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WOSSNAME - JUNE 2008 - PART 3 OF 4

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  • Not A Granny
    WOSSNAME -- JUNE 2008 -- PART 3 OF 4 (continued) ... oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo ====Part 3 - ...AND MORE...AND WEIRD ALICE 24) ABP
    Message 1 of 1 , Jun 26, 2008
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      WOSSNAME -- JUNE 2008 -- PART 3 OF 4 (continued)
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      oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

      ====Part 3 - ...AND MORE...AND WEIRD ALICE

      24) ABP BITS OF INTEREST
      25) ANSWERS TO LAST MONTH'S QUIZ
      26) THE CLACKS LOG OF WEIRD ALICE LANCREVIC

      oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

      24) ABP HI-JINKS: NOT THE TIFFANY THEY EXPECTED

      The alt.books.pratchett discussion list received some momentarily
      confusing spam this month -- a post titled "Do you fall over oneself
      for Tiffany? yes?" Unfortunately, it had nowt to do with Tiffany
      Aching; it was a poorly-worded jewellery sale scam. But the ABP-ers
      reacted with the right spirit:

      No, but I'm betting there's a some little blue guys who won't like
      you tossing around the name of the wee big hag in such a cavalier
      manner. You might expect some rather rude contact with yer ankles
      before too long. They're little, but they'll crawl ya.

      -- Medium sized Aggie

      Perhaps No'-as-big-as-Medium-Sized-Aggie-but-bigger-than-Wee-Aggie
      Aggie?

      -- Anery

      Crivens! Aggie's doin' the tappin' o' the feets!

      -- Steveski

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      25) GLOD IS IN THE DETAILS: ANSWERS TO LAST MONTH'S QUIZ

      1. Who built the original prototype of HEX?
      *c. Skazz

      2. What is Princess Keli's full first name?
      *b. Kelirehenna

      3. What was the flavour of Mr Bent's terrifying custard?
      *d. Pineapple

      4. What did Madam fear her cat might be allergic to?
      *b. Diamonds

      5. What happened to the Lancre Morris Men's accordion player?
      *d. He couldn't stop playing

      6. What were the favoured weapons of the Sto Plains Riflers?
      *b. Pliers and armoured shoehorns

      7. Which of the following are all Trollish street drugs?
      *c. Slab, Slide and Scrape

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      26) THE CLACKS LOG OF WEIRD ALICE LANCREVIC

      Post 12. THE LAND OF BILK AND WAHOONIE

      First Clog: "Nine out of ten ain't bad..."

      Well...actually, it is.

      I've been here for weeks and have hardly seen any of Ankh-Morpork's
      famous attractions and better-known local colour. And it's not for
      want of trying. Now that tourism has become popular, or at least has
      *become*, there's an old traditional saying about how whatever place
      or person or local attraction you've come to see will be unseeable
      nine times out of ten. And in my case, I keep getting all nine times!
      Here is a list of some of my nine-timeses -- things not seen and
      Unseen:

      * Tower of Art; closed for yearly exorcism and raven discipline
      * Dwarf Bread Museum; closed for seasonal battle bun maintenance
      * CMOT Dibbler; out of town "on business"
      * The Golem Trust; closed to the public due to financial issues --
      the issues being that Golems are now finance
      * Pork Futures Warehouse; temporarily closed due to temporal
      instability
      * UU Unreal Estate; closed because, apparently, no one can find it at
      the moment!
      * The Dysk; closed for renovations
      * Biers; closed for de-renovations
      * Mrs Cake's boarding house; no vacancies, no inspections, no reason
      given

      * Sunshine Sanctuary for Lost Dragons; closed to visitors when I got
      there because they were de-coking the pens, but as I was leaving I
      got a glimpse of a tall, auburn-haired lady who I'm sure was Lady
      Ramkin herself. I have to say she's much better-looking than people
      describe her as being. Also, she had a little boy with her, and he
      was wearing the *cutest* miniature set of dragon-handling armour!

      * Patrician's Palace; there's supposed to be a twice-weekly tour of
      parts of the Palace including the Oblong Office, but all I could find
      was a bored, surly guard who didn't know anything about Palace tours,
      and a big sign that read NO ICONOGRAPHS. FOR SECURITY REASONS. BY
      ORDER OF THE PATRICIAN. I was told not to ask about it, "because a
      spell in the dungeons may offend."

      Some of what I *have* seen, though, includes:

      * Goodmountain's Wee-Print; this is the print works that does The
      Times, and it's absolutely huge! They gave me a good rate on
      promotional iconographs, too.

