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  • Not A Granny
    WOSSNAME - APRIL 2008 -- PART 3 OF 5 (continued) ... oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo ====Part 3 -- MORE WEIRD ALICE 21) THE CLACKS LOG OF
    Message 1 of 2 , Apr 27, 2008
      WOSSNAME - APRIL 2008 -- PART 3 OF 5 (continued)

      ====Part 3 -- MORE WEIRD ALICE




      My dear girl, I hope this finds you in good health and good voice. I
      had a simply fascinating time in Genua. How the days flew by! So many
      exquisite poisons, so little time. But as I promised, I have "made
      it" to Ankh-Morpork and all is well. My cousin made good on her
      promise of lodgings, and thanks to my dear niece Anaglypta I have a
      trustworthy young lady to help me with my little items of specialised
      shopping. So very much to do, my days are quite full and I'm quite
      the "busy bee", as they say. I have a small teaching position at that
      ancient institution of learning, the Assassins' Guild, and another
      part-time position teaching at that institution of ancient learning,
      the Seamstresses' Guild. I seem to be ever so popular with the young
      men and young ladies of both! Who would have ever thought they would
      have so much interest in a maiden lady of the "old school", eh? I
      seem to have stumbled upon a little "side line" as well, making
      potions for some of my young charges. I do hope your young man won't
      be jealous!

      Do drop by when your travels take you here, as I know Ankh-Morpork is
      on your itinerary. I look forward to having another "warble" with
      you, my dear, and I am sure you and I have much to talk about. Oh,
      and if you happen across any samples of Krullian Nightshade or
      Widow's Friend, please do drop me a line. This may be the Disc's
      leading centre of commerce, but some essentials are in mysteriously
      short supply!

      All the best, your friend,
      Listeria Curtsey (Miss)

      ...and one from Elena:

      Darling Aliyushka -- or should I perhaps say dahlink Alice? -- for I
      do not think you recognise me without the accent! But yes, it is I,
      Elena Lassinova, still alive and still on the run. My family have
      unowned me with the greater vigour, so now I stay with yennork
      underground and with others sympathetic to my cause. The cause I am
      hoping did not give you too much of inconvenience when the villagers
      with their pitchforks and the reactionaries among my race arrived,
      yes? I believe in having the choices when it comes to females and the
      bodies, and I am thinking you do also. I am sending many rousing
      pamphlets to the young of werekind, also with the slogans, "Raise
      your paw for free choice!" and "Litter-sisters, you are more than
      just a puppy farm!", and hoping of success even though some say I am
      just the uppity bitch.

      I miss you and am thinking with fondnesses of our happy times
      together. If you reply to me at this Clacks office, someone will
      forward to me the message. But I must go now. I can smell the scent
      of burning pitch coming nearer. Take care, Aliyushka, and thank you
      for the biscuits.

      Elena x x x

      ...and some fascinating news from Mr Kakhand and Semolina back home:

      Hello Alice, I hope you're keeping well. Your harp is untouched in
      the storeroom of the Loser. Much activity here in Lost Wages since
      you left, I think your songbooks and your famous Clacks log have
      something to do with that, a lot of people are asking for you and I
      don't think you owe any of them money. Maybe when you get back you
      still wouldn't mind taking a booking or two for old times sake. I've
      refurbished the inn and several other things of interest happened,
      but not that interesting really. Well, that's about all, I'm not much
      for writing things down apart from bulk beer orders.

      Yrs trly,
      Z. Kakhand

      Alice sweetheart, Papa probably hasn't told you because he's not much
      for writing things down apart from bulk beer orders, but LW is
      absolutely hopping now! That's right, LW is returning to its former
      glory, and Papa has a piece of the action! He's reopened the old
      casino across from the Loser and it's like a licence to mint pennies.
      Not that I'm lacking in pennies these days, life at the Seamstresses'
      Guild suits me just fine. I think Papa is a bit cross because I
      hardly ever have time to help him behind the bar now, but really,
      having a Guild house here is a lot of the reason why customers are
      flocking in. As I told him, after they come to me and come they come
      to him. I don't think he gets the joke, but we're all girls together
      so I know you do. Oh, and he's grumbling about me not getting married
      and making babies, it's always "but who will take over the Loser
      after I'm gone?" Not that I wanted to anyhow. What I have my eye on
      now is the top job, one day I want to be "Mrs K" and I don't need a
      husband for that kind of Mrs! But for all Papa grumbling, he misses
      you lots. Don't forget to C-mail us when you're coming back, the
      girls and I will throw you the best party ever! Hope you're having
      fun and meeting lots of juicy lads. Best wishes, dearie! p.s. how
      good is my C-name? "Odalisque" is Quirmish, I think, or maybe
      Brindisian, but it doesn't half sound exotic, beats Semolina the
      Barmaid hands down!

