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WOSSNAME - JANUARY 2001 - Part 1 of 2

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  • JSCHAUM111@aol.com
    WOSSNAME Newsletter of the Klatchian Foreign Legion January 2001 (Volume 5 Issue 1) *********************************************************************
    Message 1 of 1 , Jan 31, 2001
      Newsletter of the Klatchian Foreign Legion
      January 2001 (Volume 5 Issue 1)

      WOSSNAME is a FREE publication for members of the
      worldwide Klatchian Foreign Legion and its affiliates,
      including the North American Discworld Society and other
      continental groups. Are you a member? Yes, if you sent
      in your e-mail address. Are there any dues? No.
      Editor in Chief: Joseph Schaumburger
      Staff Writers: Geof Johns, Michael Jones
      Art Director : Rhett Pennell
      World Membership Director: Becky Swaney
      Convention News Editor: Megan Perry
      Webmaster: Paul Wilkins, disk@...
      Copyright 2001 by Klatchian Foreign Legion
      ==Part 1
      1. Convention News
      2. Poets Wanted
      3. Little Known Gods of Discworld
      4. Advance Book Review
      5. Free Book
      6. Trivia Quiz
      ==Part 2
      7. Helping Hodges
      8. Death in Discworld
      9. Whatever Happened to Egroups?
      10. Bargain at SFBC
      11. Useless Info from All Over
      12. Trivia Scoring

      Megan Perry, our DISCWORLDCON Chairman,
      reports that she has ten volunteers so far, but needs
      a lot more. Of course, this will depend on where the
      con is held. Please fill out the form below and send
      it to her. Let her know if you'd like to participate:

      Send to: FleurDeDisc888@...

      A. I would like to see the con held in
      ( ) 2002 (may conflict with a UK con)
      ( ) 2003
      ( ) 2004

      B. Best month is: ...................................

      C. Here's my choice for the location:
      ( ) Anywhere in the USA
      ( ) Northeast / where:..........................................
      ( ) Southeast / where.......................................
      ( ) Central / where............................................
      ( ) Northwest / where......................................
      ( ) Southwest / where......................................
      ( ) California / where........................................

      D. Guests

      We would all like to see Terry Pratchett as the Guest
      of Honor, of course. However, in the event he isn't
      available, who else would you like to see, or would like
      to see as a guest, even if Terry is there:

      ( ) Neil Gaiman
      ( ) Paul Kidby
      ( ) Stephen Briggs
      ( ) Elton Murphy
      ( ) Pratchett editor, US publisher
      ( ) Pratchett editor, UK publisher
      ( ) Others: .................................


      ( ) Yes, I'd like to volunteer to help with the proposed

      Your name..................................................


      e-mail address...............................................



      For the pleasure and entertainment of our members
      we are running a limerick contest starting now,
      and running through June 30, 2001.

      If you can generate any, please send them in.
      (Nothing too obscene, please, as we have some
      younger members.) Non-English limericks are
      acceptable, too.

      There once was a copper named Vimes
      Who punished unspeakable crimes
      He cooked Captain Carrot
      Whom he fed to his parrot
      For writing degenerate rhymes

      -- Joe Schaumburger, USA
      Although the praise and admiration of your
      colleagues should be enough of a reward,
      as you will enjoy the people's ovation and fame
      forever, if we get a lot of high quality entries,
      we may consider offering something more
      substantial. Please put your name and
      country at the end of each limerick, as shown
      in the sample.
      3) LITTLE KNOWN (and justly forgotten) GODS OF THE DISCWORLD
      © Michael Jones 2000 (Discworld and individual characters © 2000 Terry
      and Lyn Pratchett)

      RATIONAL, The God of Atheists

      NUMBER OF WORSHIPPERS: Countless Thousands


      You can't see me! Oh bugger..."

      Gods are created as the focus of belief. Atheism is the denial of the
      existence of a God or Gods, and to deny the existence of something is, in
      itself a form of belief. And in the Discworld's high magical field, such
      strong belief (even belief in the nonexistence of a God) must be manifest

      And so is born Rational, the God of Atheists. Rational has thousands of
      worshippers - people all over the Disc refuse to believe in the Gods. This
      makes him one of the more immanent Gods. Unfortunately, he does not
      have a single believer, making his influence very weak. He is seen
      occasionally around Dunmanifestin, where he spends most of his time trying
      desperately not to exist. On being spotted by another God, he usually
      bursts into tears and does his best to hide. Rather than being angry with
      him, the other Gods tend to take pity on him; it's hard to stay angry with
      someone whose main goal in life is to no longer exist.

