WOSSNAME - APRIL 2008 - PART 3 OF 5
- WOSSNAME - APRIL 2008 -- PART 3 OF 5 (continued)
====Part 3 -- MORE WEIRD ALICE
21) THE CLACKS LOG OF WEIRD ALICE LANCREVIC, CONTINUED
21) WEIRD ALICE, CONTINUED...C-MAILS AND THUD
My dear girl, I hope this finds you in good health and good voice. I
had a simply fascinating time in Genua. How the days flew by! So many
exquisite poisons, so little time. But as I promised, I have "made
it" to Ankh-Morpork and all is well. My cousin made good on her
promise of lodgings, and thanks to my dear niece Anaglypta I have a
trustworthy young lady to help me with my little items of specialised
shopping. So very much to do, my days are quite full and I'm quite
the "busy bee", as they say. I have a small teaching position at that
ancient institution of learning, the Assassins' Guild, and another
part-time position teaching at that institution of ancient learning,
the Seamstresses' Guild. I seem to be ever so popular with the young
men and young ladies of both! Who would have ever thought they would
have so much interest in a maiden lady of the "old school", eh? I
seem to have stumbled upon a little "side line" as well, making
potions for some of my young charges. I do hope your young man won't
Do drop by when your travels take you here, as I know Ankh-Morpork is
on your itinerary. I look forward to having another "warble" with
you, my dear, and I am sure you and I have much to talk about. Oh,
and if you happen across any samples of Krullian Nightshade or
Widow's Friend, please do drop me a line. This may be the Disc's
leading centre of commerce, but some essentials are in mysteriously
All the best, your friend,
Listeria Curtsey (Miss)
...and one from Elena:
Darling Aliyushka -- or should I perhaps say dahlink Alice? -- for I
do not think you recognise me without the accent! But yes, it is I,
Elena Lassinova, still alive and still on the run. My family have
unowned me with the greater vigour, so now I stay with yennork
underground and with others sympathetic to my cause. The cause I am
hoping did not give you too much of inconvenience when the villagers
with their pitchforks and the reactionaries among my race arrived,
yes? I believe in having the choices when it comes to females and the
bodies, and I am thinking you do also. I am sending many rousing
pamphlets to the young of werekind, also with the slogans, "Raise
your paw for free choice!" and "Litter-sisters, you are more than
just a puppy farm!", and hoping of success even though some say I am
just the uppity bitch.
I miss you and am thinking with fondnesses of our happy times
together. If you reply to me at this Clacks office, someone will
forward to me the message. But I must go now. I can smell the scent
of burning pitch coming nearer. Take care, Aliyushka, and thank you
for the biscuits.
Elena x x x
...and some fascinating news from Mr Kakhand and Semolina back home:
Hello Alice, I hope you're keeping well. Your harp is untouched in
the storeroom of the Loser. Much activity here in Lost Wages since
you left, I think your songbooks and your famous Clacks log have
something to do with that, a lot of people are asking for you and I
don't think you owe any of them money. Maybe when you get back you
still wouldn't mind taking a booking or two for old times sake. I've
refurbished the inn and several other things of interest happened,
but not that interesting really. Well, that's about all, I'm not much
for writing things down apart from bulk beer orders.
Alice sweetheart, Papa probably hasn't told you because he's not much
for writing things down apart from bulk beer orders, but LW is
absolutely hopping now! That's right, LW is returning to its former
glory, and Papa has a piece of the action! He's reopened the old
casino across from the Loser and it's like a licence to mint pennies.
Not that I'm lacking in pennies these days, life at the Seamstresses'
Guild suits me just fine. I think Papa is a bit cross because I
hardly ever have time to help him behind the bar now, but really,
having a Guild house here is a lot of the reason why customers are
flocking in. As I told him, after they come to me and come they come
to him. I don't think he gets the joke, but we're all girls together
so I know you do. Oh, and he's grumbling about me not getting married
and making babies, it's always "but who will take over the Loser
after I'm gone?" Not that I wanted to anyhow. What I have my eye on
now is the top job, one day I want to be "Mrs K" and I don't need a
husband for that kind of Mrs! But for all Papa grumbling, he misses
you lots. Don't forget to C-mail us when you're coming back, the
girls and I will throw you the best party ever! Hope you're having
fun and meeting lots of juicy lads. Best wishes, dearie! p.s. how
good is my C-name? "Odalisque" is Quirmish, I think, or maybe
Brindisian, but it doesn't half sound exotic, beats Semolina the
Barmaid hands down!
