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  • Not A Granny
    WOSSNAME -- AUGUST 2008 -- PART 3 OF 5 (continued) ... oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo ====Part 3 -- WEIRD ALICE, AND HOROSCOPE 29) THE
    Message 1 of 1 , Aug 30, 2008
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      WOSSNAME -- AUGUST 2008 -- PART 3 OF 5 (continued)

      ====Part 3 -- WEIRD ALICE, AND HOROSCOPE





      First Clog: "I can't let Morpork go"

      So...I'm still here. But I'll be heading home soon. Maybe in a few
      days. Or something.

      It's hard to leave Ankh-Morpork. It's like, um, quicksand. Or
      slurry. You try to drag yourself out and it keeps sucking you back
      in. I know, I know, it smells like quicksand mixed with slurry too,
      but there's something about this city... I've heard it said that the
      city is a woman (though in that case, it's a woman of very
      questionable personal hygiene) who gets under your skin, but that
      sounds very uncomfortable and also crowded. Of course, A-M is
      uncomfortable and crowded, so maybe they have a point, but it's
      just... so... fascinating here. And exciting. And dangerous. Okay,
      maybe less of the dangerous as a recommendation, but so very
      fascinating. They say -- "they" say a lot of things, don't they? --
      there are a million stories in this big festering fragrant
      megalopolis, and that means an endless supply of inspirations for a
      Bard to write about.

      But I'm going home soon. Really. Yes.

      Very busy these days, but here's some assorted news:

      Career goes from strength to strength! The Sisters of Invention is a
      five-piece now: myself, Listeria, Anaglypta (really taken to the
      lute, she has), Lucrezia (very decent on the mandolin and banjo),
      and an expatriate called LuRid from Morpork Below who apparently
      used to play Below with a band called the Vurm-lit Underground (good
      drummer, but his voice is a bit cracked). We're playing at least
      four nights a week now, and we've even joined the Musicians' Guild!
      For all the disturbing stories I've heard about the Guild, it seems
      like a tame enough organisation, and the rates aren't too
      bad...though I did hear they went through a major reorganisation a
      few years ago, so maybe that explains it.

      One of our regular gigs now is at Wahoonie, I'm Home. This means I
      get my Barbarian at the Gate cocktails free. This in turn means a
      lot of scumble hangovers, which means a lot of hair of the dog (or
      of the "...mostly apples..."), which means I'm feeling a bit, um,
      liverish lately. Well, more than a bit. Might have to go back to
      beer. Though there are some interesting new cocktails on the drinks
      menu. These include the Tired and Emotional, which features Genuan
      creme de menthe, Brindisian grappa and BeTrobi Islands rum and has
      even more of a kick than the Rule You Wholesale (though less of a
      brassica flavour); the Aqueduct de Luxe, which *claims* to include
      real Ankh water with gin to "make it safe for drinking" (but I don't
      believe mere spirits could sanitise Ankh water); the Duke of Ankh,
      which is just sparkling mineral water with a slice of lemon, but the
      barman does wave an unopened bottle of whisky near it before
      serving; the Grand Vizier, featuring melon liqueur from Al Khali
      and fig juice; and the Hook, Line and Stinkered, which believe it or
      not is made from fish consomme and Djelibeybian garlic wine. That
      one give a while new meaning to the phrase "liquid lunch"! Very
      inventive, these modern bartenders.


      There's a new bookshop that's opened in Rime Street, near the
      Contract Bridge end -- it's called Waterstain's. I paid a visit the
      other day and found a real treasure: Bawdey Ballades, by A Wanton
      Ladye. I've put some of these to music and they're going down a
      treat at the Seamstresses' Guild gigs, especially when sung by
      Listeria with, um, explanatory gestures. Mr Waterstain is something
      of a treasure himself, very friendly and helpful. And he also sells
      lute strings! I'm putting this one on my personal Mapp.


      Yesterday I met a man with a duck on his head. No-one seemed to
      notice it. How very A-M.


      There's a display of antiquities, which is to say things dug up
      during the Undertaking, currently on view at an old house on
      Chrononhotonthologos Street. Very interesting.


      There was a party at the home of Rosella, one of Mrs Palm's
      employees, last night. Much more interesting.


      Had my first Dibbler sausage inna bun. Also my last Dibbler sausage
      inna bun. One and the same.

