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WOSSNAME -- APRIL 2007-- PART 5 OF 6 (continued)

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  • JSCHAUM111@aol.com
    WOSSNAME -- APRIL 2007-- PART 5 OF 6 (continued) ... oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo ====Part 5 - HOROSCOPE - Section 2 10) THE NEW
    Message 1 of 1 , May 4, 2007
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      WOSSNAME -- APRIL 2007-- PART 5 OF 6 (continued)
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      oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

      ====Part 5 - HOROSCOPE - Section 2

      10) THE NEW DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE - OCT>MARCH

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct

      Your sports: The Game of Running Around a Marked Field and Touching
      Certain Sand-filled Cloth Bags after Hitting a Thrown Ball with a
      Wooden Bat; Mild Draughts

      The Game of Running Around a Marked Field and Touching Certain
      Sand-filled Cloth Bags after Hitting a Thrown Ball with a Wooden Bat
      was, needless to say, invented by Leonard of Quirm. Aficionados of
      tGoRAaMFaTCSCBaHaTBwaWB, or Bat-ball as it's more commonly and less
      tongue-twistingly known, tend to be extremely passionate about the
      sport and astonishingly devoted to the collecting and debating of
      Bat-ball statistics - how many balls were hit by each team member,
      how many balls were missed by each team member, how many balls were
      mis-hit and concussed the umpire, how many balls were hit so far
      beyond the pitch as to never be found again, how many off-pitch
      windows were broken by mis-hit balls that did not concuss the umpire,
      how quickly each ball-hitter runs around the cloth bags, how many
      cloth bags are touched by each runner, how many games lasted until
      after sunset, how many games were called on account of rain...you get
      the idea. Bat-ball is the most statistics-ridden of all sports,
      quite probably because it is essentially a very boring game in which
      not much happens; it's a game of nine halves, played by teams of nine
      players who wear the most embarrassing costumes of any team sport
      apart from Morris dancing. Despite this, it is extremely popular,
      possibly because it can be played by unfit weekend warriors who
      aren't capable of running any further than once around a quartet of
      cloth bags one to three times in an entire game. For Boring'uns who
      find even this too physical and stressful, there is always the
      honourable tradition of watching Bat-ball games from the sidelines
      and discussing the game very quietly over a glass of warm milk
      afterwards.

      Even less physical and stressful than Bat-ball is the game of Mild
      Draughts. This is played with blunt pencils and paper, so no pieces
      have to be knocked over or leapt over in real life - rather like
      Hangman without the sight of those upsetting nooses, or Battleships
      without the distressing thought of make-believe wars. Best of all,
      Mild Draughts can be played solo, so no-one knows if you're cheating.
      Boring'uns who feel a slight taste for living dangerously, but not to
      the point of donning conspicuous striped clothing and attempting to
      hit batted balls, can always consider playing Mild Draughts for
      pennies. Oh, the excitement!

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      Androgyna Majestis 24 Oct - 22 Nov

      Your sports: International Standard Pheasant Plucking; Rim Surfing

      International Standard Pheasant Plucking, a sport that should not be
      taken up by those with a speech defect, unless they happen to be
      members of the Guild of Seamstresses, is far more fascinating than it
      sounds (and not for reasons having to do with speech impediments or
      Seamstressing). Even if the though of fowl-plucking seems foul,
      publicly plucking a plump pheasant can be perforce profitably
      pleasant - yes, there are cash prizes awarded at International
      Standard Pheasant Plucking competitions for the most precipitously
      punctilious pluckers, as well as for the most feather-free fowls and
      the most creatively conducted plucking performances. What's more,
      extra accolades can be won for specialising in the cruelty-free live
      plucking of broody hen pheasants. Come on now, wouldn't you like to
      be known as an awesome Mother Plucker? International Standard
      Pheasant Plucking does require quite a lot of plucking practice, but
      if you persevere, not only will you never be lost for words when
      someone shouts "Pluck this!", you'll also be a family favourite
      during holiday-time dinner preparations. And you might even achieve
      the dream of every aspiring plucker and win the Grand Prize at the
      famous yearly Sto Lat Pluck-Off. So get clucking and have yourself a
      plucking good time!

      Adventurous Andies will want to book a tour cruise in time for the
      Rim Surfing season. The beautiful Rimfall sunsets, the gently lapping
      ocean, the mostly-fruit drinks with little paper umbrellas in them,
      the hot surfer girls...what are you waiting for? The Rim Surfing
      circuit - I'm sorry, I almost said "circus" there - is among the mot
      glamorous of all sporting circles, surpassed only by the glitz and
      glitter of Formula One coach racing. You'll need a good surfboard,
      flowered swimming trunks that don't fall down at inopportune moments,
      suntan lotion, towels, board wax and both varieties of six-pack. You
      might also want to invest in a good net and safety line; although the
      professional Rim Surfing Association tournaments feature fully
      trained retrieval teams, the sport is rife with tales of surfers who
      went too near the Rimfall and were never seen again, and even more
      fanciful - maybe! - tales of colonies of Lost Surfers living on
      bedrock outcrops under the Fall. Then again, it beats being forever
      stranded on a desert island!

