WOSSNAME -- APRIL 2007 -- PART 5 OF 6 (continued)
====Part 5 - HOROSCOPE - Section 3
12) THE NEW DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE - AUG->DEC
Mubbo the Hyena 24 Aug - 23 Sept
THINGS THAT DON'T LIKE YOU: Iconographs; Brooms
The famous tourist Twoflower of Bes Pelargic took a lot of iconograph
pictures on his travels. Most of them were terrible! The reason any
of them came out at all well is because Twoflower is Agatean and his
Agatean Sign takes precedence, or so the TingLingese astrologer
Hung-Wan On tells me. As for the rest of you, your attempts at
iconography will deliver little but hours of mirth and a huge bill
for wasted ink. Unless you like decapitated family portraits,
landscapes in the blurry style of the Genuan Impressionists,
distorted noses, sheets of paper covered in black ink because you
forgot to take the porthole-cover off, scary red eyes that belong to
your nearest and dearest rather than to creatures from the Dungeon
Dimensions, or beautiful, microscopically-detailed, crystal-clear
pictures of your own thumb, you belong strictly on the other side of
Brooms hate Mubboons. Mubboons do not make ept witches, or ept
History Monks, or even ept charladies. Just inept ones. Nuff said!
The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct
THINGS THAT DON'T LIKE YOU: Chopsticks; Socks
Admit it, you Boring'uns thought it was just that *nothing* likes
you! But in reality your greatest threats come from chopsticks and
socks. Chopsticks are dangerous: 200 million Agateans *can* be wrong.
Consider what the word is made from - "chop" and "sticks"; things
that can chop are potentially lethal, and things that are sticks can
do all sorts of damage, from spearing an eye to being used for bamboo
foot torture to being the dry tinder that starts a city-wide fire.
What sort of foolishly brave lunatic wants to eat supper with a
glorified pair of tweezers anyway, when there are so many nice safe
rounded spoons sitting around completely failing to feature sharp
pointy bits? They say a master of chopstickery can pick up a single
grain of rice with them; bloody show-offs - everyone knows that a
single grain of rice is more likely to get stuck in your windpipe
and choke you to death! Never mind the chopsticks, you need spoons.
Lots of spoons.
And what could be less dangerous than a soft, warm, fluffy pair of
hand-knitted socks? Quite a few things, actually, for Boring'uns. Not
only are socks well known for causing fatal slippages, but they also
have a natural attraction for half-bricks, and a simple sock in a
half-brick can change the fate of the world. Doffed socks lie in wait
at night, seeking their opportunity to trip their feckless barefoot
owners on a midnight trip to the garderobe. Dirty socks collect germs
that could cause terrible infections. Woolly socks tickle and itch,
causing their wearers to reach down to scratch at inopportune moments
and invite lethal loss of balance; it's statistically proven that
woolly socks cause more deaths by misadventure than woolly mammoths,
and when you compare the weight and size of a quiescent sock to the
weight and size of an angry woolly mammoth, socks are gramme for
gramme unthinkably more dangerous. Go barefoot whenever possible and
sacrifice frequently to the Small Gods of household woollens.
Androgyna Majestis 24 Oct - 22 Nov
THINGS THAT DON'T LIKE YOU: Projectile Weaponry; Mushrooms
Projectile weaponry, which includes gonnes, crossbows, javelins,
throwing knives, slings, blowguns, longbows, boomerangs, Piecemakers,
bolas, tea services and siege engines, are Not Your Thing. Just as
Hernians make poor ploughmen, Andies make poor infantrymen - the only
enemy you're likely to successfully attack will be yourselves, as the
term "friendly fire" might as well have been invented just for you!
Stay away from anything spring-loaded, since anything spring-loaded
can technically be classed as a projectile weapon, even music boxes
or those newfangled imp-free chronographs. Face it, you're cut out
for gentler pursuits; put the gonne down and back away slowly...
Mushrooms... no, not the edible ones, but the needleperson's darning
gadget... actually, any and all sewing accoutrements are on your
"don't go there" list. Andies who attempt the tailor's life soon find
that needles prick and stab, scissors slice and puncture, drawing
pins have a penchant for missing the fabric and finding the soft
tissue with the greatest number of nerve endings, embroidery hoops
pinch fingertips...and do remember that a needleperson's mushroom is,
after all, a blunt instrument. As are those cute little porcelain
thimbles with A SOUVENIR OF STO LAT and rustic doodles on them; it's
all fun and fingertip protection until some/one bruises an eye.
Great T'Phon's Foot 23 Nov - 21 Dec
THINGS THAT DON'T LIKE YOU: Butter Churns; Forges; the Post Office
It is possible to overcome a strong cosmological handicap, to triumph
over the influence of the Heavens, but it doesn't happen often. The
celebrated cheesemaker Seldom Bucket overcame his inherent Footy
butter-churn disharmony to become five-time winner of the Prix du Lat
Excellence in Medium Fat Cheese award, but for most Footies faced
with butter churns and related dairy machinery, only nightmares and
rancid yoghurt will come of it (particularly disturbing nightmares,
as this is, really, a form of lactose intolerance). If life deals you
the card of farm worker, you'll be happier and safer mucking out the
ox byre or tidying the slurry pits - or doing the ploughing for an
unfortunate Hernian. Honest muck can be washed off (eventually), but
the smell of soured milk is forever.
The village smithy is not for the like of you Footys. Nor is the
urban smithy. Forges are big, hot, fiery things that exist for the
purpose of smelting metals - that's "melting" with an S at the front
- to turn them into swords and ploughshares and thimbles and stills.
The shaping of hot metals is known as plastic deformation - that's
plastic with a "deformation" at the back - which requires nerves of
steel, white heat, muscles of steel, white heat, and did I mention
the white heat? Melting, fiery, deformation...I don't think I need to
say anything more. You should also avoid B.S. Johnson's infamous Post
Office Sorting Machine for similar reasons. Then again, *everyone*
should avoid the Post Office Sorting Machine. And any other machines
designed by B.S. Johnson. If ever an inventor of Made Things was
born under a bad Sign, he's the one.
End of Part 5, continued on Part 6 of 6.
If you did not get all six parts, write: jschaum111@...
Copyright (c) 2007 by Klatchian Foreign Legion