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  • Not A Granny
    WOSSNAME - FEBRUARY 2008 -- PART 5 OF 5 (continued) ... oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo ====Part 4 - HOROSCOPE, AND CLOSE 26) YOUR MONTHLY
    Message 1 of 1 , Feb 26, 2008
      WOSSNAME - FEBRUARY 2008 -- PART 5 OF 5 (continued)

      ====Part 4 - HOROSCOPE, AND CLOSE

      27) CLOSE



      by Fernando Magnifico

      Hallo, my friends! It is I, Fernando, here to be your astrologer
      today. The Lady Asterisk has come down with an attack of the daisies
      and cannot work, but Fernando is always ready to help!

      When Fernando first came to Ankh-Morpork from Brindisi, he was
      overwhelmed by the magnificence of such a great city and by the
      bellissimo parade of different cultures; the foods, the
      entertainments, the fashions, arts and people. Especially the lady
      people. Now Fernando is only whelmed, but there is always something
      new to experience, and Fernando is nothing if not ready to be
      experienced. Fernando believes that all persons should experience as
      much as possible and learn to become an "all-rounder", as they say
      here, and I, Fernando, am now an all-rounder, though certainly not
      as all round as the famous Enrico Basilico.

      The best way to become experienced is to follow your stars, for they
      point the way to a lifetime of new ideas. So come with Fernando now,
      my friends, and let him show you the way to a life of excitement.
      Ciao bella!


      The Adamant Hedgehog 21 Mar - 20 Apr

      This month is a good month for Hoggers and cats. Fernando loves all
      animals, except for pineapples ever since his belovered Uncle Nino
      (mayherestinnapeace) was killed by a stampede of pineapples, but he
      especially loves cats. Tiny little kittens, big fat smelly toms,
      fluffy white cats, old dribbling pussies, even that cat with the big
      boots that lives at number 7 The Backs. So Fernando is very pleased
      that the stars say that this month is good for Hoggers to be kind to
      cats. Here, pussy, pussy! Fernando waits for you!


      Gahoolie, the Vase of Tulips 21 Apr - 21 May

      Gahooligans, if you have every wanted to try extreme sports, this is
      the most excellent month to start! The stars say that you will be
      successful at Rimseiling, which is like the abseiling only wetter,
      but just as good for your abs, so now is the time to book your
      passage to the island of Zark, near distant Farferee. The island
      overhangs the Rim, and is home to giants and enormous rodents with
      big feet. The natives race each other to climb down the Rim as fast
      as possible. The bravest, fastest Rimseilers go all the way to the
      bottom of the Rim, and carve their initials into the underside of
      the Disc. Fernando predicts that you Gahooligans will carve many
      notches there, just as Fernando has carved many notches elsewhere.


      Herne the Hunted 22 May - 21 Jun

      Hernians, are you bored of your homes? Does your wallpaper not
      excite you in the way that Fernando excites your imaginations? If
      so, this is a good month for you to consider interior decorating.
      The stars tell Fernando that this is a good time to consider
      rearranging the furniture, changing the carpets, repainting the
      walls, and replacing the entire kitchen. And if that sounds like
      too much work, Fernando has a cousin who can do this for you, best
      quality materials very cheap.


      The Wizard's Staff and Knob 22 Jun - 22 Jul

      For you Staffies, the stars say that this is the month to test your
      mettle and find out what you are made of. Armed with nothing but a
      chair, a whip, and your courage, are you brave enough to practice
      the art of parrot-taming? Fernando has studied under the great
      parrot-tamers. Fernando's life has been filled with great days, but
      the greatest day of all was the day Fernando entered the cage with
      neither chair nor whip. If you can face down a cage full of
      Fourecksian galahs and Hubland Blues, then you can face anything,
      even creatures from the Dungeon Dimensions, or the Mrs Whitlow.


      Bilious, God of Hangovers 23 Jul - 23 Aug

      Sometimes the stars' advice is subtle and surprising, like Fernando.
      But for Bilians, this month is not one of those times, for this
      month, the stars say "Wine!". Fernando is not one for sarcasm, but
      if he was, he would say "Bilians drinking wine? Who would have
      guessed?" So if you have been a beer or ale drinker, now would be
      the month to move up the social ladder by drinking wine. Fernando
      recommends a good Brindisian red, especially a '95 from Snarkinia.
      Avoid Fourecksian table wines, for no aftershave is strong enough to
      cover their smell, not even Fernando's.