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      Great T'Phon's Foot 23 Nov - 21 Dec

      Your sports: Squidditch; Rice Hockey

      One of the most active - and interspecies interactive - sports,
      Squidditch is related to Water Polo and is favoured by all coastal
      dwellers and island populations. An elaborate and complicated sport
      requiring the services of professional squid-wranglers, shark-
      chasers, seaweed-harvesters and swimwear manufacturers, Squidditch
      has long been the province of wealthy hydrophiles, but advances in
      the field of fast-growing domesticated Giant Squid biology have now
      brought this magnificent sport down to the level of the hoi polloi.
      Play takes place in an oval pitch 500 feet wide, 180 feet long and a
      quarter-league deep; two blowfish are used in the match, plus a Sea
      Cucumber (which is used for scoring goals) and a gilded Sea Urchin
      (which has been treated by Krullese Hydrophobe wizards and is thus
      pretty much impossible to catch); teams consist of seven-plus-one
      players, each riding a trained squid. Matches can go on for a very
      long time - nearly as long as Llamedosian Cricket matches, if rain
      ever stopped for long enough to play a full match - and only end when
      the Sea Urchin is caught, or at the agreement of both team captains,
      or at nightfall, or in case of hurricanes, tidal waves, naval
      invasions or waterspouts. The winner of the game is the team with the
      most points, or fewest drowned members. Fourecksian Indoor Rules
      Squidditch operates along the same lines, except that the squid are
      smaller and more beer is involved.

      Rice Hockey was first developed in the flooded rice fields of Agatea
      and then exported to the barbarian nations in order to give Agateans
      a good laugh. Why a good laugh? Ah well, if you know what Agateans
      traditionally fertilise their rice fields with, that should tell you
      all you ever wanted to know about the origins of Rice Hockey (no, I
      don't know how to say "Ewwww! Get that thing away from me!" in
      Hunghungese). As played in more civili-, um, barbarian lands, Rice
      Hockey uses less fragrant pucks (generally, they are made from
      compressed bricks of turf) but is still played on a flooded pitch,
      so fishermen's waders and waterproof clothing are required.
      Protective armour is recommended, especially for the goalkeeper! The
      winning side gets to take the pucks home; this is very useful, as
      they burn exceptionally well when dried. Note: Field Hockey, a
      related sport popular at girls' schools, is considered far too
      dangerous for boys or adults.

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      Hoki the Jokester 22 Dec - 20 Jan

      Your sports: Table Fencing; Shoplifting

      Originally developed as a variant of the Agatean sport of Pong-Ping,
      Table Fencing combines the most enthralling aspects of indoor tennis
      and swordplay and is suitable for developing agility and self-
      preservation in Table Fencers of all ages. This is a sport that,
      although played indoors, requires plenty of room (especially for the
      spectators), as rapiers are the official Table Fencing weapon and
      they tend to be over a yard long, not counting the length of a
      Fencer's natural reach. Since rapiers are also light, easy to handle
      and of very little use for cutting off heads or hacking through
      chains holding captive princesses in torchlit dungeons, the sport
      tends to attract lightly built, agile players rather than brute-
      force musclebound oiks or Hubland barbarians (same thing, really,
      only the former tend to speak in bad-part-of-the-city patois and have
      far less interest in treading jewelled thrones under their sandalled
      feet, yadda yadda); serious Table Fencers are often also accomplished
      gymnasts with good minds for strategy. Apart from a good rapier and
      well-fitted lightweight armour, you'll need a table sturdy enough to
      support two gyrating players (check at strip clubs going through a
      refit), good light, and an experienced set of judges. The acquisition
      of duelling scars is favoured; the
      legendary swordmaster Rodeo "Iron Bottom" CapoFrodo, revered founder
      of Table Fencing, was always proud to point out that none of his best
      scars came from duels less than three feet above floor level. These
      days, Fencers are supposed to keep their rapiers tipped, but the more
      daring and/or foolish always have a way of finding that "Oops! Sorry
      old chap, seem to have lost my safety!" moment. Table Fencing is all
      fun and games until someone loses a tip, and someone else loses and eye.

      Shoplifting is a sport that separates the strongmen from the wusses.
      It also often separates the trapezius muscles from the collarbones
      and rings the cash drawers of hernia specialists.The best way to
      develop good Shoplifting technique is to start small and work your
      way upward: hawkers' tents, which are quite light, are a good place
      to start, and then move on to mobile grills, then chip vans, then
      semi-permanent market stalls, and by then you're on your way to the
      big time and even a medium-sized boutique should eventually be within
      your reach! Of course, every dedicated Shoplifter's impossible dream
      is to raise an entire department store at least three inches above
      ground level, but that's simply...impossible - then again, that's
      what they used to say about the four-minute mile, so maybe the 5,000-
      tonne Shoplift will someday come to pass.

