WOSSNAME -- DECEMBER 2006 -- PART 3 OF 5 (continued)
- WOSSNAME -- DECEMBER 2006 -- PART 3 OF 5 (continued)
(6) YOUR DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE (continued)
by Lady Anaemia Asterisk
Gytha Ogg, a noted witch of Lancre: "Hogswatch resolutions, eh? My
daughters-in-law 'd better be making plenty of 'em! I swear, I don't
know how they can call themselves housekeepers - why, every time I
run my fingers over the undersides of the cold-pantry shelves and
down the back of the couch cushions, I come up with enough dust to
fill an entire scumble glass. And sometimes when one of 'em brings
me my breakfast in bed, the tea is cool enough for me to dip my
finger into without getting scalded. The cheek! Speaking of cheek,
I've had a request from that Mister Goatberger in Ankh-Morpork to
send him a new book for publicating next year. I can't believe the
nerve of that man, after he tried to rob me over The Joye of Snacks!
But he says this time he'll send me an advance, and I never could
resist a man's advances. So I s'pose my resolution for the new year
is to give him what he wants. O'course, chances are he'll get more
than he wants, but that sort of thing always seems to happen with
my little books. Amazing, isn't it, how good some people are at
misunderstanding. Or at not misunderstanding at all. So I'm
minded to write a nice series of stories for children, all about
love among the Gods and their earthly followers - and in keeping
with my established theme (that's publisher talk), I'm going to call
it The Joye of Sects. Make sure to buy a copy so's I can get some
Serafine von Uberwald, a noted noblewolf: "My resolution for next
year is to be firmer with Guy regarding his table manners and other
personal indoor habits. I also intend to write to Angua and her
young human; after all, there's nothing wrong with a harmless old
lady encouraging her daughter to produce a fine strong litter of
grandpups. I would have resolved to answer Sybil's letters, but
since her last visit she seems to have stopped writing altogether.
I can't imagine why."
Bilious, God of Hangovers 23 Jul - 23 Aug
Roland de Chumsfanleigh, heir to the Chalk barony: "Sausage and
cheese keep very well, but they are rather binding; I resolve to
stock up on extra fruit next year, especially prunes and dried figs.
And speaking of prunes, I really must do something about my aunts.
The way they've been selling off the family silver, it's a wonder
I've any knives left to cut my sausages with. I'm also inclined to
study the noble profession of shepherding. And cheesemaking. Not,
you know, because those have anything at all to do with a certain
young local witch or anything..."
Major Blouse, a career soldier of Borogravia: "As every new year
brings our beloved Borogravia further down the 'path to
enlightenment' and the old traditional ways of our couture, I mean
culture, move 'ever onward', I think the establishing of a full-time
theatrical troupe within the military is an important and noble
goal. We must 'keep up the spirits' of our fighting forces; even if
we're finally not fighting anyone, it pays to be vigilant and 'ready
for action'! So my resolution for the coming year is to create a
'special force', the Wrigglesworth Brigade, which will be dedicated
to providing good healthy entertainment for 'our little lads'. I
myself intend to play a major, ha-ha, there's a clever 'play on
words' for you, I say a major part in these uplifting productions.
After all, I am a trained thespian. With a fine 'collection' of
C.W. St.J. Nobbs, a Watchman and professional Nobby: "My Hogswatch
resolution's to be less good at dodging ole Hammerhead Pushpram's
fish when she throws 'em at me. I'm def'nitely goin' up in her
estymation - these days when she takes aim, she's usin' almost fresh
ones. When she gets to the herring wot don't smell at all, I reckon
it'll be time for me to pop the question. After all, we're none of
us gettin' younger, an' I haveta think about producin' a child of
my loins to carry on the Nobbs name. Never mind wot Fred says about
my loins, we Nobbses are a proud old family. It's not like the
Colons got within a sparrow's fart o' becomin' King, eh? Also I'm
startin' a new enterprise for my retirement like. With all this new
modern edjymacation, I notice there's a big market for paper an'
pencils, and the other day I overheard someone talking about how
there's a big consignment o' Number Three grey-lead pencils comin'
up fer sale to the smartest buyer. After all, a person can't spend
his nights out in the rain upholdin' the sacred principles o' law
'n order after a certain age."
Miss Perspicacia Tick, a talent-scouting witch: "I hereby resolve to
set a new personal record for witchfinding next year. I'm also
going to work on my shamble technique. Oh, and I need to put out a
new edition of the Magavenatio Obtusis, because I'm getting tired of
having to comb river algae out of my hair several times a week. I
think it's time those anti-witch folks moved up to the next phase
- the one where, rather than tying witches up and throwing them in
the nearest river, they dump one or two buckets of water over them
and offer a good shampoo and conditioner. And naturally I shall
apply myself to continuing and expanding my Feegle phrasebook. So
many Pictsie swear words, so little time..."
Mubbo the Hyena 24 Aug - 23 Sept
Igor (not an Igor) of Biers, a publican: "Resolutions for next year?
