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WOSSNAME -- DECEMBER 2006 -- PART 2 OF 5

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  • JSCHAUM111@aol.com
    WOSSNAME -- DECEMBER 2006 -- PART 2 OF 5 ... oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo YOUR DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE by Lady Anaemia Asterisk A BRAND
    Message 1 of 1 , Dec 29, 2006
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      WOSSNAME -- DECEMBER 2006 -- PART 2 OF 5
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      oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

      YOUR DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE

      by Lady Anaemia Asterisk

      A BRAND NEW YEAR, A BRAND NEW YOU

      Greetings, my happy Hogswatch horoscope-readers! The ancient time of
      Hogswatch signals the start of a new year full of fresh opportunity,
      endless possibilities and a host of Zodiac-influenced disasters.
      It's also a time for visiting dear friends and family, feasting and
      quaffing to excess, and most of all for New Year's resolutions. In
      light of this, I've recently travelled the Disc to seek out a number
      of well-known personalities (mainly with people attached to them)
      to discover their resolutions for the New Year and share them for
      your delectation and entertainment and also as a possible source of
      inspiration. There's no time like the present for changing your ways
      - after the festivities are over, of course.

      Happy Hogswatch to all, and mind how you go with the sherry!
      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      The Adamant Hedgehog 21 Mar - 20 Apr

      Willikins, butler to the Ramkin-Vimes family: "In the following year,
      I intend to see to the further restoration of Lady Sybil's
      ancestral home. Now that Young Master Sam is growing rapidly, it's
      time some of the long-disused rooms got a proper airing and are made
      suitable for visitors and guests. I shall also be studying new
      strategies for convincing Lord Samuel to allow me to buttle him
      properly. And I shall make time for a refresher course in the
      martial arts of Shamlegger Street, since I have finally accepted
      that extra-familial violence in the Ramkin home is simply a part of
      daily life for a personage as danger-prone as my employer."

      Sally von Humpeding, Watchman and, um, spy: "My Hogswatch resolution
      ...well, after so many years of having Hogswatch as the number one
      time of the year for going out and getting really hammered on...um...
      my species' favourite drink, I think my resolution nowadays should
      be to never do that sort of drinking again. So this Hogswatch and
      every Hogswatch I will renew my Temperance Society pledge with extra
      formality and a good unbeating heart. I also resolve to do less
      drinking of the human sort, that is to say alcohol, because every
      time I go for a big night out at The Bucket with my colleagues, I
      wake up with some of my bats missing. Life as a Black Ribboner is
      difficult enough without having to spend hours chasing down bits of
      my extremities! So no more of those drinks with the funny paper
      umbrellas in them - they cause me to, well, let's just say that for
      a vampire, the expression 'forget my own head next' is upsettingly
      literal."

      Mrs Earwig, a self-confessed modern Ramtops witch: "Next year my
      sacred mission on behalf of the spirits of higher magicks is to
      fight against the latest resurgence of the un-Enlightened witching
      community. It seems that the younger members of the Craft are acting
      like, well, like old ladies in black - mixing curative herbal
      potions without so much as donning a piece of occult jewellery or
      consulting my book of Rituals of Purification for the Sisters of
      Arcana, making personal visits to those dreadfully unsophisticated
      villagers, and even refusing to cast spells! One can't be having
      with that sort of thing, can one..."

      Lord Rust, scion of an old Ankh-Morpork family: "My Hogswatch
      resolution? Get some law and order back in this city. What these
      uppity Guilds need is to be taken out and thrashed good and proper,
      to a man. And that should be to a man. Time we rid this city of all
      those lawn ornaments and rocks. And those vampires and zombies while
      we're at it - what they need's to be given a damn good thrashing and
      shown the way to the Turnwise Gate. Oh, and get that de Worde feller
      thrown off that upstart newspaper. Ought to have the whole damn
      thing shut down. Public opinions? Hah! The holding of opinions is
      an hereditary right of the nobility. The public need a damn good
      thrashing, the lot of 'em."
      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      Gahoolie, the Vase of Tulips 21 Apr - 21 May

      Grag Bashfull Bashfullsson, an encouragingly modern Dwarf: "In this
      coming year, I resolve to turn my face further into the light while
      yet remaining endarkened. These times of change call for changing
      ways. Slowly changing ways, of course. I have every respect for our
      thousands of years of laws and traditions. But as the axe of the
      mind cuts away all but truth, so can it cut away the mined-out seams
      of pointless hatred and ways no longer useful to our people. Ankh-
      Morpork may be a city of the lost, but the lost can be reclaimed.
      Any anyway, the beer at Gimlet's beats anything I ever had back in
      Copperhead. Nothing like a friendly pint to help the reclaiming
      along."

