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WOSSNAME - APRIL 2008 - PART 4 OF 5

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  • Not A Granny
    WOSSNAME - APRIL 2008 -- PART 4 OF 5 (continued) ... oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo ====Part 4 -- MORE WEIRD ALICE, AND HOROSCOPE 22) THE
    Message 1 of 1 , Apr 27 6:20 PM
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      WOSSNAME - APRIL 2008 -- PART 4 OF 5 (continued)
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      oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

      ====Part 4 -- MORE WEIRD ALICE, AND HOROSCOPE

      22) THE CLACKS LOG OF WEIRD ALICE LANCREVIC, CONTINUED
      23) YOUR MONTHLY DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE: NEW STARS!

      oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

      22) WEIRD ALICE, CONTINUED...

      Back in the main tent, there was a stir when two of the most famous
      Thudmeisters, Haakon Hammerslinger and Big Topaz, arrived to watch
      the round. There were cheers from the main supporters' groups -- the
      Shaftproppers, as they're known, and the Luglarrs -- and did I
      mention the friendly insults? It's amazing to see and hear dwarfs and
      trolls cheerfully throwing around epithets at each other, the sort
      that any one of once could have started a full-scale species war, and
      doing it with affectionate grins (hard to see through the dwarf
      beards, but there's no mistaking the flash of a full set of diamond
      troll teeth). Haakon had a club taller than he was, Topaz was wearing
      a dwarf battle-axe on a chain around his, well, where his neck would
      be if he had one, and they were buying each other rounds and
      encouraging the players in very strong language indeed. Priceless.

      ***

      I ended up doing a gig last night after all. But not at the inn -- at
      the tournament! I'd somehow got to talking with Haakon, and it turned
      out that some of the players recognised me from that beery night at
      the mine propping convention in Burnt Hedge and others recognised me
      from that wild night in DownTown, so I got introduced to everybeing
      who was anybeing there and later in the evening I sang for hours and
      then backed Haakon and Topaz as they sang a memorable duet I'd helped
      them write:

      HAAKON:
      Me with the dwarf bread, kickin' ev'ry troll's head
      Axe swingin' high and a whole lotta street cred
      Wave your axe if you do follow Tak
      Are we digging? - dwarfs, they can!
      I throw (dwarfs!)
      You shove (trolls!)
      Mister Shine, him diamond
      I've got the Kruk, gonna show a lot o' hole
      Say, "Mister Shine, him diamond!"

      I'm a knee-level shyster, just call me Thudmeister
      Ev'ry move, ev'ry play
      King Rhys, can you hear me?
      Wukwuk "rocks", do you fear me?
      I feel lucky today

      *I don't wanna "rock" melee
      But I'm such a success at Thud
      It ain't gonna stop today
      I'm a dwarf and I'm out for blood!*

      TOPAZ:
      Shakin' down a rockface, groovin' like a Slab case
      Ice-cold head, just call me "hard place"
      Got a coolin' helmet, I'll be nicely bright
      So when I block the flight
      Me box you tight (Right!)
      You can't think tough? Then you're with the wrong side
      See, Koom is just a valley
      If you can't make a shove but your best trolls tried
      Say, "Koom is just a valley!"

      I'm der champion species, capturin' pieces
      My Gahanka is loud
      Kzad-bhat, can you hear me
      Diamond King, are you near me
      See me doin' you proud

      *I don't wanna Kruk doomsday
      But you makin' me raise der fuss
      You can say "Gr'duzk" all day
      But your piece all belong to us!*

      TOPAZ AND THE LUGLARRS:
      Thud play ain't simple --
      Some shortarse wimp'll sneak up and smite

      HAAKON AND THE SHAFTPROPPERS:
      Thud rules ain't simple
      But when you're feelin' it, feelin' it, feelin' it

      ALL:
      Play all night!

      (lots of lute breaks here)

      TROLLS:
      *I don't wanna "rock" melee
      But I'm such a success at Thud
      It ain't gonna stop today
      I'm a dwarf and I'm out for blood!*

      DWARFS:
      *I don't wanna Kruk doomsday
      But you makin' me raise der fuss
      You can say "Gr'duzk" all day
      But your piece all belong to us!*

      ...and so on. And as we finally ground and thumped and twanged to a
      stop:


      TOPAZ: "AaDb'thuk?"

      HAAKON: "Ggroohauga!"

