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WOSSNAME -- NOVEMBER 2007 -- PART 5 OF 6

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  • Not A Granny
    WOSSNAME - NOVEMBER 2007 -- PART 5 OF 6 (continued) ... oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo ====Part 5 - WEIRD ALICE, AND HOROSCOPE 16) WEIRD
    Message 1 of 1 , Nov 28, 2007
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      WOSSNAME - NOVEMBER 2007 -- PART 5 OF 6 (continued)
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      oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

      ====Part 5 - WEIRD ALICE, AND HOROSCOPE

      16) WEIRD ALICE, CONTINUED
      17) YOUR MONTHLY DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE, MAR > SEP

      oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

      16) THE CLACKS LOG OF WEIRD ALICE LANCREVIC, continued

      We decided to head for Bhangbhangduc by way of Sum Dim, going
      Rimwards after that through the Tang Pass in the Big Dragon
      Mountains (same dragon, apparently). Sum Dim was both a relief and a
      disappointment after the mad bustle of Hunghung; it's the most
      isolated major city in the Empire, so in other words old-fashioned
      in the least pleasant ways. Nothing but paddies, pyjamaed peasants,
      and...well, nothing else, really. The Sum Dim cuisine is different,
      though. Very, very spicy and based mostly on clay-pot cooking, with
      a gooey gluey bubbliness that reminds me of the Ankh. Not Ankh-
      Morpork, just the Ankh. Occasionally things bubble up to the surface
      of the pot, and I swear I saw far too many legs on some of them.
      Cert and I managed to learn a fair bit of conversational Agatean
      over the weeks, but out here we might as well not have bothered
      because the Sum dialect is almost a different language. Luckily,
      they do feed musicians -- but if I hadn't had my lute and my new
      koto with me, things would've got awfully hungry. We only stayed for
      two nights, then hit the road with hope in our hearts. I think we
      should have tried to hire a guide...

      ***

      Lost the road in the dark last night. Nothing but plains and
      foothills. At least foothills means mountains soon, and mountains
      mean mountain pass, right?

      It's getting very cold at night. Almost feel nostalgic for those
      flying carpets.

      ***

      The landscape is getting...strange. Cert got a vintage thaumometer
      as a gift from Doctor Teeth. I don't know much about magickal
      devices, but I'm sure it shouldn't be glowing octarine *all* the
      time.

      ***

      Landscape even stranger. Still nothing but foothills. We seem to
      have wandered into old Mage Wars ground. Thaumometer exploded this
      morning. At least I think it was morning. Um.

      ***

      Dictating shrtmth definitly Magewars wyrd trees feelin fnny gtting
      hrdr to spe-


      -- Alc

      ---

      Note for Roundworlders: the original lyrics for One Night in
      Bangkok can be found at
      http://www.metrolyrics.com/one-night-in-bangkok-lyrics-murray
      -head.html

      or http://tinyurl.com/2pnjg4

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      17) THE NEW DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE

      by Lady Anaemia Asterisk

      THE STARS ARE ALIVE...

      ...with the sound of music! Sweet, sweet music. Do you like... soul
      music? Well, here are the answers to all your questions about "Which
      musical instruments are the best choices to play for people born
      under my Sign?" With the aid of astrology, you'll soon be making
      joyful noises with nimble fingers, mobile mouths, tantalisingly
      tripping tongues, and even greased elbows and fortunately
      fortitudinous feet. Whether your passion is for polite chamber
      music, wildly cultural folkfests, emotionally deranged full-tilt
      orchestral mayhem, or even Music with Rocks In, knowing *your*
      predestined instrument will set you well on the path to harmonious
      vicissitudinal virtuosity. Let the stars make you a star!

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      The Adamant Hedgehog 21 Mar - 20 Apr

      Your musical instruments: organ, piano, harpsichord

      Hoggers are typically bombastic, and nothing says bombast quite like
      the wheezing, groaning, majestic thunder of a pipe organ in full
      throttle. Especially if it's that king of keyboard instruments, the
      Mighty Hurlitzer! Originally designed by B.S. Johnson for the
      infamous Uberwaldean ivory-thumper Herr Doktor Antonius "the
      Indomitable" Vybes, the Mighty Hurlitzer can achieve tones that turn
      bones to water, tones that can only be heard by small woodland
      animals, and the sort of volume usually associated with avalanches
      and newborn volcanoes. You'll be the life -- and possibly death --
      of every party, and people certainly won't laugh when you sit down
      at the keyboard!