      Mr Dibbler still wants to manage the Sisters. After that sausage? No


      Found an Uberwaldean restaurant called Grossenschweinebitzen (which
      translates in Morporkian as Many Parts of Pig). It's in Scrag End,
      just off Pigsty Hill, and they do Ghoulish. Proper Ghoulish! Best
      I've had since Bad Blitz on the Blut! I'll be going there again for


      A-M beer does not sit well on mornings after. Am back on the
      Barbarians. At least with a scumble hangover you know what you're
      getting, and even essence of dead sheep is better than some of the
      things they put in the beer here.


      Bad smog last night - a real curry-souper. I could hardly sing for
      coughing. I could hardly play for inebriation too, but that's not
      the point. They say the Undertaking will help clear the air here;
      Gods know that would make A-M more appealing!


      I'm going home soon. Really.

      Here endeth this post.

      * * * *

      Second Clog: "...and the course of true love never runs smooth..."

      Cert moved back off campus. Not back in with us, though -- he's
      taken a room at the YMPA in God Street -- but we're still getting on
      well and not at all like a house on fire, as it were. He's not as
      deep in his studies now because he's taken a job on the Undertaking.
      It seems they need all the Technomancers they can get, and don't
      mind if they haven't a UU doctorate as long as they have Talent and
      experience. Cert definitely has experience, as you all know from
      reading this Clacks log! -- so he's being paid very well, which is
      how he was able to afford the genuine octarine pendant he bought me
      last week. I said I wasn't sure what to make of that, and he said I
      could always make an investment of it. Aww, how sweet!

      I suggested the YMPA because so many people, well, denizens of A-M,
      recommend it. It's clean and pleasant in a slightly run-down way,
      and even more broad-minded than Mrs Cake about who resides there, if
      that's possible. I wrote a song about it:

      Young mage, there's no need to feel down
      I said, young mage, pick your robe off the ground
      I said, young mage, you're in Ankh-Morpork town
      There's no need to seek for lodgings

      Igor, there's a place you'll fit in
      I said, Igor, when your stitches wear thin
      You can stay there, and I'm sure you will find
      Many willing organ donors

      It's fun to stay at the YMPA
      To laugh and play at the YMPA
      They have what it takes when you're putting down stakes
      Drop your laundry at Mrs Cake's

      It's fun to stay at the YMPA
      Tenpence a day at the YMPA
      You can practise your spells, you can make your own bed,
      You can live like proper Undead...

      Werewolf, are you ready for "Sit!"?
      I said, Vampire, are you biter or bit?
      I said, Banshee, you can be fright-ing fit
      But I've got to tell you one thing:

      No beast has to hunt on his own
      I said, young wolf, there's no need to be lone
      You just go there, to the YMPA
      I'm sure there's a kennel today

      It's fun to stay at the YMPA
      The stoo is grey at the YMPA
      They serve everyone there from Wizards to Fools
      You can hang out with all the ghouls

      It's fun to stay at the YMPA
      You're not a stray at the YMPA
      You can sleep on a slab, you can roost in a tree
      Even practise necromancy...

      Young mage, I was once lost as you
      I said, I felt near as dead as Reg Shoe
      I thought no one cared a figgin, you see
      I felt the whole Disc hated me

      That's when Creatures set me back on my feet
      And said, human, take a walk up God Street
      There's a place there called the YMPA
      It's where Belshamharoth's friends stay...

      They always stay at the YMPA
      No need to pray at the YMPA
      They have yellow soap, towels harder than boards
      You can mix with the mis-matched hordes

      Go right away to the YMPA
      You'll shout "au lait!" at the YMPA
      You can practise your spells, you can make your own bed,
      You can live like proper Undead

      You'll find it all at the YMPA!


      Meanwhile, there's been another bit of what you might call romantic
      drama in our little circle...Lucrezia, of all people! It seems that
      some of her Little Errands took her to the University, and she met a
      special someone. A very special someone. It was one of those star-
      crossed relationships that was Never Meant to Be, but her life will
      never be the same again since she met the...


      Is she really hanging out with him?
      (Well, there she is. Let's ask her.)
      Lucy, are those his banananas you're wearing?
      Gee, it must be great reading with him!
      Is he picking you up by the scruff today?
      By the way, where'd you meet him?

