Loading ...
Sorry, an error occurred while loading the content.


Expand Messages
  • Not A Granny
    WOSSNAME -- MAY 2008 -- PART 4 OF 5 (continued) ... oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo ====Part 4 -- QUIZ, WEIRD ALICE, AND HOROSCOPE 29)
    Message 1 of 1 , May 31, 2008
      WOSSNAME -- MAY 2008 -- PART 4 OF 5 (continued)





      1. Who built the original prototype of HEX?

      a. Ponder Stibbons
      b. Tez the Terrible
      c. Skazz
      d. Big Mad Adrian

      2. What is Princess Keli's full first name?

      a. Kelirehanna
      b. Kelirehenna
      c. Kelikylie
      d. Kelihontas

      3. What was the flavour of Mr Bent's terrifying custard?

      a. Papaya
      b. Vanilla
      c. Banana
      d. Pineapple

      4. What did Madam fear her cat might be allergic to?

      a. Lord Winder
      b. Diamonds
      c. Molluscs
      d. Ginger beer

      5. What happened to the Lancre Morris Men's accordion player?

      a. He exploded
      b. He was taken off by the Queen of the Elves
      c. He was killed by Lord Lankin
      d. He couldn't stop playing

      6. What were the favoured weapons of the Sto Plains Riflers?

      a. Pliers and pitchforks
      b. Pliers and armoured shoehorns
      c. Pliers and boot buffers
      d. Pliers and cushioned truncheons

      7. Which of the following are all Trollish street drugs?

      a. Slab, Slunkie and Slip
      b. Slice, Slide and Slash
      c. Slab, Slide and Scrape
      d. Slide, Slurp and Scratch

      (Answers in next month's issue)



      We have received a clacks to the effect that Weird Alice is far too
      busy in Ankh-Morpork to update her Clacks Log at the moment. However,
      she sent us a song that -- she says -- is all the rage there right
      now. So gather at your nearest stadium, get your air guitars ready,
      and get your candles out...


      I've paid Guild dues
      Time after time
      I've hung o'er scorpions
      But committed no mime
      And rats on sticks - I ate a few
      I've had my fears of Sam Vimes on my case
      And Havelock too
      (Ankh is gonna flow on and on like Foul Ole Ron)

      We are Morporkians, my friend
      And we'll own your helmets in the end
      We are Morporkians, we are Morporkians
      Wild times amuse us
      Cos we are Morporkians...
      ...of Discworld.

      I've drunk and caroused
      And won certain brawls
      I've had my share of Gods and dragons
      And things Turnwise and Widdershins
      Beggars to balls
      But it's been no bed at Rosie's
      No Unseen U
      I'll consider Sybil's salad before the unwholesome taste
      Of BCBs and stoo
      (Ankh is gonna ooze on and on like Foul Ole Ron)

      We are Morporkians, my friend
      And we'll own your culture in the end
      We are Morporkians, we are Morporkians
      You can't refuse us
      Cos we are Morporkians...
      ...of Discworld

      ...we're Morporkians, old chum
      And we'll go on drinking in the Drum
      We are Morporkians, cool ones and dorky 'uns
      Nurr nurr nurr nurr nurr
      Cos we are Morporkians...

      -- Alice

      Note for Roundworlders: in case there's someone, living on a
      mountaintop somewhere, who doesn't actually know the words to
      Queen's We Are the Champions, original lyrics can be found at:




      by Fernando Magnifico

      Buongiorno my friends, it is I, Fernando! The Lady Asterisk is
      indisposed this month, because she has sprained her pinafore when
      oiling her orrery. But do not be afraid, for Fernando is here to
      shoulder the great burden of being your astrologer for today. And
      such a burden it is, for the people of Ankh-Morpork have taken
      Fernando to their bosoms, and he has been in much demand to provide
      private services for his readers. The personal horoscopes Fernando
      writes are the most very excellent, as these testimonials say to me:

      "Ever since your horoscope advised me to be suspicious of the honesty
      of Certain Persons, the number of rejected applicants for my modest
      premises has gone up and the table manners of my remaining boarders
      have improved greatly. Thank you, Fernando." -- E. Arcanum (Mrs),
      Proprietress, Arcanum's Lodging House (only Clean and Decent may

      "Being a believer in modern Thienthe, I doubted that your horothcope
      would be of much uthe to me in my work, but by following your
      advithe, I have improved my lightning thrike predictionth by forty
      perthent. Thank you, Thir." -- Igor, Pseudopolis Yard

      "I was saved from great financial disaster by Fernando's horoscope,
      which recommended against new business dealings. Needless to say,
      after I tasted one of the entrepreneur in question's sausages-inna-
      bun, I was glad I had not purchased the franchise! Thank you
      Fernando." -- A. Merchant, Scoone Avenue

      Last month, two of the heavenly star signs changed, and this month,
      there is one more change to happen. Fernando will tell you more about
      this, but first, Fernando is very excited to tell you that this month
      the stars all speak about clothing! Fernando knows that clothing is
      very important, and that the cut of a lady's fichu or a man's bodkin
      says more about them than mille dolce paroli, or "a thousand words"
      as they say here in Ankh-Morpork. And so, Fernando has asked the
      stars to guide him on this molto importante subject, so that he may
      guide you, my readers, in your fashion choices. Look to the stars,
      and look to your wardrobes, and the rest will take care of itself as
      Fernando takes care of his beloved velvet pantaloons. Ciao bella!