      Mubbo the Hyena 24 Aug - 23 Sept

      As the delightful Signora Cosmopilite says, "What goes around comes
      around", and this is a good month for Mubboons to listen to her
      wisdom. The stars say that this is a good month for charitable
      works, so you should drop a few pennies in the next beggar's bowl
      you pass, or hand on a few of your less-badly worn old clothes to
      The Spiteful Sisters of Sek's House of Widows and Orphans. Fernando
      is always generous to those less fortunate than he, because anybody
      who is not Fernando is less fortunate, and Fernando's reward is to
      be fortunate to be Fernando! If you are generous with your
      charitable works, you too will surely benefit from the generosity
      and charity of others -- perhaps you will even be fortunate enough
      to be visited by Fernando.


      The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct

      Boring'uns, this is a month for cheese! Fernando enjoys strong
      cheese, like a Brindisi aged Parmigiana or a Lancre Blue, but not
      the awful tasteless things those cursed Quirmians make, may their
      footsballers get eaten by sheep. Boring'uns may prefer a bland Chalk
      Cheddar, or if you are feeling especially brave, a Zlobenian Mild
      farmhouse, but whatever cheese you prefer, this is the month for
      eating lots of it. Fernando recommends you also include figs, so you
      will not be frightened by your bottom.


      Androgyna Majestis 24 Oct - 22 Nov

      Andies are famous for their parties. Mme Cupidor once held a garden
      party which went on for forty-three days, and fellow Andie Mme
      Hania, whose custard-and-jelly parties were the scandal of Olde Ankh
      society, lost favour with the king when three generals and two
      foreign ambassadors drowned in a vat of custard. Fernando prefers an
      intimate little tat-o-tat for three, but whatever sort of party you
      prefer, the stars say this is the month to party hard. After your
      festival of retribution last month, that Fernando so accurately
      predicted, you will have to spend less on party invitations, but now
      you really do know who your friends are.


      Great T'Phon's Foot 23 Nov - 21 Dec

      The stars say that this is a good month for Footies to cultivate the
      finer artistic sensibilities by taking up one of the fine arts.
      Fernando also has a sensitive, artistic side, and he can often be
      found helping the young signorinas and signores practice their art.
      Fernando is available to model for painters and sculptors, and has
      his own ferret and fig-leaf. Have I mentioned this before? It is a
      very impressive fig-leaf.


      Hoki the Jokester 22 Dec - 20 Jan

      This month is a good month for Hokians to read books. Books contain
      much that is very educational, and as a young boy Fernando learned
      many wonderful things from Lady Venturi's "Travels In The Dark
      Hinterland". But Fernando understands that not everybody has been
      fortunate enough to have a good education like Fernando, whose
      sainted mamma scrubbed floors and worked her fingers to the bone to
      send him to school so he could learn his letters and become the
      great astrologer you see before you now. For those who can, this is
      a good month for reading, and for those who cannot, there is always
      "130 Days of Pseudopolis", with its wonderful and very educational


      The Rather Large Gazunda 21 Jan - 18 Feb

      Sometimes the stars predict unpleasantness, and for Gazundians, this
      month will contain unpleasantness in the form of burglary. Fernando
      does not condone the breaking and entering, unless you are fully
      licenced by the Thieves' Guild, so we shall not speak of how you
      might commit that burglary yourself. Gazundians who are not
      themselves burglars should consider buying better locks or getting a
      watch dog or dragon, or making sure they are fully paid up with the


      Lesser Umbrage 19 Feb - 20 Mar

      This month, Umbragians should get out into the fresh air for the
      stars have said that the signs are good for animal husbandry.
      Fernando is now the expert Morporkian speaker, but when he was
      still learning the language, he thought animal husbandry meant the
      sort of the behaviour that back in Brindisi only happens in the
      more isolated villages. But do not worry, Umbragians, the stars are
      talking about herding the beasts. If you are born under the sign of
      the Lesser Umbrage, this is a good month for herding camels,
      shearing sheep, or wrangling horses. But do not make the attempt at
      the herding of cats. Fernando says, leave that to the Hoggers.



      And there you have it. Plenty of new Pratchett action in a number of
      delectable forms, some terrific conventions shaping up for this year
      and the next, and more news and views than we've ever managed to fit
      in before! Have a great month, and don't forget to decorate your
      Soul Cake eggs!

      See you next month, and I'm serious about Stan Lee's phone number...

      -- Annie Mac


      End of Part 5.
      If you did not get all five parts, write: interact@...
      Copyright (c) 2008 by Klatchian Foreign Legion
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