...and a very surprising one from, of all people, Rudney Urch. For an
obnoxious 14-year-old nerd we gave to the Litigian bandits as a
slave, he's been rather enterprising:
The Urch is back! Haha. I bet you thought you'd never hear from me
again? Well, you were wrong! I am now an INTERNATIONAL SOURCE OF
INFORMATION ON ALL THINGS and I am AWESOME. Not even 16 yet and a
TYCOON! You might want to check out the Ask Rudney network. I might
even give you a discount, haha again.
So how, do you ask (and it won't even cost you), did I escape from
the bandits when you lot voted to leave me with them? Well, I didn't.
I walked away a free Urch. After I taught them about the campaigns of
Tacticus and the Brindisian hill clans' tribute system and how to
build better weaponry, they were so successful that King Hans offered
to adopt me as his heir! But I decided to make my own way in the
world so I took a bag of gold instead (I learned some things myself,
as a bandit slave) and went to A-M and contacted Carlton/Winton/Emery
(the GNU) and we worked out a new way to speed-clacks packets of
information and now I am RICH. So all that time I spent indoors with
my nose in a book made me ALL WIN, haha.
Anyway, no hard feelings, haha, and I even hope you're having a good
time and haven't done anything stupid like getting captured by
pirates or getting lost on the Counterweight Continent! If you are
ever in A-M look me up. I'm the first big mansion on the left in
Scoone Avenue. And remember, ASK RUDNEY!
...while Mr Num, unsurprisingly, hasn't changed much at all:
Sister Alice, I hope this message finds you hale and whole and that
you have opened your heart to the Word of Om. After many travails
among the heathens of Circadia who heeded me not and were as the
harsh grains of desert sand beneath the tender hooves of blessed St
Bobby, I have moved on to carry on my ministry in the holy land of
Omnia itself. For I was sore vexed with the unheeding, and as Holy
Ossory himself said, "Woe unto him who raises his hand unto his
brother, dealing with him as unto an Infidel" (Ossory, Precepts XI,
verse 16), and though indeed we be all brothers I found great
Here in Omnia there are many confusing interpretations of the Word of
Om. But yea, it is not for me to judge, for that is the province of
Om :"We are judged in life as we are in death" (Ossory III, chapter
VI, verse 56). So I shall continue, even unto death when I shall be
Yours in the Word,
...and not forgetting the Verdants -- Lothar, Tessica, Athelred and
Rumbustia -- who sound as if they're getting on well down in Genua:
Greetings, Mlle Lancrevic! Life in Genua has been kind to our little
enterprise... yes, we are doing very well for ourselves... expanded
our little haberdashery shop & Tess has gone into the fashion
business...our Zom-B-Cool line of casual wear for the modern Genuan
is all the rage... Athelred is doing well for himself, may well be
marrying into the local gentry... this climate encourages one to let
down one's hair and unbutton one's collar, but there is far too much
to do.. if you are interested in our new spring catalogue, let me
know by return mail, it is a bargain at AM$1 plus postage... yours
Lothar and Tessica Verdant, proprietors
Hey babe, you OK these days? I bet you want to hear all about me.
I've got my foot well under the table here. Ella, that's the
Baroness, has a smashing circle of friends. I'm getting a lion's
share of posh nookie, no surprise there really. Sling me a line and
we'll do lunch. Got to fly now, more admirers, you know how it is,
'k? Ta-ta for now.
Hiya Hot Licks! What goes? I guess you know by now that I'm a fully
qualified lady of the night, and what with brother dearest bunging
all that gentrified trade my way, I'm often as not a lady of the
knight too. Know what I like about Genua? All these hot men, and I
get paid for it! What's not to like? I heard you got captured by
pirates -- come on, you can tell me, were they sexy ones? Did they
ravish you? Nothing like a good ravish to get the blood flowing --
and did you ever make it to Agatea? I hear those Auriental men can do
things our men don't even know how to dream of. Oh, and Genua has
some hot ladies too, and the other night there was this booking that
-- well, I don't know if I can tell you because the Clacks lines
might catch fire if I did! And to think I'd always been told that
being a Seamstress was hard work. Maybe other girls don't have their
minds at the right level, hey?
Don't forget to write and make it juicy! That's all for now, I've got
some leather and chains to oil and Mrs LeClerc wants to go over my
roster to see if there's any customers I can give away to the other
girls because I'm getting the most work. Oh well, it can't *all* be
fun and games.