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      The Rather Large Gazunda 21 Jan - 18 Feb

      Your sports: Conkquers; Curling

      Conkquers (once Conq-Ido) is yet another sporting activity exported
      from the Agatean Empire. Although it bears a passing resemblance to
      the Roundworld children's game of Conkers, Conkquers-with-an-added-Q
      is far more daring and dangerous because it is played with miniature
      Barking Dogs filled with Agatean Thunder Clay. Miniature *lit*
      Barking Dogs filled with Agatean Thunder Clay. And possessing very
      short fuses. Since the object of Conkquers is to break your
      opponent's piece with your own, this can result in some spectacular
      explosions that send both contestants to that great clay quarry in
      the sky - which thus means that Conkquers is as much a test of sheer
      nerve as it is of true aim and excellent running-away speed. The
      secret of a winning "Laddie", it is said, is clever packing of the
      Thunder Clay, making sure that it is marbled with damp patches to
      slow down but not completely dampen the volatility of the filling;
      this gives you the chance of striking your opponent's piece more
      times before your own goes boom. Of course, you still have to run if
      you do break it before it ignites, as being hit hard enough
      repeatedly with a heavy object with *also* set off your opponent's
      Laddie. Practise your speed-starts and remember the traditional
      Hunghungese Conq-Ido cry: "Dhuk yu-suk ah!"

      Curling is an activity that gives you two thrills - no, three - in
      one sport: healthy physical activity, artistic expression, and, yes,
      the commission of crime (note careful lack of capitalisation: the
      Commission of Crime is a semi-secret, that is to say unproven, branch
      of the Breccia, and you surely don't want to mix it up with *those*
      mountain-bred muhfuhs). Well, anti-crime, I suppose, because Curling
      involves sneaking up on unsuspecting ladies (and the occasional
      long-haired men) and giving them a cut and fast-setting perm
      _without_their_knowledge_until_after_the_event_. As you can imagine,
      this is a tricky business indeed, but experienced Curlers have been
      known to commit (although they call it "administering" or "municipal
      beautification works") a complete set, colour and styling in under
      fifteen minutes! Appropriately, the common punishment for Curlers
      apprehended in the act is a compulsory head shave, as well as
      confiscation of their scissors and curling tongs. Mind you,
      sometimes, if you pick the right victim, you might instead find
      yourself in possession of a healthy tip and the Clacks addresses of a
      multitude of wealthy widows longing for tonsorial attention.

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      Lesser Umbrage 19 Feb - 20 Mar

      Your sports: Body Building; Dwarf Tossing/Dwarf Shaving

      Body Building is the ancient traditional sport of Igors and should
      not be confused with the practice of developing ridiculously
      oversized muscles - although come to think of it, vat-grown muscles
      are an Igor speciality and having the strength of ten average clerks
      can certainly be an advantage when robbing graves for spare Body
      Building parts! So if you're a bodybuilder who wants to take up Body
      Building, you're well ahead of the game; not only are you muscled
      like a Sonky full of walnuts, but you'll already have a good working
      knowledge of how muscles work and what goes where, on the outer bits
      at least. To become a successful Body Builder, you will need the
      following: one laboratory situated in a high, desolate place
      (mountaintops are preferred but not compulsory); one heavy-duty
      lightning rod; one complete surgery kit (including a good bone saw,
      trepanning kit, strong dissolvable sutures and stronger non-
      dissolvable sutures, a full set of neck bolts, several quarts of
      Mammal-Gro [patent pending] and those fiddly little tools for dealing
      with those fiddly little jobs like attaching nerve endings to brain
      stems); one marble slab (restraining chains recommended); one stained
      white coat; and a large supply of rubber gloves (speaking of
      Sonkies...). Body Building doesn't have a scoring system as such, but
      gaining the coveted Prix de Petri at the annual Allcomers' Body
      Building Championships in Uberwald makes all that hard work and
      grave-robbing worthwhile.

      Dwarf Tossing is exactly what you think it is: the tossing of Dwarfs
      for fun and prizes. This makes it a dangerous sport, not only for the
      Dwarfs themselves but for the poor buggers who have to capture them
      and then face an angry mob of Campaign for Equal Heights
      activists.Nonetheless, it's a popular competition in many parts of
      the Disc (though not in Copperhead!) and a highlight of fairs, fetes
      and embarrassingly fertility-rite-driven seasonal gatherings. The
      rules are simple - muscle power only, no additional equipment allowed
      (siege catapults and cannons are particularly frowned upon); throwers
      are allowed a short run-up but may not have any part of their body
      over the toss line when the Dwarf is released. A good sport for
      barbarian heroes and bodybuilders (see entry above). Those of a more
      Xtreme bent can go in for Dwarf Shaving, but be warned that the
      Dwarfs shaved will be very dangerous and the angry mobs will be
      considerably larger.
      oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
      End of Part 5 of 6, says my computer
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      If you did not get all 6 parts, write: jschaum111@...
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