WOSSNAME - AUGUST 2007 -- PART 6 OF 7 (continued)
====Part 6 - WEIRD ALICE AND HOROSCOPE
20) THE CLACKS LOG OF WEIRD ALICE LANCREVIC (PART 3)
21) YOUR NEW DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE
20) THE CLACKS LOG OF WEIRD ALICE LANCREVIC, CONTINUED
Third clog: "Necessity is one mean mother"
We went back into the Lost City the following morning, since it was
still there. It's really quite beautiful in a ruined lost city kind
of way, and while I can't say I've been too happy with all the
unexpected changes in my travel itinerary I'm glad I got to see Ee.
The buildings, those that haven't fallen down from extreme age, are
very attractive, with lots of weird carvings that wander behind
corners when you try to look at them, and a number of arch-balconied
courtyards in the Al-Khali style I've seen in travel books. I do
wonder what became of the people though. We examined a number of
buildings, including one that looks like it used to be a library,
but the room with the carved figurines was empty this time; the only
thing left in there was a large statue of what looked like petrified
wood. It was carved or sculpted or whatever in the shape of some sort
of many-armed goddess, not one either of us recognised, with knives
in her hands rather like the knives we were now carrying, and a
huge jewel in the centre of her forehead. Just sitting there. Huge.
Possibly a yellow diamond or an octarine -- although if it was an
octarine, it had to be the largest one ever cut. Huge, and just
sitting there. I climbed up onto the plinth (the wood or stone or
whatever was very warm, considering that the room was dim and not
ever likely to see direct sunlight) and took out my dagger and
started to prise it out of the statue's forehead. As one does. I had
it loose and almost ready to come out when Cert looked up from
reading a grimoire and shouted at me to stop.
"Why? This must be worth a fortune. Or will be, when we get back to
someplace with people and jewellers."
"No! That's some sort of holy statue. You know something horrible
will happen if you remove the jewel! It's a law of narrative
"Don't be silly. Cohen the Barbarian does this sort of thing all the
time, they say."
"But you know about the sort of things They say! Something horrible
Huge jewel. Fortune. I decided to ignore him and listen to my inner
avarice. The stone came out very easily after that. It was very
Something horrible happened.
On run from something horrible. Don't know what, but large and
angry. Dictating on run. City crumbling. Shadows moving. The walls.
The walls. The -- Gimpy! Stop stammering, godsdamn you! Everything
starting to tilt, sort of. Lights ahead - ah, the desert! About to
dive through gates, shutting up now!
I'm now dictating in midair. Here's what happened: we made it
through the gates just in time, because immediately afterwards the
whole city started shimmering and wavering and faded out so
completely that it looked as if nothing had ever been
there...except for the shadows. We still had our daggers and Cert
still had a couple of grimoires, but our tent was nowhere to be
found and there was still this feeling of forebodingness in the air.
We walked on for a while, but soon the sun and the heat wore us
right out. "Anything in there that could get us out of this desert?
There must be some way out of here...maybe there's a foldaway
broomstick inside one of the covers..."
"Don't be such a joker," says the man who'd just stolen some
precious ancient books of magick.
There were an awful lot of shadows on the horizon, considering it
was not long past noon.
After a time, during which the shadows kept creeping closer, he did
find a promising spell, which he translated as Fingerpull
Eccluniastes' Instantaneous Troublefree Transporter, and read out
the runes from the ruins in a hurry. There was a flash of light, a
peal of thunder (for effect), a cloud of octarine smoke, and...
"A carpet? A carpet?! I'm not getting on that."
"Suit yourself, if you'd rather be lunch for *that*." I turned in
the direction Cert was pointing, took one look, and here we are on a
flying carpet again. At least it's not too far to Djelibeybi, and
we're both older and wiser.
Over and out.
Shortmouth time: Djelibeybi! Safety! Civilisation! Beds! Indoor
plumbing! Food! Markets! Audience tomorrow with Queen Ptraci!