      I met him at the Mended Drum
      He threw a peanut shell at me
      You want an iconograph? (yes, we see)
      That's when I fell for
      The Reader in the Stacks

      My folks were always putting him down...down, down
      They said, "He's not built to live on the ground..."
      (Whatcha mean when ya say
      That he's not built to live on the ground?)

      They told me, "He's an ape!"
      But I saw his true shape
      That's why I fell for
      The Reader in the Stacks

      One day the Dean said, "Find someone new"
      I had to tell my ape we were through
      (Whatcha mean when ya say
      The Librarian was no good for you?)
      He stood there and asked me, "Ook?"
      I borrowed another book
      Ill never desert you, my Reader in the Stacks

      He bared his teeth and swung for the sky
      His cheek-pads beginning to glow
      As he disappeared in those gloomy stacks
      I begged him not to go
      But whether he heard, I'll never know

      Oh no! Hippo! Look out! Oh shi...!!!

      I felt so helpless, what could I do
      With Dungeon Dimensions Things leaking through?
      In UU they point and stare
      No Librarian? -- well, I don't care!
      I'll never forget him
      The Reader in the Stacks

      The Reader in the Stacks -- now he's gone
      The Reader in the Stacks -- orange brawn
      The Reader in the Stacks -- not a prawn
      The Reader in the Stacks -- now he's gone

      * * * *

      Must fly now. Rehearsal time! And then I'll start packing to go
      home. Really.

      -- Alice

      Note for Roundworlders: the original lyrics for YMCA, by the Village
      People, can be found at:

      ...and the original lyrics for Leader of the Pack, by the Shangri-
      Las, can be found at http://tinyurl.com/62zks4



      by Fernando Magnifico

      Buongiorno my dearest friends! The Lady Asterisk is indisposed this
      month, she has been bitten by the butterfly. But do not worry, for
      it is I, Fernando, and I shall shoulder the burden of being your
      astrologer this month.

      This month, Fernando will use the horoscopes to answer some of the
      many questions sent to him by his readers. But first, Fernando is
      very exciting to announce that he can surf the clacks, for he has
      the C-mail address now and will be happy to receive letters and
      questions from his fans who are too far away to visit Fernando
      personally. Fernando promises to reply to everybody, no matter how
      much time it takes, for Fernando is a willing martyr to his devoted
      public. You can c-mail Fernando on Magnifico@... now!

      Fernando also knows that he is very popular across many dimensions,
      and he is owed a favour or three by some of the student wizards at
      the High Energy Magic Department. For this reason, Fernando has
      arranged for Hex to forward the Roundworld e-mails to him. For
      Fernando's readers in Roundworld, you can send the messages to
      <magnifico at pearwood dot info> and, if the interdimensional
      portals stay open long enough, Fernando will be happy to reply. But
      please, do not send Fernando any offers to make his manly parts any
      bigger, for Fernando is magnificent just as he is now. Ciao bella!


      The Adamant Hedgehog 21 Mar - 20 Apr

      Fernando's first letter is signed "Willikins".

      "Dear Mr Magnifico,

      "I enjoy reading your monthly horoscopes and wanted to thank you. I
      also wish to take this opportunity to ask you about the predictions
      of the stars for this month. I am a 'Hogger', as they say. What do
      the stars hold for me?"

      Fernando is very excited by this letter, for Fernando loves a
      challenge. And what a challenge! The letter says nothing about the
      writer, which makes casting the horoscopes molto difficile for
      Fernando. But never fear, for Fernando is very good at what he does,
      and he will rise to the occasion no matter whether Willikins is
      perhaps the fashionable gentleman of fine distinction, or one of the
      very exciting young avant-garde (if you excuse my Quirmian, grazie)
      ladies of the art district who use only the one name and maybe
      enjoys painting the fig leafs. The letter says little, but
      Fernando's imagination is very wild. So Fernando has consulted with
      the stars, and the stars make Fernando's imagination even more wild.
      The stars say that Willikins will be in contact with fine wines and
      good food, and that he or she will often wield a sharp blade. The
      stars even suggest that there will be dragons. Fernando is


      End of Part 3, continued on Part 4 of 5.
      If you did not get all five parts, write: interact@...
      Copyright (c) 2008 by Klatchian Foreign Legion
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