      The Adamant Hedgehog 21 Mar - 20 Apr

      For Hoggers, your item of clothing is the pantaloon. In these
      exciting modern times, some ladies are experimenting with the wearing
      of pantaloons, but Fernando prefers the mystery of skirts, for who
      knows what they might hide from the eyes of the easily excited?
      Ladies, if you must wear the pantaloons, choose the vast flowing ones
      of the Aurient, and still you will be mysterious. Gentlemens Hoggers
      may choose from a wide range of fabrics, from the fine silk of Agatea
      to the so sturdy broadcloth of Zlobenia. For those special occasions
      for both mens and ladies, the Street of Cunning Artificers offers a
      range of interesting leather and rubber pantaloons. Fernando approves
      of this.


      The Half-Eaten Sandwich 21 Apr - 21 May
      (formerly Gahoolie, the Vase of Tulips)

      This is a good month for Munchers to let their fantastical side
      free, for the stars say that you should put tastefulness aside and
      wear the brash, colourful clothes instead. Fernando can suggest
      casual travel shirts from Bes Pelargic, gold suits like the one worn
      by the Postmaster General, or for the ladies, pink lace skirts
      decorated with embroidered smiling cats. Which reminds Fernando,
      sometime he must tell you about his young-manful experiences as a cat
      herder on the high desert plains of Brindisi. Such fierce pussies
      Fernando has never seen before or since, caramba!


      Herne the Hunted 22 May - 21 Jun

      Hernians should wear the useful working-class undershirt of XXXX, the
      singlet, sometimes known as "dwarf-beaters" from their popularness
      among certain troll gangs. Fernando does not wear the singlet because
      it would hide his magnificent collection of medallions, but he
      understands from his cousins that there is nothing more attractive to
      the senoritas than a manly man wearing a singlet. Although when
      Fernando asked his sister Rosita about this, she only laughed.


      The Wizard's Staff and Knob 22 Jun - 22 Jul

      This month, Staffies must investigate the wonderful world of
      footwear. Shoes, sandals, the dhing-dhongs of Bhangbhangduc, the
      boots of kinky, the boots that are made for walking, even the Disc-
      famous glass slippers of Genua. The wealthy among you should
      investigate the bellissima shoes of Brindisian bootmaker Manunu
      Blanchi; he is bootmaker to the stars, so let the stars choose your
      bootmaker. Seven league boots are also risky. Fernando tried them
      once, and had to wait weeks before he could properly admire the
      ladies again.


      Bilious, God of Hangovers 23 Jul - 23 Aug

      If you are a Bilian, this month your item of clothing is the skirt.
      Gentlemen Bilians may prefer to wear the traditional Feegle man-
      skirt, the kilt as it is called. Ladies of an adventurous nature, and
      Fernando loves the ladies of adventurous nature, might try the new
      fashion craze from couturier Minnie of Chirm, known as the Minnie
      skirt; but only on days when it is not too windy. Lady Golems should
      wear gingham, and man Golems should wear the man-skirt of the BeTrobi
      Islands, because sometimes sarong is so right. Fernando must warn you
      though, the best skirts for the Bilians are those that resist stains
      and are easily washed.


      The Celestial Parsnip 24 Aug - 23 Sept
      (formerly Mubbo the Hyena)

      Snippies, your clothing feature this month is coats. They say you can
      tell a person's true quality by the quality of their coat, and the
      stars agree that They are right. Choose your coat carefully: it
      should be a thing of great beauty, like Fernando, and also hard-
      wearing and long-lasting, like Fernando. A good coat, like a good
      pair of hundred-dollar boots, can last a lifetime, or at least until
      the capricciosos of fashion say that it is fashionable once again.
      Fernando once bought his sainted Auntie Maria a full-length coat made
      of vermine, at great expense naturally. It was far too warm for the
      lovely Brindisian weather, but she wore it everywhere, and Fernando
      can tell you that coat earned him a lot of free gnocchi.


      End of Part 4, continued on Part 5 of 5.
      If you did not get all five parts, write: interact@...
      Copyright (c) 2008 by Klatchian Foreign Legion
    Your message has been successfully submitted and would be delivered to recipients shortly.