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WOSSNAME -- JUNE 2007 -- PART 8 OF 9 (continued)

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  • Not A Granny
    WOSSNAME -- JUNE 2007 -- PART 8 OF 9 (continued) ... oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo ====Part 8 - HOROSCOPE - continued 29) THE NEW DISCWORLD
    Message 1 of 1 , Jun 26, 2007
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      WOSSNAME -- JUNE 2007 -- PART 8 OF 9 (continued)
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      oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

      ====Part 8 - HOROSCOPE - continued

      29) THE NEW DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE - 0CT->FEB

      Androgyna Majestis 24 Oct - 22 Nov

      GUEST ASTROLOGER:
      Bill Rincewind, Archancellor, Bugarup University, Continent of XXXX

      G'day mates and sheilas, it's a pleasure to have been asked to write
      this horoscope thing. I haven't been this bloody excited since the
      EcksEcksEcksEcks national football team beat the All Blues from the
      Land Of Fog. It's like having a year's worth of Didjabringabeeralong
      Cup Days all at once, only with fewer horses. And even more beer.

      As Archancellor of the best bloody university bar none, people
      sometimes come to me asking for advice about the future. I say to
      them, no worries mate, she'll be right. There are few problems that
      can't be solved with a beer and a wizard's staff. For all you
      civilians who aren't wizards, you poor bastards, you need all the
      help you can get, and that's where the stars come into it. A good
      horoscope can make all the difference between life serving you up a
      nice drop of Rusted Dunny Valley Semillon (Year of the Drongo was a
      particularly good vintage), or something like Dave-o Mate's Death
      Adder Wine ("The Piss With The Hiss").

      For those born under the sign of Androgyna Majestis, this is a good
      month to practise those show tunes, but then for "Andies" every
      month is a good month for show tunes, heh heh heh. Not that there's
      anything wrong with blokes wearing stiletto heels and singing
      Prancing Dame. It's also a bloody good month for sheep-shearing and
      famous last stands outside the Post Office. But the stars aren't so
      kind this month to pastry chefs and horse-breeders, that is to say,
      people who breed horses, ha ha. Lock the stable door before the
      horse ends up in one of Fair Go Dibbler's famous meat pie floaters.


      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%


      Great T'Phon's Foot 23 Nov - 21 Dec

      GUEST ASTROLOGER:
      Coin, unaffiliated Sourcerer

      I wasn't very impressed with the configuration of your stars for this
      month, so I changed them -- oh, you want me to cast your horoscope?
      Hmmm. I suppose I've had enough transcendental spirituality for the
      day. Let me see... apparently you've hit a perfect month for forming
      lasting relationships. I've no idea what those are. Also, you'll have
      excellent luck when shopping for bargains, but I've no idea what
      "shopping" and "bargains" are either. I *do* know what "luck" is; I
      prefer to make my own, which tends to annoy the Lady, but what's she
      going to do about it?

      The first Thursday of the month is a good time for a flutter on the
      horses. I met a horse once, but I don't think it fluttered... hold
      on... no, I just made a horse and gave it wings, but it didn't
      flutter, it just fell out of the air and splashed. So I suppose I've
      no idea about that one too. Where was I? Oh, it says here that your
      family will astonish you on the 11th with a shocking demand, no, no
      idea what a "family" is, but I seem to remember I used to go around
      making a rather lot of demands. Do you know, the past all seems a bit
      hazy to me, I think there was something to do with a staff and a half
      -brick and a sock, and quite possibly melons... hold on... mmm, I
      just made a melon and it's rather nice. Beware long-distance haulage
      carts, whatever they are, and delay all decisions about higher
      education until the moon is gibbous, or until you moon a gibbon --
      it's all terribly strange to me. I think I'll go change the stars
      again and see if I like them better . And make stronger wings for my
      next horse.


      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      Hoki the Jokester 22 Dec - 20 Jan

      GUEST ASTROLOGER:
      The Librarian of Unseen University

      Ook ook ook eek ook eeeeek! Ook [grunt] ook ook eek!

      [Original text is a series of ooks interspersed with eeks, grunts
      and hand motions indicating that there's more to life -- and payment
      -- than banananananas. Translation is as follows... we think]

      Primordial forces moving in the pages of the heavens are bring
      changes to the influence of Hoki. When the left foreleg of T'Phon is
      raised across the ecliptic of the Boule Flambee system, signs are
      auspicious for the safe restoration of ancient tomes in ancient
      tomes. The fourth Octeday of the month favours the acquisition of
      excellent quality foolscap and binding materials. Do not eat library
      paste during the waning moon, as it will make you sick. The 6th,
      7+1th and 26th are good times to take advantage of a chance meeting
      in the stacks of your local library. Bookshop owners and
      bibliophiles will want to take especial care of first editions and
      rare galley proofs on the 20th, when a small comet passing through
      Hoki will bring malign vibrations.

      The second week of the month is a good time for book sales. Oil your
      encyclopaedia covers on the 18th. The influence of Hoki on the book-
      aware is strongest at mid-month, so do not fail to return any
      borrowed books before the Ides, especially if you're a first-year
      student at Unseen University. Now pass me that bowl of nuts and
      leave me alone -- the grimoires are getting restless.


      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      The Rather Large Gazunda 21 Jan - 18 Feb

      GUEST ASTROLOGER:
      Windle Poons, deceased.

      Funny thing, Life. I thought I'd had a good long run, and that I had
      a good long run of being not alive or apparently undead, and then I
      thought I could finally get some permanent rest, but it seems that
      being a zombie is something that's hard to get rid of, like verrucas
      or unwanted houseguests. Of course, being dead for some while before
      being undead again gives one a certain sense of perspective. A rather
      unusual sense of perspective, what with all the conversations with
      earthworms [they don't answer, but you have to talk to somebody or
      go mad] and what with Death occasionally popping up and saying WHAT,
      YOU AGAIN?, but because I could think clearly without all those
      confusing glands and hormones in the way, I've spent a lot of time
      contemplating the stars. Lovely things, stars. My education tells me
      they're just huge monstrous flaming balls of gas, but they do look
      lovely, expecially when you have eyes like gimlets that can gaze
      through six feet of dirt, and considerate gravediggers who place you
      with them focussing conveniently upwards.

      So how can these lovely, distant, twinkling things possibly influence
      the daily lives of the living? Well, being hit by a huge flaming ball
      of gas will certainly be influential [or, for that matter, being hit
      by waves of non-flaming *other* sorts of gases; believe me, the less
      public level of a graveyard is no place for sensitive noses], but
      more importantly, every astral body has sort of pulling quality that
      sort of pulls on every other thing in the universe. And when you have
      things that pull on things that can be noticeably pulled on, such as
      bodily fluids, you get tides. Tides. You may think you're a tightly-
      wound ball of everyday stresses, but what you actually are is a
      raging miniature ocean, although usually with fewer whales, but full
      of neap tides, ebb tides, storm tides, tidal bores, tidal waves,
      standing waves, soliton waves, rogue waves, ship-eating whirlpools,
      huge deep currents and the occasional hurricane thrown in for special
      effects value. The best you can do is locate your own safe harbours
      and tropical calms. So the next time you contemplate the influence
      of the stars, remember that: tides. And your tide table for the month
      indicates that you should do a lot of staying at anchor, I mean in
      bed, and watch out for gas.

      ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

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      End of Part 8, continued on Part 9 of 9.
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      Copyright (c) 2007 by Klatchian Foreign Legion
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