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WOSSNAME -- JANUARY 2007-- PART 2 OF 5 (continued)

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  • JSCHAUM111@aol.com
    WOSSNAME -- JANUARY 2007-- PART 2 OF 5 (continued) ... oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo YOUR DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE by Lady Anaemia Asterisk
    Message 1 of 1 , Jan 31, 2007
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      WOSSNAME -- JANUARY 2007-- PART 2 OF 5 (continued)
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      oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

      YOUR DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE

      by Lady Anaemia Asterisk

      A PET IS FOR LIFE, NOT JUST FOR HOGSWATCH

      ...and that means there's a good chance that you, my stars-struck
      little marmosets, have no idea what to do with those unexpected
      gift pets you found whining, shivering, yapping or widdling under
      your Hogswatch tree last month. See, your well-meaning friends and
      relative should have consulted your Friendly Neighbourhood
      Stargazer first! Because each Sign, for those born under it,
      bestows a natural affinity for certain pets...so here's a starter
      list below of suitable pets for each of you. Hearken well, and
      happy animal husbandry shall be yours *next* holiday season!

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      The Adamant Hedgehog 21 Mar - 20 Apr

      Borogravian Borogove: also known as the Yellow-bellied Bellower,
      the Borogove, a small but sturdy doglike mammal with the face of a
      dyspeptic dowager duchess, gravitates naturally towards authority
      figures, regimental sergeant-majors, Archchancellors and other
      persons of a stentorian and officious bent who can easily dominate
      the Borogove's tendency to be a vile-tempered bully (a clear case
      of it taking one to love one). Keep your Borogove on a short lead
      and shout at it frequently to keep it in peak condition.

      Morpork: in the early centuries of Ankh-Morpork's history, these
      small, pretty owls flocked as thick as sparrows-, that is, as
      *thickly* as sparrows (not even a box of laundry detergent is as
      thick as the average sparrow), with nearly every gabled roof
      boasting its own nesting population of them and with morporkeries
      gracing the gatehouses of every wealthy townie's mansion. Nowadays
      the only known living Morporks are the heavily-guarded property of
      the College of Heralds, so if you want a Morpork you'll have to
      trawl the back storerooms of old established taxidermists or keep
      an eye on the regular Sunday trash-and-treasure markets. A perfect
      pet, your Morpork never needs feeding and won't object if nailed to
      its perch. If you want it to act a bit more lifelike, a visit to
      the Street of Cunning Artificers will soon get you the clockwork
      modifications you need...and for a small extra fee, it can be made
      to chime the hours and give weather forecasts. Perfect indeed!

      Rook Lobster: face it, you know you always wanted a shellfish that
      would perch on your shoulder and squawk out rude phrases when your
      unwanted guests won't take the hint to leave. Didn't you? Well, the
      Rook Lobster is just the ticket. These exotically feathered shore
      dwellers came originally from Slakki and are easy to care for; an
      occasional feed of entrails and a dusting of mite powder and your
      Rook Lobster will thrive. And like many exotic pets, they make a
      tasty meal when you get tired of them. Mind the pincers.
      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      Gahoolie, the Vase of Tulips 21 Apr - 21 May

      Giltfish: for those on a tight budget, this tawdry-looking specimen
      is an excellent choice. The breed was developed by would-be
      fanciers of the famous Agatean Coy Guiltfish, a breed with scales
      so splendid that anyone looking upon its magnificence would burst
      into tears of shame at being badly dressed in front of such a
      gorgeous animal. Another good pet for the fiscally embarrassed is
      the Limited Budgie; originally from Purdeighsland, this friendly
      bird is known for its natural cry of "don'tbuythatitcostsstoomuch!"

      Shamster: a true-breeding cross between a longhaired Cavy and a
      Chameleon, your Shamster will give you hours of delight: stroking
      its beautiful fur, watching it change colours according to mood and
      temperature, and chasing it round the pantry as it attempts to
      steal and store your favourite dried fruit and nuts. The Shamster
      is also unique in that it can convert direct sunlight into energy,
      so be sure to let it bask outdoors on sunny days.

      Llamedos Raincatcher: a small batrachian with a big heart and bigger
      gullet, the Raincatcher evolved in the ancient rain mines of
      Llamedos, where early miners were quick to put it to use as a
      tunnel-clearing pump. This little toadlike creature is an
      inoffensive shade of mouldy moss green, but when its mouth and
      throat are full of liquid its neck-skin expands and displays a
      range of phosphorescent colours so bright that the same long-ago
      miners also put it to use as a helmet lamp. Today Raincatchers are
      popular all over the Disc, especially with children, who love to
      slip their pet Raincatcher into the tin bath just before Nanna gets
      in for her monthly scrub.
      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      Herne the Hunted 22 May - 21 Jun

      Lancre Reciprocating Fox: legend has it that the Reciprocating Fox
      acts like a soldier on the eve of battle (i.e., it drinks a lot and
      seeks indiscriminate sex), but foxes normally seek indiscriminate
      sex anyway and the tales of dipsomania have never been
      substantiated. Lovely coat, your Reciprocating Fox. It *does* show
      a certain reciprocative behaviour, by the way, as it moonlights as
      a sheepdog in recompense for its regular henhouse raids.

      Peeler Bear: for those who want a truly unusual pet, the Peeler
      Bear is just the ticket! This huge carnivore originated in the
      NoThingfjord region; evolutionary necessity in warmer climates has
      led to its seasonal moult, in which it sheds its entire coat and
      outer hide in one easily tanned piece. The resultant embarrassment
      makes the Peeler Bear shy and obedient. A good pet for those
      considering entering the fur trade.

