WOSSNAME -- JULY 2008 -- PART 6 OF 6
- WOSSNAME -- JULY 2008 -- PART 6 OF 6 (continued)
====Part 6 -- HOROSCOPE, CONTINUED, AND CLOSE
30) YOUR MONTHLY DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE SEP -> MAR
30) HOROSCOPE, SEP -> MAR
The Celestial Parsnip 24 Aug - 23 Sept
The stars warn Snippies this month against the Brindisian national
hobby, second only to the footsball, namely the pinching of the
signorettas on the sedere, how do you say it? The bottom. This
warning goes double if the lady in question is a duchess, as
Fernando's cousin Tomas found out last week.
The stars also say that Snippies should be careful of being too
familiar with any dogs you might find at the Watch. Fernando does
not understand this warning, as he often meets with Captain Carrot
(a man almost as magnificent as Fernando himself) to discuss the
Brindisi Cup, and he sometimes brings a truly magnificent golden-
haired signorina wolfhound with him. Fernando has never had any
problems from rubbing the lady dog's belly, although Nobby Nobbs
falls over laughing and the Sergeant Colon goes as red as Fernando's
Uncle Alfonso's red vino.
The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct
Boring'uns have a talent for memorising the details of long
complicated lists, which is good, for this month the stars warn that
your faux pas to beware of is from the rules of court. Does a
marquis outrank an earl? Who should give way on a narrow bridge, a
duke or a cavaleiro? The answers may surprise those not familiar
with the intricate rules invented by nobles with no wars to go to.
Even the stars are no guide, except to say beware! But do not fear
my friends, for Fernando has spent many hours with Ankh-Morpork
heralds, and has the answers:
- A marquis outranks an earl, unless the earl is from Chimeria, in
which case the ranks are reversed;
- On a narrow bridge, the duke should give way, but in a doorway, it
is the cavaleiro who must;
- At dinner, the first slice of beef goes to the Patrician, who by
tradition is supposed to fling it at his Fool's head (but alas, our
current Patrician has let this fine tradition slip);
- Any noble of rank viscount or higher is permitted to slip a small
stone or pebble into the left shoe of the second son of a count on
Wednesdays and Fridays;
- and many others.
While Boring'uns are learning their courtly manners, the stars warn
that they should not forget their table manners. Fernando remembers
as a young boy being clipped across the ear by his Aunt Maria for
making the gas at the dinner table. Boring'uns should learn this
lesson well, and remember too that you should always ask others to
pass the salt, and not use your wooden leg to hook it like
Fernando's Uncle Salvatore.
Androgyna Majestis 24 Oct - 22 Nov
For Andies, the stars this month warn about an exceptional faux pas,
perhaps the most serious of all: mutiny or rebellion. Fernando knows
that there is never any excuse or rebellion against your liege lord
-- unless you win.
In these cosmopolitan times, Andies may find themselfs hosting a
dinner party where some of the guests are dwarfs. While dwarfs can
happily eat human food, it is especially good manners to serve
traditional dwarf fare like rat or dwarf-bread. The dwarf bread will
come in very useful if the meal ends with the traditional after-
dinner brawl. But remember that if you do choose to serve rat, it is
the serious faux pas not to supply ketchup.
The Spoons, a.k.a. the Greater and Lesser Spoons, 23 Nov - 21 Dec
For the Spooners, this is a month to be particularly careful of the
faux pas related to beverages. Klatchian coffee should only be drunk
from a tiny thimble-sized cup, unless you are tired of sanity;
espresso should be drunk strong, hot, and sweet, like Fernando
himself; and tea should be drunk from a cup, never from a saucer,
although a tin mug is acceptable for Watchmen and on-duty soldiers.
Hot cocoa is a drink for the bambinos, unless flavoured with a dash
This is also the month for Spooners to be particularly careful when
dealing with witches. It is good manners to offer witches any old
clothes you might still have, if they are well cleaned and mended.
Black or the darker purples are best, although some of the younger
witches who have read too many books may prefer green. Fernando
knows that the witches are very touchy about their honorifics, so if
you are unsure whether she is a Granny or Nanny or Mother, it is
better to keep quiet and be thought a fool than to open your mouth
and be turned into a frog.
Hoki the Jokester 22 Dec - 20 Jan
Hokians should especially be careful about telling jokes to
professional joke-tellers, such as the members of the famous Fool's
Guild. Many clowns are molto sensitive of the fact that despite the
years of training and privation, they are not as funny as untrained
civilians, so unless you find crying clowns funny, you should avoid
trying to make them laugh. Beware also that some of the more senior
Fools have no, how do you say, sense of humour. Some of them are so
sensitive that simply starting a sentence with "I say..." or "Did
you hear..." is enough to land you a pie in the face -- perhaps with
a fist in it.
Supporting Quirm in the Brindisi Cup is a major faux pas for all
peoples. Fernando has seen that this is so! This month, the stars
say it is an especially serious mistake to make for Hokians.
Fernando does not like to frighten his readers, but the stars
themselves have cursed the Quirmian footsballers, and they warn that
if you support Quirm, your legs are sure to be eaten by pineapples.
[Editor's note: Hokians should perhaps consider getting a second
opinion on this particular prediction.]
The Rather Large Gazunda 21 Jan - 18 Feb
Gazundians should be careful not to make a faux pas when shaking
hands. It is not done to shake hands with royalty or witches,
because it is disrespectful, or Nobby Nobbs, because you might catch
something. Ladies should offer their hand to be kissed, and a
gentleman's handshake should not be limp like a dead fish. In some
of the tougher streets, it is considered bad manners to whimper or
cry when your hand is crushed.
The stars also warn against using the wrong cutlery at mealtimes. In
Brindisi, it is considered good manners to use the same knife and
fork through the entire meal, but Ankh-Morporkians prefer to use
different cutlery for each course. But no matter what the rules for
cutlery are, eating peas by stabbing them with a stiletto is only
good manners if you can throw the knife across the room and hit a
fly in the eye.
Lesser Umbrage 19 Feb - 20 Mar
Umbragians are known for their love of technomancy, especially
machines that go Bingley Bingley Beep. This month, the stars warn
that you should beware of talking too loudly to your Dis-organiser
in public. Other people do not want to hear about your doctor's
appointment to check out the funny little rash, or need to know that
you're buying a dozen oysters from the fishmonger. Trust Fernando on
Another faux pas that Umbragians should beware of is the failure to
buy a round when it is your turn. This is especially bad in
Fourecksian pubs, where feigning sudden deafness when it is your
turn to shout can often lead to sudden deathness.
All signs 21 Mar - 20 Mar
This month, the stars have something to say for all people in Ankh-
Morpork, regardless of their sign or their social standing, whether
knight or beggar, priest or assassin. The stars warn that there is
one social faux pas you should beware of, one with the most serious
Do not use the M word to describe the Unseen University Librarian.
The stars have spoken.
31) AND IT'S GOODNIGHT FROM US
I hope, O Readers, that you enjoyed this month's packed issue.
WOSSNAME wishes all the best of fun to the DWCon conventiongoers and
their guests, and especially to the Guest of Honour. Remember to
check your recent issues for additional info about upcoming releases
and Discworld plays. Take care, and we'll see you next month!
End of Part 6.
If you did not get all six parts, write: interact@...
Copyright (c) 2008 by Klatchian Foreign Legion