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WOSSNAME -- JANUARY 2007 -- PART 4 OF 5 (continued)

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  • JSCHAUM111@aol.com
    WOSSNAME -- JANUARY 2007 -- PART 4 OF 5 (continued) ... oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo 11) WEIRD ALICE S SONG OF THE MONTH A note from
    Message 1 of 1 , Jan 31, 2007
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      WOSSNAME -- JANUARY 2007 -- PART 4 OF 5 (continued)
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      11) WEIRD ALICE'S SONG OF THE MONTH

      A note from Miss Lancrevic: "I sometimes have been a bit irritated
      at my Roundworld counterpart for his persistent obsession with
      writing songs about food, but hey, there are times when a demented
      lady bard's gotta do what a demented lady bard's gotta do. Enjoy."

      MORPORKIAN PIE
      by Weird Alice Lancrevic
      (with apologies to Don McLean)

      A long, long time ago
      I can still remember
      How Mum's Slumpie used to make me drool
      And I knew if I ate small meals
      Then I could scoff her jellied eels
      And make my stomach happy as a Fool
      But then I learned to eat like wizards
      Those gourmet foods abused my gizzard
      Salads in between 'em
      Won't save my duodenum
      I can't remember why I tried
      Something wise folk warned was foodicide
      But acid scourged me deep and wide
      From meat that Dibbler fried.

      So ai-yi, Ankh-Morporkian pie
      Makes you quiver in the privy
      Thinkin' you're gonna die
      That bad old poison
      Brings a tear to your eye
      Sayin' "This'll be the last that I buy,
      "This'll be the last that I buy..."

      Would you bite Rat Onna Stick
      And do you have faith in Spotted Dick
      If Ogg's cookbook tells you so?
      Do you believe in Wow-Wow Sauce?
      Can teeth be saved by minted floss?
      And can you teach me how to knead Dwarf dough?
      Well, I know that you've been tucking in
      'cause I see that you're no longer thin
      You sure inhaled those dips
      And you ate ten kilos of chips
      I always kept my belt from getting tight
      By avoiding chocs and Klatchian Delight
      But my will can no longer fight
      The lure of Dibbler's pies

      I've started bingein' -
      Ai-yi, Ankh-Morporkian pie
      Makes you quiver in the privy
      Thinkin' you're gonna die
      That bad old poison
      Brings a tear to your eye
      Sayin' "This'll be the last that I buy,
      "This'll be the last that I buy..."

      Now for thirty years in Sator Square
      Ol' Throat has flogged his unsav'ry wares
      But that's not what I used to eat
      When the tasters toiled for Patricians grand
      And the simple folk in Morpork land
      Had a choice of health foods or Named Meat
      Oh, but then came Dibbler with his tray
      Of greasy meats in shades of grey
      The sauce was laid on thick
      The locals all got sick
      And while good nutrition bought the farm
      The Knuckle Sandwich lost its charm
      And guts contracted in alarm
      At meat that Dibbler fried

      We were whingein' -
      Ai-yi, Ankh-Morporkian pie
      Makes you quiver in the privy
      Thinkin' you're gonna die
      That bad old poison
      Brings a tear to your eye
      Sayin' "This'll be the last that I buy,
      "This'll be the last that I buy..."

      Pity punters in pursuit of piggin'
      Who got off light with a mouldy figgin
      Stinking high the fashion rose
      For foodstuffs partly decomposed
      While Gimlet tried for a novel take
      With a chilli coulis over fried rat steak
      Though it didn't smell of sweet perfume
      (More a subtle reek of Eau de Koom)
      We all threw up en masse
      But with just a touch of class
      'cause the flavours were a smorgasbord
      Of esters best left unexplored
      And all survivors could afford
      Were trays of Dibbler's pies

      We started hurling -
      Ai-yi, Ankh-Morporkian pie
      Makes you quiver in the privy
      Thinkin' you're gonna die
      That bad old poison
      Brings a tear to your eye
      Sayin' "This'll be the last that I buy,
      "This'll be the last that I buy..."

      Oh, and there we were with egg on face:
      A generation of bad taste
      Ensnared by sausage inna bun
      So come on - drink your scumble, grab your bibs
      Sham Harga's got a stack of ribs
      That's neither overcooked nor underdone
      Oh, and walk on by that overcoat
      Til Dibbler *does* cut his own throat
      No diners in this town
      Could choke that sausage down
      And as his victims retched on through the night
      Pursued by gastronomic blight
      I saw Gaspode spitting out a bite
      Of meat that Dibbler fried

      And he was barking -
      Ai-yi, Ankh-Morporkian pie
      Makes you quiver in the privy
      Thinkin' you're gonna die
      That bad old poison
      Brings a tear to your eye
      Sayin' "This'll be the last that I buy,
      "This'll be the last that I buy..."

      I met a chef who cooked for queens
      And asked him for a plate of beans
      But he just frowned and said, "No way!"
      I went down to the Mended Drum
      Where I used to eat, and asked for some
      But the barman said those pies were here to stay
      And in the Shades, no Distressed Pud
      Just mouldy pies tasting worse than wood
      Suspiciously town dump-y
      And not one plate of Slumpie!
      And the dishes I enjoyed the most
      Are now replaced by pastries gross
      I'd sell my soul to lay the ghost
      Of Dibbler's deadly pies

      Gimmeasnappysandwich -
      Ai-yi, Ankh-Morporkian pie
      Makes you quiver in the privy
      Thinkin' you're gonna die
      That bad old poison
      Brings a tear to your eye
      Sayin' "This'll be the last that I buy,
      "This'll be the last that I buy..."

      Why try Ankh-Morporkian pie?
      Give me taters, alligators
      Or beef dripping on rye
      Don't offer pasties
      Or I'll spit in your eye
      Tell ya, this will be the last one I buy!


      For those of you who wish to compare the original lyrics:
      http://www.lyrics007.com/Don%20McLean%20Lyrics/
      American%20Pie%20Lyrics.html
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      12) WYRD SISTERS IN CHESTERFIELD AND YEOVIL

      Last minute news note:
      Tabs Productions will be presenting Terry Pratchett's "Wyrd Sisters" in
      Chesterfield and Yeovil during May and June 2007.

      May:
      Pomegranate Theatre, Chesterfield
      Dates: Sat 26 May - Sat 2 June 2007
      Tickets are £9.00 with concessions at £7.00.
      The Sat 26 performance is a preview night with tickets costing £5.00.

      Pomegranate Theatre
      Box Office 01246 345222 Theatre
      Web Site :
      www.pomegranatetheatre.co.uk

      June:
      Octagon theatre in Yeovil.
      Ticket prices: not yet confirmed
      Dates: Tues 12 June - Thu 14 June 2007

      Octagon Theatre:
      Box Office: 01935422884
      Website: www.octagon-theatre.co.uk
      Email: octagontheatre@...
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      End of Part 4, says my computer -- continued on Part 5 of 5
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