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9) THE NEW DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE - APR> SEPT

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  • JSCHAUM111@aol.com
    WOSSNAME -- APRIL 2007-- PART 4 OF 6 (continued) ... oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo ====Part 4 - HOROSCOPE - Section 1 9) THE NEW DISCWORLD
    Message 1 of 1 , May 4, 2007
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      WOSSNAME -- APRIL 2007-- PART 4 OF 6 (continued)
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      oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

      ====Part 4 - HOROSCOPE - Section 1

      9) THE NEW DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE - APR> SEPT

      by Lady Anaemia Asterisk

      A QUESTION OF SPORT
      ------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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      Spring is springing! And don't you just feel your tired, stodgy
      winter body crying out for some healthy activity out in the fresh
      air? Well, my little starry-eyed potoroos, I have just the thing for
      you: an astro-illogically calculated list of sports and games most
      suitable for each Sign. That will get your blood racing and your
      endorphins endorphing! Of course, down in the continent of XXXX,
      everyone's winding down for the coming winter, but as they're all
      sport-mad there anyway I'm sure the Fourecksian horoscope-followers
      will take pleasure in, and inspiration from, my suggestions. So
      gather your balls and hitch up your trouser legs and get ready to
      play the best of what the Disc has to offer in healthy activities.
      Game on!

      [Note: some of these sports are somewhat Ankh-Morpork-specific. If
      you can't get to A-M to participate, use your imagination...and be
      thankful that the non-A-M versions are almost assuredly far less
      life-threatening.]

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      The Adamant Hedgehog 21 Mar - 20 Apr

      Your sports: Feegle Baiting; the Sport of Kings

      Feegle Baiting is one of the easiest sports to play. It's also one of
      the most active, and definitely one of the most dangerous! It can be
      played by any number of players, even one, although there is
      undoubtedly relative safety in crowds. To play, first collect your
      Feegles - this can be done by opening any pre-prepared bottle of
      strong drink (i.e one with a long strong string tied around the neck,
      or for preference, a long strong string tied to a full webbing
      harness around the bottle) and then sidling away whilst holding the
      other end of the string and keeping your eyes constantly on the
      bottle (do NOT take your eyes off the bottle for even one second!
      Feegles are very fast, especially when it comes to the stealin' o'
      the likker). When a blur of blue and a chorus of tiny voices shouting
      "CRIVENS!" announce the presence of your Feegles, tug hard on the
      string; this is the Baiting part. Now for the most important part:
      RUN! Fleetness of foot is the only thing standing between you and a
      horde of infuriated Feegles. Surviving players tend to do very well
      at track events in the Celestic Games, although in the case of Feegle
      Baiting there's no gain without a *lot* of pain.

      Contrary to popular Roundworld opinion, the Sport of Kings has little
      to do with horse racing and everything to do with invading your
      neighbour under hostile pretences. One of the most ancient of sports,
      tSoK has been played since long before there even *were* kings. All
      that is required for players is a pointy spear, broadsword or siege
      engine and, for advanced-level players, a horde of bloodthirsty
      mercenaries and gormless conscripts. The rules are as follows: there
      are no rules. Taking of prisoners is optional; devastation,
      decimation and sowing of the target ground with salt are all long-
      standing game ploys. In tSoK, the traditional cries of the losing
      players are "ARRGH!", "Noooo!", "Mercy!" and "Oh no, not AGAIN?!"
      (this last cry is especially-often used in Borogravia), and each
      player's personal cheer is "Still not King yet!"

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      Gahoolie, the Vase of Tulips 21 Apr - 21 May

      Your sports: Assassination Football; Llamedosian Cricket

      No sport brings home the fragility of life quite like Assassination
      Football! Also known as the Sport of the Nemesis of Kings,
      Assassination Football is fast-paced, exciting, unpredictable...and
      often lethal. In fact, it's the only sport in which body count is an
      essential part of the scoring system. Each match is played by a team
      of twelve Designated Assassins and six Designated Victims. There are
      no restrictions on equipment, no special clothing required (although
      dark or camouflage clothing is traditionally recommended), and the
      only limitation on play is time - Assassination Football matches must
      never run over ninety minutes; there are also six Time Outs allocated
      per match, and a half-time changeover (when surviving Victims are
      exchanged, so competition in the first half is always exceptionally
      keen). Ten extra points are awarded, by decision of the referee, for
      especially creative methods of inhumation. While referees are usually
      senior members of the Assassins' Guild, provincial matches tend to
      make do with any convenient hanging judge or nearby professional
      torturer. Note: Designated Victims who survive a match will drink for
      free for the rest of their lives - which, unless they feel a suicidal
      urge to enter a subsequent match, can mean many safe and comfortable
      years of drinking. Surprisingly though, former Victims tend to die
      young of non-AF-related liver poisoning.

