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WOSSNAME -- JANUARY 2007 -- PART 3 OF 5 (continued)

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  • JSCHAUM111@aol.com
    WOSSNAME -- JANUARY 2007 -- PART 3 OF 5 (continued) ... oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo (10) YOUR DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE (continued) by Lady
    Message 1 of 1 , Jan 31, 2007
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      WOSSNAME -- JANUARY 2007 -- PART 3 OF 5 (continued)

      (10) YOUR DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE (continued)
      by Lady Anaemia Asterisk


      The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct

      Snail: a perfect pet for a Boring'un (as long as you avoid the
      Ting Ling Giant Snail, which is said to suck the blood of victims
      - leaving only a telltale of reddish slime), your snail will never
      behave badly, attack the neighbours' children or steal your prize
      potatoes. More timorous Boring'uns might prefer an ex-snail, also
      known as a snail shell. You never need to feed it and it won't try
      to make you feel guilty about being a neglectful pet owner.

      Passive Pigeon: the Passive Pigeon sits quietly on its perch, does
      its doings in the one spot you choose for it, eats whatever you can
      be bothered to feed it, preens itself very quietly, only coos when
      you're awake, and never makes any threatening beak gestures for
      any reason whatsoever. What's not to like? But on no account EVER
      buy a Passive Aggressive Pigeon; they channel the spirits of
      reincarnated mothers-in-law and will make your life a living hells.

      Jelly: half-alive yet rarely sentient, this unthreatening dessert
      makes a perfect Boring'un pet. You can watch it at your leisure, and
      for those times when you're feeling exceptionally brave, a timid
      poke at its bowl will produce amusing wobbling effects. Never keep
      a Jelly after it's begun to go green though (Lime Jellies are to be
      avoided for the obvious reason) - green means that little Things are
      eating it, and we all know you can't trust bacteria to stay where
      they belong.

      Androgyna Majestis 24 Oct - 22 Nov

      Bhangbhang Duck: the only fowl to ever rival rabbits in its single-
      minded amorousness, the Bhangbhang Duck is also known as the ring-
      necked WamBam. A beautiful creature, pleasant and easygoing when
      it's not attempting to do the Wonders of Nature on your leg. Prefers
      small ornamental ponds, wading pools, pocket marshes and seraglios.
      Bhangbhang Ducks are hard to sex, though, despite their, um, nature;
      if you purchase a pair of these lovely birds from an inexperienced
      breeder, you may soon find out more about en-masse duck behaviour
      than you ever thought you wanted to know.

      Regal Bower Bird: another native of Bhangbhangduc, this gorgeous
      midnight-blue bird is in essence the antithesis of the Bhangbhang
      Duck - it's so socially awkward that it spends all its free time
      collecting midnight-blue-coloured objects to furnish its nest with
      in the hope that some female Bower Bird, somewhere, anywhere, will
      be sufficiently impressed by the splendour of its proffered
      bachelor-nest that she'll fall into his wings without all that
      messy disheartening "look at me, I have an enormous tail feather!"
      business. Note: not to be confused with the BeTrobi Islands Bowler
      Bird, best known for its penchant for covering itself with dreadful
      fluorescent print fabrics and for its mating cry of "I'm the Dude,

      Brindisian Trouser Snake: yes, there really is such a snake. Yes,
      it likes to make its nest in worn-out trousers. No, I'm not being
      mettyforical. The Brindisian Trouser Snake, a non-venomous
      constrictor with brown and black patterned scales, can grow to a
      length of twelve feet, but rarely does so as twelve-foot-long
      trousers are hard to find. It lives mainly on earthworms and root
      vegetables, but in a pinch can consume rats, mice and small scruffy
      terriers. With proper care, your Trouser Snake will live for many
      happy decades! Strangely enough, despite the lack of mettyforical-
      ness, most Trouser Snakes tend to be called Justin.

      Great T'Phon's Foot 23 Nov - 21 Dec

      Pterofractyl: from the Dawn of Time comes this anachronistically
      fantastical creature. Is it a bird? Is it a terrible lizard? Is it
      a relative of the Quantum Weather Butterfly that wandered down a
      dark evolutionary alleyway and got lost in the prehistoric night?
      If you chose answer number three, you'd be right. Pterofractyls are
      now incredibly rare, occurring mostly in the deepest recesses of
      the Howondaland rainforests, and thus makes a prestige pet of the
      first order (order Pterosauria, actually). Great for creating
      localised thunderstorms over your least favourite relative's BBQ.

      Pointless Albatross: in the wild, this large, handsome bird spends
      its life flying lazily (and pointlessly) from the Hub to the Rim
      and back again, rather like many celebrity heiresses. However, your
      Pointless Albatross can be trained to deliver long-distance
      messages, carry small items of groceries, and even pick up pizza
      from those stingy takeaways that refuse to deliver orders of less
      than $500. Its favourite food is anchovies, so make sure the pizza
      parlour sees to it that your order is securely fastened in its box.

