Loading ...
Sorry, an error occurred while loading the content.

WOSSNAME -- May 2007 -- Part 3 of 6

Expand Messages
  • Not A Granny
    WOSSNAME - APRIL 2007 -- PART 3 OF 6 (continued) ... oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo ====Part 3 - ALICE AND ANAEMIA 9) THE CLACKS LOG OF
    Message 1 of 1 , May 27, 2007
    • 0 Attachment
      WOSSNAME - APRIL 2007 -- PART 3 OF 6 (continued)
      ------------------------------------------------------------------------------
      oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

      ====Part 3 - ALICE AND ANAEMIA

      9) THE CLACKS LOG OF WEIRD ALICE LANCREVIC (cont.)
      10) THE NEW DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE

      oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

      9) THE CLACKS LOG OF WEIRD ALICE LANCREVIC, continued

      Third Clog: "They did not drink...vine..."

      So much to write about Uberwald! Unfortunately, no time right now, as
      we're finished with Burk and Dennis for now - packing to transfer to a
      Zoon barge heading down the River of Blut. Hopefully I'll get a chance
      later, but for now, just one highlight and one quick song. Ask me
      later about DownTown and the kinky Dwarf cobbler and what became of
      Elena...

      I couldn't possibly have done my tour of Uberwald without attending
      the traditional yearly Sleilidh (that's pronounced "slay-lee"), a
      celebration of storytelling, booze, song, dance - and vampirism. This
      year's Sleilidh was held in Bad Schuschein on the banks of the Blut
      and featured, for the first time ever, International Tag Team Vampire
      Staking. There was also the first-ever Dry Pride March, featuring a
      huge presence of Black Ribboners, and lots of Blut Best blutwurst and
      Blut blood sausage and fatsup that probably had Blut in it. There was
      also Blut Best Vino Sanguino. I passed on that, even though I was told
      it was an especially good vintage, and stuck with various beers, none
      of which had the slightest reddish tint. There was also an open-air
      market, first I've seen that sold no garlic and no silver jewellery.
      One stall, run by a Mr von Dibblerov, had a good selection of slightly
      shop-soiled Sleilidh merchandise; I got a souvenir smock embroidered
      with I WENT TO THE UBERWALD SLEILIDH AND ALL I GOT WAS THIS LOUSY
      THROAT PUNCTURE.

      I also joined in the busking competition and got a non-garlic
      non-silver rosette and badge, awarded by the famous Lady Margolotta
      herself. This was my winning song, What's Blood Got to Do with It?:

      You must feel the pangs
      When the touch of my fangs
      Makes your heart attack
      But it's only the thrill
      Of drinking my fill
      You're my favourite snack
      It's mystical...haemo-physical
      You'd deny me my gore?
      Then you're dins for a bat, ohhh

      What's blood got to do, got to do with it?
      What's blood but a slick and handy ocean?
      What's blood got to do, got to do with it?
      Who could refrain when a vein can be opened?

      It may seem to you
      There's an excess of grue
      When you're thrall'd by me
      If I tend to drink deep
      And put you to sleep
      It's sanguinary
      There's a cure for it
      Til you're truly bit
      And whatever the season, your fluid's for me, ohhh

      What's blood got to do, got to do with it?
      What's blood but a slick and handy ocean?
      What's blood got to do, got to do with it?
      Why stop at pecks when a neck's there for broachin'?

      I've been thinking 'bout some vivisection
      For amusement's sake
      Hold the garlic for my own protection
      It scares me to see that stake, ohhh

      What's blood got to do, got to do with it?
      What's blood but a sweet sustaining potion?
      What's blood got to do, got to do with it?
      I need a slug of that jugular motion...

      All the Black Ribboners bought me drinks and made me write down the
      words of my song!

      ***

      I decided not to go back to visit Borogravia after all. Things
      are...uncomfortable there since the Slovenian Entente Barely Cordiale,
      and what with my maternal great-uncle having been a major player in
      the Battle of Braz Kneck and the Rout of Shear Kneck, and what with
      our strong family resemblance, my plan of travelling to Brindisi via
      the River Kneck and the Sea of Landlock has lost some of its appeal.
      Instead, I'll be heading next for Genua; the River of Blut connects
      with the Vieux River somewhere in the (yes, again) desolate
      mountainous borderlands, so that's my new plan.

      Anyway, they say you can't go home again. So I'm going to Genua instead.

      -- Alice.


      Note for Roundworlders (with apologies to Tina Turner): What's Love Got
      to Do with It? original lyrics can be found at:
      http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/tinaturner/whatslovegottodowithit.html

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      10) THE NEW DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE

      YOUR NEW DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE
      by Lady Anaemia Asterisk

      THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO ARRGH ARRGH ARRGH

      Many people wonder about why they have such difficulty dealing with
      certain household objects, machinery and the like, but that's because
      not many people know that inanimate objects can have horoscopes too!
      But milady Asterisk, I hear you ask, how can a "made thing" be born
      under the Sign of a constellation? Simple, my dear astropossums: Made
      Things are born when their inventors are first struck by the
      Inspiration Particles that inspire them - you know, those sub-resonic
      particles that sleet through the multiverse looking for suitable
      brains to inhabit. This explains much about why some people have so
      much trouble with certain objects; quite simply, they have
      incompatible Signs! So this month, I shall reveal some arcane and
      useful secrets about which Made Things to avoid and why avoiding them
      can enrich, or even prolong, your star-struck lives. "Careful with
      that axe..."

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      The Adamant Hedgehog 21 Mar - 20 Apr

      THINGS THAT DON'T LIKE YOU: Carts; Dis-organisers

      O Hoggers, never a cart-driver nor a cartwright be. In fact, you'd do
      best to even avoid travelling in carts, coaches, caissons, parade
      floats...hmm, looking at your chart, I think your problem lies in
      wheels. You should check your family tree for possible Tezuman
      herrydeterryness, and also avoid roller skates, couches on castors,
      and those eldritch shopping trolleys with the snow globes in them.
      Stick to sedan chairs and good honest footwear.

      It's not at all clear that *anyone* can get along productively with a
      Dis-organiser, but you certainly don't want to touch one even with a
      ten-foot pearwood staff! If you don't believe me, just look at all
      the grief Commander Vimes of the A-M City Watch has had with them,
      and he's a Hogger born. The only "software" you can safely use the
      like of tablecloths, Sonkies and bouncy castles. If you need
      reminders or a calendar or alarm clock, delegate to your underlings.
      Hoggers are Life's collectors of underlings, so you'll have no
      problem there. Remember to shout at them - shouting works well on
      underlings but has no effect on Dis-organisers, which is why so many
      Hoggers who bought one inevitably smash it against the nearest wall
      or toss it out on the night-soil cart (though the former is a better
      idea, since it doesn't involve carts).

      ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

      -------------------------------------------------------------------------
      End of Part 3, continued on Part 4 of 6.
      If you did not get all six parts, write: jschaum111@...
      -------------------------------------------------------------------------
      Copyright (c) 2007 by Klatchian Foreign Legion
    Your message has been successfully submitted and would be delivered to recipients shortly.