      If the God of Atheists had a High Priest, his name would be Dorfl. But of
      course, he doesn't. Only Gods have High Priests. If he had a Holy Book, his
      prophets would be Philosophers. But of course, only religions have Holy books.

      NIKE, the God of Shoes, Boots, and Footwear

      NUMBER OF WORSHIPPERS: The few traditional cobblers left on the Disc.

      MOST IMPORTANT WORDS TO HIS FOLLOWERS: "Go forth. Comfortably."

      The worship of Nike has fallen into disregard in modern times, although the
      more traditional leatherworkers and cobblers still invoke his name when
      they are working their art. Nike traditionally appeared as a human or dwarf
      with a leather apron of bottomless pockets, from whence issued shoes and
      footwear of all sizes and shapes, and it is said that his enemies were
      consumed with a deadly curse of blisters and bunions. It is said that those
      who follow Nike, and who are shriven during his yearly Festival of Laces,
      will one day speak in Tongues, and only then will their Soles be saved. Of
      course, to truly be saved, the worshippers had to consent to be tanned,
      cured, laced up, and buried wrapped in tissue paper in an enormous
      cardboard box - an unpopular (and expensive) way of guaranteeing that the
      afterlife was spent in the company of a group of people who spent their
      entire beforelife making shoes.

      JUDE, The God of Law



      MOST IMPORTANT WORDS TO HIS FOLLOWERS: "Thou shalt obey the Law."

      We all know about the God of Justice, Blind Io. Few people remember his
      little known brother, the God of Law. Law is, of course, the written word
      of justice, and on the discworld it is hard to miss the fact that Law and
      Justice are sometimes Hubs apart.

      The God of Law might have been one of the more powerful of the Discworld
      parthenon if it were not for one of those clerical errors that so often
      hamstrings a religion before it starts. The one commandment of the God of
      Law is "Thou shalt obey the law". Unfortunately, the prophet who wrote the
      holy book of the God of Law neglected to specify which law; and from where
      the law should come. And so, in deference to the average Discian's world
      view, which is about as ethnocentric as a black hole, the God of Law's
      religion has become rather fragmented.

      There are the Quirm Orthodoxes, who believe that anyone not following the
      laws of Quirm should be buried alive (a traditional Quirmian custom). The
      Pseudopolitan Congress of Jude believe that the Law is that set by their
      God. Seeing as Jude has never actually passed any law themself, they live
      in abject fear that they have already broken the laws they don't know
      about. The Ankh-Morpork Revelational Sect of Jude were the most popular
      group, law being a rather relative concept in Ankh-Morpork society, until
      someone actually bothered to investigate the Laws and Ordinances of
      Ankh-Morpork and discovered that, by way of being alive, nearly every
      member of the religion was in direct disobedience of the Vital State Law of
      1456, passed posthumously by the Patrician of the time, and as a result all
      members of the religion had to be put to the sword by the age of six.

      Few people actively practice the worship of the God of Law now. Few people
      over the age of six, anyway.

      YES, the God of Sex

      NUMBER OF WORSHIPPERS: All individuals of marrigeable age (with the
      possible exception of Mrs. Cake...)


      MOST IMPORTANT WORDS TO HIS FOLLOWERS: "Go forth and...go forth and...come
      on, at least wait for me to finish the sentence..."

      Yes is proof positive that when enough people invoke a god, his existence
      becomes reality. Yes is a rather shy, retiring young man who manages to
      spend his eternal life in a state of constant embarrassment. He also has
      rather sweaty palms. The traditional invocation for the God of Sex is "Oh,
      God, Yes!". Yes has as worshippers nearly every man or woman of
      marriageable age, but his influence is weakened because most of those
      people only worship him at a certain time of night, once or twice a week. [1]

      MILANDER, The God of Takeaway Food

      NUMBER OF WORSHIPPERS: All those who shop at Klatchian takeaways, curry
      houses, Counterweight Continent rice-and-fish shops, Fourecks pub dashes,
      Dwarf Rat Restaurants, Troll Rock Huts, and even the few remaining
      customers at C.M.O.T Dibbler's Sausage Inna Bun cart.

      MOST IMPORTANT HOLY WORDS: "Would you like Klatchian fries with that?"