      Tezuman Sarcastic Parakeet: second only to the legendary Thaumic
      Raven when it comes to cutting wit, the Tezuman Sarcastic Parakeet
      can be trained to insult your social enemies in unanswerably acid
      phrases of the sort you'd never dare to utter yourself. Take it
      to soirees and you'll never be short of a comeback again! You can
      also make extra money effortlessly by hiring your Parakeet out for
      stag nights, wedding speeches and Rotarians meetings. Some champion
      Sarcastic Parakeets have successful second careers as stand-up
      comedians, and rumour has it that Quetzovercoatl Pretty Boy once
      vanquished the philosopher Didactylos in an allcomers' Brain of
      Ephebe debate.

      Hoki the Jokester 22 Dec - 20 Jan

      Weirdwolf: for some twenty-eight nights of the year, the Weirdwolf
      is but a normal werewolf - that is, needing to shave several times
      daily and possessed of an exceptional sense of smell. But on the
      nights of the full moon, a fearsome change occurs. Fangs sprout,
      body shape morphs, and most terrifying of all, your Weirdwolf
      experiences a sudden insatiable desire to commit performance art,
      dress in tie-dyed clothing, wear sandals, eat strange foreign food
      and attend poetry readings. One Weirdwolf owner reports that his
      pet becomes convinced, during the full moon, that the world is -
      wait for it - round! It's simply amazing how unnatural things
      naturally occurring in Nature can be.

      Uberwald Gnashing Bear: the sight of a boy and bear is not *always*
      well-respected everywhere, but as the owner of a Gnashing Bear you
      can guarantee respect! Or at least fear, which works just as well in
      most circumstances. The Gnashing Bear possesses a fine set of teeth
      (where "fine" equals "enormously long, enormously strong and ending
      in very pointy points") and is moved to display them any time it's
      tired, bored, hungry, excited, sleepy, angry, puzzled, frightened,
      recently awakened, or in the mood for finding other bears to make
      more bears with. Walk your bear around town of an evening and not
      even the most senior Thieves' Guild members will dare approach you.
      Don't forget to invest in the best available trainers; those teeth
      really are very long and strong and pointy and, um, deadly.

      Mythological Aerobatic Boar: because some pets *are* just for

      The Rather Large Gazunda 21 Jan - 18 Feb

      Bonkweiler: Gazundians who may have had trouble in the past with
      keeping the infamous Lipwigzer will feel far more comfortable with
      the Bonkweiler. Also from Uberwald, this breed is more known for
      its amorousness than its viciousness; a Bonkweiler may be seven
      stone of raw power, but when it knocks you down it's less
      interested in tearing your throat out than in licking you to death.
      A great pet for those wanting to meet - and truly capture the
      attention of - the opposite sex.

      Wyld Stallyn: this magnificent equine from the Hubland Steppes
      thrives on excitement and loud discordant noises. A regular diet of
      pizza and snackfoods will ensure a glossy coat. Prefers the company
      of babes, and will sometimes carry riders across Time and Space.

      Yeti: because once you've invested in this surprisingly gentle
      creature of the Hubland mountains, you'll never have to buy
      another one. The Yeti is self-replacing, reincarnating at the end
      of its natural lifespan - and like Laddie, your reborn Yeti will
      always come home!

      Lesser Umbrage 19 Feb - 20 Mar

      Shadowing Lemma: a truly challenging pet is the Shadowing Lemma, as
      half the challenge lies in finding it at any given moment, for the
      Shadowing Lemma often makes itself invisible and can only be
      located by tracking its insubstantial shadow. Originally from
      Djelibeybi, this bizarre creature is variously described as catlike,
      doglike, crocodilian, gazelle-like, elephantine...as you can see -
      or not see, in this case - it rather defies description. But that's
      half the fun (the other half being your attempts to determine what
      size and sort of cage/stable/vivarium/pool/paddock suits it best).
      Note: NEVER buy one of these if you keep camels - mathematicians
      are the Shadowing Lemma's favourite prey.

      Ground Beef: long, long ago, vast herds of huge, shaggy bison
      thundered across the Sto Plains, but in the fullness of time this
      might race of herbivores devolved into puppy-sized beasts that spend
      their lives burrowing under the modern farmlands and nibbling at the
      roots of brassicas. On clear, crisp days, a keen observer will be
      treated to the sight of a full-grown Ground Bull, its six-inch horns
      gleaming dimly in the plains sunlight, popping out of its burrow to
      check that all is safe and no marauding ploughs are dangerously
      near. Ground Beef take well to captivity, and are happiest when
      given their own root cellar; when old age takes them, their hides
      make excellent gloves.

      Fledermoose: the Disc's only winged ungulate makes its natural home
      in the mighty pines of Uberwald forests, although many have now been
      spotted by naturalists counting Counting Pines in Copperhead. Only
      slightly larger than Ground Beef, a full-grown bull Fledermoose
      can capture and carry off an entire pumpkin or watermelon, spearing
      it on its antlers during a fierce dive and soaring off into the
      distant woods with its prize. Make sure your Fledermoose has a
      spacious aviary and plenty of fruits and vegetables to discourage
      roaming. Although herbivorous, the Fledermoose seems to take an odd
      delight in tormenting squirrels.

      ... and there you have it. Please write directly to WOSSNAME
      at jschaum111@... if you have any questions about your
      Horoscope and we will forward them directly to Lady Asterisk.
      Sometimes she even answers them.
      End of Part 3, says my computer -- continued on Part 4 of 5
      If you did not get all 5 parts, write: jschaum111@...

      [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
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