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  • Not A Granny
    WOSSNAME -- DECEMBER 2008 -- PART 4 OF 4 (continued) ... oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo ====Part 4 -- HOROSCOPE, LATE BREAKING NEWS, AND
    Message 1 of 1 , Dec 22, 2008
      WOSSNAME -- DECEMBER 2008 -- PART 4 OF 4 (continued)


      27) CLOSE



      Herne the Hunted 22 May - 21 Jun

      Hernians this month will find their party is the stag party. The
      stars say that this is the best time for you to go out to the woods,
      drink a lot of scumble (although even a little scumble is a lot),
      put on a silly hat with enormous fake deer antlers, and run around
      without your drawers on getting hot and sweaty. Then afterwoods, you
      can drink more scumble and have a barbecue with all the meats you
      can eat. Alas, Fernando has the bad news for the lady Hernians --
      the stag party is strictly for the mens. But do not be sad, for
      Fernando knows that the woods near Ankh-Morpork are full of stinging
      nettle and poison ivy.


      The Wizard's Staff and Knob 22 Jun - 22 Jul

      For wizards, every night is a night for a dinner party, although for
      these learned gentlemens the music, good cheer and friendship is not
      as important as the size of the dinner. For Staffies, the stars
      suggest that you let your inner wizard out: this is a good time for
      dinner parties. But be careful, for Fernando knows that sometimes
      the dinner party can go wrong. Avoid all talk about religion and
      politics, and beware of the Wow-Wow sauce and home-made grappa. Make
      sure that you have with you a designated cart driver for the
      afterwards, because the Watch love to catch the drunk drivers at
      this time of year.


      Bilious, God of Hangovers 23 Jul - 23 Aug

      If every night is a dinner party for wizards, every night is a
      cocktail party for Bilians. The stars this month they say that this
      is an excellent month for the cocktail parties and wine-tasting
      parties. The cocktails, they are not bad, but Fernando prefers to
      drink the wine, like his blessed mamma taught him. "Fernando," she
      told me when I was a small boy, "a drop of vino is good for the
      digestion, but don't be like that good-for-nothing Bruno who gets
      drunk every day!" Except she said it in Brindisian, which is a much
      more beautiful language.

      Fernando does not think much of the Ankh-Morpork wines: too much of
      the Quirmian merda, and the Tsortean wines are only good for the
      stripping of paint. For the proper wine, full of body and flavour
      and colour, you need wine made with la passione from the best
      Brindisian grapes, not the sour Quirmian rubbish. Fernando knows
      that your parties will be a success if you stick to the real vino
      from Brindisi.


      The Celestial Parsnip 24 Aug - 23 Sept

      For the Snippies, the stars suggest that it is the good month for
      the garden party. This confused Fernando at first, because the Ankh-
      Morpork weather is not the best at this time of year. But I have
      checked and double-checked my calculations, and there is no doubt
      that the stars say this is the month for garden parties. How can
      this be?

      But then Fernando remembered what the difference between a garden
      party and a picnic is. If you have invited people called Fred and
      Sally, and asked them to bring a plate, it is probably the picnic.
      But if you have had your servants hand-deliver the invitation
      written on paper with gold edges to people called Lord and Lady
      Panjandrum, then it is probably a garden party. For those of you who
      are having the garden party, you can afford to have it at your
      summer residence in the Tsort islands. For the rest of you, Fernando
      recommends that you have the thick coats and warm hats, or better
      still, you have your picnic indoors.


      The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct

      Not for Boring'uns is the wild party lifestyle. It is difficult to
      be the party animal when a small sherry, a couple of cheese biscuits
      and bed by 9 o'clock are what you consider to be an exciting night.
      But the stars understand and they suggest that your party for this
      month is a quilting party. If the sharp needles and scissors are too
      worrying, Fernando suggests that you supply the snacks and leave the
      dangerous implements to others.


      Androgyna Majestis 24 Oct - 22 Nov

      For Andies, the stars are saying that this is the good time for the
      coming-out party. If you are the young lady of the certain age, this
      is the good month for you to be presented to society. The Ankh-
      Morpork young gentlemens don't normally have the coming-out party.
      Fernando is not sure why this is so -- perhaps the young mens are
      never ready to be presented to polite society?

      For the other young mens, the ones who perhaps have the "wide
      stance", as they say, Fernando can say do not worry my friends, the
      stars are with you this month. This is a very good month for your
      very own coming-out party too.