      ALL: "T'dr'duzk b'hzg t't!!!"


      ***

      And then there was beer.

      ***

      Tomorrow, Ankh-Morpork. I've already done the world...


      -- Alice


      Note for Roundworlders: the original lyrics for Rock DJ can be found
      at:
      http://www.lyricsfreak.com/r/robbie+williams/rock+dj_20116791.html

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      23) THE NEW DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE

      by Fernando Magnifico

      Buongiorno my friends, it is I, Fernando! The Lady Asterisk is
      indisposed this month, because a swarm of bees have moved into her
      hair. But do not worry, for I will be your astrologer today.

      Last month, I announced that the star signs will be changing! The
      next few months will be exciting times. The times, they are always
      exciting for Fernando, but now they will be exciting for everybody
      else as well. Fernando will tell you more about that later, but
      first, Fernando is very excited that he has received a letter from
      one of his readers. Fernando is used to people coming up to him in
      the street to ask him questions (often that question is "Hey mister,
      can you spare a few pennies?" or "Are you interested in learning the
      good news about Om?") but this is his first letter from a reader.

      Mrs W. from Unseen University writes:

      "Dear Mister Magnifico,

      Ai am your greatest fan and love to read your horoscopes and to learn
      more about you. Ai hwork as house-cleaner to many fine gentlemen of a
      hwizardly persuasion, and would never hear a word said hagainst them,
      but sometimes they vex me so with their bad habits and lack of
      grooming. How can Ai convince them to take better care of their
      happearance like you do?"

      Fernando believes that it is his duty to always look magnificent for
      the ladies and the gentlemen who look at him. Fortunately, this is
      not difficult for Fernando! But even so, it takes Fernando many hours
      every day to look as good as he does, and many many men are not
      willing to put in that much hard work. But Fernando will teach you a
      secret that was taught to him by his dear older sister Rosita.
      "Fernando," she said, "if you want a man to pay more attention to
      himself, start by complimenting him on whatever you want them to
      fix." (But of course she said that in Brindisian, in which it sounds
      much more beautiful, like Rosita herself). So if you want your
      employers to groom their beards, or at least remove the crumbs and
      food scraps from them, you should compliment them on what manly,
      thick beards they have, and how magnificent they would look with the
      occasional combing. Fernando does not grow his beard, but he brushes
      his hair twice a day, to remove the knots and also the small biting
      animals that Ankh-Morpork has in such abundance.

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      The Adamant Hedgehog 21 Mar - 20 Apr

      If you are a Hogger, the stars say that this is a good month for
      building an Empire. Fernando is a man of peace, but he remembers
      sitting at his grandfather's knees and listing to the stirring tales
      of ancient Brindisi, when men like the Emperor Julius Aurelius Ramone
      Cannelloni III carved out an empire reaching to the mountains of
      Uberwald and the famous ports of Ghat. If you too have an army of ten
      million men, you can also conquer the surrounding cities and tribes
      and become Emperor. Just don't let the Patrician find out about your
      plans.

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      The Half-Eaten Sandwich 21 Apr - 21 May
      (formerly Gahoolie, the Vase of Tulips)

      This is the first of the signs which are changing this month. Those
      of you formerly known as Gahooligans will find the next few weeks
      will be a time of change as you leave the influence of Gahoolie while
      coming under the influence of the Half-Eaten Sandwich. How fortunate
      for you Munchers, as you are now known, that this month both signs
      agree in their influence: Cobblers! For the first half of the month,
      the stars favour a career as a cobbler, shoe-maker or booterer. This
      is good news for Munchers who are already shoe-makers, like
      Fernando's uncle Giovanni, but for those who aren't, just wait and
      towards the end of the month the Half-Eaten Sandwich's influence will
      take over and you will find yourself having cravings for cobblers:
      apple cobblers, peach cobblers, and if you are a lady who is making
      the little bambinos, bacon and Wahoonie cobblers.

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      Herne the Hunted 22 May - 21 Jun

      For Hernians, the stars reveal this month that it is a good time to
      further your education. Perhaps you would like to learn another
      language, like Fernando whose tongue is very talented and speaks many
      languages fluently? Or you wish to learn the natural philosophy? When
      Fernando was a young man, still innocent to the ways of the world, he
      would go on long walks through the countryside with Sophia the
      baker's daughter, and we would pick flowers and study the birds and
      the bees and the natural philosophy. Or perhaps you want to study the
      stars at the feet of the Lady Asterisk, as Fernando has done? Or even
      become the expert on heraldry, and help the Dragon King of Arms with
      his project to rebuild the city's records after the fire some years
      ago. All these things you can do this month. The stars have spoken!