      Llamedosian Cricket is a bit of a mystery sport. Certainly details of
      the number of players to a side (seven plus four) and the necessary
      equipment (bats of bog ironwood, balls of specially-prepared
      tightly-wrapped bull-hide leather, safety pads of imported Agatean
      cotton, helmets and stumps of imported Howondaland canewillow) are
      well documented, but no-one is quite sure of the actual nature of a
      Llamedosian Cricket match because every game in history has been
      stopped on account of rain. But according to the annals of XXXX,
      where a drier version of Llamedosian Cricket is played, each match
      takes several days and includes mysterious rituals involving cucumber
      sandwiches, beer, tea, long conversations about the weather, beer,
      picnic baskets, comments about holding willies, beer, scandals, and beer.

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      Herne the Hunted 22 May - 21 Jun

      Your sports: Mime Sprinting; Tower of Art Abseiling

      Hernians, though usually pastoral souls, are well suited for the
      sport of Mime Sprinting even though it was invented in the urban
      jungle of Ankh-Morpork. The object of the competition is to perform
      mime for as long as possible, and then to run away as quickly as
      possible when "made" by the local law, other emissaries of Lord
      Vetinari (Patrician to the huddled masses and noted mime-hater), or
      angry troupes of legitimate actors armed with burning torches, tar,
      feathers and pitchforks (after all, it's not often that troupes of
      actors get to turn the tables in this manner); for this reason, slow-
      developing mime routines combined with at least ten hours per week of
      wind-sprint training are recommended for those who wish to excel.
      Although special clothing is not strictly necessary, sturdy rubber-
      soled shoes suitable for silent running will improve your score and
      quite possibly preserve your very life, at least to the point of
      keeping you safely away from scorpion pits. Similarly, painting your
      face white will make you much harder to recognise when not
      participating in Mime Sprinting. What, you thought that mimes painted
      their faces white just for decoration? The longest recorded
      time for an uninterrupted Mime Sprinting mime is three minutes and
      twenty-one seconds, though legend has it that Mundo Bakelite of
      Lobsneaks once managed an entire ten minutes; sadly, he is no longer
      around to confirm this, having been captured by a passing mob of
      unemployed actors, thrown into the Ankh and then squashed by a
      runaway Gungee Jumper.

      Tower of Art abseiling is one of the most pulse-pounding of
      specialist Xtreme sports, fraught with danger at every turn. Not only
      do you have to get to the top of the tower unobserved, past human and
      magickal guards, but once at the top - and for half of the journey
      down - you have to avoid being terminally pecked by the mutant ToA
      ravens (who are well clever enough to figure out how to fray an
      abseiling rope beyond its tensile strength before you get down to a
      safe falling distance), and then there's the matter of, should you
      have been espied by members of the Faculty or senior students,
      literally not knowing what shape you'll be in when you reach the
      ground. Not for the faint of heart, vertigo sufferers, or anyone with
      an aversion to spending the rest of their lives as a small green toad.

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      The Wizard's Staff and Knob 22 Jun - 22 Jul

      Your sports: Elevennis; Very BadMinton

      Elevennis, originally developed in the court of Mad King Soup, is
      traditionally played with bread rolls and butter paddles at the hour
      of Second Breakfast. Two players, or two teams of two players each,
      stand at opposite ends of a long dining table and attempt to pelt
      their opposition with rolls. Players may move up to the centre of the
      table (climbing on the table is encouraged) and to either side of the
      table as far as the sideboards and warming trays. Elevennis is scored
      as follows: fifteen points ("Fifteen!") for each head or upper body
      strike; zero points ("Missed! Hah!") for each strike below the waist
      or elsewhere in the room; minus fifteen points ("Doofus!") for
      hitting any other food dishes; also, any player causing spillage of
      food or drink requires the referee to shout "Juice!" Whoever scores
      120 points first is declared the winner. Using stale bread rolls,
      multigrain rolls or dwarf bread constitutes a foul and instant
      forfeiture of the match. Historical note: it was originally de
      rigueur for each player to shout "Serve!" before batting, but this
      has fallen into disuse due to the size of cleaning bills and injuries
      to waiters.