Shopping now. More later. I'm off to buy socks in the souk.
Note for Roundworlders: the original lyrics for Down Under can
be found at:
(although this is not a totally correct version - but every other
lyrics page for this song on the anternet seems to make the same
21) YOUR NEW - OR OLDE - DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE
THE NEW DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE
by Lady Anaemia Asterisk
THOSE WERE THE DAYES
I recently attended an Astrologers' convention, and one of the
prizes I brought home with me is an actual horoscope from the days -
or dayes - of Ago. And what a fascinating document it do be, my dear
Astropossums! These are the times of Signs and Portents, and so,
apparently, were those. According to my calculations, the Turtle was
well and truly moving, no doubt toward the Red Star as it does every
more-than-a-few centuries, so the people were more at unrest than
usual and more than ever in need of advice from the Stars. I find
this strangely comforting...and strangely lucrative, for those of us
in certain professions. Or Profeffions. The following Horoscope,
which I have faithfully reproduced here, is of course written in
lower middle Middle Morporkian, but if you wade your way through the
extra vowels and the creative spelling and the random permutations
of the letter S, you'll find that people of Ago and their zodiacal
concerns are pretty much the same as those of Now. The more things
change, eh? It is also rather A-M centric, but this is unsurprising,
as in the days of Ago your average Astrologer knew on which side her
profit sheet was buttered, and few Forn customers were likely to pay
Ye Celestial Parsnippe 21 Mar - 20 Apr
Thys will bee a good Monthe for Diverf actyvities around ye Home.
Forget not ye bowle of poisoned Milke for ye Faerys every Octeday.
An handsome Tradefman will call upon thee on ye 18th; an you would
avoid severe Illneff, buye notte his Saufages inna Bunne.
Gahoolie, ye Vase of Tulipf 21 Apr - 21 May
For ye Keepers of Innes, ye thirde Weeke be a good tyme to change
that Troll's head on ye pubbe Sign. An awefull Fyre in Morporke art
predicted for ye 9th; save tyme by knocking downe ye Ankh bridges
now. Gahoolie favourf any Betrothal made in the dark of thys
Monthe's Moon, but promife not marriage to wall-eyed Dames lest they
bee borne under Wezen.
Ye Two Fatte Coufins 22 May - 21 Jun
A goode Monthe for War with Klatch. Beware ye Poxe; stocke uppe on
powdered Duck, Leeches and Quickfilver. Husband welle thy
Houfekeepinge, for difficult Tymes threaten when thee Beard of Io
neareth ye Cusp of Mubboe. Avoid Bleedinges until ye 27th.
Ye Knotted Stringe 22 Jun - 22 Jul
Plague doth continue, efpecially in Short Street and its surroundes;
place all blame upon thatte Hublandish famylie and avoid ye Companie
of thofe Urchins which playeth dead rat Conkers. At fulle Moon,
sacrifice with generositye to Seffifet. Wear not aught of ye colour
Blewe until ye nexte new Moon.
Ye Perhapf Gayte 23 Jul - 23 Aug
A goode Monthe for War upon Sto Lat. Beware exploding Alchemystes
and pine-applef. Weeke of 7th art auspicious for baking of ye early
Hogfwatch caykes. Thirde Octeday bringeth wellcome relief from ye
Poxe, but alfo bringeth unwanted Relatives; freshen thy door Lockes
and inveft in repellynt Potions.
Mubbo, ye Hyaena 24 Aug - 23 Sept
A goode Monthe for War upon Llamedos. Change Newtes in ye Welle. Ye
seconde Weeke bee a good Tyme for ye Practife of Morris dancef. An
Wyzard attempting Promotion goeth badly wronge; avoid ye Landes near
ye College of Wyzards lest ye be turned into a Bowl of sour Cherrys.
Butter will notte churn upon ye 20th; blame thatte Hublandish
End of Part 6, continued on Part 7 of 7.
If you did not get all seven parts, write: interact@...
Copyright (c) 2007 by Klatchian Foreign Legion