WOSSNAME -- OCTOBER 2008 -- PART 5 OF 6
- WOSSNAME -- OCTOBER 2008 -- PART 5 OF 6 (continued)
====Part 5 -- HOROSCOPE
35) YOUR MONTHLY DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE
35) THE NEW DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE
by Fernando Magnifico
Hallo and buongiorno to all my friends! It is I, Fernando, and I
shall be your astrologer today for the Lady Asterisk is unavailable
after an unfortunate accident with an egg whisk.
My friends, Fernando this month has the good news! You may remember
that last month Fernando's heart was like the finest red rose
beneath the foot of a golem -- utterly crushed -- as his star charts
had mysteriously disappeared, although Fernando was fully paid up
with the Thieves Guild. But do not fear, for Fernando's dearest
friend Vickii has found the star charts for sale in a pawn shop in
Sator Square. (Fernando sends his thanks, and will be around next
week with his fig-leaf for another sketch.) Fernando now is able to
make the horoscopes again.
But Fernando is worried, for there is only one possible explanation
for the mystery of how the charts were lost: Fernando's nemesis,
Carlos. Fernando does not wish to speak of Carlos, and yet he must,
for it is his duty to warn Morporkia, who has taken Fernando to her
magnificent bosom, of Brindisi's shame. Carlos is everything
Fernando is not: vain, conceited, a shameless despoiler of women and
corrupter of the youths, a thief who steals wives from their
husbands and young men from their fiancees, and a terrible dresser
too. If ever a fiend took on human form, it is Carlos. Fernando is
greatly feared that Carlos has followed him to Ankh-Morpork. But do
not worry my friends, for Fernando shall not rest until he has
learnt what mischief Carlos is up to. But first, Fernando shall see
what the stars have to say. Ciao bella!
The Adamant Hedgehog 21 Mar - 20 Apr
The stars this month are saying that this is a good time for Hoggers
to demand a promotion. Fernando knows that every month is a good
time for Hoggers to demand a promotion, for the Hogger personality
is spiky, short-tempered and demanding, just like Fernando's Aunt
Maria, who is the terror of her nephews including cousin Luciano who
once ate an entire cow and is eight inches taller and 350 pounds
heavier than her. Fernando has learned much from Aunt Maria. But
this month is especially good, for the stars smile upon the Hoggers
in their business dealing. For Hoggers who are self-employed, it is
a good month to start a new business, or perhaps to take over a
The Half-Eaten Sandwich 21 Apr - 21 May
Sandies, or Munchers, are still experiencing some left-over
influence from Gahoolie the Vase of Tulips. Fernando knows that it
is the remnant of Gahoolie that gives Munchers the enthusiasm to go
out to Forn lands and convert the heathen this month, and from the
Half-Eaten Sandwich the sense to choose which heathens to convert.
The stars suggest that this month is a good time to go to the Brown
Islands or Slakki, where the natives are easy-going and friendly,
and not such a good time to go the Tezuman Empire or Krull, where
they have their own opinions about who are the heathens.
Herne the Hunted 22 May - 21 Jun
This month the stars tell Fernando that it is the auspicious time
for Hernians and romance. This fills Fernando with the happiness,
for Fernando knows well the joy of romance and he likes to see
others also joyful. But Hernians are sometimes shy and retiring, and
need encouragement, so Fernando has asked the stars for espeziale
For those wanting to romance the ladies, the stars they say that
flowers or small gifts will be very appropriate, except for those
ladies born with Great T'Phon in the cusp of the Flying Moose. For
those ladies, they may have an unfortunate tendency to eat the
flowers, and the stars suggest a gift of jewellery instead. A gift
of a small pet is also good: the stars suggest a small puppy or
kitten, or for the more adventurous, a swamp dragon, but if you
really want to make the good impression and you can afford it, the
stars suggest a Ring-Tailed Ocelot.
For those wanting to romance the gentlemens Hernians, the stars
recommend taking an interest in their favourite footsball team,
unless they are the supporters of Quirm, buying them tools, or if
all else fails, turning up at their door wearing a large coat with
nothing underneath. Fernando is especially fond of that last one.
Fernando can also help with personal tuition for any Hernians
wanting to learn more about the romance and the writing of love-
letters and other related activities.
The Wizard's Staff and Knob 22 Jun - 22 Jul
Traditionally many wizards and quite a few witches as well are
Staffies, and for them Fernando does not have good news, for
Fernando is not like some of those other astrologers who will tweak
the horoscope so it only gives the good news. You can trust
Fernando's horoscopes, for like Fernando himself, his horoscopes are
upright and honest and how you say, meticulous. The stars this month
warn that it is not a good month for magic: this will be no hardship
for senior wizards, but student wizards with examinations in the
next few weeks will have to work twice as hard.
Bilious, God of Hangovers 23 Jul - 23 Aug
This month is a good month for Bilians, for Fernando knows that so
say the stars. But Fernando also knows that the typical Bilian is
nervous and pessimistic, very different from Fernando, but life
would be boring if everyone was the same. Fernando is never boring
-- surprising, adventurous, romantic and skillful in many of the
arts, but never boring -- and he thinks that the world is molto
exciting for the many differences we have.
For Bilians, this month will be in general the good month, a small
taste of la dolce vita as we say in Brindisi. You should expect the
small things to go right, and the big things to not go wrong.
The Celestial Parsnip 24 Aug - 23 Sept
This month Snippies should beware of their health, for the stars
warn that they are at risk of illness. Fernando's mamma would always
make sure Fernando wore a warm coat in Brindisi winters, but of
course Brindisi winters are not like Ankh-Morpork winters.