      Very BadMinton is rather like Badminton, but played with gnomes
      instead of shuttlecocks. As this results in a number of very angry
      gnomes, the object is to keep your gnome in the air for as long as
      possible so as to avoid being attacked by a furious, somewhat dizzy
      and headsore gnome. The most exciting part of Very BadMinton comes
      *after* the match, when spectators enjoy the sight of players being
      chased by very angry, somewhat dizzy, headsore and totally unfettered
      gnomes. Very BadMinton requires no special clothing, but well-fitted
      chain mail is recommended, as are suitable running shoes.

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      Bilious, God of Hangovers 23 Jul - 23 Aug

      Your sports: Gungee Jumping; Hurling

      Gungee Jumping was developed in Ankh-Morpork and requires either the
      River Ankh or, in other regions, any severely silted and reeking
      river, although it can also be practised with silted, reeking ponds,
      former millraces, spring-filled quarries and, if you're truly brave,
      uncharted swamps. You will also need a very strong, long elastic rope
      (somewhat longer than the distance between the top of the jumping-off
      point and the calculated bottom of the target gunge), a high building
      or gantry, nose and ear plugs and a liberal supply of disinfectant.
      To play, go to your designated jumping-off place, tie the rope
      firmly to the most immovable projection you can find there, tie the
      other end of the rope firmly around your ankle of choice, and...jump!
      Few sporting thrills can match that of seeing an expanse of toxic
      gunge coming ever closer as you plummet toward it, and there's the
      additional excitement of not really knowing how deep the gunge is,
      not really knowing how solid the gunge is, not knowing whether the
      ends of the rope are tied tightly enough, and of course, not knowing
      if you will get stuck in the gunge and require resuscitation when
      your spectators finally manage to pull you out. Oh yes, I forgot
      to mention the most vital piece of equipment - spectators. And a team
      of parahealers. For those who desire all the poisonous danger of
      Gungee Jumping without the actual jumping, there's always Competitive
      Ankh Guzzling, a sport that takes "a yard of" beverage quite literally.

      Hurling, in Roundworld, is a field sport of ancient and noble
      heritage, but for you Bilians, it's quite literal. This game is
      played by any beings with access to excess - alcoholic beverages are
      traditional, but enormous meals can do just as well and are often far
      more impressively colourful - and a weak stomach (or strong
      diaphragm). I don't think I need to draw a picture of how to play
      (eww!), but be aware that scoring is based on volume and distance.
      The current record for volume is six gallons, and the current record
      for distance is a truly impressive whole nine yards.

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      Mubbo the Hyena 24 Aug - 23 Sept

      Your sports: Tag Team Vampire Staking; Pyramid Skiing

      Tag Team Vampire Staking is surely the noblest of blood-sports, and
      also the best organised, as there are no dangerously mad horses or
      baying scent-crazed packs of hounds to deal with; all you need, apart
      from the players, is four willing vampires, one sympathetic umpire
      and a chrono-imp who can count in fractions of seconds...and a good
      supply of freshly sharpened stakes. TTVS takes place at a crossroads
      after sunset, of course, and traditionally consists of four-person
      teams. The object is to stake your vampire as soon as the umpire
      blows his whistle, then return behind the chalk line and touch
      the next member of your team. This is harder than it sounds, as the
      vampires will merely be tethered rather than spread-eagled and thus
      free to dodge. The umpire must be supplied with phials of blood for
      reviving the vampires between each team's go. As for where to find
      your vampires, Black Ribbon Society meetings are recommended - not
      only will there be a cadre of vampires willing to be amused in new
      ways, but as Black Ribboners they are unlikely to exsanguinate the
      losing team in any event.

      Pyramid Skiing is a geospecific sport, taking place only in
      Djelibeybi, but the thrill of it makes the cost of the journey
      worthwhile. The object is to ski down one of the Djeli Great
      Pyramids. Simple, yes? No, because - as any student of history knows
      - the Pyramids are temporally unstable, making any downpyramid run a
      thrilling exercise in variable time travel. The record for longest
      run currently stands at 35,577 years, and the current holder of the
      record for shortest run is Ethenbridge Border-Colley of Sto Helit,
      who left on a Tuesday and finished his run on the previous Octember.
      The Pyramid Slopes International is opened each year by Queen Ptraci
      I, and the opening ceremonies alone are worth travelling a long way
      for, as they feature a demonstration of Xtreme Pyramid Skiboarding.
      With crocodiles.
      oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
      End of Part 5 of 6, says my computer, Continued on Part 6 of 6.
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