WOSSNAME -- OCTOBER 2007 -- PART 4 OF 6
- WOSSNAME - OCTOBER 2007 -- PART 4 OF 6 (continued)
====Part 4 - MORE WEIRD ALICE AND HOROSCOPE
16) WEIRD ALICE CLACKS LOG, CONTINUED
17) YOUR MONTHLY HOROSCOPE: PHILOSOPHY
16) CLACKS LOG, CONTINUED
Third Clog: "Untitled"
I'm sure I heard Cert say the M word in his sleep last night. Not
the one you can't say in the UU library, the other M word. Oh dear.
I know he's tall and dark and nice and we...um. I hope he doesn't
remember his dreams.
Fourth Clog: "Home is where the harp is"
I got a clacks from home! It was waiting at the Genuan clacks office
for weeks, and then someone noticed that I'd clacksed from
Djelibeybi and sent it on and it ended up somehow at the Clacks
Restante office in Tsort, how excellent is that? It's from Mr
Kakhand at The Sore Loser: he says that the harp I ordered from
Llamedos by post seven years ago has finally arrived. Huzzah! I've
replied asking him to store it in the back room, not too close to
the scumble barrels, until I get back. He also says he reads all my
Clogs out to the regular customers -- I hope he leaves out the
really personal parts -- and that they're very well received, and
that I can have a pay rise when I come back if I'm still willing to
sing in a sleepy little local tavern. Oh, and Semolina is working
full-time now at the Lost Wages branch of the Seamstresses' Guild
and doing very well, and no-one interesting has died in the town
recently. It's good to get news from home.
Cert and I have decided that we're all Tsorted out now and ready to
move on to somewhere else. There's a Chidders ship leaving for the
Ell Kinte coast and points Rimwards tomorrow night, so we'll take
passage and see what turns up next. But we can't leave Tsort without
seeing the Labyrinth yet, even if it's completely touristy now and
all the death-traps have been replaced with papier mache models, so
we're joining the early tour first thing tomorrow morning.
The night is young. Time to get drunk and look for earplugs.
This should be an interesting morning. Everyone has a hangover, even
the six tour guides. At least we'll be underground...
Note to Gimpy in shortmouth: Split off from main tour party. Found
mysterious door in unmarked tunnel. Very old door. Curious. Trying
to open -- open now, going to see where it goes --
It seems we've ended up in Ankh-Morpork. In Empirical Crescent.
Number 17, according to the front door. Amazing! Going out to
It seems the front door leads to Howondaland.
Got back through the front door just ahead of a tiger. Trying the
back door now.
It seems the back door leads to Cori Celesti. Leaving RIGHT NOW
before the Gods notice they have unauthorised visitors!
Dark now. Getting hungry and thirsty. Decided to try the front door
again, just in case it's changed. Fingers crossed...
We're in Bes Pelargic!
And you'll never guess who else is here..
Note for Roundworlders: the original lyrics for That's the Way (I
Like It), by KC & the Sunshine Band, can be found at the band's
official website: http://www.kcsbonline.com/
Be warned, it's no less brain-melting in Roundworldese. Fun song,
17) THE NEW DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE
by Lady Anaemia Asterisk
A GLASS OF WINE, A BAR OF SOAP, AND STARS
Well now, it's good to be back! After spending several days of last
month locked in a cupboard by an esbat of young witches, the sight
of my charts and sextant and orrery were welcome indeed. I should
have paid more attention to my own horoscope and taken that holiday
in Quirm...mind you, what's done is done, and it's best to be
philosophical about it. And by coincidence, this month's Horoscope
is all about philosophy. What path of wisdom is the best for you to
follow when you're born under a wandering star: the wisdom of the
Ancients, or the fresh newly-minted-and-sometimes-suspect wisdom of
the Moderns? What is philosophy, anyway? What is the meaning of
life? What is the airspeed of an unladen Pointless Albatross? Will
there be custard? Only the heavens know.
The Adamant Hedgehog 21 Mar - 20 Apr
Your most suitable philosophies: Ibidism; Ridiculism
The Ephebian philosopher Ibid derived the belief that the universe
is simple, basic and follows fundamental rules, and from this given
comes Ibidism. He also believed in a lot of shouting, especially at
other philosophers, so Ibidism is the perfect philosophy for
Hoggers; you do love your shouting, don't you... The precepts of
Ibidism are: remain rational, learn by observation, trust in the
principle of cause and effect, and always get someone else to do
your work for you, preferably a rival philosopher.
