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  • JSCHAUM111@aol.com
    WOSSNAME -- DECEMBER 2006 -- PART 4 OF 5 ... oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo (6) YOUR DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE (continued) by Lady Anaemia
    Message 1 of 1 , Dec 29, 2006
      WOSSNAME -- DECEMBER 2006 -- PART 4 OF 5

      (6) YOUR DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE (continued)
      by Lady Anaemia Asterisk


      Assistant Postmaster Stanley of the Ankh-Morpork Post Office: "My
      Hogswatch resolution is to catalogue all the Post Office's stamps by
      the number and size of their perforations. Many people might not
      realise what a fascinating activity this is! A stamp is more, much,
      much more, than a mere gummed square or oblong of coloured paper.
      There's the type, quality, texture and thickness of the paper; the
      type, quality, texture and thickness of the gum; the composition
      and colour depth of the inks (or, in the case of Quirm Specials,
      the cabbage and broccoli juice); the nature, size and calligraphic
      classification of the official Post Office writing on each stamp;
      and last but certainly not least, the size and number of the
      perforations. It's absolutely enthralling! Of course, some people
      claim that the type, size, weight and maker's mark of the
      perforating pins is also of vital interest but that's typical of
      your undedicated hobbyist collector - the stamp, the whole stamp
      and nothing but the stamp is what it's really all about. Honestly,
      who could possibly care about pins?"

      Androgyna Majestis 24 Oct - 22 Nov

      Queen Ptraci of Djelibeybi: "My resolution for next year is to
      purchase more Royal crocodiles. And to feed more smugglers to them.
      Also, to double the number of flush toilets in the Palace. And hot
      showers. And cold showers. And to import an Igor, even though it's
      said they don't thrive in desert conditions. I can certainly
      understand that - this desert sun doesn't half play havoc with my
      skin! Which is why I want an Igor in the first place. Some people
      might think having your face on all the national currency is quite
      impressive, but I don't want to go down in Djelibeybian history as
      the Queen with a faceful of wrinkles."

      Miss Battye, a noted seamstr-, um, needlewoman: My resolution for
      Hogswatch is to open my own needlework shop! After so many years
      of being mistaken for - of being mistaken, I think it's time people
      know me for the work I'm proud of and not for the work certain sorts
      of people think I shouldn't be proud of, although of course I've
      never done *that* sort of work so I can't have something I've done
      that I'm not proud of if I've never done it. And I can tell you, a
      widower on a pension, who's in need of some darning, is certainly
      not proud! So I shall become Battye the bespoke tailor and wield my
      mushroom with pride. I wanted to rent the shop next to Mrs Palm's,
      but a nice widower on a pension pointed out an empty premises to
      me around the corner in Knocking Lane and it looks perfect. I think
      I'll call it Miss Battye's Knocking Shop. Finally, I'll be able to
      work without men walking up to me and asking impertinent questions!"

      The Dean of Unseen University: "My Hogswatch resolution is to
      combine my new hobby of crateboarding (I learnt it from some young
      fellers working in the University Clacks tower; you take the wheels
      from a pair of skates and attach them to a grocer's orange crate,
      and let me tell you, the thrills and spills are almost as much fun
      as that Music with Rocks In) with the Invisible Horse Power spell we
      developed to get Commander Vimes to Koom Valley at terrifying speed.
      Just think of the possibilities! For a start, it will make Mustrum
      ever so cross. Also, I think Mrs Whitlow would be impressed, and
      she's a fine figure of a woman and another woman, splendid old bat
      if I do say so myself. And I can get Stibbons and Turnipseed to set
      me up some trick shots - much more exciting than boring old
      billiards. Now that Paintball and Toe Fu aren't allowed on campus
      any longer, this will bring back some of that old school spirit.
      Surf's up! I'm bad! Whatever!"

      71-hour Ahmed, a policeman of Klatch: "I resolve to track down that
      Al-jibla's source of honeyed locusts onna stick - and put an end to
      it. That man's crimes against edibility give Klatch a bad name, and

      Klatch has a bad enough name already in inter-Disc cuisine. My dear
      D'reg mother cooks better than he does. My *camel* cooks better than
      he does. Hmm, now there's a thought...I've been thinking about
      taking another...holiday in Ankh-Morpork, and I noticed last time
      that Morporkians have simply no idea about proper Klatchian curry.
      Perhaps, under an alias of course, I should open a true Klatchian
      restaurant, and...yes, use it as cover for keeping an eye on...yes,
      developments. Measure the wind, as it were. Vimes needn't know I'm
      there, but I might be of some small help in averting any possible
      future wars. I hear the Watch now has a vampire who works as an
      agent for Uberwald, so why not? There's always room in Ankh-Morpork
      for another disconcerting foreigner."