      Semolina o_O

      ...and a very surprising one from, of all people, Rudney Urch. For an
      obnoxious 14-year-old nerd we gave to the Litigian bandits as a
      slave, he's been rather enterprising:

      The Urch is back! Haha. I bet you thought you'd never hear from me
      again? Well, you were wrong! I am now an INTERNATIONAL SOURCE OF
      INFORMATION ON ALL THINGS and I am AWESOME. Not even 16 yet and a
      TYCOON! You might want to check out the Ask Rudney network. I might
      even give you a discount, haha again.

      So how, do you ask (and it won't even cost you), did I escape from
      the bandits when you lot voted to leave me with them? Well, I didn't.
      I walked away a free Urch. After I taught them about the campaigns of
      Tacticus and the Brindisian hill clans' tribute system and how to
      build better weaponry, they were so successful that King Hans offered
      to adopt me as his heir! But I decided to make my own way in the
      world so I took a bag of gold instead (I learned some things myself,
      as a bandit slave) and went to A-M and contacted Carlton/Winton/Emery
      (the GNU) and we worked out a new way to speed-clacks packets of
      information and now I am RICH. So all that time I spent indoors with
      my nose in a book made me ALL WIN, haha.

      Anyway, no hard feelings, haha, and I even hope you're having a good
      time and haven't done anything stupid like getting captured by
      pirates or getting lost on the Counterweight Continent! If you are
      ever in A-M look me up. I'm the first big mansion on the left in
      Scoone Avenue. And remember, ASK RUDNEY!

      Be cool,
      The Urch

      ...while Mr Num, unsurprisingly, hasn't changed much at all:

      Sister Alice, I hope this message finds you hale and whole and that
      you have opened your heart to the Word of Om. After many travails
      among the heathens of Circadia who heeded me not and were as the
      harsh grains of desert sand beneath the tender hooves of blessed St
      Bobby, I have moved on to carry on my ministry in the holy land of
      Omnia itself. For I was sore vexed with the unheeding, and as Holy
      Ossory himself said, "Woe unto him who raises his hand unto his
      brother, dealing with him as unto an Infidel" (Ossory, Precepts XI,
      verse 16), and though indeed we be all brothers I found great

      Here in Omnia there are many confusing interpretations of the Word of
      Om. But yea, it is not for me to judge, for that is the province of
      Om :"We are judged in life as we are in death" (Ossory III, chapter
      VI, verse 56). So I shall continue, even unto death when I shall be

      Yours in the Word,
      Versus Num

      ...and not forgetting the Verdants -- Lothar, Tessica, Athelred and
      Rumbustia -- who sound as if they're getting on well down in Genua:

      Greetings, Mlle Lancrevic! Life in Genua has been kind to our little
      enterprise... yes, we are doing very well for ourselves... expanded
      our little haberdashery shop & Tess has gone into the fashion
      business...our Zom-B-Cool line of casual wear for the modern Genuan
      is all the rage... Athelred is doing well for himself, may well be
      marrying into the local gentry... this climate encourages one to let
      down one's hair and unbutton one's collar, but there is far too much
      to do.. if you are interested in our new spring catalogue, let me
      know by return mail, it is a bargain at AM$1 plus postage... yours

      Lothar and Tessica Verdant, proprietors

      Hey babe, you OK these days? I bet you want to hear all about me.
      I've got my foot well under the table here. Ella, that's the
      Baroness, has a smashing circle of friends. I'm getting a lion's
      share of posh nookie, no surprise there really. Sling me a line and
      we'll do lunch. Got to fly now, more admirers, you know how it is,
      'k? Ta-ta for now.

      Stay loose,

      Hiya Hot Licks! What goes? I guess you know by now that I'm a fully
      qualified lady of the night, and what with brother dearest bunging
      all that gentrified trade my way, I'm often as not a lady of the
      knight too. Know what I like about Genua? All these hot men, and I
      get paid for it! What's not to like? I heard you got captured by
      pirates -- come on, you can tell me, were they sexy ones? Did they
      ravish you? Nothing like a good ravish to get the blood flowing --
      and did you ever make it to Agatea? I hear those Auriental men can do
      things our men don't even know how to dream of. Oh, and Genua has
      some hot ladies too, and the other night there was this booking that
      -- well, I don't know if I can tell you because the Clacks lines
      might catch fire if I did! And to think I'd always been told that
      being a Seamstress was hard work. Maybe other girls don't have their
      minds at the right level, hey?