There are two schools of Ridiculism. One was founded by Ly Tin
Wheedle of the Agatean Empire, an aged and rather smelly sage (more
garlic than onion, and definitely a strong hint of ginger) who
believed that all questions should be answered in the longest, most
complex and obfuscatory manner and that a simple yes or no should
never be given when a convoluted and nonsensical aphorism will do
(especially when you're the sort of sage who charges by the hour);
this school of philosophy is wildly popular, particularly among
university students, helpdesk operators, medical practitioners and
elected civic officials.
The other school of Ridiculism, which is perennially engaged in a
legal battle for rights to the name, was set forth by Piotr Sodov
Zupnatzi of Uberwald; according to Herr Zupnatzi, true enlightenment
can only be achieved through the humility one feels after being
thoroughly, vituperatively and undeservedly insulted, and he carried
out a tireless one-man campaign to bring enlightenment to all until
his mission was sadly cut short by the pointed end of a pitchfork
wielded by a large and irate civic official. Strangely enough, this
other school of philosophy is also wildly popular, particularly
among middle management, sergeants, and the street traders of Ankh-
Gahoolie, the Vase of Tulips 21 Apr - 21 May
Your most suitable philosophies: the Way of Mrs Cosmopilite; Call of
One of the most modern schools of philosophy, the Way of Mrs
Cosmopilite nonetheless resonates with ancient wisdom: this is
because, as the Mrs herself would say, it's as plain as the nose on
your face. Her homely sayings echo the deep thoughts of Wen the
Eternally Surprised, and despite her never having travelled beyond
the gates of Ankh-Morpork (well, once, but that was just for
business purposes), her canny exhortations cover all eventualities
and are proof that homegrown wisdom does sometimes come from far
away. If you remember that Seeing is Believing, but Don't Believe
Everything you Hear; if you remember that We're All Pretty Much the
Same, and that the Leopard Does Not Change his Shorts; if you
remember that Tomorrow is Another Day, and that the Grass is Always
Greener Over the Hill; and especially if you remember that you're No
Better than you Should Be, following the Way of Mrs Cosmopilite will
bring you true peace and enlightenment.
The Call of the Wiled is a rather specialist discipline of
philosophy. A combination of psychological torture techniques,
martial arts (in the rather all-encompassing sense of the term that
involves things red in tooth and claw rather than white in gi and
dojo), self-motivation and supposedly clever strategy, most often
cited as the "only true path to strength and purity", the Call first
came to Wolf von Uberwald and his followers in the mountain
fastnesses of his home country but has spread across the Disc into
all manner of unfortunate places. The Call of the Wiled teaches that
life is a game (and the game is War), that the strongest and most
merciless will become the Master Race, and that the victor always
takes the spoils and spoils the rest. Very popular with non-
enlightened dictators, corporate executives and competition ice
Herne the Hunted 22 May - 21 Jun
Your most suitable philosophies: Xenoism; the Path of the Sweeper
Xeno of Ephebe believed that the world is complex, random and
impossible to understand or predict, no matter what Ibid thinks.
Taking their cue from the Great Thinker, Xenoists believe that true
enlightenment comes only from being attuned to the basic nature of
the Cosmic All, and since the Cosmic All is chaotic and whimsical,
practising Xenoists dedicate themselves to irresponsibility, mood
swings and never remembering to take out the rubbish. Xenoists claim
that there is no good and no evil in the universe, only a series of
unreliable impulses and meaningless but sometimes amusing
accidents, so there's no point in trying to make sense of anything;
they rarely show up on time for appointments, but they do make
surprisingly good pinball players.
The Path of the Sweeper, as created by Lu-Tze of the History Monks,
is a deep and complex school of thought that is nevertheless
accessible to all (so long as you remember both Rule One and Rule
Nineteen). Lu-Tze holds that every seeker of wisdom must first find
a teacher and then find a Way. The general principles of the Path of
the Sweeper (and a very clean path it is) require no special
equipment and can be summed up by: never reveal the full extent of
your knowledge or abilities; always obey the spirit of the law,
because the letter of the law is usually laid down by people who
aren't thinking ahead; always recognise the difference between an
opportunity to show off and a genuine emergency; never forget to
appreciate the little details; and always use short firm strokes,
letting your broom do the work for you. This last precept can be
applied in all sorts of surprising places, especially by little
smiling wrinkly bald men who are obviously unarmed.
End of Part 4, continued on Part 5 of 6.
If you did not get all six parts, write: interact@...
Copyright (c) 2007 by Klatchian Foreign Legion