-blooded. But for
Umbragians who wish to be more like Fernando, the stars say that
your self-improvement is the ancient Laotan mystic art of yoga. You
too can learn to breathe through your third eye. And for those who
do not have the personality for yoga, never fear, for the stars have
the answer: the ancient art of tantrum yoga. If you can't stay calm,
let your tantrums work for you to give you the great power and
endurance in the obstacle race of life. Then you will be as relaxed
End of Part 4, continued on part 5 of 5.
If you did not get all five parts, write: interact@...
Copyright (c) 2009 by Klatchian Foreign Legion