      Great T'Phon's Foot 23 Nov - 21 Dec

      Drumknott, clerk to Lord Vetinari: "In the coming calendar year I
      resolve to get to the bottom of the missing Number Three grey-lead
      pencils mystery. The attrition rate of these pencils is far higher
      than would be explained by the Palace clerks' rate of use; further
      pursuant to this matter, some of the clerks have entered a complaint
      about the scarcity of these items, and I myself commissioned an
      investigation by the Patrician's Dark Clerks which has turned up no
      clues apart from the discovery than, only last week, an entire
      consignment of Number Three grey-lead pencils has gone missing
      without a trace. Enquiries to the Thieves' Guild have produced no
      enlightening results, and I refuse to take a purely internal matter
      to the Watch. This may seem like an insignificant detail to some,
      but I keep a tidy Palace and after all, Cori Celesti is in the

      Chrysoprase, a noted businessman of Ankh-Morpork: "Ah, der Hogwatch
      season am 'pon us again, eh? We businessmen o' der community mus'
      respec' der soft ones' traditions, hmmm. We Trolls knows all about
      traditions. So you makes resolutions for last year, eh? Well, I be
      resolvin' to expand my finance and real estate business. And der
      same for my...security business. We Trolls knows all about security,
      'specially when it come to what you might call security in der
      neighbourhood. Also, I's goin' for a holiday visitin' der Low King
      - for a li'l discussion an'; a friendly game o' Thud, you unnerstan'
      ...but don' be thinkin dat jus' because I's going for a holiday
      dat der neighbourhood won' be secure. I's leavin' my bes' security
      per-son-nel on de job. Odderwise no locals show respec'. Gotta keep
      up wid der respec'. If you ain't got respec' you be sleepin wid der
      ooograh in der deep forest. But I no nuffin' 'bout dat, cos I am a
      respectable businessman."

      Mr Pump, a government employee: "My Resolution For The Coming Year
      Is To Earn The Remainder Of The Price Of My Self-Purchase And To
      Cause This Purchase To Come To Pass. Also, I Am Considering Having
      My Chem Dyed A Fetching Shade Of Puce, Just To Be Fashionable. After
      All, Personal Internal Adornment Is An Act Of Will."

      Dotsie, an Agony Aunt: "My dear Sadie was a bit unspecific - we make
      other people keep the resolutions *we* resolve for *them*.


      Hoki the Jokester 22 Dec - 20 Jan

      Adora Belle "Spike" Dearheart, a noted social worker: "A small child
      tossed a brick through my window yesterday. My resolution is to
      find that child and return the brick to him, preferably right between
      the eyes. Must send a clacks to Sacharissa. What, you expected me to
      take this seriously? I've got forty part-paid golems to see to,
      the roof's leaking again, a typhoon in Howandaland has wiped out
      this year's crop of my favourite tobacco, and now that idiot Lipwig
      has some ridiculous plan to take me gondola-trekking in Brindisi for
      Hogswatch. I'm too busy for resolutions."

      Lord Downey of the Assassins' Guild: "As Hogswatch leads us into a
      new year of undertakings, I must keep a closer eye on our Guild
      School. Far too many students these days are surviving, that is to
      say passing, their practical examinations; not a promising result,
      with the reputation we must at all costs uphold. For if our Guild's
      standards should fall, that might cause the value of our services to
      depreciate, and then where would we be? Certainly far less
      recompensed, and far less respected - and as the charming local
      businessman Chrysoprase so often reiterates, one has nothing if
      one has not respect. Apart from that, I intend to continue my
      personal explorations in the field of botany; my goal is to become
      the first to breed the famed black 'Delicia mortis' rose in this
      mortal realm."
      End of Part 4, says my computer -- continued on Part 5 of 5
      If you did not get all 5 parts, write: jschaum111@...

      [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
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