Snippies, the stars warn that you are at particular risk of the
gurgles, chicken pox, duck pox, buffalo pox, and most worrying of
all, caledonia nervosa, the morbid fear of becoming a Nac Mac
Feegle. The best prevention for that last is to actually meet the
Mac Feegles -- one "Crivens" from you and you'll receive such a
kickin' that you'll be cured of any fear of turning into a Feegle.
It may be replaced by a morbid fear of meeting the Feegles again,
but as Fernando knows, that is perfectly normal and nothing to be
The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct
Boring'uns can expect a mixed time this month, like the vino
Fernando's Uncle Alfonso makes. First comes the sweet, for the stars
predict that the beginning of the month will be quiet, peaceful and
blissfully safe for Boring'uns. The stars predict the most
frightening thing will be a run-in with an unusually sharp asparagus
But Fernando is sorry for the Boring'uns, for just when you are
enjoying the quiet the most, the stars will turn things around on
you. Like Uncle Alfonso, whose first batch of vino for the year is
sweet, but then he partakes of a little too much vino himself and
the second batch of vino is sour, you can expect interesting times
in the second half of the month, as the Agateans put it. The gods
like their little surprises, but the stars warn about visits from
in-laws, pineapples, tax audits and a mix-up at the Thieves Guild.
Fernando recommends you get a copy of your Guild voucher and carry
it around with you at all times. It won't stop you being robbed, but
it may prevent that second thump on the head.
Androgyna Majestis 24 Oct - 22 Nov
For Andies this month, you should beware of family arguments. You
can expect to see a molto grande mountain grown from the piccolo ant
hill. Fernando knows how it goes: a brief comment or a passing
remark, a reply, another reply, and before long somebody is saying
"You'll bring That Woman into this house over my dead body" or "If
you knew what your brother said about you, you wouldn't be sitting
there so calmly". Fernando knows very well how it goes, for nobody
argues and loves with so much passion as a Brindisian family!
Fernando remembers when he was a boy, Uncle Nino
(mayherestinnapeace) and Uncle Rafael fighting in the street over
what Uncle Salvatore had said to grandmamma Angelina about cousin
Tony (not cousin Tony who makes the yellow water who I have talked
about before, Uncle Angelo's boy Tony, the one with the squint) and
his fiancee Rosalinda the daughter of Francesco the barber, while
their wives cheered them on, until Aunt Maria hit them both with her
The Spoons, a.k.a. the Greater and Lesser Spoons, 23 Nov - 21 Dec
This month Spooners will find that it is a good month for the
cooking and the food. With the stars giving you assistance, there
will be no more burnt toast, meat burnt to charcoal, or rubbery
eggs. Your pasta will be al dente, your salads fresh and not limp,
and your soups thick and hearty and flavoursome. To be brief, you
will cook almost as well as a Brindisian -- which probably means
your family will ask "what's this foreign muck?" and go out for a
plate of burnt lard swimming in grease or a sausage inna bun.
Fernando loves Ankh-Morpork, the sights, the sounds, especially the
peoples, but he will never get used to the food.
Hoki the Jokester 22 Dec - 20 Jan
This month is a good time for Hokians to do the redecoration.
Fernando has seen that this is so! Hokians especially understand the
wisdom of Mrs Cosmopilite, "A change is as good as a rest", so if
you cannot go away on holiday, redecorate your house instead.
Whether you are repainting it, or replacing the rugs, or just moving
the furniture around, the stars say that the prospects for
redecoration are very good. As they say, "Give your house a new
leash on life!", although Fernando has never understood where you
are suppose to tie the leash.
Fernando's cousin Palomita loves to redecorate, or perhaps it would
be more accurate for Fernando to say that Palomita loves to let
others do the heavy lifting. Fernando has spent many long hours
during the hottest summer days bare to the waist and glistening with
the perspiration, dragging wardrobes from one side of the room to
the other and then back again while Palomita sits on the couch and
The Rather Large Gazunda 21 Jan - 18 Feb
This month, the stars speak of debt for Gazundians. Fernando knows
that there are debts that are owed, and debts that are owing, and
there are debts that can never be repaid. If you owe debts, then
this is a good time to pay them off, for Fernando hears from a man
who knows a man who is tailor to Mr von Lipwig of the Ankh-Morpork
Bank that interest rates are about to rise again. And if you are
owed debts, the stars speak of using those debts as equity, and
selling those debts to other lenders. What could go wrong?
Lesser Umbrage 19 Feb - 20 Mar
It is said that there are only two things certain in life, death and
taxes. But Umbragians this month can be certain of something else:
whatever you do, whatever you say, the Patrician will know it --
possibly even before you do. For the stars say that you have come to
the attention of his Dark Clerks and their spies. The stars do not
say why. Perhaps it was that incautious tirade against his Lordship
out in the street after six too many of the Ankh-Morpork beers.
(Fernando knows that the Patrician does not mind it when people make
threats against him when drunk. It's the ones who don't make threats
that need watching.) Or the suspiciously exact tax return. Or the
barrels of scumble and the cart loads of fertiliser, and you with no
garden. Or perhaps one of the Dark Clerks had a quota to fill and
your name had the wrong sort of vowels. The stars do not say, but
they do say that for the next month you should watch what you say,
send no incriminating clacks, and for preference, sit very very
quietly in a dark cellar with a blanket over your head, and you just
might avoid having to help the Watch with their enquiries.
End of Part 5, continued on Part 6 of 6.
If you did not get all six parts, write: interact@...
Copyright (c) 2008 by Klatchian Foreign Legion