WOSSNAME -- SEPTEMBER 2007 -- PART 7 OF 8
- WOSSNAME - SEPTEMBER 2007 -- PART 7 OF 8 (continued)
====Part 7 - WITCHSTROLOGY
27) WITCHSTROLOGY: YOUR NEW DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE
27) THE NEW DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE
by Lucy Tockley
with assistance from Various Wytches
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR LOCAL WITCH CAN DO FOR YOU...
...ask what you can do for your local witch! Hello, Lucy Tockley
here, Diamanda as was. As you probably know, Mistress Weatherwax
banned me from witching after the Royal Wedding, and now that we
have our own Witch Queen in Lancre and the biggest coven in
generations and even young witches coming to visit from foreign
places like the Chalk, I suppose things are getting too crowded for
the elder witches to keep an eye on me. So I've been banned from
witching and from going up on the moors and especially from dancing
(especially dancing in the altogether, although I have to say that I
still have the figure for it), and these days I have to do what Her
Highness -- Queen Magrat, I mean, not Mistress Weatherwax -- calls
"community service" and that witchfinder Miss Tick from foreign
parts calls "sublimation of unseemly impulses". So here I am, having
to collect horoscopes from the coven and, you know, edit them. And
I'm not even allowed to wear special clothing or occult jewellery
until I'm at least 30. I think that's especially unfair because I
*have* learnt a few things, you know, but Mrs Ogg says that Mistress
Weatherwax has learnt rather a few *more* things than I have and
knows what's best and that if *I'd* known what was best I wouldn't
have caused all that trouble in the first place.
But that's all water through the Gorge now. Anyway, I've been
studying the history of witching in the Ramtops and compared to Olde
Tymes we have a very viable and admirable crop of young witches now.
Valuable enough to be considered as a national resource (some of us
here do have enough education to know what a national resource is).
So I urge you to consider the value of your local witch, and how you
can repay her for her services. In goods, of course. Witches don't
do money, unless they're Mrs Earwig.
Enjoy your horoscope. By witches, for witches. Blessed be.
The Adamant Hedgehog 21 Mar - 20 Apr
by Lucy Warbeck
As the Adamant Hedgehog approaches the cusp of Ramjambalam again,
this is a good month for, like, practising your swimming whilst
fully clothed. Octedays are an auspicious time for working on
escaping from those tricky knots, the ones tied by villagers who
haven't, like, read their Magavenatio. The stars also favour
attempts to achieve a personal best at holding one's breath
Recommended gifts: good quality string, unspoilt feathers, old
buttons, assorted cheap trinkets, and eggs, for, like, shamble-
making; dried field rations; small scissors; waterproof boots.
Gahoolie, the Vase of Tulips 21 Apr - 21 May
by Dimity Hubbub
At mid-month any experimental cure mixtures are unlikely to explode.
Tuesdays favour Wow-Wow Sauce making, but be very careful of the
amount of sulphur you use and employ only silver tongs during the
second quarter of the moon. When Euno Hu, major star of Gahoolie, is
brightest (around the 21st), use clear days for rock collecting.
Avoid salad greens when the moon is dark. If romance is in the air,
be sure to ask for diamonds, as they have many practical uses around
the home and are good for grinding things for pastes. The 11th is a
good day for hat maintenance, but avoid fires.
Recommended gifts: interesting minerals; silver tongs; family herbal
recipes (for testing); turnips; hatpins, because a good strong
hatpin can avert so many embarrassing pyrotic accidents.
Herne the Hunted 22 May - 21 Jun
by Tiffany Aching
This is a good month for making difficult cheeses, especially during
the new moon. Herne's Horns shine favourably on clotted cream,
though you should be sure to save your best cream for a limited run
of Sto Lat Runny. The third week of the month is a good time to
pointedly avoid romantic entanglements, although really there is
never *any* good time for romantic entanglements if you want to get
things done. On the 13th, 27th and all Octedays, learn a new word.
The stars actually neither know nor care about new words, but these
days are best for stimulating the memory. Practise balance in all
things this month; you never know when it might come in handy.
Recommended gifts: felt, calico and willow branches, for hatmaking;
sheep shears; turpentine.
The Wizard's Staff and Knob 22 Jun - 22 Jul
by Petulia Gristle
A good month for trotter and hoof cures. Medicinal pig-scrubbing
should take place only at moonset to avoid unfavourable influences.
The 10th, 14th, 19th, 22nd and 25th are good for tail examinations.
Reserve mid-month for porcine contraceptive activities. To avoid
Spavined Knuckle, Ear Wriggle, Ruddy Farrow and Rumpstiff, do not
dose your pigs in the last week of the month. The Knob shines
favourably on udders during the three-quarter moon. The 21st is good
for romance, but only if you've tagged your piglets first.
Recommended gifts: ointment and jollop bases; old leather trousers,
the thicker the better; carbolic soap; old chain mail vests.
Bilious, God of Hangovers 23 Jul - 23 Aug
by Agnes Nitt, with interruptions
No matter how many foolish people claim the stars govern your love
life, romance is in the heart, not in the skies. "So says the girl
who has a bedroom full of fluffy soft toys and always casts apple-
peeling spells to find the name of her potential boyfriend, as if."
Use your horoscopes to plan practical chores, for example, the
second Thursday of this month is best for preparing pain-relieving
medicines. "Practical chores are boring. Deep down, you haven't a
practical bone in your body! Mind you, one would have to dig really
deep to find *your* bones." Three-quarter moon is the best time for
broom repairs. "We all know what's going through your mind when you
get a bit of wind up your skirts." Midwives should prepare birth-
encouraging charms between the 12th and 20th, and you can just shut
up, Perdita, thank you very much.