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      The Wizard's Staff and Knob 22 Jun - 22 Jul

      For Staffies, this month the stars predict the crash of bricks,
      clouds of cement dust and the squelch of mortar being slapped with a
      trowel: this is a good month for bricklayers. For the next few weeks,
      the stars say you should not fear dropping a load of bricks on your
      foot, or having a bag of cement burst next to you, or having your
      apprentice drop your lunch into the mortar, or the mortar into your
      lunch. Carry your hod with pride, for the stars smile upon you.

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      Bilious, God of Hangovers 23 Jul - 23 Aug

      This month, the stars say that this is a good time for those born
      under Bilious to become a henchman or henchwoman. There is no
      shortage of Dark Lords, crime bosses, mad doctors who can't get the
      Igor, fanatical priests and mothers of would-be prima ballerinas who
      need a henchman or ten to do their dirty work. Somebody has to do it,
      and no self-respecting Dark Lord would be caught dead dragging the
      Hero to a horrible death in his dungeons himself if he can afford to
      have a minion do so.

      (If you are looking for a boss, Fernando knows a man who knows a man
      who knows a dwarf who knows a man who can put you in touch with the
      barber who cuts the hair of the brother of the capo of the Purple
      Hand society.)

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      The Celestial Parsnip 24 Aug - 23 Sept
      (formerly Mubbo the Hyena)

      The Parsnip has returned! Long ago, deep in the mists of time [it was
      actually a little more than four years ago -- Ed.], the Celestial
      Parsnip ruled the horoscopes of those who today are under the sign of
      Hoki the Jokester. But Great A'Tuin moves, and the Parsnip gave way
      as Hoki the Jokester moved into its place. Great A'Tuin continues to
      swim through the icy depths of space, and the Parsnip has come back
      into position -- but four signs earlier in the year, ruling over
      those who used to be ruled by Mubbo. Confused? Do not fear, for
      Fernando has checked his sums, and if you were a Mubboon, now you are
      a Snippy!

      (Fernando sneers at Roundworld astrologers, who pay no attention to
      the change of position of the stars as their world moves. Fernando
      does not approve of such sloppiness, and is sure that no good will
      come from it.)

      The parsnip is a humorous vegetable, the punchline of many jokes
      which Fernando is much too polite to repeat, and many a quiet
      bachelor or spinster has been known to purchase more parsnips than
      any stew-for-one could possibly contain. As a Snippy, formerly a
      Mubboon, you may find unfamiliar thoughts and feelings, and may
      entertain certain private speculations about parsnips and perhaps
      even other root vegetables. Do not be concerned! Fernando can tell
      you, these thoughts and feelings are only natural, especially in
      Spring, for the Celestial Parsnip rules the glands, especially the
      glands concerned with the romance.

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct

      Last month, the stars were cruel to Boring'uns, and predicted the
      exciting career as a technomage. If you have managed to avoid being
      transported into the Dungeon Dimensions or the Wrong Trousers of
      Time, Fernando has good news for you! For the stars this month are
      kind and considerate, like Fernando himself, and favour a career as
      junior clerk, third grade, where the most exciting thing that you can
      expect is to catalogue the catalogues. And if the Lady smiles upon
      you, you can look forward to many years of being overlooked for
      promotions.

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      Androgyna Majestis 24 Oct - 22 Nov

      Fernando is saddened that many people can never be more than a pale
      shadow of his magnificence. Fernando, as well as being humble, is
      compassionate towards those who suffer under the burden of not being
      Fernando. This month, Fernando also feels compassion for Andies, for
      the stars will not be kind. Andies can expect a month of stubbed
      toes, spilt milk, sausages-inna-bun from Mr C.M.O.T. Dibbler, Feegles
      in the drinks cabinet, and visits from Omnians bearing pamphlets. But
      do not worry, for this too shall come to pass, and you can comfort
      yourself with the thought that at this difficult time Fernando sends
      his sympathy.

      ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

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      End of Part 4, continued on Part 5 of 5.
      If you did not get all five parts, write: interact@...
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      Copyright (c) 2008 by Klatchian Foreign Legion
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