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  • Not A Granny
    WOSSNAME - SEPTEMBER 2007 -- PART 8 OF 8 (continued) ... oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo ====Part 8 - WEIRD ALICE, BOOK REVIEW AND CLOSE
    Message 1 of 1 , Sep 29 8:17 PM
      WOSSNAME - SEPTEMBER 2007 -- PART 8 OF 8 (continued)


      30) WITCHES WEY-HEY!



      Assistant editor's note: although Weird Alice is technically not a
      witch, she is the resident Bard of this publication and possessed of
      -- and some might say by -- strange powers, so we are including her
      Clacks Log. However, only in abbreviated form. Or as Annagramma put
      it, 'All right, she can have her bit, but it's not to be as long as
      the important parts.' So I've edited this Log down to the lyrics of
      one of Alice's tales of her current holiday location. -- T.A.


      by Weird Alice Lancrevic

      As I walk through the valley of the Source of the Djel
      I'm looking back on my trip and realise I've done well
      Cause now I've put Djelibeybi on the map
      Stars of the Djel have become a tourist trap
      These people never crossed a Pharaoh although most deserved it
      They were treated with contempt, you know they were servants
      They were too priest-watched for free thought
      And scared down to their socks
      But now there's Queen Ptraci, and the lady rocks
      Old Dios' pyramids pauperised too well
      Once religious artefacts - now they're just hotels...Djel!
      I'm the kinda Bard Ankh-Morpork poets want to be like
      All my songs come out right, ending verses with a near-rhyme

      Hey, my hieroglyphic Id's
      Living in a Djel star's pyramid
      Capstone nightly blows its lid
      Living in a Djel star's pyramid
      I do like the Pharaohs did
      Living in a Djel star's pyramid
      Only costs me twenty quid
      Living in a Djel star's pyramid

      I've got this situation, heat makes me brazen
      I can't be a normal wife, I'm too crazed for the gigs
      So I gotta get down from the D'regs scene
      Too much sand and camel watching desiccates my dreams
      I'm an educated Bard with career on my mind
      Got a pen in my hand and an imp standing by
      I'm a lost Lancrastian, Disc-trekking hasty 'un
      And my carpet's broke down, it's sitting in the hangar - Djel!
      Death is watching but my lifetimer's fine
      I'm living large on the Djel, this Grand Sneer's mine
      Just Cert and me, it's as magical as seven plus one
      As strange as it's turning, we'll have fun

      Tell me why are we
      In Djelibeybi
      When the action's on
      The Circle Sea?

      Hey, my hieroglyphic Id's
      Living in a Djel star's pyramid
      Working for the highest bids
      Living in a Djel star's pyramid
      I will never hit the skids
      Living in a Djel star's pyramid
      Signing autographs for kids
      In my penthouse Djel star's pyramid

      Flowers of the desert, dessert made of flour
      Hanging out with Ptraci, paradise is ours
      Got a massive fanbase though half of them are mummies
      What can you do in the desert but witty songs for dummies?
      I'm learning ancient Djeli, Ashk-ur-men-tep has taught me
      I can read old inscriptions - some bits, quite naughty

      We'll go to Tsort
      We'll go to Leshp
      Hit every port
      That's how we'll find those pleasures of the flesh - Djel!

      Hey, my hieroglyphic Id's
      Living in a Djel star's pyramid
      Capstone nightly blows its lid
      Living in a Djel star's pyramid
      We do like the Pharaohs did
      In a mod-cons Djel star's pyramid
      Only costs us twenty quid
      Living in a Djel star's pyramid

      Tell me why are we
      In Djelibeybi
      When the action's on
      The Circle Sea?
      Tell me why are we
      In Djelibeybi
      When in Hersheba there's
      Gigs for me?

      Note for Roundworlders: the lyrics for Gangsta's Paradise can be
      found at: http://tinyurl.com/3224rr



      by Steven D'Aprano

      When I first saw "Wit and Wisdom", I expected it would be rather
      like one of those "sigfile" collections of short quotations, one-
      liners and assorted bons mots that some of the more... obsessive...
      *cough* Discworld fans collect, only with fewer spelling errors. As
      one of those obsessive Discworld fans myself, I'm always on the
      look-out for resources that allow me to complete my collection of
      quotes, so W&W seemed like a dream come true. No, not the one with
      the twins and the bathtub filled with potato salad, that's
      Rincewind's dream. The other one.

