WOSSNAME -- FEBRUARY 2007-- PART 3 OF 6 (continued)
====Part 3 - THE AUSDWCON - A PLETHORA OF REPORTS
2) A SPECIAL VIRTUAL REPORT - by H.P. Lovecraft
First, via mental telepathy, your editor has received a special virtual
ectoplasmic report from the spirit of H.P. Lovecraft, who outlined
the plans the Elder Gods had had for the AusDWCon, which
thankfully did not come to pass:
A. Arrival by car, bus, trains, planes, space vehicles, flying carpets
and a vast surge of eldritch creatures coming up from the ocean
B. Opening Ceremonies -- official roasting of the Con Committee and
GOH Mr.Pratchett, followed by the Grand Feast
C. Speech by Mr. Cthulhu on "Our Coming Invasion of Discworld"
D. Panels on the Necrotelicomnicon, People in Boxes
E. Musical Interlude by Erich Zann and Sacrifice
F. Panels on Dagonian Themes in the Vengeful Testament of Offler
and Travel Tips for Touring the Hell Dimensions
G. Closing Ceremonies -- BBQing and Eating of the Audience,
local Roos, Wallabies, and Visiting Drop Bears
3) THE EMPRESS HANIA'S IMPRESSIONS:
OGGLING IN PTERRYLAND
I, Hania, attended the main day of this month's AusDWcon in
Melbourne, Fourecks, as a roving reporter for WOSSNAME. Here
are some of my observations:
Terry was fully afraid of me in the morning when I was chatting to him
in the lobby...(tehehehe) - and remembers me well...*lol*... (mostly for
my lost wallet last time....he didn't recognise the tits at first...)
[Managing Editor's note: yeah, right. As if he'd forget the last few
times Hania met him, including a signing two years ago when his daughter
Rhianna, scanning the queue, spotted Hania and her dreaded Rubber Thing,
turned pale, and sprinted back into the bookstore going "Daaaad! It's
THAT WOMAN again!"]
...and then kept us waiting whilst he chatted for a length of time with
me and my friend Tania...we felt it rude if we ran away to the first
event we needed to be at - so we chatted back.
The con itself was very fun.
He signed the tits. One pair for us all (will get pictures) and another
that I brought along for the breast cancer foundation (which he signed
"feel a right tit" and drew an arrow pointing to the right tit....)
The plays were excellent - especially Wyrd Sisters - very well done.
Magrat was gorgeous! And very believable, same as Duke Felmet .The
performance of Mort wasn't as professional, but there was plenty of
enthusiasm so I enjoyed it anyway.
The Young Readers panel was excellent! Some of those kids are bloody
smart!! Especially the one who was, like, eleven. Most of the kids on
the panel understood all the punes, jokes and culture references in the
Discworld books - though one boy of about 17 talked about how he didn't
get some of the double and single entendres when he was younger, and had
even more fun when he re-read them pretty recently (now that he's a
young man of the world, hehehehe).
I got to go to the ball. I was accosted, like, by a Casanunda, and a
doctor. An elderly man next to me kept pouring me single malt whiskey,
and I got to dance all sexy like with the lovely Tania to a rendition of
I had a number of people tell me I made a great young Ogg (wait till ya
sees the photos. I had see-through pantaloons included...) Woot woot
There was a door in one room that had a sign on it. It read, "This is
not a door"!
I was seedy by 2.30am and got a taxi home and unbridled my passion.
Well...undid my corsets, like, sighed with relief, and fell asleep with
my signed copy of Wintersmith in my hands. What a day it was!'
THE SIGNING OF THE OGG BOOBIES
by CMOT Dibbler, a purveyor of purveyables
[Editor's note: We have no idea if any of this is true, but
knowing Mr.Dibbler, the possibilities of truth are truly
I, Hania Ogg, Empress of the plastic boobies and leading witchy
Oggling of upper and lower Fourecks, have graciously consented to
being interviewed by Mr Dibbler, after the Great Boobies Signing at
Wearing a low-cut Oggish everything, I mingled with the less
colourful devotees awaiting the Master. Hundreds of people were
there: men, women, girls and little boys, dressed in everything
from tuxedos and evening gowns to kangaroo skins.
They babbled incessantly:
"Is that him?" ... "My, he's handsome." "Kind of short, though."
... "Doesn't look like his book jacket photos." ... "Why is that
lady carrying plastic knockers?" ... "Don't ask."
Mr Pratchett was wearing a crocodile hunter's outfit, greatly admired
by the ladies in the line and envied by the men. On his head was his
official Klatchian Foreign Legion kepi, indicating his high rank in
the Legion. This is true, of course, no possible shadow of doubt
After a long wait, I approached the great man, waving my plastic
goodies. Terry saw me and cringed, looking around for an escape
route. However, my minions had blocked all the exits. He was
trapped! Slamming my plastic treasures down on the table in front of
him, I smiled dangerously and said, "Hello again, Mr. Pratchett.
Please sign these -- or else. Gotcha!"
"Where do I sign," he mumbled, his face turning a bright red and
his body twitching nervously. Behind me, people snickered and
some of the ladies wished aloud they should have removed various
items of intimate apparel to be signed, too.
His hands shaking, Pterry quickly scribbled a message on the plastic
mounds of delight, reading: "We who are about to sign, salute you!"
and looked hopefully at the young man next in line, who was only
carrying a book.
