WOSSNAME -- AUGUST 2008 -- PART 4 OF 5 (continued)
====Part 4 -- HOROSCOPE, CONTINUED
31) HOROSCOPE, CONTINUED -- APR > JAN
31) HOROSCOPE, CONTINUED -- APR > JAN
The Half-Eaten Sandwich 21 Apr - 21 May
This letter is from the notable dwarf grag, Bashfull Bashfullsson,
"To Mr Fernando Magnifico,
"As we approach the second decade of the Century of the Anchovy
according to the Ankh-Morpork calendar, it seems to me that there is
another way to be endarkened than only to burrow deep underground.
It may always be dark below ground, but it is dark half the time
above ground too. Tak wrote the stars to shine in the dark. And so
it seems to me that it is time for dwarfs to learn what the stars
have to say to us. Mr Magnifico, what do the stars say?"
Fernando salutes the wisdom of grag Bashfullsson, for Fernando knows
that the stars speak to all peoples on the Disc, no matter their
species and no matter whether the peoples are listening or not. The
stars have this to say: remember that the truths of history are not
always the history we know, and that words are like a double-edged
axe. Especially, Fernando is certain, like a very old double-headed
axe that has been mended many times but still can cut through...
caramba, Fernando does not like to think of such things, for he
believes in making the love, not the war.
Herne the Hunted 22 May - 21 Jun
Fernando has received a letter from the Hernian signorina who
prefers to remain anonymous. The letter is too molto grande to
publish it all, but here is a piccolo extract:
"Dear Fernando, I hope you don't mind me calling you Fernando, I
feel that you have touched me in a way that so few astrologers and
spiritual advisors manage to do. Your horoscopes have made such a
difference to my life in too many ways for me to list, especially
late at night when all is dark and hopeless. Mamma does not
understand the blackness that crushes my soul, and Pappa tries, but
he is so busy and is rarely home. And my brother is simply beastly
to me. Oh Fernando, what shall become of me? When shall the
unrelenting pain of my existence cease?"
Cara mia, it is never hopeless while Fernando is here, for he has a
lifetime's experience in touching people in ways that others do not.
Do not worry, for your letter reminds me of my little sister
Dulcetta, except that Fernando was never the beast to her. She ran
away to marry a young Lieutenant in the Brindisi Cavalry, it was so
romantic and tragic for they had to overcome much opposition, but he
is a Captain now and they are happy with the little bambino and many
great big cuddly dogs.
Fernando has looked carefully at the stars, and they say that this
month you should visit the museums and art galleries and find the
romantic artists who will understand you, and if not, you will at
least find the paintings of Fernando to ease your pain.
The Wizard's Staff and Knob 22 Jun - 22 Jul
This seems to be the month for anonymous letters. This one was
written on a bananananana skin and left in Fernando's mail box
together with a handful of peanuts:
"Ook ook OOK ook. Ook?"
Fernando has consulted the stars and has a prediction for the writer
of this letter: when the UU Librarian reads this, the writer will
very quickly learn what happens when student wizards try to play
silly pranks on orangutans.
Bilious, God of Hangovers 23 Jul - 23 Aug
Fernando's letter is from the very famous Captain Blouse of
Borogravia, who is visiting Ankh-Morpork as liaison to Lord
"Dear Mr Fernando Magnifico,
"Just a few years ago, who would have thought that I would be
writing a 'fan' letter to an 'astrologer', for astrology was an
Abomination onto Nuggan? But things have changed, and I have
wondered what the stars have 'in store' for my men and I. Borogravia
(may the Duchess rule forever) is looking to modernize our army, and
I have quite a few ideas myself, one of which is to 'investigate'
the possibility of each regiment having an 'in-house' astrologer. As
the great Tacticus once wrote, a general should use all sources of
information available to him, except of course he wrote it in the
'old Latinium'. I also have a young man named Simon Fish who wants
permission to study our records looking for mathematical patterns in
the rate of accidents amongst my officers. What do the stars
As Fernando has mentioned before, Fernando is not a fighting man and
does not approve of the warring, but he knows that there will be no
shortage of astrologers who would be happy to cast the horoscopes
for the regiments. None of them are as magnificent as Fernando, but
Fernando is sure that they will be mostly adequate.
As for your young mathematician, the stars are doubtful that anyone
would learn anything of consequence by studying the number of
accidents among the bravissimo cavalry officers, and even if they
did, credit would surely go to someone else.
The Celestial Parsnip 24 Aug - 23 Sept
This letter is from Mrs Confluence:
"Dear Mr Magnifico,
"Your horoscopes have been a great comfort to me since Mr Confluence
passed away of chives six months ago. Mr Confluence was a good man
and he has left me well provided for in my dotage, and a little left
over for frivolities. What should I do? I was thinking of going away
on a holiday. What do the stars suggest would be a nice place to
Fernando is glad to have brought some happiness into the life of a
poor widow, and the stars say that a visit to Brindisi cannot go
wrong. The food! The drink! The friendly people, apart from
Fernando's Aunt Peppita! The sun, the sea, who would not love
Brindisi? If you are looking for something a little closer to home,
the lace works in Sto Helit are nice at this time of year. The
stars also say the riverboats on the Vieux (Masculine) River are
relaxing, but they warn against playing any friendly games of
Cripple Mister Onion unless you can outstare a gargoyle.