All about improvements to the bar. It's what I live for, since I'm
pretty much the only living being involved in running this place.
Find a new supplier of meat pies and pasties - have to say Mrs
Drull's pies just don't taste like they used to. Oh, and buy some
raven-proof pickled onion jars. Also, search the second-hand
market for sapient pearwood bar stools - word on the street is that
they're self-repairing. Though I suspect that Dunelm at the Mended
Drum has bought up the entire available supply. Oh yesss, and I
need to find a better splatter for the door. These days it seems
like half the customers are normals coming in just to goggle at
the regulars. Though I've got to say, they certainly buy lots of
my most expensive cocktails."
Pors Stronginthearm, a weapons maker: "My resolution for next year
will be to turn all Burleigh & Stronginthearm swords and crossbows
into ploughshares. Hah! - no, sorry, just a little Kad'k joke for
you there. Although with the way things have been since the Koom
Valley Disambiguation, the idea of branching out into interspecies
farming implements has a certain appeal. But our culture will endure
beyond wars and...truces. And where there's a dwarf there's and
axe, and where there's an axe there's always a need for a newer axe,
so the B&S foundry will carry on from strength to strength.
Actually, I do resolve to offer a new line in sized-up traditional
Dwarf arms and armour next year. It seems that the recent Thud craze
has led to high demand among Troll players for appropriate costume.
Never let it be said that B&S doesn't believe in multiculturalism,
especially when there's profit in it."
Annagramma Hawkin, a young witch of the Ramtops: "Next year will be
*my* year! The year when I teach the teacher. Oh, not Mistress
Weatherwax; she's far too set in her old-school ways to learn from
bright new blood, that is to say from me. But Mrs Earwig, now - it's
time the silly woman woke up and realised that witching isn't just
about spells and jewellery and dancing in the moonlight and selling
books to impressionable young girls. I personally have rolled up my
sleeves and witched in the presence of actual genuine peasants and
farm women! Yes, and I might add that I'm entirely self-taught. So
my resolution is to bring the true way of witching to all those who
think that it's just about what gimmicks and accessories you can
buy in a shop. Now, as far as personal resolutions, I don't think I
need to improve myself at all. But I might take the time to have
Petulia the pig-witch show me how she's coming along with her, er,
craft. That should be amusing. It's not as if there's anything I
need to learn about witching livestock, surely not!"
Millie Chillum, lady-in-waiting to Queen Magrat of Lancre: "Ooh, you
actually want to know my resolutions? Um, well, 'scuse me while I
curtsey, makes me less nervous. Um, her Highness Missus Queen
Magrat Ma'am keeps telling me to be more self-assertive, so I guess
my resolution is to be more self-assertive next year. Um, 'scuse me,
I just have to pick up Princess Esme's toys. So I guess what I'll
have to do is learn more about what self-assertive means. Missus
Magrat Ma'am says it's about self-determination, but I'm not sure
how that applies to me because everything I do 's always been
determined by other people. She, her Highness that is, said I also
need to practise regular self-assessment, but I've always been
regular and I've nothing an assessor'd be interested, I'm sure. Um,
'scuse me, I just have to go change the herbs in the garderobes."
The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct
Banjo Lilywhite, former thug and current part-time anthropomorphic
personification: "Youse mean I gets a whole year? Jus' for myself?
An' no gibbin it back! Golly! I don' haf dem reso, resola, dem
things cos I'm happy here, dere's trees an' grass an' ever't'ing's
clean like me Mam allus said it oughtta be. An' Miss Susan comes by
sometimes an' we gets milk an' cookies an' she shows me how ta wash
m'hands an' speak betterer. Um, I guess next year I could make a
statchyer of me mam outta teef. Gots lotsa teef here. A whole year?
Brick, a foundling Troll and trainee Watchman: "My New Ears
Resalooshun is not fallin over der wagon again, an' to work real
hard and be a pro-duck-tive member of sossioty like Detritus, cos it
hurts when he thumps me. Hey, why dey call it New Ears anyway? I
don' need no new ears, I gots perfickly good ones already. Or mebbe
dat's why Detritus him allus say he gonna gimme a fick ear. Anyway
I hope I has a good year an' none'a dat stuff dat makes me brain
all sparkly no more."
Petulia Gristle, a noted pig-witch of the Ramtops: "Um, resolutions?
Oh, I hadn't given it much, um, thought, we've been so busy here
getting the pig-houses ready for winter, at least we'll be having a
regular winter here this year, ha-ha, Tiffany hasn't been going to
any special dances lately...um, no, can't think of any - ohh! Is
that a Sto Lat Saddleback sow in the field over there? Lovely! I
didn't know anyone up this way had one. They're wonderful pigs to
work with, you know. Gentle, brighter than most breeds, and the
sows in farrow are just fabulous, no bother at all. If more people
invested in Saddlebacks my job would be a lot easier, I can tell you
that. I'll just go over for a closer - sorry, what were you talking
End of Part 3, says my computer -- continued on Part 4 of 5
If you did not get all 5 parts, write: jschaum111@...
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