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WOSSNAME -- JUNE 2007 -- PART 6 OF 9 (continued) .

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  • Not A Granny
    WOSSNAME -- JUNE 2007 -- PART 6 OF 9 (continued) ... oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo ====Part 6 - HOROSCOPE - MAR- JUN 27) THE NEW DISCWORLD
    Message 1 of 1 , Jun 26, 2007
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      WOSSNAME -- JUNE 2007 -- PART 6 OF 9 (continued)
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      oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

      ====Part 6 - HOROSCOPE - MAR->JUN

      27) THE NEW DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE



      The Adamant Hedgehog 21 Mar - 20 Apr



      GUEST ASTROLOGER:
      Mustrum Ridcully, Archancellor, Unseen University

      Well now, it looks like I'm the one to start off with this star-
      prediction business, and so I should, being Archancellor. Never mind
      that I've never had much of an interest in the damn' things; in my
      opinion, they're more the province of my brother Hughnon, since he
      deals with the gods-bothering and celestial thingumbobs -- can't see
      the point of 'em myself, they don't make good eatin' and they're
      too far away to hit with a crossbow bolt. But young Stibbons has
      given me one of them astrolabial thingies and showed me how to cast
      horoscopes. Wouldn't let me near that Thinking Engine of his, oh no
      -- says he needed it for *his* casting. Pretty inconsiderate of him,
      considering the size of the stipend we give his Technomancers for
      ink, teddy bears and pizza. Anyway, the old-fashioned ways are best,
      I always say. Let's see... this month, the star charts say here, you
      should avoid Distressed Pudding and eels, do less shouting than usual
      -- that sounds wrong, "can't ever have too much shouting" is my motto
      -- always take the widdershins turn at unfamiliar crossroads, be
      especially kind to subordinates -- hang on, that doesn't sound right
      at all -- beware of the colour yellow in bathrooms, especially on
      Mondays -- deuced specific, these stars -- and double your regular
      sacrifices to the dog of your choice. Wait, I read that last one
      upside down... no, it still says 'dog' the other way around. Damned
      odd. Must have a word with Hughnon about that. Oh, and if you were
      born on the 3rd, 7th, 13th or 20th of the month, stick a chicken in
      your nose at new moon. I'm not completely certain about that last
      one, those calculations where taking rather a lot of time and I was
      late for shooting, so I tried combining Megrim's Accelerator and
      Pelepel's Temporal Compressor on them, and the astrolabium melted.



      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%



      Gahoolie, the Vase of Tulips 21 Apr - 21 May



      GUEST ASTROLOGER:

      Big Mad Adrian Turnipseed, UU Department of High Energy Magic

      Well isn't this a turn-up! I actually get my go ahead of Stibbons.
      Mind you, just because he's Head of Department means he always gets
      to bloody hog the bloody Thinking Engine, so no doubt all *his*
      astral calculations will be bang on the money. As if he was the only
      one that ever fed the mice and the ants and the bees -- and can I
      just take this opportunity to mention that it's *my* bloody FTB that
      keeps HEX running? *And* my ram's skull! But no, to watch him in
      action you'd think he invented every widget and add-on and plug-in
      himself. Oh, and of course he gets to go off on all those adventures,
      and represent the Department at all those posh civic banquets -- I
      bet they put bloody lobster on the pizzas at those, none of the
      catfish sushi we have to make do with on ours. Huh, I remember when
      we were all noobs together, he was no better than the rest of us.
      Well, okay, he was usually the one off in the corner doing the actual
      studying while the rest of us played Barbarian Invaders, but ...
      what? What? Oh, the horoscope. According to my astral calculations,
      which I had to do on a greasy serviette from Harga's I'll have you
      know, you're going to have a bloody miserable month. As a matter of
      fact, your bloody constellation is going to crash into the House of
      Hoose -- because the gods have been using Gahoolie in a game of table
      football again -- and totally ruin your day for the next four weeks.
      Might as well stay in bed all month. Hmmm... maybe this spot here is
      just a grease stain and not the Cue of Blind Io, in which case you'll
      have a wonderful month. Oh well, that's the sort of thing that
      happens when your Department Head uses all the uptime on HEX. Bloody
      typical.



      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      Herne the Hunted 22 May - 21 Jun



      GUEST ASTROLOGER:

      Igneous Cutwell, Wizard First Grade (UU)

      It Is Written. It is written in the heavens. And I, as Royal
      Recogniser of Her Extremely Royal Majesty Queen Kelirehenna I of Sto
      Lat, Master of the Queen's Bedchamber, Ipississimuss Diviner of
      Mysteries and Premier Calculator of the Horoscope Royal, do pronounce
      -- oh, bother that, it takes too much time to pronounce! And too much
      saliva. Let's just say that all this astral business *is* written in
      the heavens, and what the heavens say is that this is a good month
      for nits. Sorry, *knits*. We haven't had nits here since, oh, since
      the Coronation. Get your needles out this month, and you'll be amazed
      at how those scarves and bootees and woolly jumpers just flow
      effortlessly out of your hands. In fact, it's a good month for all
      handicrafts. Scrapbook those iconographs! Bead those chokers! Your
      friends will be amazed at all the clever things you can do with
      toilet roll centres, sticky-tape and a wodge of tinsel.

      This is the month to finally make those hooked rugs for the scullery,
      and inspirations for humorous decoupage greeting cards will fall into
      your head like shooting stars. It's almost as if someone's opened a
      tin of fresh, bright reality just for you! The stars also favour
      music from the 11th to the 22nd, so you'll shine at choir practice
      and sing-songs down the pub. Planetary imbalances mean that you might
      be susceptible to ailments of the lower body at mid-month, so be sure
      to stack up on salves and philtres from your local practitioner of
      magick. The 14th is a good time to experiment with a new hairstyle;
      why not use your newfound brilliance at crafts and crochet some
      Howondaland dreadlocks? Social opportunities, especially for social
      improvement, will present themselves in the third week -- do try to
      use these to advantage by gatecrashing royal or high-society
      shindigs -- but as this overlaps your period of propensity to
      illness, don't forget to bring the salve. Trust me, you don't want
      to spend the evening in the privy! Beware of elephants and young men
      carrying scythes. And remember, like I said, It Is Written.


      ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

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      Copyright (c) 2007 by Klatchian Foreign Legion
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