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  • Not A Granny
    WOSSNAME - JANUARY 2008 -- PART 3 OF 3 (continued) ... oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo ====Part 3 -- ...AND THE REST... 16) THE CLACKS LOG
    Message 1 of 1 , Jan 29, 2008
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      WOSSNAME - JANUARY 2008 -- PART 3 OF 3 (continued)

      ====Part 3 -- ...AND THE REST...

      16) THE CLACKS LOG OF...
      18) CLOSE



      Well. The good news is that I'm back in my own body again -- or my
      own body is back to itself again -- whatever -- and that I've found
      Alice's trail. Or at least an indication of Alice's trail. We've
      managed to reach each other through a vatiation of Postvital
      Communications, and I've discovered that she's in an alternate
      universe and has been trapped in an alternate Quirm for weeks now.
      This is her report, in song of course.

      We'll see each other again. I'm working on it.


      There's a Godsawful floral clock
      In that town with miasmic air
      Where the cheeses are ageing slow
      And the cafes serve sparkling 'eau'
      But they roll up the pavements at night
      And the tourism turns to flight
      Though there's wineries ev'rywhere
      All the 'vin' is so 'ordinaire'
      Yes, the city's a sad old bore
      See it once and you'll cry 'non more!'
      Though the cuisine is 'cordon bleu'
      It's ennui that you'll choke upon

      Shouting round the veg stalls
      Oh man, look at those tradesmen go
      It's a brassica show
      Take a look at the Watchmen
      Rolling up their dog-ends
      Oh man, wonder if they'll ever know
      There's something shaking in Sto
      Is there life in Quirm?

      It's on Morporkia's guanoed brow
      In plainer words than in 'WHERE'S MY COW?'
      That the Quirmians struck true fame:
      Voted "Most Boring Town" again!
      Yes, its lack of all interest reigns
      From the Ankh to the fecund plains
      It's the paste in the rural jewels
      (Though it's good for producing Fools)
      Really, Quirm is a sad old bore
      It's advisable to ignore
      Now I'm watching that clock again
      As the sun turns the crocus on

      Short yobs
      Fighting in the Dwarf bars
      Oh man, look at those Kzad-bhats go
      They've been digging below
      Take a look at the schoolgirls
      Barging down the sports field
      Oh man, wonder if they'd ever care
      Death sent his granddaughter there...
      Is there life in Quirm?

      Note for Roundworlders:
      original lyrics can be found at:



      by Fernando Magnifico

      [Editor's note: it is with great trepidation that we introduce a new
      astrologer for this month's issue. Lady Anaemia Asterisk sent us a
      note a few days ago, begging off from the Horoscope for this month,
      but promising to have her "very talented, oh so *very* talented"
      apprentice prepare it.]


      Hallo and buongiorno! The Lady Asterisk is indisposed this month,
      she is suffering from the Hogswatch exhaustion. But do not worry!
      It is I, Fernando, who is here, and I will be your astrologer today.

      People ask me, "Fernando, how do I become a magnificent lover like
      you? I am but a pale, lukewarm-blooded Morporkian without a single
      drop of your hot Brindisian blood. Is it hopeless?" I laugh at them,
      but not cruelly, because Fernando is never cruel. Unless you want
      him to be, and then Fernando will be merciless. I laugh at them
      because it is not true that all Brindisians are magnificent lovers
      like Fernando. To be like Fernando, you must know everything there
      is to know about your lovers, not just their names. And so Fernando
      has come across the Disc to Ankh-Morpork, all the way from Brindisi,
      to learn astrology, for what else can tell you so much about a
      person but the stars?

      For many weeks I have studied the art of astrology at the
      magnificent feet of the very beautiful and sexy Lady Asterisk.
      Fernando has been like a slave to Lady Asterisk, and has suffered to
      learn his art. But now that his Lady is too exhausted to cast the
      horoscope for you, Fernando is ready to shoulder the burden. Do not
      worry, Fernando has never failed yet!


      The Adamant Hedgehog 21 Mar - 20 Apr

      If you are a Hogger, this is a good month for you to make such
      magnificent music and song! You listen to Fernando and learn to play
      the ancient beloved lute of sleepy Veranda and sing the aria from
      "L'uomo della cucina". Come desidero ho mangiato una salsiccia con
      questi fagioli!!! Which is Brindisian for "How I wish I had a
      sausage with these beans", but do not worry, it is very romantic
      when you sing it.


      Gahoolie, the Vase of Tulips 21 Apr - 21 May

      If you are born under Gahoolie, this will be a good month for making
      passionate love. If you do not have anyone to make passionate love
      with, do not worry, for Fernando can help you no matter who you are.
      Fernando is very open minded. Many species make passionate love, and
      Fernando will always be there to help.


