WOSSNAME -- JANUARY 2007 -- PART 3 OF 5 (continued)
- WOSSNAME -- JANUARY 2007 -- PART 3 OF 5 (continued)
(10) YOUR DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE (continued)
by Lady Anaemia Asterisk
The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct
Snail: a perfect pet for a Boring'un (as long as you avoid the
Ting Ling Giant Snail, which is said to suck the blood of victims
- leaving only a telltale of reddish slime), your snail will never
behave badly, attack the neighbours' children or steal your prize
potatoes. More timorous Boring'uns might prefer an ex-snail, also
known as a snail shell. You never need to feed it and it won't try
to make you feel guilty about being a neglectful pet owner.
Passive Pigeon: the Passive Pigeon sits quietly on its perch, does
its doings in the one spot you choose for it, eats whatever you can
be bothered to feed it, preens itself very quietly, only coos when
you're awake, and never makes any threatening beak gestures for
any reason whatsoever. What's not to like? But on no account EVER
buy a Passive Aggressive Pigeon; they channel the spirits of
reincarnated mothers-in-law and will make your life a living hells.
Jelly: half-alive yet rarely sentient, this unthreatening dessert
makes a perfect Boring'un pet. You can watch it at your leisure, and
for those times when you're feeling exceptionally brave, a timid
poke at its bowl will produce amusing wobbling effects. Never keep
a Jelly after it's begun to go green though (Lime Jellies are to be
avoided for the obvious reason) - green means that little Things are
eating it, and we all know you can't trust bacteria to stay where
Androgyna Majestis 24 Oct - 22 Nov
Bhangbhang Duck: the only fowl to ever rival rabbits in its single-
minded amorousness, the Bhangbhang Duck is also known as the ring-
necked WamBam. A beautiful creature, pleasant and easygoing when
it's not attempting to do the Wonders of Nature on your leg. Prefers
small ornamental ponds, wading pools, pocket marshes and seraglios.
Bhangbhang Ducks are hard to sex, though, despite their, um, nature;
if you purchase a pair of these lovely birds from an inexperienced
breeder, you may soon find out more about en-masse duck behaviour
than you ever thought you wanted to know.
Regal Bower Bird: another native of Bhangbhangduc, this gorgeous
midnight-blue bird is in essence the antithesis of the Bhangbhang
Duck - it's so socially awkward that it spends all its free time
collecting midnight-blue-coloured objects to furnish its nest with
in the hope that some female Bower Bird, somewhere, anywhere, will
be sufficiently impressed by the splendour of its proffered
bachelor-nest that she'll fall into his wings without all that
messy disheartening "look at me, I have an enormous tail feather!"
business. Note: not to be confused with the BeTrobi Islands Bowler
Bird, best known for its penchant for covering itself with dreadful
fluorescent print fabrics and for its mating cry of "I'm the Dude,
Brindisian Trouser Snake: yes, there really is such a snake. Yes,
it likes to make its nest in worn-out trousers. No, I'm not being
mettyforical. The Brindisian Trouser Snake, a non-venomous
constrictor with brown and black patterned scales, can grow to a
length of twelve feet, but rarely does so as twelve-foot-long
trousers are hard to find. It lives mainly on earthworms and root
vegetables, but in a pinch can consume rats, mice and small scruffy
terriers. With proper care, your Trouser Snake will live for many
happy decades! Strangely enough, despite the lack of mettyforical-
ness, most Trouser Snakes tend to be called Justin.
Great T'Phon's Foot 23 Nov - 21 Dec
Pterofractyl: from the Dawn of Time comes this anachronistically
fantastical creature. Is it a bird? Is it a terrible lizard? Is it
a relative of the Quantum Weather Butterfly that wandered down a
dark evolutionary alleyway and got lost in the prehistoric night?
If you chose answer number three, you'd be right. Pterofractyls are
now incredibly rare, occurring mostly in the deepest recesses of
the Howondaland rainforests, and thus makes a prestige pet of the
first order (order Pterosauria, actually). Great for creating
localised thunderstorms over your least favourite relative's BBQ.
Pointless Albatross: in the wild, this large, handsome bird spends
its life flying lazily (and pointlessly) from the Hub to the Rim
and back again, rather like many celebrity heiresses. However, your
Pointless Albatross can be trained to deliver long-distance
messages, carry small items of groceries, and even pick up pizza
from those stingy takeaways that refuse to deliver orders of less
than $500. Its favourite food is anchovies, so make sure the pizza
parlour sees to it that your order is securely fastened in its box.
