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WOSSNAME -- OCTOBER 2007 -- PART 6 OF 6

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  • Not A Granny
    WOSSNAME - OCTOBER 2007 -- PART 6 OF 6 (continued) ... oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo ====Part 6 - HOROSCOPE CONTINUED, AND CLOSE 19)
    Message 1 of 1 , Oct 26, 2007
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      WOSSNAME - OCTOBER 2007 -- PART 6 OF 6 (continued)
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      ====Part 6 - HOROSCOPE CONTINUED, AND CLOSE

      19) YOUR MONTHLY HOROSCOPE, CONTINUED -- DEC>MAR
      20) CLOSE

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      19) HOROSCOPE, CONTINUED

      Hoki the Jokester 22 Dec - 20 Jan

      Your most suitable philosophies: Commercialism; the Way of Ogg

      Commercialism, as propounded by the great sage (and onion) C.M.O.T.
      Dibbler, informs us that life is all about seizing opportunity and
      offering it to others at a discount. This philosophy, based on one
      of lifekind's oldest activities, can be deeply humanistic and
      altruistic if properly practised in the manner of its founder; his
      understanding of the fundamentally intertwined nature of both
      sausage and sizzle promotes uncrushable optimism and the realisation
      that, even if contents are disappointing compared to their packaging
      and sales pitch, there is always another package and always a chance
      that the Great Pie of Life will eventually contain Named Meat.
      Practising Commercialists may appear to be selling shoddy goods in a
      dishonest manner, but their modest profits facilitate a subtextual
      payback of bringing the community closer together -- strangers and
      even enemies commiserating over the wobbly green bits -- and helping
      people count their blessings -- "thank gods my wife/mother/
      apprentice can cook better than *that*". And Commercialist Masters
      can always get it for you wholesale, which certainly beats the sound
      of one hand clapping.

      The Way of Ogg is the oldest philosophy known to Mankind, yet it is
      the only one ever to address the questions and practices of
      Womankind and provide specific answers. A practising Oggist, or
      Oggess, knows that what the world is really all about is a vast
      appetite for living and loving (especially the latter), a vast
      capacity for good food and drink (especially the latter), a vast
      openness of mind, and the power of a low-cut bodice. The wisdom of
      Ogg teaches us that all creatures great and small (especially men)
      are open to suggestion, and that suggestive suggestion is the
      quickest path to getting all sorts of things open (especially low-
      cut bodices). Oggists believe in family values (especially the value
      of having a large family, as that guarantees an eventual army of
      interchangeable nameless daughters-in-law to take care of your
      housework) and forgiveness (as long as it doesn't involve family
      squabbles), and firmly believe that when faced with any of life's
      Big Questions, the best position to take is always the horizontal.

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      The Rather Large Gazunda 21 Jan - 18 Feb

      Your most suitable philosophies: the Word of Wen; Sumtin Zen

      The Word of Wen was first brought into the world by Wen the
      Eternally Surprised after a very interesting one-night stand with
      Time (the anthropomorphic personification, that is, and since they
      produced offspring, it must have been *Mother* Time, which just goes
      to show that some stories do get the details awfully skewed). The
      Word itself is probably "quantum", but what his message means is
      that the universe is re-created in every instant, that memory is the
      only Past, and that if you get the hang of mutable realities you can
      change history, save the world *and* do some seriously nifty moves
      on the karate mat. Followers of Wen seek enlightenment through
      seeing things as they really are but testing the probable truth of
      all information, remembering that there is more sameness than
      contrast in the history of the sentient races, cherishing the
      constant newness of everything around them, recognising that
      appearances can deceive, and respecting those who have a greater and
      longer store of memories -- in other words, just like the Way of Mrs
      Cosmopilite but offering more dojo mojo.

      The philosophy of Sumtin is existentialist, surrealist,
      perceptionist, transcendentalist, postmodernist, absurdist,
      nontheist, ultra-humanist, pre-prescriptivist and quite possibly
      plain daft, and its sub-school of Sumtin Zen is all that with extra
      added funny mushrooms. A famous schism, during the battle (or
      debate, or probably debattle) to determine whether Sumtin Zen was a
      philosophy or a religion, caused three major subsects to split off
      into separate disciplines: the Tea'ites believe that all the
      profound secrets of the universe can be found by staring into a good
      hot cuppa; the Goofis believe staunchly in the transcendental power
      of funny-looking desert fungi; and the Munni, who are pretty much
      indistinguishable from Yen Buddhists, believe that the only way to
      satisfy the long night of the soul is to count coins. Lots of coins.
      And then keep them in your bank account.

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      Lesser Umbrage 19 Feb - 20 Mar

      Your most suitable philosophies: Postvitalism; Pedantophilism

      Postvitalism is perhaps the most fervent and proactive of all
      philosophies and stems from the First Principle, "that which does
      kill us makes us stronger." As first taught by Reg Shoe at the Fresh
      Start Club, 668 Elm Street, Ankh-Morpork, Postvitalism posits that
      the confusing nature of life is caused by overexcited (that is to
      say, living) glands, and that therefore life can be truly understood
      and lived to its fullest (so to speak) only by the Undead. Adherents
      of Postvitalism tend to be strangely excitable for the glandless,
      but they are nonviolent and love nothing more than a good debate.
      However, there are not many followers, and none who deliberately
      died to find such enlightenment; this is one philosophy that only
      successfully preaches to those already in the choir.

      Pedantophilism, which does not mean what you think it means, is the
      school of philosophy that seeks enlightenment in, well, enlighten-
      ment. Pedantophiles, also known as Bibliophiles (which also does not
      mean what you think it means) and Didacts (sometimes Peripatetic
      Didacts), believe that a little learning is a dangerous thing but a
      lot of learning leads to enlightenment (and, sometimes, tenure). The
      followers of Pedantophilism lead a life of simplicity, penury and
      assiduous work (though with no heavy lifting, except when a
      consignment of textbooks has to be hoicked into the cart). Their
      motto is "Libertis via Logos", which means "browse through the
      contents of a library and you'll end up much smarter than a short
      plank", and the ultimate goal of a Pedantophile is to achieve wisdom
      through memorising at least one complete edition of the
      Uncyclopaedia Morporkia.

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      20) AND IT'S GOODNIGHT FROM HER

      That wraps it up for this month's issue. I hope everyone has a happy
      Hallowe'en and a great November. See you next month!

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      Copyright (c) 2007 by Klatchian Foreign Legion
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