      Those of you with gentler temperaments might prefer the piano
      (easier to move, requires less steam), the harpsichord (dramatic but
      reasonably quiet), the harmonium (result of a terrible accident
      involving a piano-accordion, a treadmill and a bicycle pump, and
      simultaneously providing music and good healthy exercise), or the
      virginal, which often isn't.

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      Gahoolie, the Vase of Tulips 21 Apr - 21 May

      Your musical instruments: harp, dulcimer

      Gahoolie rules the corpus callosum, sacrum and stiff upper lip, and
      you'll find all of these are vital for a good harpist, because harp
      playing requires superb full-brain coordination, perfect posture,
      and above all, the ability to never crack a smile. The harp is a
      stately instrument, twice the height of the average Dwarf (but much
      lighter than a Hogger's pipe organ); its silken strings have been
      known to soothe the troubled brows of kings, herald the marriages of
      important personages, and even, at least in the case of the
      legendary battle harp of Owen Mwnyy, play themselves in times of
      danger...although playing with yourself is not always the best
      course of action in times of danger.

      The dulcimer is another ancient instrument, more portable than the
      harp and with far fewer strings, requiring the messy death of far
      fewer cats. There are several varieties: the Lancrastian dulcimer,
      related to the zither and easily adapted to folk music; the hammer
      dulcimer, an oblong-or-eldritch box of strings that are hammered or
      beaten (rather like playing the piano with mallets); and the
      NoThingfjord langeleik, a droning dulcimer that makes possibly the
      most depressing sounds ever heard, but that's appropriate for the
      frozen wastes of NoThingfjord. Less musically-gifted Gahooligans may
      prefer the Tsortean monochordon. You can't go too far wrong with
      only one string!

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      Herne the Hunted 22 May - 21 Jun

      Your musical instruments: flute, tin whistle, ocarina

      Flutes have been played ever since our ancestors discovered how to
      make holes in mammoth bones after the mammoths were done using them,
      and the flute - or Pan pipe - is traditionally associated with both
      Herne the Hunted himself and astrological Hernians. In modern times,
      posh flutes are made of brass, silver or even gold, but over the
      millennienniennia flutes have been made from such diverse materials
      as wood, tin, bamboo, bears, sapient pearwood, and even the
      shinbones of that annoying chap in the next-door cave. They can be
      played by blowing into one end, or by blowing across the side; they
      can even be blown through the nose. No, seriously, although it's
      recommended that one never, ever make a nose flute from sapient
      pearwood. You just don't want to think about what might go wrong.

      The ocarina, a charming ethnic instrument from the Tezuman Empire,
      is a gourd-shaped clay object with a hole for blowing into and
      several other holes for tuning. The stone ocarina was originally
      used to accompany ritual sacrifices to Quetzovercoatl, but since
      Tezuman religion entered its blood-free phase, wandering bands of
      Tezumen cross the Disc to busk at markets, hangings and other
      colourful public gatherings and are famed for their tuneful peeping
      and failure to disembowel any members of the audience whatsoever. A
      related instrument, the Howondaland double-chambered flutarina, is
      made of wood. The best-known ocarina composer, Sir Oliphant
      Buckerchutty, even wrote a concerto for ocarina, eunuchs, garden
      gloves and rubber trout, and his ghost is said to haunt the further
      reaches of Short Street, piping mournfully on windy nights.

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      The Wizard's Staff and Knob 22 Jun - 22 Jul

      Your musical instruments: harmonica, guitar

      The Wizard's Staff and Knob rules the mouth, tongue and index
      finger, so what better instrument for you Staffies than one that
      requires fine oral dexterity? This is a relatively modern
      instrument, first created by Borogravian clockmaker Martin Hooter in
      the early Century of the Fruitbat, but its haunting tones soon
      spread across the Plains States and were brought to popularity by
      the coming of Music with Rocks In. It's an easy instrument to play,
      because listeners have difficulty telling whether or not it's in
      tune with the band. B.S. Johnson famously tried his hand at
      designing a chromatic harmonica; it now serves as a foghorn to warn
      ships straying too close to the Holy Wood coast.