      * The Post Office; gorgeous! It's been restored to its legendary
      splendour, all gleaming and glowing and crystal-chandeliered. It's
      also the main Clacks depot now. I had to go there to post some
      messages on a promise I made to Twoflower, and I also bought some
      Lancre commemorative stamps that smell enough like real scumble to
      make me homesick (couldn't really be scumble, of course, or the glue
      would have dissolved), but I ended up spending hours and hours just
      watching the Dance of the Queues and the glow of all that lovely
      polished wood, and marvelling at the way all the hustle-bustle of
      A-M can't be heard even in such a busy place. Excellent.

      * The Tump; very big, with lots of old ruins. Gives a good feel of
      how old A-M really is, more than any other place here. Any other
      place on the surface, at least...

      * Woo Hon Ling's Exotica and Martial Arts; Listeria sent me. No,
      really. It was...educational. Good leatherwear, too.

      * The Lady Sybil Free Hospital; also on behalf of Listeria. It's
      probably got the largest Igor population outside of Uberwald. It's
      also probably the cleanest building in A-M. Very impressive.

      * Various bridges, including the Disc-famous Brass Bridge, which no-
      one's stolen yet, and the Misbegot Bridge, which has so many houses
      on it that it's a wonder it doesn't collapse into the Ankh. Not that
      it would sink!

      * Dragon's Landing; this is the new commercial precinct. It's still
      being developed, or redeveloped, but already many shops and stalls
      are open for business. They say Dragon's Landing will overtake Sator
      Square as the main shopping district, but it's further out from city
      centre and even though the area isn't fully open, the cart jams were
      dreadful! We got out and walked. Otherwise we might still be there.

      * The Seamstresses' Guild; well, of course! And it's everything I
      imagined it would be. Mrs Palm wasn't there, though, because she's
      on holiday in Sto Lat, but I did get a gig.

      * The Mended Drum; for the beer. Also for the beer. See below.

      I haven't seen hide nor hair of His Grace Sir Samuel Vimes or any of
      the more famous Watchmen, so I must be living on the right side of
      the Law. But near Pseudopolis Yard I did see a small man being, um,
      escorted by two large Watchmen, all the while shouting and whimpering
      about how he'd stolen the Patrician's Device and sold a dozen missing
      Golems and tipped noxious chemicals in the Ankh (how could they
      tell?), so I imagine that must have been Done It Duncan. Oh, and I
      think I saw Gimlet one night when I went to Yo Rat! for a takeaway,
      and I've definitely seen a few little yellow men in orange robes,
      sweeping the streets here and there in unlikely places. Or maybe it's
      the same little yellow man. I guess one takes one's celebrities where
      one can find them...

      We've been staying at Listeria's, as she promised we could. She has a
      charming little house in Silver Street, not far from the
      Seamstresses' Guildhouse, where she lives with her niece Anaglypta
      and the "trustworthy young lady" whose name is Lucrezia and who
      hardly says a word but is always there at my elbow when I think I
      need something; she's quite normal-looking, even pretty in a quiet
      way, but I swear she has some Igor in her herrydeterryry. They're all
      lovely people, but I'm still sticking to my policy of not taking tea
      or meals there, so I've sampled a fair amount of the local cuisine
      including Harga's famous ribs and fake Klatchian curry from the
      Klatchian takeaway and less fake Klatchian curry from the Curry
      Gardens. I've even had smoked rat au jus, and a knuckle sandwich! And
      Slumpie and Distressed Pudding and other A-M dishes, which taste
      somewhat different from the ones we had at Twoflower's Barbarian Luck
      Restaurant..."different" being "awful, by comparison", but at least
      it's authentic and not poisonous, for a certain value of poisonous.

      One of the reasons A-M is even more disrupted than usual is what's
      known here as The Undertaking, which is some sort of municipal
      modernising project. Everywhere I go, things are being dug up or torn
      down or scaffolded or fenced off or signposted; there are roving
      teams of student wizards, checking for dangerous uncovered pockets of
      raw magic. And roving teams of archaeologists, checking for
      interesting middens (how can they tell?). And roving teams of
      Beggars, tramps and Thieves, checking the gawping distracted crowds
      for money and other valuables. Not to mention the roving teams of
      easily-spotted plainclothes Watchmen and roving teams of Watchmen in
      uniform and roving teams of Times reporters taking notes and speaking
      to Beings in the Street. The locals love it all, because it gives
      them something new and exciting to complain about. I want to come
      back here in, say, ten years or so; I suspect that many things will
      have changed beyond recognition, to judge from all the modernisation
      going on now!