      Don't forget to write and make it juicy! That's all for now, I've got
      some leather and chains to oil and Mrs LeClerc wants to go over my
      roster to see if there's any customers I can give away to the other
      girls because I'm getting the most work. Oh well, it can't *all* be
      fun and games.

      Miss you much,

      So our original party of nine have seen some interesting times,
      that's for sure. When I answer these, I think I'll skip over the
      whole lived-and-died-in-another-world thing and just stick with the
      p[arts of my travels that were less...complicated.

      Suppertime soon. There's music on at the inn tonight and I've been
      asked to do a turn, but I don't think I'm quite ready to go back to
      Barding just yet. It's...complicated.

      Here endeth this post.


      Second Clog: "As I walk though the Valley..."

      Went to the Thud tournament yesterday. Amazing stuff. No so much the
      game itself, which seems to be a cross between a sort of chess with
      extra added violence and the old standbys Cities at War and I'm
      Tacticus, but the players...! Growing up in the mountains as I did, I
      never thought I'd see the day when dwarfs and trolls would gather
      together non-violently under one roof (or in this case, one marquee
      tent in the city square), or ever hear dwarfs speaking Trollish and
      trolls speaking Dwarfish. And so many players. There were dozens of
      tables -- it was an early allcomers' round -- manned, or I suppose,
      personned or beinged by all the major two-legged species, even a
      couple of gnolls...there were trolls and vampires swapping sunscreen
      recipes -- lots of handshakings without axes or clubs
      involved...simply amazing. Things have truly changed since the
      revelation of the Secret of Koom Valley, and it makes this mountain
      girl proud to see it happening in her own lifetime...

      There was also beer, naturally. Lots of beer. Dwarf beer and troll
      beer and Pseudopolitan beer and imported genuine Ankh-water beer and
      even faux Blutwein for the Black Ribboners. But -- another surprise
      -- the players were only drinking sparingly, to keep their wits sharp
      I imagine. So plenty of "battles" but no fights, no belligerent
      singing of contentious anthems, no thrown axes...hey, I remember some
      "friendly" games of I'm Tacticus back at the Sore Loser that were far
      less civilised ("friendly" meaning "more insults with every round of
      drinks consumed"), ending in punch-ups and wrecked furniture, and
      those players were nearly all from the same species! Not to mention
      some games of Cripple Mr Onion where the crippling part got taken
      rather literally. Mind you, there was plenty of competitive spirit in
      the Thud tournament itself. The audience, supporters and insolent
      bystanders, did go for some rowdier egging-on, but the organisers had
      the sense to station armed dwarfs and trolls around the perimeter so
      nothing got out of hand. I bought a t-shirt (KOOM VALLEY ANNUAL
      TOURNEY: EVERYTHING BUT THE BLOOD) from a trollish trader called
      Shave-Me-Own-Lichen-Off Dolomite, and stuck around for a few hours
      just watching. Thud is a slow game! But a group behind the main tent
      were playing Speed Thud, so I did get to see a few complete matches.
      Real Thudmeisters and other serious players don't think much of Speed
      Thud because they say it's for poseurs and lacks elegance; there was
      more quaffing and less silence though, so it makes for a better
      spectator sport...


      End of Part 3, continued on Part 4 of 5.
      If you did not get all five parts, write: interact@...
      Copyright (c) 2008 by Klatchian Foreign Legion
    • Not A Granny
      WOSSNAME -- MAY 2008 -- PART 3 OF 5 (continued) ... oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo ====Part 3 - ...AND MORE...AND AROUND THE BU CAMPUS
      Message 2 of 2 , May 27, 2008
        WOSSNAME -- MAY 2008 -- PART 3 OF 5 (continued)

        ====Part 3 - ...AND MORE...AND AROUND THE BU CAMPUS

        28) NOT QUITE THE END



        The Turtle Moves! Discworld's Story Unauthorized:


        "The Turtle Moves! will be out in August from BenBella Books, by the
        way. It's a sort of reader's guide to Terry Pratchett's long-running

        [It's a meme, I tells ya! -- Ed.]




        The Rear View column this week was written by Deborah Hope who opined
        that children these days would be better behaved if their parents read
        to them as she did to her own sons. She gives examples of books
        including "Terry Pratchett's trilogy for younger readers, 'Truckers,
        Diggers and Wings'(the boys would go on to read the two dozen or so
        Discworld series titles numerous times)."

        [Hope, Deborah. "A read can put things right." The Weekend Australian
        Review Section 26 Apr 2008, p. 40.]

        -- New Bruce


        Engineer/economist Bill Phillips, a New Zealand native, built a
        machine to model the British economy in 1949. Although it was high-
        tech for its time, today the Phillips Machine seems a little nutty.
        What's odd about the machine is that it used water power —
        hydraulics — to model the flow of money through the British


        -- Jase


        I don't want to make light of the crisis in Myanmar but I did smile
        when I heard on the news that the UN was bringing in supplies from
        Brindisi today.