The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct
Assistant Postmaster Stanley Howler writes to Fernando:
"To Whom It May Concern, c/o Mr Fernando Magnifico,
"Dear Mr Magnifico I am, born under the Sign of the Small Boring
Group of Faint Stars and I am writing to you to find out what, The
Stars have in mind for me for this month. Will this be a Good Month
to cross-reference my Stamp Collection by number and, size of
perforations? Also, one of the Ladies in the POST OFFICE has been
bringing me, Small Cakes or Other Treats which she makes herself and
sometimes she asks me if I would Like To meet her Parents. When I
ask Mister Groat about this he just turns Red and won't, talk About
It except to make Dire Warnings that No Good Will Come Of It and
when I ask, the Post Master Mr Von Lipwig he winks at me and his
Lady Friend with the cigarettes just Laughs. Does this mean that
Mary for, this is the Name, of the Lady who brings me Treats wants
to see my Stamp Collection?"
Fernando does not need to be an astrologer to answer this question,
but Fernando is very thorough and always takes his time to do things
right, and so he has cast the horoscope to be sure. The stars say
that this is a good month for cross-referencing stamp collections,
but that it is an even better month for the romance, and that the
young lady is interested in more than just the stamps, although she
is perhaps interested in licking.
Androgyna Majestis 24 Oct - 22 Nov
Fernando is a great lover of many things, and one of those things is
the opera, so Fernando is very exited to receive a letter from the
prima diva Christine from the Ankh-Morpork Opera House:
"To my dearest Fernando,
"Your roses last week were just a *tiny* bit smaller than usual, you
naughty boy you!!! I should be offended!!! I was so looking forward
to a holiday in Genua, but now I have been offered the lead in "Da
crepuscolo fino alla prima luce"!!! What should I do?! I owe it to
my many fans to take the role! And my understudy, poor thing, she
tries hard and has good hair! How could I inflict her on my fans?!
What do the stars say about this?! Should I take the role?!"
Fernando feels sympathy for Signorina Christine, for he too knows
what it is like to give of your talents until it hurts. Fernando has
not had a holiday for many weeks, for he has a duty to his readers.
Fernando is especially fond of this opera, especially the Wedding
Aria: "Quem ha liberato i cani fuori? Abbaio! Abbaio!" Who can fail
to be moved to tears by such beauty, nearly as much beauty as the
diva herself? For the sake of the opera fans, Fernando is very
pleased that the stars say that this is an excellent month for the
diva to put her personal feelings aside and take the role.
The Greater and Lesser Spoons, 23 Nov - 21 Dec
Fernando has received this letter from the perfectly respectable
troll businessman Chrysoprase:
"To Mr Magnifico,
"My associates have brung to my attention dat some of our younger
troll brothers have been making der nuisance of demselves by
following you down da street draped in red blankets and with black
wool on dere heads and gener'ly pouncing about. You just say da word
and I'll see to it dat you receive a nice new rock garden. As a
gesture of my personal respec', I'd be grateful if you would cast a
horoscope for Da Spoons and tell me what da past holds for my
business dealings with dem dwarf alchemists in Cabbage Street.
Should I trust dem to hold up dere end of our deal?"
Fernando knows very well that many people wish to look like
Fernando, with his thick black hair and red velvet jacket, so
Fernando is not offended that even trolls sometimes try to imitate
him. For as they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery,
and Fernando is sure they meant no offence.
The stars warn that business deals never last forever, but that they
can last long enough if precautions are taken, like guarantees,
promissory notes or hostages. I must admit that Fernando is a
stranger to the world of finance, and so it is possible that he has
misunderstood that last term.
Hoki the Jokester 22 Dec - 20 Jan
This letter is from Mr Nealey Dun, of the Shades.
"To Mr Fernando the Horroscoper,
"I am writing to you for my dear Mother, who is heart-broken because
of the Cruel and Unfair travesty of what passes for Justice in this
City under the cruel rule of the Tyrant Vetinari and his terrier
Vimes, for my dear Mother's brother, my Uncle Carcer who what never
hurt not even a fly, well maybe a fly but certainly never done what
terrible crimes he was stitched up for by the corrupt constabulary
of this City and then hanged despite being innocent as what a lamb
is but we will never stop fighting to clear his name and get
compensation paid but how can you put a price on the life of a man?
Well the Assassins Guild do everyday so Vimes and Vetinari should
pay and pay lots not that money can bring my Uncle back but it will
soothe the aching heart of my dear Mother what do the stars say
Fernando is deeply moved by your family tragedy, and has studied
hard the stars for this month, taking special care to interpret the
interesting bloodstains on your letter, and Fernando can give good
news and bad news. The bad news is that the stars do not say that
you will succeed in your quest for compensation this month, but the
good news is that justice will come some day, and that your Uncle,
mayherestinpeace, will surely be getting everything he deserves in
End of Part 4, continued on Part 5 of 5.
If you did not get all five parts, write: interact@...
Copyright (c) 2008 by Klatchian Foreign Legion