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  • Not A Granny
    WOSSNAME -- JANUARY 2009 -- PART 3 OF 3 (continued) ... oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo ====Part 3 -- HOROSCOPE, BU, AND CLOSE 26) YOUR
    Message 1 of 1 , Jan 29, 2009
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      WOSSNAME -- JANUARY 2009 -- PART 3 OF 3 (continued)

      ====Part 3 -- HOROSCOPE, BU, AND CLOSE

      28) CLOSE



      by Fernando Magnifico

      Buongiorno and the happy new years to all! It is I, Fernando, and I
      shall be your astrologer today, for the Lady Asterisk has had an
      accident with an egg whisk and a tin of fig jam.

      Organising the good parties requires much planning, and so last
      month Fernando asked the stars to reveal what parties are suitable
      for each sign. But after the parties is also molto difficile, for
      there are always the consequences to deal with. Fernando knows this
      very well, for he went home to Brindisi for a week and went to the
      very many parties. And after the party, there is always the
      aftermath to deal with, and it is important to have the guidance
      from the stars. Ciao bella!


      The Adamant Hedgehog 21 Mar - 20 Apr

      For Hoggers, your after-party aftermath is, what to do with the
      unwanted suitors who you have met at the parties, and are now
      sending you C-mail and Bluenose messages from their gooseberries at
      all times of the day and night. Sometimes the messages have the
      iconographs as well, often without the fig leaves. Fernando knows
      this very well, for he much receives the C-mail iconographs from the
      young senors and senoritas. Fernando is not complaining, but some
      people are perhaps not as open-minded and understanding of the
      little peccadillo's like Fernando is, perhaps because his peccadillo
      is not little.


      The Half-Eaten Sandwich 21 Apr - 21 May

      Last month, the stars recommended that the best Munchers party was
      the beach party. This month, the aftermath you must deal with is the
      sand-rash, the sun-burn, the seagull droppings on your picnic
      basket, and the stings from the octarine-ringed octopus. The stars'
      recommendation for these is lanolin for the sand-rash, butter for
      the sun-burn, turpentine for cleaning off the seagull droppings, and
      for the octarine-ringed octopus stings, with the services of an Igor
      and a bolt of lightning you should be soon walking around again
      almost as good as new.


      Herne the Hunted 22 May - 21 Jun

      For Hernians, your party last month was the stag party, running
      around in the woods without the small drawers on while drinking a
      lot of scumble. The stars warned you last month, and this month, you
      know have to deal with the aftermath: poison-ivy on your manly bits.
      Fernando sends his sympathy, and the stars give this advice: drink
      more scumble. It won't cure the blisters, but you will no longer
      feel anything below the neck.


      The Wizard's Staff and Knob 22 Jun - 22 Jul

      For Staffies, your after-party aftermath is to deal with the mess of
      your dinner party. Fernando went to the many dinner parties in
      Brindisi, and helped to clean the tomato sauce off the walls, the
      spaghetti off the ceiling, and the tiramisu off Uncle Joe, who has
      an enthusiastic but not very accurate method of eating desserts.


      Bilious, God of Hangovers 23 Jul - 23 Aug

      My Bilian friends, you will not be surprised to learn that the
      aftermath you have to deal with is the hangover. The stars make many
      suggestions for the hangover cure: the hair of the dog, as they say
      in Ankh-Morpork; Klatchian coffee; a big plate of fried sausage and
      eggs; a whole lime; even the sure-fire cure taught to Fernando by
      his paesano Stropenzo: take one big glass of flat warm beer, mix in
      two raw eggs and a great big spoonful of Fourecksian yeasty-salt
      spread, and drink the lot as fast as possible. The stars also say
      you can avoid the hangover by staying drunk, but as a Bilian, you
      will already know this.


      The Celestial Parsnip 24 Aug - 23 Sept

      Last month the stars suggested the garden party or picnic for
      Snippies. This month, you have to deal with the aftermath. Whether
      your party was held at your winter mansion on a little Tsort island,
      or on a blanket on the grass at the Tump, the aftermath is always
      the same: the potato salad will have turned, somebody's stockings
      and corset will be found in the bushes, Uncle Alfonso will be passed
      out under a tree, and cousin Filippa will be hugging everyone and
      telling them how much she loves them all and then bursting into
      tears "because I'm so full of joy I can't hold it all in". No,
      Fernando does not understand it either.


      The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct

      Fernando has good news for Boring'uns: after your exciting quilting
      party last month, the only aftermath you have to deal with is
      sweeping up the little bits of thread and putting away the scissors.
      Be careful with those dangerous tools!