Miss you much,
So our original party of nine have seen some interesting times,
that's for sure. When I answer these, I think I'll skip over the
whole lived-and-died-in-another-world thing and just stick with the
p[arts of my travels that were less...complicated.
Suppertime soon. There's music on at the inn tonight and I've been
asked to do a turn, but I don't think I'm quite ready to go back to
Barding just yet. It's...complicated.
Here endeth this post.
Second Clog: "As I walk though the Valley..."
Went to the Thud tournament yesterday. Amazing stuff. No so much the
game itself, which seems to be a cross between a sort of chess with
extra added violence and the old standbys Cities at War and I'm
Tacticus, but the players...! Growing up in the mountains as I did, I
never thought I'd see the day when dwarfs and trolls would gather
together non-violently under one roof (or in this case, one marquee
tent in the city square), or ever hear dwarfs speaking Trollish and
trolls speaking Dwarfish. And so many players. There were dozens of
tables -- it was an early allcomers' round -- manned, or I suppose,
personned or beinged by all the major two-legged species, even a
couple of gnolls...there were trolls and vampires swapping sunscreen
recipes -- lots of handshakings without axes or clubs
involved...simply amazing. Things have truly changed since the
revelation of the Secret of Koom Valley, and it makes this mountain
girl proud to see it happening in her own lifetime...
There was also beer, naturally. Lots of beer. Dwarf beer and troll
beer and Pseudopolitan beer and imported genuine Ankh-water beer and
even faux Blutwein for the Black Ribboners. But -- another surprise
-- the players were only drinking sparingly, to keep their wits sharp
I imagine. So plenty of "battles" but no fights, no belligerent
singing of contentious anthems, no thrown axes...hey, I remember some
"friendly" games of I'm Tacticus back at the Sore Loser that were far
less civilised ("friendly" meaning "more insults with every round of
drinks consumed"), ending in punch-ups and wrecked furniture, and
those players were nearly all from the same species! Not to mention
some games of Cripple Mr Onion where the crippling part got taken
rather literally. Mind you, there was plenty of competitive spirit in
the Thud tournament itself. The audience, supporters and insolent
bystanders, did go for some rowdier egging-on, but the organisers had
the sense to station armed dwarfs and trolls around the perimeter so
nothing got out of hand. I bought a t-shirt (KOOM VALLEY ANNUAL
TOURNEY: EVERYTHING BUT THE BLOOD) from a trollish trader called
Shave-Me-Own-Lichen-Off Dolomite, and stuck around for a few hours
just watching. Thud is a slow game! But a group behind the main tent
were playing Speed Thud, so I did get to see a few complete matches.
Real Thudmeisters and other serious players don't think much of Speed
Thud because they say it's for poseurs and lacks elegance; there was
more quaffing and less silence though, so it makes for a better
End of Part 3, continued on Part 4 of 5.
If you did not get all five parts, write: interact@...
Copyright (c) 2008 by Klatchian Foreign Legion
- WOSSNAME -- MAY 2008 -- PART 3 OF 5 (continued)
====Part 3 - ...AND MORE...AND AROUND THE BU CAMPUS
25) ANOTHER UNAUTHORISED BOOK ABOUT DISCWORLD
26) AROUND THE BU CAMPUS
27) HOW NOT TO GROK DISCWORLD
28) NOT QUITE THE END
25) EEK! ANOTHER UNAUTHORISED BOOK ABOUT DISCWORLD
The Turtle Moves! Discworld's Story Unauthorized:
"The Turtle Moves! will be out in August from BenBella Books, by the
way. It's a sort of reader's guide to Terry Pratchett's long-running
[It's a meme, I tells ya! -- Ed.]
26) AROUND THE BU CAMPUS
1. SUITABLE FOR CHILDREN
The Rear View column this week was written by Deborah Hope who opined
that children these days would be better behaved if their parents read
to them as she did to her own sons. She gives examples of books
including "Terry Pratchett's trilogy for younger readers, 'Truckers,
Diggers and Wings'(the boys would go on to read the two dozen or so
Discworld series titles numerous times)."
[Hope, Deborah. "A read can put things right." The Weekend Australian
Review Section 26 Apr 2008, p. 40.]
-- New Bruce
2. THE GLOOPER IN ROUNDWORLD
Engineer/economist Bill Phillips, a New Zealand native, built a
machine to model the British economy in 1949. Although it was high-
tech for its time, today the Phillips Machine seems a little nutty.
