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WOSSNAME -- DECEMBER 2006 -- PART 5 OF 5

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  • JSCHAUM111@aol.com
    WOSSNAME -- DECEMBER 2006 -- PART 5 OF 5 ... oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo (6) YOUR DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE (continued) by Lady Anaemia
    Message 1 of 1 , Dec 29, 2006
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      WOSSNAME -- DECEMBER 2006 -- PART 5 OF 5
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      oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

      (6) YOUR DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE (continued)
      by Lady Anaemia Asterisk

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
      best, apart from biting throats and drinkin- no, no, must never
      think that way again. Perhaps an encrypted (and no, that is *not* a
      pune or play on words) Clacks to dear Havelock, to see if we can
      make additional use of young Sally as a quadruple agent? And while
      I'm at it, the idea of opening a deportment school for undead
      spies rather takes my fancy. Good manners are getting scarce among
      the young vampires of today, especially among the members of the
      Temperance League. We simply must keep our standards up! It's not
      all about underwired nightdresses and opera capes, you know."

      Walter Plinge, musical director of the Opera House: "My Hogswatch
      resolution is the same as last year's and my one for the year before
      - to teach Christine to carry a tune without dropping it on the
      orchestra's poor ears. I am nothing if not determined. Also, I want
      to get the Opera House production of 'Guys and Trolls' up and
      running, so a trip to Copperhead is in the offing. That's a useful
      coincidence, because I must visit Mistress Weatherwax and ask her to
      make me a new invisible mask. There are times when I can feel the
      old one she gave me wearing a bit thin. I certainly don't want to
      risk having it fall off when I'm in the middle of a full choir
      rehearsal...Mother would be so embarrassed, and she deserves a
      break from being embarrassed by her only son. And speaking of only
      sons, I must check on how young Slugg junior is coming with the
      new account books. Ever since the massive success of 'All You Need
      is Slugg', he's been holed up in the cellar offices. No-one's seen
      him for so long, he might as well be a ghost."

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      Lesser Umbrage 19 Feb - 20 Mar

      Jeannie, Kelda of the Chalk MacFeegles: "My Hogswatch resolution for
      next year is to do something no Kelda has ever before accomplished.
      Now that we MacFeegles of the Chalk are known as 'the Odd Clan' -
      the only clan with a cheese in our number, the only clan with a
      human lass as a former Kelda, the only clan with a fully functional
      aviator - I propose to have a word wi' my brother and have him teach
      me the playing o' the mousepipes. Why should a Kelda forever stay at
      home while her Big Man goes off to meet danger and adventure? Why
      should a Kelda not be able to recite battle poetry and use the
      mousepipes as her noble weapon? Why should a Kelda not be able to
      gie her enemies a proper face full o' heid, just like hers sons and
      brothers? Why indeed? Yes, my resolution is...Kelda Liberation!
      And getting Rob to not put so many dragons in his Explanations."

      Horace, a noted cheese: "Mnnamnamnam...mnnammnam...mnnamnamNAM!"

      [Translation: "Next year I resolve to consume many lesser cheeses,
      keep Jeannie's scullery free of mice and start working on a Feegle-
      Cheese phrasebook. Rennet rennet wax limewash CRIVENS!"]

      Rob Anybody MacFeegle: "It's a hard job bein' Big Man o' the clan
      in the best of times, but I wanna be the biggest Big Man in Chalk
      history. So for next year I intend to doin' o' the rrreadin' o' the
      Law, 'specially them pesky Writs an' Summonses. An' I rrresolve tae
      practise the not-rrreadin' as well, when it comes tae the big wee
      hag's pers'nal private letters'n sich. 'cept in emergencies. O'
      course, when it comes tae the big wee hag, there's no knowin' o'
      what's an emergency, but I'll always hae good Explanations. Wi'
      dragons in 'em."

      Samuel Vimes the Younger, heir to the Duchy of Ankh-Morpork: "Next
      year I'm going to find my cow! Without my Daddy's help!"
      ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

      7) WEIRD ALICE SINGS A HOGSWATCH CAROL
      by Weird Alice Lancrevic

      This is not the greatest Hogswatch carol in the world - this is just
      a tribute (SNH, SNH, SNH). I always had a horror of the sickly
      sweetness of most carols until the original of this one came along.
      For those of you unacquainted with its dyspeptic, misanthropic
      wonderfulness, get yourself to the nearest Anterweb and hunt it down
      - you won't be sorry! Ho ho ho.

