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WOSSNAME -- May 2007 -- Part 5 of 6

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  • Not A Granny
    WOSSNAME -- APRIL 2007 -- PART 5 OF 6 (continued) ... oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo ====Part 5 - HOROSCOPE - Section 3 12) THE NEW DISCWORLD
    Message 1 of 1 , May 27, 2007
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      WOSSNAME -- APRIL 2007 -- PART 5 OF 6 (continued)

      ====Part 5 - HOROSCOPE - Section 3



      Mubbo the Hyena 24 Aug - 23 Sept

      THINGS THAT DON'T LIKE YOU: Iconographs; Brooms

      The famous tourist Twoflower of Bes Pelargic took a lot of iconograph
      pictures on his travels. Most of them were terrible! The reason any
      of them came out at all well is because Twoflower is Agatean and his
      Agatean Sign takes precedence, or so the TingLingese astrologer
      Hung-Wan On tells me. As for the rest of you, your attempts at
      iconography will deliver little but hours of mirth and a huge bill
      for wasted ink. Unless you like decapitated family portraits,
      landscapes in the blurry style of the Genuan Impressionists,
      distorted noses, sheets of paper covered in black ink because you
      forgot to take the porthole-cover off, scary red eyes that belong to
      your nearest and dearest rather than to creatures from the Dungeon
      Dimensions, or beautiful, microscopically-detailed, crystal-clear
      pictures of your own thumb, you belong strictly on the other side of
      the imp.

      Brooms hate Mubboons. Mubboons do not make ept witches, or ept
      History Monks, or even ept charladies. Just inept ones. Nuff said!


      The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct

      THINGS THAT DON'T LIKE YOU: Chopsticks; Socks

      Admit it, you Boring'uns thought it was just that *nothing* likes
      you! But in reality your greatest threats come from chopsticks and
      socks. Chopsticks are dangerous: 200 million Agateans *can* be wrong.
      Consider what the word is made from - "chop" and "sticks"; things
      that can chop are potentially lethal, and things that are sticks can
      do all sorts of damage, from spearing an eye to being used for bamboo
      foot torture to being the dry tinder that starts a city-wide fire.
      What sort of foolishly brave lunatic wants to eat supper with a
      glorified pair of tweezers anyway, when there are so many nice safe
      rounded spoons sitting around completely failing to feature sharp
      pointy bits? They say a master of chopstickery can pick up a single
      grain of rice with them; bloody show-offs - everyone knows that a
      single grain of rice is more likely to get stuck in your windpipe
      and choke you to death! Never mind the chopsticks, you need spoons.
      Lots of spoons.

      And what could be less dangerous than a soft, warm, fluffy pair of
      hand-knitted socks? Quite a few things, actually, for Boring'uns. Not
      only are socks well known for causing fatal slippages, but they also
      have a natural attraction for half-bricks, and a simple sock in a
      half-brick can change the fate of the world. Doffed socks lie in wait
      at night, seeking their opportunity to trip their feckless barefoot
      owners on a midnight trip to the garderobe. Dirty socks collect germs
      that could cause terrible infections. Woolly socks tickle and itch,
      causing their wearers to reach down to scratch at inopportune moments
      and invite lethal loss of balance; it's statistically proven that
      woolly socks cause more deaths by misadventure than woolly mammoths,
      and when you compare the weight and size of a quiescent sock to the
      weight and size of an angry woolly mammoth, socks are gramme for
      gramme unthinkably more dangerous. Go barefoot whenever possible and
      sacrifice frequently to the Small Gods of household woollens.


      Androgyna Majestis 24 Oct - 22 Nov

      THINGS THAT DON'T LIKE YOU: Projectile Weaponry; Mushrooms

      Projectile weaponry, which includes gonnes, crossbows, javelins,
      throwing knives, slings, blowguns, longbows, boomerangs, Piecemakers,
      bolas, tea services and siege engines, are Not Your Thing. Just as
      Hernians make poor ploughmen, Andies make poor infantrymen - the only
      enemy you're likely to successfully attack will be yourselves, as the
      term "friendly fire" might as well have been invented just for you!
      Stay away from anything spring-loaded, since anything spring-loaded
      can technically be classed as a projectile weapon, even music boxes
      or those newfangled imp-free chronographs. Face it, you're cut out
      for gentler pursuits; put the gonne down and back away slowly...

      Mushrooms... no, not the edible ones, but the needleperson's darning
      gadget... actually, any and all sewing accoutrements are on your
      "don't go there" list. Andies who attempt the tailor's life soon find
      that needles prick and stab, scissors slice and puncture, drawing
      pins have a penchant for missing the fabric and finding the soft
      tissue with the greatest number of nerve endings, embroidery hoops
      pinch fingertips...and do remember that a needleperson's mushroom is,
      after all, a blunt instrument. As are those cute little porcelain
      thimbles with A SOUVENIR OF STO LAT and rustic doodles on them; it's
      all fun and fingertip protection until some/one bruises an eye.


      Great T'Phon's Foot 23 Nov - 21 Dec

      THINGS THAT DON'T LIKE YOU: Butter Churns; Forges; the Post Office
      Sorting Machine

      It is possible to overcome a strong cosmological handicap, to triumph
      over the influence of the Heavens, but it doesn't happen often. The
      celebrated cheesemaker Seldom Bucket overcame his inherent Footy
      butter-churn disharmony to become five-time winner of the Prix du Lat
      Excellence in Medium Fat Cheese award, but for most Footies faced
      with butter churns and related dairy machinery, only nightmares and
      rancid yoghurt will come of it (particularly disturbing nightmares,
      as this is, really, a form of lactose intolerance). If life deals you
      the card of farm worker, you'll be happier and safer mucking out the
      ox byre or tidying the slurry pits - or doing the ploughing for an
      unfortunate Hernian. Honest muck can be washed off (eventually), but
      the smell of soured milk is forever.

      The village smithy is not for the like of you Footys. Nor is the
      urban smithy. Forges are big, hot, fiery things that exist for the
      purpose of smelting metals - that's "melting" with an S at the front
      - to turn them into swords and ploughshares and thimbles and stills.
      The shaping of hot metals is known as plastic deformation - that's
      plastic with a "deformation" at the back - which requires nerves of
      steel, white heat, muscles of steel, white heat, and did I mention
      the white heat? Melting, fiery, deformation...I don't think I need to
      say anything more. You should also avoid B.S. Johnson's infamous Post
      Office Sorting Machine for similar reasons. Then again, *everyone*
      should avoid the Post Office Sorting Machine. And any other machines
      designed by B.S. Johnson. If ever an inventor of Made Things was
      born under a bad Sign, he's the one.


      End of Part 5, continued on Part 6 of 6.
      If you did not get all six parts, write: jschaum111@...
      Copyright (c) 2007 by Klatchian Foreign Legion
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