      Ankh -- the name itself -- amuses me. Funny, isn't it, how the
      same name applies to the foulest river in creation and also to the
      poshes part of A-M. It's inspired me to write a song. I call it:

      ANKH-LIFE

      Octarine is a shade Unseen by the common mundanes
      In what is known as
      Ankh-life
      And Beggars' Smells can be avoided
      If you run like Hells straight through what is known as
      Ankh-life
      Join no dodgy group:
      You'll get incriminated by the Watch's gargoyles
      Won't have a bit of it -- Ankh-life
      Hey, that's Lord Rust marching!
      You should come down for some street life, mate
      Get inn-sewer-ants!

      ALL THE SPECIES, SO MANY SPECIES
      AND THEY ALL GO HAND IN PAW
      STONE IN CLAW THOUGH THEIR ANKH-LIFE...

      ...so I'm a Thief:
      I roll marks where I want, except in Lobsneaks
      Where I get rudely arrested by the Watchmen
      (Ankh-life)
      I put my brass knucks on, have a cup of tea
      And I think about robbing yer house (Ankh-life)
      I mark my 'pigeons'
      I sometimes hand out vouchers, too
      It gives me a sense of Guild-sanctioned wellbeing (Ankh-life)
      Then I pick pockets for the rest of the day
      Safe in the knowledge there will always be
      A knock on the heads for noted victims...

      ALL THE SPECIES, SO MANY SPECIES
      AND THEY ALL GO HAND IN PAW
      STONE IN CLAW THOUGH THEIR ANKH-LIFE...

      Ankh-life (Ankh-life)
      Ankh-life (Ankh-life)

      It's got nothing to do with Igor lurch-step chic, you know
      And it's not about Dwarf cellars that go
      Down and down and down and...
      Ankh-life (Ankh-life)

      ALL THE SPECIES, SO MANY SPECIES
      AND THEY ALL GO HAND IN PAW
      STONE IN CLAW THOUGH THEIR ANKH-LIFE...
      ALL THE SPECIES, SO MANY SPECIES
      AND THEY ALL GO HAND IN PAW
      STONE IN CLAW THOUGH THEIR ANKH-LIFE...

      I sang this in the Mended Drum. And then there was beer. Lots of
      beer.

      And then there was more beer.

      Here endeth this post.

      ***

      Second Clog: "Over, under, sideways, and especially, down..."

      All in all, A-M has been a bit of a disappointment so far. But there
      are compensations, see, because I was taken to Morpork Below.

      Morpork Below is never where you expect it to be; in fact, it can't
      be found at all unless it wants you to find it. Some people say it
      was created during excavations for the Undertaking; some say it was
      awakened when accidentally uncovered; some say it's been there all
      the time, and most people say it's not actually there at all. I
      suspect all of them are right. You see, not everyone can find Morpork
      Below; you have to be a little bit, well, different to see and be
      seen by the *other* Morpork.

      Luckily, I was. Am. It's said that Bards and others of artistic
      persuasions live with one foot in the Netherworld and one foot on
      Cori Celesti (this is, naturally, one of those mettyfors, because I
      shudder to think how uncomfortable I'd be if it were literal!), and
      that's as may be; all I know is that, weaving my way home from the
      Drum one night, I came across a scruffy injured dwarf in an alleyway
      and bought him a hot rat and then took him home to fix up his wounds.
      He told me that his name was Portal and that he had to "go back down,
      or all is lost." Of course he had to go back down, I said, because
      dwarfs are underground dwellers, and what kind of name for a dwarf
      was Portal anyhow? But he'd asked for help and I was intrigued
      because his armour looked like no dwarf armour I'd ever seen, and
      even though he said I had to help him stop a war I followed him back
      to the edge of the Shades. Where he promptly disappeared. Leaving me
      alone in the Shades...but then I suddenly saw a entranceway that
      hadn't been there a minute ago, all glowing with a sort of eldritch
      light (oblong, too, as it happens), so I abandoned caution to the
      winds -- which are very smelly winds in this part of town -- and went
      in. And found a whole other world!

      ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

      -------------------------------------------------------------------------
      End of Part 3, continued on Part 4 of 4.
      If you did not get all four parts, write: interact@...
      -------------------------------------------------------------------------
      Copyright (c) 2008 by Klatchian Foreign Legion
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