Tezuman Sarcastic Parakeet: second only to the legendary Thaumic
Raven when it comes to cutting wit, the Tezuman Sarcastic Parakeet
can be trained to insult your social enemies in unanswerably acid
phrases of the sort you'd never dare to utter yourself. Take it
to soirees and you'll never be short of a comeback again! You can
also make extra money effortlessly by hiring your Parakeet out for
stag nights, wedding speeches and Rotarians meetings. Some champion
Sarcastic Parakeets have successful second careers as stand-up
comedians, and rumour has it that Quetzovercoatl Pretty Boy once
vanquished the philosopher Didactylos in an allcomers' Brain of
Hoki the Jokester 22 Dec - 20 Jan
Weirdwolf: for some twenty-eight nights of the year, the Weirdwolf
is but a normal werewolf - that is, needing to shave several times
daily and possessed of an exceptional sense of smell. But on the
nights of the full moon, a fearsome change occurs. Fangs sprout,
body shape morphs, and most terrifying of all, your Weirdwolf
experiences a sudden insatiable desire to commit performance art,
dress in tie-dyed clothing, wear sandals, eat strange foreign food
and attend poetry readings. One Weirdwolf owner reports that his
pet becomes convinced, during the full moon, that the world is -
wait for it - round! It's simply amazing how unnatural things
naturally occurring in Nature can be.
Uberwald Gnashing Bear: the sight of a boy and bear is not *always*
well-respected everywhere, but as the owner of a Gnashing Bear you
can guarantee respect! Or at least fear, which works just as well in
most circumstances. The Gnashing Bear possesses a fine set of teeth
(where "fine" equals "enormously long, enormously strong and ending
in very pointy points") and is moved to display them any time it's
tired, bored, hungry, excited, sleepy, angry, puzzled, frightened,
recently awakened, or in the mood for finding other bears to make
more bears with. Walk your bear around town of an evening and not
even the most senior Thieves' Guild members will dare approach you.
Don't forget to invest in the best available trainers; those teeth
really are very long and strong and pointy and, um, deadly.
Mythological Aerobatic Boar: because some pets *are* just for
The Rather Large Gazunda 21 Jan - 18 Feb
Bonkweiler: Gazundians who may have had trouble in the past with
keeping the infamous Lipwigzer will feel far more comfortable with
the Bonkweiler. Also from Uberwald, this breed is more known for
its amorousness than its viciousness; a Bonkweiler may be seven
stone of raw power, but when it knocks you down it's less
interested in tearing your throat out than in licking you to death.
A great pet for those wanting to meet - and truly capture the
attention of - the opposite sex.
Wyld Stallyn: this magnificent equine from the Hubland Steppes
thrives on excitement and loud discordant noises. A regular diet of
pizza and snackfoods will ensure a glossy coat. Prefers the company
of babes, and will sometimes carry riders across Time and Space.
Yeti: because once you've invested in this surprisingly gentle
creature of the Hubland mountains, you'll never have to buy
another one. The Yeti is self-replacing, reincarnating at the end
of its natural lifespan - and like Laddie, your reborn Yeti will
always come home!
Lesser Umbrage 19 Feb - 20 Mar
Shadowing Lemma: a truly challenging pet is the Shadowing Lemma, as
half the challenge lies in finding it at any given moment, for the
Shadowing Lemma often makes itself invisible and can only be
located by tracking its insubstantial shadow. Originally from
Djelibeybi, this bizarre creature is variously described as catlike,
doglike, crocodilian, gazelle-like, elephantine...as you can see -
or not see, in this case - it rather defies description. But that's
half the fun (the other half being your attempts to determine what
size and sort of cage/stable/vivarium/pool/paddock suits it best).
Note: NEVER buy one of these if you keep camels - mathematicians
are the Shadowing Lemma's favourite prey.
Ground Beef: long, long ago, vast herds of huge, shaggy bison
thundered across the Sto Plains, but in the fullness of time this
might race of herbivores devolved into puppy-sized beasts that spend
their lives burrowing under the modern farmlands and nibbling at the
roots of brassicas. On clear, crisp days, a keen observer will be
treated to the sight of a full-grown Ground Bull, its six-inch horns
gleaming dimly in the plains sunlight, popping out of its burrow to
check that all is safe and no marauding ploughs are dangerously
near. Ground Beef take well to captivity, and are happiest when
given their own root cellar; when old age takes them, their hides
make excellent gloves.
Fledermoose: the Disc's only winged ungulate makes its natural home
in the mighty pines of Uberwald forests, although many have now been
spotted by naturalists counting Counting Pines in Copperhead. Only
slightly larger than Ground Beef, a full-grown bull Fledermoose
can capture and carry off an entire pumpkin or watermelon, spearing
it on its antlers during a fierce dive and soaring off into the
distant woods with its prize. Make sure your Fledermoose has a
spacious aviary and plenty of fruits and vegetables to discourage
roaming. Although herbivorous, the Fledermoose seems to take an odd
delight in tormenting squirrels.
... and there you have it. Please write directly to WOSSNAME
at jschaum111@... if you have any questions about your
Horoscope and we will forward them directly to Lady Asterisk.
Sometimes she even answers them.
End of Part 3, says my computer -- continued on Part 4 of 5
If you did not get all 5 parts, write: jschaum111@...
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