      The God of Takeaway Food can be found wherever a Klatchian Hots with
      Anchovies is being devoured; he holds as his temple every greasy
      curry-house, every fish-and-chip shop, and every House of Ribs on the Disc.
      It is said that his influence spreads everywhere, even though his religion
      is now sadly forgotten; once it was said that even in the deepest jungles
      of Howondaland, where an enterprising native by the name of
      Pierce-My-Own-Lip D'bla decided to start selling Ghewanda bugs fried in
      poor quality Larkweed Oil, Milander was watching.

      Milander is an imposing figure. Eight feet tall, his hair is red and
      burning with the deepest fire as it twists around his head like nascent
      flames. He wears a coat of platinum and gold plates, and his face is the
      stark white of bone; his lips drip crimson with the blood of his enemies,
      and his legs are criss-crossed with the blood of those who have sinned
      against him by growing or eating the forbidden fruit [3].

      [1] Unless, of course, they are feeling particularly devout.[2]
      [2] The Temple of Yes would have to be Mrs. Rosemary Palm's
      House of Negotiable Affection, for this reason.
      [3] Which would be any fruit at all, really.

      -- Michael Jones



      Time is a resource. Everyone knows it has to be managed.

      And on Discworld that is the job of the Monks of History, who store it and
      pump it from the places where it's wasted (like underwater--how much time
      does a codfish need?) to places like cities, where there's never enough

      But the construction of the world's first truly accurate clock starts a race
      against, well, time for Lu Tze and his apprentice Lobsang Ludd. Because it
      will stop time. And that will only be the start of everyone's problems.

      Thief of Time comes complete with a full supporting cast of heroes and
      villains, yetis, martial artists and Ronnie, the fifth horseman of the
      Apocalypse (who left before they became famous).

      To be released about May 2001.

      (All info from www.amazon.co.uk)

      -- Nathan Clissold


      To remind Wossname readers that he can now take payments
      by plastic, Stephen (CMOT) Briggs is offering a free
      copy of the new graphic novel of 'Guards! Guards!'
      (illustrated by Graham Higgins) to the first Wossname
      reader to send in an order for more than 20GBP-worth of
      Stephen's Discworld merchandise. The book sells in the
      UK for around 9GBP, so that's a pretty good offer! All
      other qualifying orders received by Stephen within ten
      days of the publication date of this issue of Wossname
      will receive a free badge as a consolation prize!

      Well, he still sells the Unseen University scarf, which
      started off his range and the University degree, t-shirt
      and Doctorate along with a wide and ever-expanding range
      of quality lapel pins and badges based firmly in the
      'reality' of Discworld - these now include the Fools'
      Guild 'Complete Fool' badge (from the 2001 Diary) and
      the Uberwald League of Temperance badge (from 'The Fifth
      Elephant' and 'The Truth') along with many others -
      including a City Watch lapel badge to go with the City
      Watch t-shirt.

      Stephen also now stocks Mended Drum tea towels and
      Harga's House of Ribs aprons (ideal for BBQs), plus an
      Ankh-Morpork Times key-ring and ball point pens engraved
      with Terry Pratchett's signature.

      He's always looking to expand the range and, although
      many of his ideas spin off from the books themselves,
      he's always happy to hear ideas from Terry's readers.

      A full list of his current range, with details of
      prices, is available from him at sbriggs@...

      6) === WOSSNAME? TRIVIA! ===

      By Apatite the Troll (Discworld and individual characters
      © 2000 Terry and Lyn Pratchett)

      Welcome to new WOSSNAME? TRIVIA! Apatite's trivia subject
      for this week - Trolls, of course!

      1) What was the name of Detritus' girlfriend? (1 Point)

      2) What was the name of Buddy's roadie? (1 Point)

      3) What is the name of the underground Troll crime syndicate? (1 Point)

      4) Name 1: The Troll crime magnate (1 Point) and 2: The nightclub he
      manages (1 Point).

      Now they're getting harder...

      5) What was the Sea-Troll's name and what made him different from
      all other Discworld trolls? (3 Points)

      6) Name a Troll bar. (3 Points)

      7) Name a Troll gambling game. (3 Points)

      And finally, the bonus question for extra points...

      8) Name a troll that works at a saw-mill (2 Points), what he was making (2
      Points), and what book did he feature in? (2 Points, for a total of 6)

      See the last page of WOSSNAME for answers and scoring.

      End of Part 1, says my computer -- continued on Part 2 of 2

      [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
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