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WOSSNAME - MARCH 2008 - PART 4 of 4

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  • Not A Granny
    WOSSNAME - MARCH 2008 -- PART 4 OF 4 (continued) ... oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo ====Part 4 -- HOROSCOPE, AND CLOSE 19) YOUR MONTHLY
    Message 1 of 1 , Mar 25, 2008
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      WOSSNAME - MARCH 2008 -- PART 4 OF 4 (continued)

      ====Part 4 -- HOROSCOPE, AND CLOSE

      20) CLOSE



      by Fernando Magnifico

      Buongiorno to my good friends! The Lady Asterisk is unavailable this
      month, for she is suffering with the stomach cramps from eating too
      many strawberries. But do not worry, for it is I, Fernando Magnifico,
      and I shall be your astrologer today.

      When Fernando journeyed to Ankh-Morpork from his little village on
      the sunny slopes of Brindisi, Fernando visited many places and saw
      many things. In Lancre, Fernando was fortunate to see the (in)famous
      Witch Trials, and the bellissima donna Mistress Weatherwax, whose
      fame has reached Brindisi. From Mistress Weatherwax, Fernando learned
      many things about the magic, and from Mrs Ogg, Fernando learned ...
      many other things, which Fernando will not speak of, except to say
      that Mrs Ogg's scumble reminds Fernando of Uncle Rafael and his
      grappa. The witches, they do not like to teach their craft to men,
      and the wizards of Ankh-Morpork do not share their secrets, but
      Fernando is very persuasive, and where persuasion fails, Fernando can
      learn from afar, for he has the eyes of a hawk, the ears of an owl,
      and the memory of a mouse! So this month, Fernando has cast your
      horoscope to learn what the stars have to say about the mystic occult
      arts - magic!


      The Adamant Hedgehog 21 Mar - 20 Apr

      The stars suggest that Hoggers consider becoming hedge wizards.
      Fernando is a great lover of the unspoilt wilderness, so long as it
      is not spoilt by dragons, wolves, snow, forest fires, brigands,
      bears, wild trolls, dwarf war parties, hungry gnolls, elves, rogue
      cheeses, druids or pineapples. Hedge wizardry is a very good job,
      nice outdoor work in the sunshine and fresh air with no heavy
      lifting. The trees sometimes answer back but rarely argue, and there
      is only a little topiary.


      Gahoolie, the Vase of Tulips 21 Apr - 21 May

      Deep in the jungles of Klatch, the witch-doctors make dark and
      terrible magics, and do strange and mysterious rituals with the
      citrus fruits and coconuts. The stars say that this is a good month
      for you too to learn the secrets of shrinking heads, cursing your
      enemies, transforming into a hyena, and raising the dead. But do not
      fear, for Fernando reads carefully the collected adventures of
      Howondaland Smith, transcribed each week in the A-M Times Octeday
      supplement by Mr CMOT Dibbler, and I am sure that there is nothing
      that can go wrong. You just need the right herbs and powders, and a
      few spells, and perhaps one or two sacrifices. I am sure the
      Howondaland gods will accept a goat or a sheep instead of a beautiful
      Morporkian maiden -- and as Fernando has learned since coming to the
      city, there are very few maidens over the age of sixteen in Morpork.


      Herne the Hunted 22 May - 21 Jun

      This month is a bad month for mirror magic. Fernando has a magic
      mirror -- whenever he looks in it, he sees an incredibly handsome man
      looking back at him! Ha ha! Mirror magic is bad every month, but this
      month it is particularly bad, with the stars warning Hernians to
      stick to simple protection spells, good luck charms, and magic to
      find the items which are lost. Especially the items which are lost,
      like Fernando's favourite gold medallion, which Fernando is sure he
      did not leave down the back of a lady's couch.


      The Wizard's Staff and Knob 22 Jun - 22 Jul

      Magic brings life to many fine creatures, like the trolls and
      centaurs and dryads, but every magic has it's opposite, and there is
      also magic in and from death, the terrible dark magic: necromancy, or
      post-vital communications as the wizards call it today. But the stars
      do not forget the old ways, and necromancy is not just for talking to
      the dead: the dead can walk, and there is death-force as well as
      life-force. Fernando does not like to dwell on such matters, for
      Fernando prefers to make new life, not death, but the stars say that
      this is a good month for the dark arts of necromancy. Staffies with
      their own shovel who are not afraid of the consequences will find
      power and profit in the necromancy. Beware though of mobs with
      pitchforks and flaming torches.


      Bilious, God of Hangovers 23 Jul - 23 Aug

      The art of oenomancy, wine magic, was first discovered in Brindisi's
      Seven Hills long ago, and today Brindisians are famous for their
      skill at turning water into wine, bad wine into less-bad wine, and in
      the case of Fernando's cousin Tony, a single bottle of fine Brindisi
      red into three quarts of the yellow water. Fernando doesn't know how
      he does it. For Bilians, this month will be a good month to become an


      Mubbo the Hyena 24 Aug - 23 Sept

      Fernando is always very successful in the romance, but not everybody
      can be as fortunate as Fernando. It is sad but true that some people
      cannot find true love. If you are a Mubboon suffering in this way,
      the stars have good news for you: the signs are good for love spells
      this month, especially those that call on Vyagreh, the god of
      disappointed swains. It may not be true love, but it is cheaper than
      hiring love by the hour. Fernando knows this well.


