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WOSSNAME -- JUNE 2007 -- PART 7 OF 9 (continued)

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  • Not A Granny
    WOSSNAME -- JUNE 2007 -- PART 7 OF 9 (continued) ... oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo ====Part 7 - HOROSCOPE - continued 28) THE NEW DISCWORLD
    Message 1 of 1 , Jun 26, 2007
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      WOSSNAME -- JUNE 2007 -- PART 7 OF 9 (continued)
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      oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

      ====Part 7 - HOROSCOPE - continued

      28) THE NEW DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE - JUN->OCT

      The Wizard's Staff and Knob 22 Jun - 22 Jul



      GUEST ASTROLOGER:
      Ponder Stibbons, Head of Inadvisably Applied Magic, UU

      Traditional astrology? That is *so* Century of the Fruitbat! Not that
      there's any doubt about the stars influencing our lives and destinies
      -- hey, it was astral alignment that accounted for me getting the
      easiest final exam in UU history, not counting the famous Elementary
      Necromancy exam in 1602 when the corpse sat up and said "I ain't
      dead yet, you buggers!!!" -- but all this cludging about with
      orreries and astrolabia and handwritten calculations of
      constellationary positions is absurd when one can get one's Thinking
      Engine to do all the time-consuming messy work. And anyway, half of
      traditional astrology is about the astrologer's own interpretations
      and the other half is about making stuff up. So I'm going for the
      win with what will be the only ineffably precise and correct
      predictions in this month's Horoscope, and the rest of you Guest
      Astrologers will be totally pwned. Over to you, HEX:

      1st: rain of frogs; carry umbrella
      2nd: good day for gardening; plant at dawn, second breakfast or
      teatime
      3rd: accosted by tall, dark Brindisian thief; pay up Thieves' Guild
      vouchers in advance
      4th: bad sausage inna bun; carry bucket
      5th: Clacks scam offers holiday in Agatea; do not accept
      6th: reign of Ogg; stay indoors and accept no frothing beverages
      [made of mostly apples] from old ladies
      7th: close encounter with mountain of mashed potato in Klatch
      7+1th: plague of pineapples; stand on head
      9th: romance beckons; carry bath
      10th: day for dark rituals; do not meddle in the affairs of wizards
      11th: Opera House follows you home; carry earplugs and hatstand
      12th: declination of Androgyna favours financial decisions; sell
      house and invest in weasel farm
      13th: total reversal of Disc's magical field; turn twice
      widdershins hourly and sing Hedgehog song
      14th: aroogah aroogah frog custard whoops Mr Jelly!
      15th: +++ OUT OF CHEESE ERROR +++


      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%



      Bilious, God of Hangovers 23 Jul - 23 Aug



      GUEST ASTROLOGER:
      Alberto Malich, Head of All Wizardry, Archancellor of UU When it
      Actually Meant Something, Hah!

      Ah, the existential wossnames of the influence of the heavens on the
      lives of you unfortunate full-time mortals. Brings a tear to me eye,
      it does, to see all your desperate hopes and fears and the way you
      put so much into "planning for the future". Believe me, I've seen
      your futures and they're sand all the way to the bottom. O'course,
      when you've got 29 seconds of mortal existence left in your
      lifetimer, planning for the future gets *really* important. I used
      to sneak a few grains of mundanes' sand every now and again, but the
      Master caught me at it and didn't half give me a telling off. It
      seems that mixing up all sorts of other peoples' destinies and
      stellar and planetary influences plays merry hells with the
      continuiniunuum of the multiverse and could rip a hole in what the
      UU kids of today call the rubber sheet o' reality. Speaking of my
      old alma pater, back when I was founding the University you could
      hardly turn around without tripping over astrologers -- time was
      when it was almost as popular as alchemy, and a blessed sight less
      messy and dangerous. No-one would even *think* of casting a major
      spell without casting their horoscope first. But things tend to
      change after a millennium or two, and now it's all about Feng
      Shooey and technomancy and as far as I know the only use old
      Ridcully had for the stars is triangulatin' on 'em for target
      practice.