      Herne the Hunted 22 May - 21 Jun

      Herne the Hunted is the sign of parts. You know, the manly parts and
      the ladyly parts, and for trolls, the rocky parts. Fernando does not
      like to be rude and speak of them directly, except in the boudoir,
      but you know the parts I mean. This is a good month for Hernians who
      are wishing to make many magnificent babies with their parts, so you
      must remember to take part.


      The Wizard's Staff and Knob 22 Jun - 22 Jul

      Fernando knows that life is not all play, sometimes you must swim
      the furthest ocean and climb the highest mountain to find a token of
      your love. Fortunately, Fernando is not afraid of hard work, and if
      you are a Staffie, you too should not be afraid of hard work. This
      is the month for you to work hard, and like Fernando, you shall have
      great success at all you attempt.


      Bilious, God of Hangovers 23 Jul - 23 Aug

      If you have every dreamed of being a famous artist, this is the
      ideal month for you to make great art. Whether you are the late
      beginner like Grandma Marmoset or the early genius like Leonardo da
      Quirm, this month you must make love to your canvas, so to speak.
      And if you need a model, Fernando has his own figleaf.


      Mubbo the Hyena 24 Aug - 23 Sept

      If you are a Mubboon, this will be a good month for adding to your
      jewellery collection. Fernando suggests that Zoon gold jewellery
      never is out of place. For women, rings on every finger. Do not be
      tempted to use brass or silver! Nothing but gold will do. The gem is
      not important, diamonds or Ankhstones, it does not matter, so long
      as the ring is at least 11ct gold. With earrings, the bigger the
      hoop the better. For men, choose tasteful plain gold rings half an
      inch or so in width. Do not overdo it with a ring on every finger:
      more than three rings on each hand is just being ostentatious. If
      you are looking for an outlet for your artistic side, Fernando
      suggests gold medallions on chains. You can never have too many


      The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct

      For you Boring'uns, this is a month for washing your hair. The
      Boring'uns, they say to Fernando "My hair is so greasy and lank, how
      do I make it as thick and long like Fernando's?". I tell them, you
      should wash it three times with well water, but do not forget to
      strain the newts out first. Then condition with egg yolks and
      kumquat, and you too shall have hair as sensual and dark as


      Androgyna Majestis 24 Oct - 22 Nov

      Fernando is friend to all, but most people are not so fortunate to
      be Fernando. They have enemies, betrayers and adversaries. If you
      have had your honour insulted, this is your month for vengeance! Let
      your enemies weep, and their enemies celebrate. Fernando does not
      like to talk of such unpleasantness, but the stars have spoken --
      this is the month for Andies and retribution.


      Great T'Phon's Foot 23 Nov - 21 Dec

      If you Footies tend your garden this month, you will be sure to have
      great success, like Fernando's Uncle Enzo. How magnificent are Uncle
      Enzo's tomatoes and melanzane! Fernando remembers as a small boy
      sneaking into Uncle Enzo's garden and stuffing himself sick on figs.
      This is a good month for your garden, especially the zucchinis and
      the garlic.


      Hoki the Jokester 22 Dec - 20 Jan

      For Hokians, this month is an excellent month for coach racing. If
      you have every wanted to "spark iron" on the cobblestones with high-
      speed coach driving, this is your month to start. Fernando's life is
      already very much exciting, but many people are not so fortunate,
      and for them the thrill of being a "straw head" brings joy to their
      lives. For Hokians this month, Fernando can recommend the Linguini
      Diavolo with the red leather seats, go-faster stripes and two
      Klatchian Thoroughlybred horses.


      The Rather Large Gazunda 21 Jan - 18 Feb

      This is be a good month for Hoggers to remember their mammas! Your
      mamma is the most important person. You should listen to Fernando,
      who writes to his sainted Mamma every day, and goes home to see her
      on her birthday and at Hogswatch.


      Lesser Umbrage 19 Feb - 20 Mar

      Footsball! The greatest game of all, and if you are born under the
      sign of the Lesser Umbrage, this will be a good month for footsball.
      Like Captain Carrot of the City Watch would say -- and he is a man
      nearly as magnificent as Fernando -- every month is a good month for
      footsball, but this month will be especially favourable for
      Umbragians and Brindisians: the magnificent Rail Juvenilis Footsball
      Club will be taking on the accursed Quirmian Fromageophages for the
      Brindisi Cup. Go Juvenilis!



      Thanks as always to our contributors. Keep those C-mails coming!

      Here's to a productive and pleasant 2008 for everyone -- I'm going
      to kick back for a few weeks now and enjoy the season. They may not
      know what Winter is in Fourecks, but they offer a fine line in
      Summer. So that's another prawn on the barbie, and we'll see you
      next month...

      -- Annie Mac


      End of Part 3.
      If you did not get all three parts, write: interact@...
      Copyright (c) 2008 by Klatchian Foreign Legion
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