      A FAIRYTALE OF OLD ANKH
      with apologies to the Pogues

      1. A PRISONER IN THE PALACE DUNGEONS:
      It was Hogswatch Eve, mate
      Down in old Ankh
      A chained mime said to me
      I won't learn another word!
      And then he sang a song:
      The hedgehog's point of view
      I turned twice Widdershins
      And dreamed of hot stoo

      Got Raven's lucky beak -
      See, Death of Rats says SQUEAK
      A slate is running
      In Biers for me and you
      So Happy Hogswatch
      From Dots and Sadie
      Making Morpork free of crime
      And nightmares all come true...

      2. TWOFLOWER:
      They've got gnolls big as trolls
      They've got wizards in robes
      But the smell goes right through you
      There's no rest for your nose
      When we walked round the Shades
      On that cold Hogswatch night
      You promised me Ankh-Morpork vampires don't bite

      3. VARIOUS MEMBERS OF THE BEGGARS AND THIEVES GUILDS:
      You were Bursar -
      You were jolly...
      You stank like Queen Molly!
      When the minstrels stopped playing
      We set them alight
      Piss Harry's collecting
      Mossy Lawn, he's dissecting
      We ate Dibbler's meat pies
      And retched through the night

      EVERYONE:
      The boys from the YMPA Choir
      Were singing sourly
      And Dark Morris bells rang out
      For Hogswatch Eve.

      4. NOBBY AND COLON:
      You're a Fool, a nut-case.
      You're a civic disgrace,
      Swigging Bearhugger's booze
      Till you hoick on your shoes!
      You Lancre sheep-shagger...
      You unlicensed Beggar
      Happy Hogswatch, you Nobbs -
      Hope the Gods shut yer gob!

      EVERYONE:
      The cops of the Day and Night Watch Choir
      Committed harmony
      And Dark Morris bells rang out
      For Hogswatch Eve.

      5. DUKE FELMET: I could've ruled the Disc...
      DUCHESS FELMET: Well, so could any twit!
      You took my crown from me
      When ghosts unmanned you...
      DUKE: I killed for Lancre, dear
      I grabbed it for our own...
      DUCHESS: I'd rather stand alone!
      ALL LANCRE TOGETHER: But we could never stand you!

      EVERYONE:
      The ghouls from the Bel-Shamharoth Choir
      Were howling tunelessly
      And Dark Morris bells rang out
      For Hogswatch Eve!


      The original lyrics can be found at:
      http://www.pogues.com/Releases/Lyrics/LPs/IfIShould/Fairytale.html
      ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

      8) FUM-FUM-FUM: ANOTHER HOLIDAY SPECIAL

      Courtesy of our Spanish edition, here is (I think) a
      Spanish Hogswatch carol. Anyone care to translate it?
      Manu, muchas gracias! (And no, I don't know how to
      pronounce the strange typographical symbols either.)

      FUM FUM FUM

      La Vigilia de los Puercos, fum, fum, fum
      La Vigilia de los Puercos, fum, fum, fum,
      Padre Puerco llegará y un regalito a ti te hará
      si has sido un niño bueno y a tu gato no has quemado, fum, fum, fum
      Si has sido un niño bueno y a tu gato no has quemado, fum, fum, fum
      No se te ocurra espiarle, fum, fum, fum,
      No se te ocurra espiarle, fum, fum, fum,
      Porque es un profesional y a solas quiere trabajar
      Y puede cortarte el cuello sin ningún remordimiento, fum, fum, fum,
      Y puede cortarte el cuello sin ningún remordimiento, fum, fum, fum.
      La Vigilia de los Puercos, fum, fum, fum,
      La Vigilia de los Puercos, fum, fum, fum,
      Es una noche especial y pronto te has de acostar
      Para que Él esté contento, y te haga muchos regalos, fum, fum, fum
      Para que Él esté contento, y te haga muchos regalos, fum, fum, fum

      oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
      If you did not get all 5 parts, write: jschaum111@...
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      Copyright 2006 by Klatchian Foreign Legion
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