Recommended gifts: preserving jars, especially if they're full of
preserves; throat pastilles; knicker elastic; chocolate, no matter
what Perdita says about the calories.
Mubbo the Hyena 24 Aug - 23 Sept
by Gertruder Tiring
Cookery magic is in your stars this month! Genuan witches favour
gumbo magic, but I always say you can see the future best in a good
rabbit and onion pie. For learning of possible future romance, try a
thick root vegetable stew at quarter-moon. To learn the best time
for early planting, make turnip and broad bean soup on the 15th or
30th. A lightly fried egg at new moon can tell you when money will
cross your path. Avoid reading tea leaves until Mubbo is on the cusp
of Boring, but rose-hip tea gives good results all month. On the
9th, try eels. It's amazing what you can learn from examining a bowl
of boiled eels.
Recommended gifts: small cauldrons; casserole dishes; ramekins; egg
whisks; seeds, particularly savoury potherb seeds.
The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct
by Caramella Bottlethwaite
The stars shine on lettuce this month for all Boring'uns. Lettuce
will bring you luck, but most importantly for those born under this
meek Sign, lettuce asks nothing of those who eat it. It's easy to
chew, unthreatening in flavour, and never ever attacks you when you
try to pick it, unlike the Herbs of a certain elder witch I could
mention but won't. If you feel adventurous at mid-month, try a mild
vinegar dressing on your lettuce. Avoid peas. That's all I have time
for because I have to plant my winter lettuces now.
Recommended gifts: shovels and other garden implements; thick woolly
socks; boots. With hobnails, for preference.
Androgyna Majestis 24 Oct - 22 Nov
by Amanita de Vice
Woe, oh woe! Your stars are terrible this month! All is blackness
and despair, and not only should you not get out of bed, you should
paint everything black and wear extra mascara and eyeliner and hang
your head and wail and moan because life is so awful and nobody
understands the inner pain you feel because you're so sensitive and
artistic and not like anyone else at all, no, really. Yours is a
life of anguish and misunderstoodness and even the very stars
conspire to make your existence an endless desert of misery. I know
how you feel. Blessed be.
Recommended gifts: black ink; long black underwear; black nail
polish; black mascara; washable black tattoo patterns.
Great T'Phon's Foot 23 Nov - 21 Dec
by Harrieta Bilk
D'Jum-Boh, the Grand Trunk star of Great T'Phon's Foot, exerts a
favourable influence this month on clothing and personal adornment.
This is the best time to try out those bold new fashion statements
you were always afraid to make. The second week of the month, and
also the 18th and 22nd, look kindly on puce and carmine. After all,
there's only so much you can do with black, and puce is this month's
black, at least until the 23rd. Decorate your boots at half-moon, in
fact, half-moon decorations would be a good idea. In the second
quarter of the moon, try bat-shaped buttons and unusual hatpins.
It's up to witches to set trends now!
Recommended gifts: dresses, secondhand, in wearable condition.
Remember, it's always a good idea to size your local witch (by
comparison with an approachable non-witch), as garments too large or
too small could result in your being convinced you've become a frog.
Hoki the Jokester 22 Dec - 20 Jan
by Annagramma Hawkin
Fortunate stars shine upon you this month! The Sign of Hoki is
particularly empowering, and if you cast your runes in local ruins
you will become as empowered as the leopard, and I'm telling you
that leopards are very empowered. The stars are very emphatic about
the proper Opening of the Circle at esbat time. The Turnwise winds
carry secrets, and learning secrets is essential for all young
witches; some say witching is best learnt from books, but a witch
who seeks true wisdom will find it in the simple ways of simple
peasant folk, who have plenty of simple peasant wisdom so long as
they have a witch to tell them which bits of their wisdom is wise.
Pay more attention than usual this month to the advice of your local
witch, and don't make her angry. You wouldn't like her when she's
angry. Warts happen.
Recommended gifts: cloaks. Any good spare cloaks in excellent
condition. A Zakzak Stronginthearm Zephyr Billow, for preference.
The Rather Large Gazunda 21 Jan - 18 Feb
by Magenta Frottidge
The Gazunda is back in the House of Hedbangur until the 16th and
moves to the House of Hoose on the 20th, and what better time to
practise your potions? Well, no better time, as it happens. Early
moonlight favours the making of jollops. The second night of the
full moon is good for lotions this month. Charms will work best on
alternate Wednesdays and the third Octeday. Collect herbs and plants
of the woodland during three-quarter moon. Do not make any curatives
that require scumble; best to wait until next month. Avoid ylang-
ylang; replace with Klatchian Migratory Bog Truffle essence or
distillate of suckrose and akwa.
Recommended gifts: candles; dried flowers; essential oils; denatured
alcohol; rare essences of the Aurient.
Lesser Umbrage 19 Feb - 20 Mar
by Lulu Darling
This is an excellent month for magnetism. The special sort of
magnetism that women can practise best and witches don't practise
often enough: forget octiron, we're talking about the magnetism of
romance. Check your stars closely for the best dates for dates -
let's see, this month that would be the 2nd through the 17th and the
24th through the 30th. Hitch your skirts up higher than usual at new
moon, and with luck you'll be able to hitch them higher still. And
never underestimate the power of a low-cut bodice, especially if you
parents gave you the kind of name that just reeks of low-cut bodices
anyway. After all "witch" is fifty per cent of the word
"bewitching", so make the most of what you've got.
Recommended gifts: china and crockery; interesting ornaments;
oysters; red boots; Sonky preventatives.
End of Part 7, continued on Part 8 of 8.
If you did not get all eight parts, write: interact@...
Copyright (c) 2007 by Klatchian Foreign Legion