"Move along, move along!" said the convention people, and I
stepped away, waving the signed plastic boobs in a circle to the
great delight of the crowd. Then, according to unsubstantiated
rumour, I threw my arms around Pterry and gave him a passionate
kiss as his face glowed an even brighter red and he whispered,"Please
don't tell my wife." If anyone out there has iconographs to prove
this, a certain Mr de Worde would be very interested in publishing same.
It was a fascinating affair, marred only by the patrons'
reluctance to purchase any of Mr Dibbler's guaranteed pork
products inna bun. It seems that paying their way in left them
strangely short of funds.
So as usual, Mr Dibbler had to cut his own throat and says he came
away from the convention with no profit to show for it. Must see if I
can get some of those iconographs to fall off the back of a passing cart...
4) SIGNING OF THE OGG BOOBIES: PHOTO REPORT
by Sappy Pearwood
Courtesy of Paul Blake! The entire collection can be viewed at:
...and includes a fine one of Pterry signing the famous Ogg chest :-) Each
photograph is HUGE (the one I've attached here has been resized), but I
think it's definitely worth including the above link in the Hania interview!
[ Ed. note -- not on my dinky little computer. All I get is a black blur.]
5) ON THE SCENE REPORTS FROM AUSTRALIA -
by Paul Blake and the LibWolf
PAUL and LIBWOLF Go To the AusDWCon
[Please note - it is quite possible that Wolfie didn't go to the same
convention as Hania Ogg....or, for that matter, as Paul did! - Annie Mac]
Q: How was the turnout for the convention - as eyeballed by yourself,
Paul: Let's see - two, three hundred on Saturday for The Master's
Speech. All shapes and sizes. Youngest was Bub in Arms, eldest A
Crone on Broomstick. Possibly more on Sunday, going from other
Libwolf: But Only One Wolf!
Q: Can you tell me about the events? - the ones you attended (or
Paul: Friday night and most of Saturday (missing The Dinner) -
Pratchett V's Rowling, Wyrd Sisters (most of it), Mort (Magrat!
*droool*) Umm...Terry's Speech, Guide to Newbies. And Thud
Training, but that went straight over my head.
Wolf: We went to everything, of course! The Ceremonial Rowling BBQ,
the Break into Terry's Rooms to Try to Steal his PDA to Get the New
Stuff (Bastard keeps it on him!), stealing staircases from the hotel
- the usual.
Q: What were your overall impressions of AusDWcon - how well/poorly
itran, how well/poorly it seemed to be organised, whether there was
enough/too much time between events, etc...?
Paul: Did very well for a first time con - they had a great committee
& some help from the UK girls & guys. A different site may have
improved things - layout was odd and was impersonal. Dealers were a
bit thin on the ground, but that's to be expected the first time out.
Q: What were your favourite moments?
Paul: Toss-up between Pterry jumping in on the Pratchett V's Rowling
debate and Rincewind's "YOU BASTARD!" to Terry.
Wolf: Heh heh heh - that's between me and the three young...- heh heh heh
Q: Now, about that ol' 'Discworld-y spirit' - was there any? - if so,
Paul: Well, lots of Discworld Fans, admiration of T-shirts (if I
remember, I'll send a pic of my OOK! shirt). Discworld flavour to
Wolf: Spirits? Spirits? There was wine and beer, but I didn't see any
Q: People in costume - any good 'uns?
Paul: Two duck girls, a few Susans, a couple of great Grannys. And
Young Nanny Ogg of course. I'll sort though my pics and post a few of
the goodies. There is always
Wolf: There were people in costume? That's not how they normally
dress!?! Could have fooled me...
Q: What were your impressions of Pterry himself (and his reaction to
Hania, if witnessed)? I know you've met him before at signings.
Paul: He did seem very tired - maybe next time The Con could fly him
and her out a week early, give him a chance to relax. He did really
spark up during the Pratchett vs Rowling debate - was sitting up the
back at the start and just couldn't keep out of it - ended up on the
panel. And hearing him talking about gold and silversmithing was
great. Little silver beees! As for Hania - "You again!"
Wolf: He was so tired I got away with one of his teeth!
Q: Did you get a chance to watch the Young Readers panel? Hania said
this event was exceptionally interesting.
Paul: Didn't get to that one.
Wolf: Me neither - was probably sleeping it off. Sleeping
Q: Did you see both plays, Wyrd Sisters and Mort? - and if so, your
verdict(s) on them?
Paul: Loved both of them - didn't get to see the end of Mort (Let's
see - watch rest of this play...Listen to The Master...no contest
...). Would cheerfully have sat and watched them again.
Wolf: All they needed (apart from starting on time!) was an orangutan
in the front row with a bag of peanuts! No Lords or Ladies spotted.
Q: Was there karaoke as threatened or did they ~cough cough~
Wolf: Just myself on the golf course, singing at the top of my lungs!
Q: What were your impressions of the virtual Guests of Honour - any
or all witnessed (Hania said Colin Smythe was fascinating and witty,
and I'm not just saying that because he sends us great Pterry-news tips)?
Paul: Through one thing and another, I missed all the virtual guests.
Wolf: Yeah - the ones that were actually there were fascinating enough!
Paul & Wolf: Bring on the next one! We'll both be there!
End of Part 3, says my computer -- continued on Part 4 of 6
If you did not get all 6 parts, write: jschaum111@...
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