      Ah, the guitar. Descended from the noble harp via the wrong side of
      the sheets, this complex and daunting instrument with its rich range
      of chords and melody lines has spurred the rise of the one-being
      band! More portable than a harp, lighter than a piano, strung with
      finest Agatean silk and strongest Ankh-Morpork steel, this is an
      instrument fit for a virtuoso...sadly, its fate is more often to be
      attacked by an amateur, frequently the sort of amateur who wears
      strange baggy clothing, can't see the strings for all his hair, and
      fancies himself a bard. Still, it's a great way to pull the ladies.
      On no account EVER play Pathway to Paradise, unless you want your
      musical career to be short, nasty and full of angry trolls.

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      Bilious, God of Hangovers 23 Jul - 23 Aug

      Your musical instruments: lute, balalaika

      It is my unhappy lot to inform you unhappy lot that there is no
      musical instrument that can be made from grapes. But as the lute is
      traditionally paired with wine, women and song, or at least wine,
      song and hangovers, it's the best instrument for Bilians who wish to
      lament their sorry state of oenophilic servitude. The lute, with its
      fine Bardic history, is beloved by bards everywhere (even our own
      Weird Alice) and even more beloved by romantic suitors all across
      the multiverse; it typically has several sets of double strings and
      is made entirely of wood -- although the Omnian Odd, a related
      instrument, was historically made from the shell of a desert
      tortoise. Lutes are also the favoured instruments of the Monks of
      Cool, because one doesn't have to be any good at playing it -- just
      lounging louchely with a lute confers instant coolth on most
      lutists. The best lutes on the Disc are those made by Lex Luthier,
      who even produces a special Bilian model, the only lute to feature
      its own sick-bag.

      Let me hear your balalaikas ringing out! The balalaika, famous
      local-colour instrument of the Hubland steppes, has only three
      strings and can certainly ring! The Horse People use them to play
      their fearsome war-songs on the hoof; the Borogravian State
      Orchestra considers the balalaika one of the few noisemaking devices
      *not* abominated by Nuggan; and the composers Boris Furtivov and
      Pavel Notsopinko collaborated on a balalaika concerto that is played
      to this day wherever people in gloomy trousers long for the freezing
      steppes...on cold nights in Ankh-Morpork, the plaintive yet stirring
      sounds of allcomers' balalaika competitions ring out across the city
      from the Hublandish ghetto up by Dolly Sisters. A perfect hangover
      instrument!

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      Mubbo the Hyena 24 Aug - 23 Sept

      Your musical instruments: drums, spoons, kitchen percussion

      The Sign of Mubbo rules the sword -- or plough -- hand of Mubboons
      and is the Sign of barbarian heroes, actors and Fools, so drumming
      is the surest way for you to get rid of all that astro-illogically
      pent-up aggression. Everyone knows a drummer is the life and soul of
      parties. Also, no-one will ever know when you're out of tune, and as
      few people can keep accurate time with their hands and feet, they'll
      all be dancing to whatever rhythm you set for them. What's more, you
      can practise your drumming anywhere, with or without drums - on
      cushions, on wet sheets hanging on washing lines, on the cat, even
      on nothing at all (see Buddy Poor's bestselling book Confessions of
      an Air Drummer). Every country and every culture has its own native
      drums, from the round, flat Llamedosian hound-skin drum (the
      bowwowran) to the minuscule Oi Dong temple drum (played with one
      hand, of course) to the majestic .99 Zlobenian martial kettledrum
      (which can achieve true subsonics and is also useful as an
      alternative to explosives in quarrying).

      Spoons make an excellent alternative to drums: for a start, you can
      find them in every kitchen, so no purchase is necessary. Also,
      playing the spoons qualifies as an automatic prayer to Anoia, so
      you'll never have to worry about sticking drawers again! Formal
      spoon-playing originated in the upper reaches of Lancre, where bored
      shepherds would rhythmically click pairs of sheep's rib-bones
      together around the evening campfire (not, obviously, whilst
      attached to living sheep); this is why spoon-playing is referred to
      as "playing the bones". In fact, any kitchen can be a veritable
      arsenal of makeshift percussion. Serious kitchen percussionists will
      want to investigate the purchase of Bad Blintz bottled medicinal
      spring water, as the bottles have a particularly euphonic tone.

      ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

      -------------------------------------------------------------------------
      End of Part 5, continued on Part 6 of 6.
      If you did not get all six parts, write: interact@...
      -------------------------------------------------------------------------
      Copyright (c) 2007 by Klatchian Foreign Legion
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