      The Spoons, a.k.a. the Greater and Lesser Spoons, 23 Nov - 21 Dec

      This month the stars say your party is the costume party, or "fancy
      dress" as they say. You can let everyone dress in whatever wild
      costumes they choose, but the stars suggest that a themed party will
      be better, although nobody is sure how the wizards will react to a
      party full of civilians dressed the same as them. Beware though,
      Fernando knows that you should avoid the toga party, for he has much
      experience in such matters. Fernando has an uncle Giovanni, not the
      shoemaker, the other uncle Giovanni, on Fernando's papa's side. For
      this uncle Giovanni, every party is the toga party. He is always
      dressed like the old Latinium patron, in a toga with a laurel
      wreath, and then drinks very much of the vino and climbs on the
      table and shouts "Food fight" (only in Brindisian, you understand)
      and throws the food at the bride and groom. It is molto
      embarressment, and we would like to not invite him, but what can we
      do? He is family.


      Hoki the Jokester 22 Dec - 20 Jan

      As a Hokian, your birthday is coming up, and the stars say that this
      is a good time for a Birthday Party. Fernando knows that it would
      be, of course. It would be silly to have your birthday celebration
      at a different time of the year, unless you are royalty or a race
      horse. So Fernando wishes you a molto happy birthday, and the stars
      say that this year, unlike last, there will be no fights over what
      our Val said to grandmamma.

      Unfortunately, the stars say nothing about embarrassing relatives
      falling drunk into the punch bowl. Fernando knows you are on your
      own with that.


      The Rather Large Gazunda 21 Jan - 18 Feb

      Fernando knows that some things are timeless and can be enjoyed by
      anyone no matter what their age, like Fernando's dearest mamma's
      melanzana parmigiana, or lying on the soft grass under the shade of
      a fine old tree on a hot summer's day. Other things are not so
      universal, and for Gazundians, your party for this month is one of
      the others, for your party is the pyjama party. So if you are the 15
      year old girl, this is a good month to invite your best friends over
      and talk about boys and Fernando, and play the Truth or Dare game.
      And if you are the 45 year old man, Fernando understands that
      Wednesday night is Pyjama Party night at the Pink Pussycat Club. For
      the rest of you, Fernando is afraid that the stars are not on your
      side this month.


      Lesser Umbrage 19 Feb - 20 Mar

      Umbragians, your preferred party for this month is the surprise
      party, although Fernando is saddened that by telling you this, it
      will no longer be a surprise for you. But surprise parties are not
      just for receiving, they are also for giving, and the stars say that
      this month you should give surprise parties for your friends and
      family. Why wait until their birthday or anniversary? There is
      nothing more surprising than a birthday party six months before the
      guest of honour's birthday, except perhaps for a cake with Fernando
      in it.



      BBC Radio 4's "With Great Pleasure", featuring Terry Pratchett, will
      be broadcast at 12.05pm (Greenwich time) on Christmas Day. In The
      Times Online's round-up of holiday season radio, this programme
      takes the top spot among their recommendations:





      A mysterious theatre company -- which is to say that the newspaper
      article gives no indication as to its identity -- will present a
      single performance of Stephen Briggs' adaptation of Wyrd Sisters in
      late January.

      Where: Towngate Theatre, Basildon
      When: Wednesday, 28th January (doors open at 8pm)
      Tickets: £10, concessions £7.50, available in advance by calling
      01268 417854.



      No, not *the* Librarian, but the Rowan Public Library, Salisbury
      (UK) highly recommends Nation (and the rest of Terry Pratchett's

      "A crossover novel written for teens that will appeal to adults as
      well, it requires no knowledge of Pratchett's previous work...
      plenty of excitement, with at least one scene evocative of an
      Indiana Jones film."



      Denver newspaper The Rocky Mountain News recommends The Illustrated
      Wee Free Men as a seasonal gift:




      Just a little anecdote to close with: yesterday morning, I was
      trawling our bookshelves in search of some light reading for the
      bath when I came across one of a Larry Niven-Steven Barnes series
      called Dream Park. This one was The Voodoo Game, third in the
      series, and I realised that I'd only ever read the first two, so I
      grabbed it. And what should I find in the story but a reference to
      Terry Pratchett -- in fact, three references: first a character was
      described as looking like "a Terry Pratchett wizard" (though, given
      the rest of the description, more of the Rincewind or Bursar than
      the Dean or Two Chairs variety); then there was a reference to a
      "Diskworld" live-action game (oh, you wacky Americans and your wacky
      spellings); and finally, one of the characters was pointedly, erm,
      aping the Librarian. Dream Park: The Voodoo Game was published way
      back in 1991, when Discworld books were the best-kept secret amongst
      bestsellers. It seems enough people were already in on that secret
      that the authors were confident that the references would be
      understood. These days, of course, our little niche group is many
      millions strong -- and so it should be.

      Again, at the year's end, we extend our heartfelt thanks to all the
      helpful Newshounds and other contributors. Keep 'em coming!

      WOSSNAME wishes all of you readers a happy and safe holiday season,
      and we'll be back in the new year. Be careful out there, and don't
      overdo it on the scumble! Happy Hogswatch to all...

      ...and to all a good night...


      End of Part 4.
      If you did not get all four parts, write: interact@...
      Copyright (c) 2008 by Klatchian Foreign Legion
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