      Androgyna Majestis 24 Oct - 22 Nov

      What the stars give, the stars take away, for they are distant and
      cold and do not have il compassione like Fernando. (Fernando has
      much passione, with or without the com.) If this month is all that
      Boring'uns could ask for, it is all that Andies do not want. Last
      month was your coming out party, but this month you have to deal
      with the aftermath: for the young signorinas, there will be the
      tears and recriminations for those whose dress made them look like a
      giant pink meringue, or worse, was exactly the same as the dress
      worn by that puttana cana who spent the night flirting with the
      young man you wanted to flirt with. And for the young gentlemens
      with the wide stance who had the coming out party, there is always
      somebody who is not as open-minded as Fernando and takes -- and
      gives -- offense. Fernando asks, why are people so cruel?


      The Spoons, a.k.a. the Greater and Lesser Spoons, 23 Nov - 21 Dec

      Spooners, last month you dressed up for the fancy dress party. If
      you did not listen to Fernando's most excellente advice, you may
      have had the toga party, and now the aftermath you have to deal with
      is to clean the food off, well, everything, and to get your friends
      out of the Tanty. For those who dressed as a wizard, your aftermath
      is the urge to catch flies with your tongue. And for those who
      unwisely dressed as mimes, your aftermath is a week in Lord
      Vetinari's dungeon. Fernando knows it could be worse: you could have
      been caught by the Fools' Guild.


      Hoki the Jokester 22 Dec - 20 Jan

      Hokians, it was your birthday last month, and this month your after-
      party aftermath is to deal with the invariable arguments and
      disputes over presents. Fernando knows this very well: the arguments
      over which family member was shamefully cheap with his present, who
      was shamefully ostentatious with an over-priced tacky gift, and
      whose present was shamelessly inappropriate. And then there are the
      gag-gifts, like Fernando's Auntie Rosa-Marie who, every birthday, no
      matter whose birthday it is, gives a gorgeously wrapped parcel
      containing a small dishrag. And then she laughs and laughs, and
      every year she is hurt that nobody else thought it was funny.


      The Rather Large Gazunda 21 Jan - 18 Feb

      Gazundians, last month your party was the pyjama party, a specialist
      taste. For those who did not indulge in such a thing, Fernando has
      only the good news: the stars say that this month you have no
      aftermath to deal with. But for those young girls who indulged in
      the pyjama party and stayed up all night playing Truth or Dare, your
      aftermath is to deal with the heart-break when you learn that the
      boy you are keen on would rather play Stomp On Billy's Fingers and
      would not give you the time of day, as they day in Ankh-Morpork.
      (Fernando sees this game being played all the time in Cockabill
      Street. Fernando does not approve of such games, and thinks that the
      growing young mens should be playing footsball.) Do not worry, cara
      mia, in a few years the young mens' eyes will open, and then it is
      you who will break their hearts.


      Lesser Umbrage 19 Feb - 20 Mar

      If you followed the advice of the stars last month, you will have
      thrown a surprise party for one of your friends or family. The stars
      say that if you have done so, the aftermath you have to deal with is
      all the rest of your friends and family wandering why you did not
      throw a party in honour of *them*. Fernando hopes you have chosen
      your parties well.



      On the ozdw (Bugarup University) discussion list, Fiona Not Bruce
      Bruce wrote:

      I was watching a Parkinson re-run where Ian McKellen said that when
      you get your "honour" from the Queen there are musicians
      (minstrels?) playing in the gallery. He said they played "When I'm
      Cleaning Windows" when he got the CBE and "Hi-diddle-dee (An Actor's
      Life For Me)" when he received his knighthood. So, what do you think
      should be played when Terry gets "stricken with the sword"?

      The answer came back:

      That's a no-brainer -- A Kind of Magic, by Queen!

      ..and the runner-up: Paperback Writer, by the Beatles.



      ...and pass the icebergs, please! Down here in Fourecks we're in the
      middle of a rather impressive summer heat wave, with temperatures up
      to over 45 degrees Celsius (for those of you who think in
      Fahrenheit, you really don't want to think about what that
      translates to). My thoughts go out, rather enviously, to those of
      you who live in places where it's winter now. Here's hoping everyone
      stays warm -- or cooled -- until next month...

      -- Annie Mac


      End of Part 3.
      If you did not get all three parts, write: interact@...
      Copyright (c) 2009 by Klatchian Foreign Legion
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