      Still, if you really do think your immediate future's worth planning
      for you should know that your stars favour new enterprise on the
      first and second Octedays of the month. And that you'll come into
      some unexpected money on the 13th, but Chryoprase will want it back
      on the 14th. Same thing for romance, pretty much, so don't splash
      out on any engagement rings. Oh, and' it'll be a good idea steel
      yourself against a near-Death experience on the 27th, but you didn't
      hear me say that. That's all I've got time for now -- some of us
      have porridge to fry.



      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%



      Mubbo the Hyena 24 Aug - 23 Sept


      GUEST ASTROLOGER:
      Dr H Dinwiddie, Bursar of UU

      What ho! Or perhaps that's what ho-ho-horoscope! Yes, the medication
      and meditation and mediation are working nicely of late, with the
      only side effects being a tendency to inappropriate jollity and
      another tendency to float about neat ceilings when I'm concentrating
      too hard or not hard enough, so my fellow Faculty members have voted
      to allow me the excitement of sharp pencils and set me to cast a
      Horoscope for the Sign of Mubbo. That's a very portentous-sounding
      phrase, don't you think? "The Sign of Mubbo"? Definitely sounds
      mysterious and filled with portents.

      Persons born under the Sign of Mubbo are known as Mubboons, and that
      rhymes nicely with spoons, balloons, baboons, runes, raccoons, goons,
      moons, prunes, poltroons, cartoons, buffoons and, for that matter,
      boons, which means that quite a lot of doggerel and Tin Lid Alley
      music-hall songs get written about them. Who doesn't remember the
      modern classic 'I'll Marry my Mubboon in Grune", as sung by Slugg
      and Angelina? A portentous and poetic Sign tends to attract prophets
      and poets -- heh, poets, hee hee! -- and by coincidence this is a
      good month to practice prophecy and poetry, especially prophetic
      poetry. And pottery. Not to mention piety, parody, puppetry,
      parquetry, persiflage, and the preparation of partridge in parsley.
      Oh my, I feel quite giddy after thinking that! On the subject of the
      letter P, Mubboons whose names begin with this letter and who pray
      purposefully. or even porpoisely, to Patina and Petulia have reason
      to expect good results. A curious squiggle on the cusp of the Small
      Boring Group of Faint Stars indicates good fortune and pleasant
      outcomes when contacting rarely-visited relatives. Then again, I
      should imagine they're rarely visited for good reason, so perhaps
      you should just ignore that giddy oh my giddy pencil sharp ceiling
      wahoonie custard embrasure whoops! Dive Dive! Pass the winkles,
      there's a good lass.


      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct



      GUEST ASTROLOGER:
      Double UU Professor Devious H Collabone

      Er. Um. I... er. As the Century of the Anchovy's first tenured
      Professor of Transoceanic Thaumaturgical Studies, I have to admit
      that I've never known much about the stars; in truth, I spend far
      more time staring down at the bottoms of lagoons than up at the
      heavens. In fact, I rather agree with the Archancellor's general
      views about the irrelevance of stars, although I believe he puts it
      more like "them pesky twinkly sky things that're always hangin'
      back out of crossbow range". However, um, I've observed several
      species of Widdershins Rock Lobsters which only mate under the light
      of certain constellations, so there must be something to this
      astrology business. Let's see... the second week of the month is a
      good time to encourage shell growth. Be sure to check the health of
      your digging foot during the first three days of the crescent moon.
      If you were born with your primary planet on the cusp of Hoki, the
      18th and 21st will be good times for mating rituals, Beware of
      undertow on the 9th. Did you know that the Senior Faculty awarded me
      a lifetime supply of breath-mints with my Chair? Very kind of them
      I'm sure, but silly, really -- it isn't as if I can even smell
      crustaceans' breath underwater. Um. Excuse me, I must go check my
      barnacles.

      ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

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      End of Part 7, continued on Part 8 of 9.
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      Copyright (c) 2007 by Klatchian Foreign Legion
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