What's odd about the machine is that it used water power
hydraulics to model the flow of money through the British
3. WHAT'S IN A (DISCWORLD) NAME
I don't want to make light of the crisis in Myanmar but I did smile
when I heard on the news that the UN was bringing in supplies from
You can help here -- http://www.careaustralia.org.au/
-- New Bruce
4. LIBRARIANS EVOLVING!
Ook ook ooook!
Showing off eh? Mrs Whitlow must be around.(He's taken his drawers
off for Bealtain/Samhain I see).
I bet he's mastered the art of Blanky Zen and is wearing an invisible
fluffy blanket! Hey, maybe this proves that if Homo sapiens sticks
around for long enough, the species might become intelligent :D
5. THE ECLIPSE CRUISE
Soooo, anyone wanna go on a cruise?
You'll see lots of The Sea and Little Fishes!
Not to mention a MERE BALL OF FLAMING GAS that will have failed to have
ILLUMINATED THE WORLD, at least for a few minutes...
Not to mention a thing of mostly water, with a bit of carbon and a few
other odds and ends, who has succeeded in illuminating the world just a
[Ed. -- And so say all of us!]
27) THE COLOUR OF OOPS, OR HOW NOT TO GROK DISCWORLD
And now we come to the, shall we say, unbelievers. One of WOSSNAME's
newshounds sent me the following item some months ago; I'd originally
decided not to reprint or link to it, but what with the theme of this
month's editorial, I think this piece provides a reasonable
opportunity to mock the afflic-, that is, to point out that not
everyone has the right mindset to appreciate Discworld. Below is a
review, published exactly two years ago in The Oxford Student, of a
stage production of Wyrd Sisters. Not only did the reviewer
completely fail to understand the true satirical nature of Wyrd
Sisters, but she also fell over herself in an attempt to be
scornfully clever, or cleverly scornful, or whatever it is that
pretentious students in the Halls of Academia (MAY CONTAIN NUTS)
think they have to do to look like a wys-ars -- which apparently
includes an inability to proofread the title of her own review:
A Prachett job
By Alys Denby
O'Reilly, 16 May - 20 May
Perhaps it is just me being green in judgement but something makes me
think it unlikely that a large proportion of O'Reilly theatregoers
are under the age of seven. This view is apparently not shared by
Meghna Jayanth who, in choosing to stage a production of Terry
Pratchett's Wyrd Sisters must surely be attempting to appeal to
this age group, that or trying to relive her own salad days.
The play is essentially a puerile parody of Shakespeare's Macbeth
with elements of King Lear and Hamlet thrown in for good measure. The
megalomaniacal Duke Felmet (played by Rob Morgan) has usurped the
good King Verence I and attempts to cement his rule by disposing of
the king's rightful heir. His plan is complicated somewhat by the
interference of the king's ghost, three witches and a band of
These tiresome events strut their hour upon the fantastical Discworld
of the eponymous novel cycle whose popularity is as incomprehensible
as Stephen Briggs' decision to adapt it for stage. The witches are
characterised with bathetic realism, their only real power being the
capacity of their comedy accents to slip seamlessly between
Coronation Street and Ireland, with the exception of Claire Stevenson
who plays Magrat Garlick and is actually from Belfast.
Pratchett fans will recognise the narrator Jayanth's own
addition who vocalises vast sections of the book's footnotes.
This play, having as it does all the characteristics of a tale told
by an idiot, is rescued from unwatchability by Morgan who portrays
the oleaginous perversion of the Duke admirably.
This is fortunate as the Duke's character is the only one that
provides genuine humour in the play as a caricature of the spotty
sexuality of a fourteen year-old dungeons and dragons enthusiast with
a reassuringly postmodern touch. In all fairness to the Wyrd Sisters
team, the job they make of this dreadful play is far from hamfisted
and would probably delight a family at the Edinburgh fringe.
I fear however that the travesty it makes of the bard may be an
anathema to Oxford's more erudite theatregoer.
The original review can be seen online at:
28) ...AND IT'S NOT GOODNIGHT FROM HER YET
And so we come to the *temporary* end. Stand by for the rest of your
monthly WOSSNAME goodies, arriving in your Hex mailbox in a few days'
time: Fernando, Weird Alice, and any late-breaking news that happens
to show up. As always, I'd like to extend a huge thank-you to all the
people who sent me news and links. In the meantime, enjoy your link
clicks, save an orangutan, and don't forget to pre-order your copy of
-- Annie Mac
End of Part 3, continued on Part 4 of 5.
If you did not get all five parts, write: interact@...
Copyright (c) 2008 by Klatchian Foreign Legion