        You can help here -- http://www.careaustralia.org.au/

        -- New Bruce


        Mrs Peculiar:
        Ook ook ooook!

        New Bruce:
        Showing off eh? Mrs Whitlow must be around.(He's taken his drawers
        off for Bealtain/Samhain I see).

        Someone else:
        I bet he's mastered the art of Blanky Zen and is wearing an invisible
        fluffy blanket! Hey, maybe this proves that if Homo sapiens sticks
        around for long enough, the species might become intelligent :D


        New Bruce:
        Soooo, anyone wanna go on a cruise?


        You'll see lots of The Sea and Little Fishes!

        Mrs Peculiar:
        Not to mention a MERE BALL OF FLAMING GAS that will have failed to have
        ILLUMINATED THE WORLD, at least for a few minutes...

        Not to mention a thing of mostly water, with a bit of carbon and a few
        other odds and ends, who has succeeded in illuminating the world just a
        little bit...

        [Ed. -- And so say all of us!]



        And now we come to the, shall we say, unbelievers. One of WOSSNAME's
        newshounds sent me the following item some months ago; I'd originally
        decided not to reprint or link to it, but what with the theme of this
        month's editorial, I think this piece provides a reasonable
        opportunity to mock the afflic-, that is, to point out that not
        everyone has the right mindset to appreciate Discworld. Below is a
        review, published exactly two years ago in The Oxford Student, of a
        stage production of Wyrd Sisters. Not only did the reviewer
        completely fail to understand the true satirical nature of Wyrd
        Sisters, but she also fell over herself in an attempt to be
        scornfully clever, or cleverly scornful, or whatever it is that
        pretentious students in the Halls of Academia (MAY CONTAIN NUTS)
        think they have to do to look like a wys-ars -- which apparently
        includes an inability to proofread the title of her own review:

        A Prachett job
        By Alys Denby

        O'Reilly, 16 May - 20 May

        Perhaps it is just me being green in judgement but something makes me
        think it unlikely that a large proportion of O'Reilly theatregoers
        are under the age of seven. This view is apparently not shared by
        Meghna Jayanth who, in choosing to stage a production of Terry
        Pratchett's Wyrd Sisters must surely be attempting to appeal to
        this age group, that or trying to relive her own salad days.

        The play is essentially a puerile parody of Shakespeare's Macbeth
        with elements of King Lear and Hamlet thrown in for good measure. The
        megalomaniacal Duke Felmet (played by Rob Morgan) has usurped the
        good King Verence I and attempts to cement his rule by disposing of
        the king's rightful heir. His plan is complicated somewhat by the
        interference of the king's ghost, three witches and a band of
        travelling players.

        These tiresome events strut their hour upon the fantastical Discworld
        of the eponymous novel cycle whose popularity is as incomprehensible
        as Stephen Briggs' decision to adapt it for stage. The witches are
        characterised with bathetic realism, their only real power being the
        capacity of their comedy accents to slip seamlessly between
        Coronation Street and Ireland, with the exception of Claire Stevenson
        who plays Magrat Garlick and is actually from Belfast.

        Pratchett fans will recognise the narrator — Jayanth's own
        addition — who vocalises vast sections of the book's footnotes.
        This play, having as it does all the characteristics of a tale told
        by an idiot, is rescued from unwatchability by Morgan who portrays
        the oleaginous perversion of the Duke admirably.

        This is fortunate as the Duke's character is the only one that
        provides genuine humour in the play as a caricature of the spotty
        sexuality of a fourteen year-old dungeons and dragons enthusiast with
        a reassuringly postmodern touch. In all fairness to the Wyrd Sisters
        team, the job they make of this dreadful play is far from hamfisted
        and would probably delight a family at the Edinburgh fringe.

        I fear however that the travesty it makes of the bard may be an
        anathema to Oxford's more erudite theatregoer.


        The original review can be seen online at:




        And so we come to the *temporary* end. Stand by for the rest of your
        monthly WOSSNAME goodies, arriving in your Hex mailbox in a few days'
        time: Fernando, Weird Alice, and any late-breaking news that happens
        to show up. As always, I'd like to extend a huge thank-you to all the
        people who sent me news and links. In the meantime, enjoy your link
        clicks, save an orangutan, and don't forget to pre-order your copy of

        -- Annie Mac


        End of Part 3, continued on Part 4 of 5.
        If you did not get all five parts, write: interact@...
        Copyright (c) 2008 by Klatchian Foreign Legion
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