      The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct

      Sometimes the Gods laugh at Men, even at Fernando, and this month
      they laugh at Boring'uns. Why else would Boring'uns, who want nothing
      more than a quiet, uneventful life, be fated to have a magical career
      in the exciting and cutting edge area of thaumology, or technomancy?
      (Not to be confused with thaumaturgy, a very different and rather
      low-paying branch of magic. Fernando hears that this causes much
      confusion during enrolments at the Unseen University.) You can push
      back the boundaries of reality, split the thaum, send yourself down
      the wrong leg of the Trousers of Time, and experiment with new and
      exciting ways to destroy the Disc.

      Fernando does not approve of destroying the Disc, and hopes
      Boring'uns will simply avoid magic altogether, and grow cabbages
      instead. Or figs. Fernando approves of fig trees, especially the


      Androgyna Majestis 24 Oct - 22 Nov

      Androgyna Majestis is the seven-plus-oneth sign of the Zodiac, and so
      it is no surprise that Andies are often the eighth son of an eighth
      son, or a sourceror. For you, there is nothing you cannot do, even
      more so than Fernando, for the sourceror is the source for calling
      the raw magic into the world.

      But what of those who are not the eighth son of a wizard? Never fear,
      the stars say that for you, there is always the Conjurer's Guild,
      meetings on Tuesday and Friday nights, tea and biscuits provided. For
      the gentlemen, cards and rope will be provided. Ladies please bring
      your own spangly tights.


      Great T'Phon's Foot 23 Nov - 21 Dec

      Fernando has learned from Mistress Weatherwax that there is much
      magic in your head. The gods themselves rise and fall according to
      belief in the people's heads, do they not? Witches get much power
      from this belief, the power of headology. Footies, Fernando knows,
      are born headologists, so this month is a good time to practice your
      headology, perhaps on your bank manager.

      Fernando also knows that there is a dark side to the headology. This
      is the sort of headology practised by those dishonourable pigs known
      as Quirmian footsballers, for how else could they ever win any
      footsball match? Pah! Fernando does not recommend this sort of
      headology, no, especially if you are a Quirmian Footy footsballer.


      Hoki the Jokester 22 Dec - 20 Jan

      The stars say this is the month for weather magic for fun and profit.
      Keeping rain away from high-society garden parties is an obvious way
      to make money from your weather spells. But Hokians are as interested
      in fun as profit, and weather spells offer unlimited opportunity for
      mischief. A sudden cold snap, a patch of icy ground, a fat man
      carrying a cake... what Hokian could resist the opportunity to laugh
      themselves silly at another person's misfortune? Fernando never
      laughs at others' bad luck, but Fernando also does not judge others
      who do.


      The Rather Large Gazunda 21 Jan - 18 Feb

      Fernando knows that magic can be used for both good and evil.
      Sometimes the same spell can be used for both, depending on
      circumstances. The same weather spell calling in rain can be good or
      evil depending on whether the recipient's house is on fire or they've
      just taken the thatch down off the roof to replace it. This month,
      Gazundians who take up magic will be faced with that choice of doing
      good or evil, for the stars say that this is the month for both
      healing spells and curses. But who is to say that curses are always
      evil? There are some Quirmian footsballers who need cursing until
      their legs fall off.


      Lesser Umbrage 19 Feb - 20 Mar

      This month, according to the stars, is good for making magic objects.
      Umbragians who are good with working metal can make magic swords. Do
      not let the sword eat your soul. If you wish to have somebody teach
      the sword to sing, Fernando can help, for he has an excellent singing
      voice, and Brindisian songs are so very romantic. "Quando la luna
      colpisce il vostro occhio come una torta grande, quella e molto

      If the magic swords are not for you, perhaps you could try for magic
      rings. Or if you can get the sapient pearwood, you could make the
      wizard's staffs. If you find out why they have a knob on the end,
      please let Fernando know, for he is very curious.


      Ladies and gentlemen, Fernando has an announcement!

      The stars, they are not fixed in the sky as Great A'Tuin swims
      through the great void, and the star signs do not remain constant.
      Fernando has checked his charts, and over the next few months there
      will be some new star signs! But do not fear, for if the lovely Lady
      Asterisk happens to be indisposed again, Fernando will be here to
      guide you through this period of change. Ciao!



      That wraps it up for the March issue. Not a moment too soon, since
      I've been up all night and feel as dead as that mole Mr Pratchett has
      his eye on! I hope you get many hours of enjoyment out of all these
      articles and programmes -- take care of your Hex, and watch out for
      ++ OUT OF CHEESE ERROR ++ messages...

      The more eagle-eyed among you -- which is to say, every WOSSNAME
      reader who's more awake than I am right now -- will have noticed that
      the first part of this issue is titled PART 1 of 5. No, there's no
      missing fifth part; it's just a missed mistype. May I be flogged with
      floggy things for not catching it in time!

      In next month's issue, we'll have some more of our regular features,
      but there's news a-plenty for now. Isn't it good to see so many
      Pterry and Discworld items out there? Especially as all the Colour of
      Magic ones are *good* news.

      And so to bed. See you next month!


      End of Part 4.
      If you did not get all four parts, write: interact@...
      Copyright (c) 2008 by Klatchian Foreign Legion
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