      W&W is certainly an impressive-looking book, with a nicely pre-aged
      fake-leather-bound look. Your Humble Reviewer's better half hates
      dust jackets with the passion that most people save for mass
      murderers and mime artists, but even she has said that she actually
      likes it. High praise indeed.

      In keeping with the old-fashioned book cover, ruled borders around
      the pages, scrolls and vignettes at the start of chapters and so
      forth, the book pages are rough-cut, as books used to be before
      printers learnt about "measure twice, cut once". Although it's a
      little impractical for turning pages, it's surprisingly attractive
      and brings to mind first editions of Pepys or perhaps Boswell. It's
      a funny thing that while actual incompetence is hardly a plus,
      deliberately stylish incompetence is. (Not that I've actually seen a
      first edition Pepys, of course, but I know what one should look
      like. And if the reality is different, well boo hiss to reality.)

      W&W is subtitled "Favorite Quotations from the Famous Discworld
      Universe, as filtered somewhat erratically through the mind of the
      Distinguished Scholar and Scribe T. Pratchett. Esq.", but it has
      also been filtered rather idiosyncratically through the mind of the
      Stephen Briggs. As Briggs admits in the introduction, he hasn't
      tried to include every gag or notable scene, since to do that he'd
      need to include the entire collection of Discworld novels in full.
      That unfortunately leads to some rather puzzling (at least to Your
      Humble Reviewer's mind) omissions, such as the scene in Jingo where
      71-Hour Ahmed reminds Vimes, and the Roundworld reader, that
      positive racism is just as racist as the more familiar sort. When
      Vimes refuses to believe that Prince Cadram had ordered his own
      brother's assassination, Ahmed answers:

      'Be generous, Sir Samuel. Truly treat all men equally. Allow
      Klatchians the right to be scheming bastards, hmm?'

      or the wonderful description of elves from Lords and Ladies:

      Elves are wonderful. They provoke wonder.
      Elves are marvellous. They cause marvels.
      Elves are fantastic. They create fantasies.
      Elves are glamorous. They project glamour.
      Elves are enchanting. They weave enchantment.
      Elves are terrific. They beget terror.

      The thing about words is that meanings can twist just like a snake,
      and if you want to find snakes look for them behind words that have
      changed their meaning.

      No one ever said elves are *nice*.
      Elves are *bad*.

      But considering that W&W had to condense no fewer than thirty-six
      Discworld novels into a single book and leave room for an index,
      it's no surprise that there are a few things left out. (And beware,
      it includes quotes from Making Money, which may catch some people by

      There's a certain type of Discworld fan (who probably has a badge
      saying "Ask Me About Discworld") who would buy anything by Mr. T.
      Pratchett Esq., or about him, or even vaguely associated with him.
      But for the rest of you, the big question is, "Should I hand over my
      hard-earned cash, wot I slaved for weeks down the treacle mines for,
      in exchange for The Wit and Wisdom of Discworld?". The answer to
      that is, in my opinion, a provisional Yes. There's nothing *new* in
      W&W, naturally, so if you've got a eidetic memory you won't get much
      value from it. Likewise, if you've created your own concordance of
      the entire Discworld corpus, fully indexed by keyword, character and
      subject, you should keep your money, and use it to get a life. As a
      book of quotations, I suspect it would probably be more useful to
      have been broken up by topic rather than by story. But there's an
      index, which seems reasonably complete to my cursory glance.

      If you're looking for a pleasant book to curl up on the sofa with,
      something to while away an hour or so, just enough to tickle the
      funny bone a tad, or to reminisce about some of the best bits of
      Discworld, you'd do well with W&W. It's far more practical for
      taking to Discworld-themed parties than the entire collection, and
      it makes a handy reference book for looking up the quotes that Mr.
      Briggs thought were important. For the others, there's always the

      I wouldn't describe W&W as a Must Have, but I would call it a Nice
      To Have. I wouldn't camp overnight in front of the store to buy it,
      but I would definitely buy it!

      The Wit and Wisdom of Discworld
      by Terry Pratchett
      Compiled by Stephen Briggs

      available from 25 September 2007
      To buy from HarperCollins:


      30) AND SO...

      We hope you enjoyed our modest efforts and that all was
      understandable and not in contravention of your Roundworld's
      customs. And now the door between dimensions is closing, so this is
      us, pinning our pointy hats firmly to our heads and-


      End of Part 8.
      If you did not get all eight parts, write: interact@...
      Copyright (c) 2007 by Klatchian Foreign Legion
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