      Mon-goose: from the faraway island of Sumtri, this is the only known
      avian with a prehensile tail. A fascinating pet, it combines all
      the less social aspects of the chimpanzee and the standard goose,
      but it looks great in a jewelled collar and has a natural aptitude
      for grinding hurdy-gurdy organs with its beak. The Mon-goose also
      lays golden eggs, but you have to fight them for it, which can be
      rather...well, just re-read the second clause of the second
      sentence in this paragraph.
      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      The Wizard's Staff and Knob 22 Jun - 22 Jul

      Hermit Elephant: second smallest of the known elephants. Ye
      venerable Dysk Companione describes it as thin-skinned and shy with
      a preference for wearing abandoned huts as protection, and claims
      that it causes huts to become abandoned by moving into them! This
      has since been shown to be an exaggeration: your Hermit Elephant
      will be quite happy if you build it a granny flat in the garden and
      demonstrate that it's quite unoccupied.

      Underclassman: also known in some less civilised countries as
      "freshmen" (though Cori Celesti knows why - have you ever smelt a
      typical first-year student's room? - or socks?). These curious
      creatures make excellent pets and provide their owners with an
      endless variety of tricks and laughable entertainment. Underclassmen
      do need frequent disciplining, though; the rolled-up newspaper of
      birch cane are recommended, but experienced breeders have had some
      great disciplinary success through the application of grounding,
      detention, and the posting of an Underclassman's name on lists of
      an embarrassing nature.

      Howondaland Dwarf Rhinoceros: these rare animals represent Nature
      at its most charming. Only six inches tall, most of them have been
      captured for bucking-rhino competitions at Gnome rodeos, and they
      are reluctant to breed in captivity (the rhinoceroseses, that is; I
      can't speak for Gnomes). Your Dwarf Rhinoceros is safer when polled,
      as it has a tendency to gore its owners and their guests in the
      ankles. Note: "polled" doesn't mean asking your rhino for opinions;
      no, it refers here to the practice of cutting off the horns of,
      well, horned beasts. Dictionaries are so useful...
      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      Bilious, God of Hangovers 23 Jul - 23 Aug

      Charibou: the only species apart from the Phoenix that self-
      immolates upon reaching maturity, your Charibou, being herbivorous,
      not only keeps your lawn tidily cropped during its youth but also
      provides a tasty self-cooking barbecue meal at the end of its life
      cycle. Charibou are gentle, shy, friendly and above all delicious!

      Klatchian Land Prawn: this fierce crustacean evolved in the wilds
      of Klatch when a sudden fly-by of Quantum Weather Butterflies
      created a new patch of desert and caused a once-deep lowland lake
      to become a tiny puddle overnight; understandably-furious prawns
      retaliated by evolving armoured shells, multiple pincers and fangs,
      and have since prowled the deserts annihilating and consuming any
      innocent lizard, snake or scorpion that gets in their path. A
      strong vivarium is recommended, and be sure to don protective
      clothing when feeding your pet! At least it's easy to feed,
      though, as Klatchian Land Prawns will eat anything. Or anyone.

      HungHung Miniature Swine (popularly known as the Two-guinea Pig):
      long ago, the cute, potbellied Miniature Swine were the favoured
      pets (and snack-foods) of Agatean Emperors, but nowadays any old
      commoner or vampire barbarian ghost can own one. Affectionate and
      easy to care for, your Miniature Swine doubles handily as a refuse
      disposal and winter bedwarmer. A warning, though - incautious
      backbreeding by less reputable pig farmers has led to the
      reappearance of throwbacks, so that adorable piglet may grow to
      enormous size and *still* insist on sharing your bed.
      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      Mubbo the Hyena 24 Aug - 23 Sept

      Vermine: you can't go wrong with a Vermine, most royal of mustelids.
      Well, actually, you *can* go wrong. Not only are they vicious and
      cantankerous, but you'll spend an exciting time hiding your beloved
      (and very expensive) pet from the clutches of eager fur-poachers,
      and oh yes, did I mention that Vermine stink? But still - owning
      the very animal that adorns the fine robes of kings, queens, dukes,
      pretentious aldermen and random posh gits confers a cachet never
      matched by having a cross-eyed spaniel or pet rock...

      Prying Mantis: gloriously iridescent and enchantingly shaped, the
      Prying Mantis is the most intelligent of insects. Not only does it
      understand most of the known (or at least worth knowing) languages
      of the Disc, it can also converse by means of rubbing its forelegs.
      The Prying Mantis has a penchant for listening at keyholes, thus
      making it a favourite pet of newspaper reporters, blackmailers,
      couples undergoing acrimonious divorces, and anyone who thinks he
      or she might be the named target of an Assassins' Guild contract.

      Canny Island Cony: no cony was ever cannier than a Canny Island
      Cony! This Llamedosian lakeland lagomorph digs warrens so intricate
      and cleverly propped that they are often mistaken for ancient rain
      mines. Patient Cony owners can teach them to dig privies and root
      cellars, or to extend that rumpus room when getting the builders in
      proves too expensive. Best of all, they make a delicious stew. As
      ingredients, not cooks - they're not quite *that* clever.
      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
      oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
      End of Part 2, says my computer -- continued on Part 3 of 5
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      If you did not get all 5 parts, write: jschaum111@...
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