      Lobsang Ludd, a noted Time Lord: "In honour of my esteemed teacher
      and boyhood guide Lu-Tze, I resolve to get around to giving the
      History Monks some fresh hours and a good supply of yesterdays. I
      also intend to investigate the mystery of why so many humans seem to
      have time on their hands. I'm quite sure I didn't put it there."

      Sadie, an Agony Aunt: "Actually, dear, I make *other* people keep
      their resolutions. I've never had a problem with my own. Although I
      suppose I could wish to work even more quietly next year. And to
      leave fewer marks."

      Mustrum Ridcully, Archchancellor of Unseen University: "In the New
      Year, I intend to institute some changes to the University. Time we
      brought back the daily compulsory dawn jog for all senior staff.
      And callisthenics. And fish. Must have a word with the Chair of
      Thaumozoology about breeding some sludge-resistant fish for our
      stretch of the Ankh, that wussy natural selection is a complete
      failure when it comes to making good tough pike with good tough
      teeth. And I'm going to have a word with Stibbons - he needs to get
      out of that stuffy High Energy Magic building and into the good
      healthy fug of the Archchancellor's Games Room so he can devote his
      high energy to something useful, like creating more wormholes in
      that rubber sheet he always goes on about so I can do more
      spectacular trick billiards shots."
      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      Herne the Hunted 22 May - 21 Jun

      Ella Saturday, Baroness de Genua: "My resolution for next year is to
      visit Mrs Gogol more often - I've been kept so busy practising
      laissez-faire that it's quite ruined my social life. And I'll check
      all the palace mirrors more frequently and make sure they're safely
      covered. Oh, and much as I hate to interfere with the daily
      business of my dear people, I think I'll issue a proclamation, no, a
      request, that all restaurants keep frogs' legs off the menu from now
      on. The thought of frogs still gives me the heebie-jeebies."

      Tiffany Aching, witch and cheesemaker: "Next year I resolve to not
      kiss any boys under ANY circumstances! Even if they make avalanches
      and icebergs for me. And *especially* not if they give me water-
      colour painting sets! Also, I shall write my diary in code. And I
      promise to take Wentworth fishing at least once a month, and make
      sure he catches a fish of *more than* forty pounds' weight. Hamish
      the Aviator brought me a request from Horace to make him a bride,
      but I think one mobile sentient cheese is more than enough, if one
      can call an honorary Feegle sentient."

      Susan Sto Helit, governess and part-time anthropomorphic
      personification: "So another Hogswatch season comes, another mad
      scramble to buy showier presents than anyone else and dine and drink
      with relatives you spend the rest of the year avoiding for good
      reason, another time of taking vital ancient traditions that once had
      a purpose, a purpose of visceral urgent blood-deep death and
      renewal, and making them into debased tinsel-wrapped cuddly
      children's nonsense. And of course, of people who have spent the
      whole year misbehaving in depressingly typical human ways suddenly
      swearing to completely change those ways, and of this passionate
      resolve lasting only to the end of the post-Hogswatchnight hangover,
      at which point the whole sad parade of weaknesses begins all over
      again. You know, at times like this I almost feel a certain sympathy
      for Grandfather's, um, state of existence, as he doesn't have to
      bother with any of this. Yes, he makes a habit of trying to bother
      with it, but the point is that he doesn't *have* to. Excuse me,
      you're standing in front of a bogeyman. Pass me the poker, would
      you?"

      Hodgesaargh, Royal Falconer of Lancre: "Oh, is it a new year again?
      Hawks aren't too concerned about the new year, they really only care
      about the right season for nesting. My resolution is to increase the
      number of successful hatchings next year. And to teach Her Majesty's
      wowhawk to let go of my arm before flying off."

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      The Wizard's Staff and Knob 22 Jun - 22 Jul

      The Librarian, a noted wizard and ape: "Oook ook ook oook ook. Eek!"

      [Translation: "Next year I must discourage the student wizards from
      reading the books. What do they think they're playing at? That gets
      under my fur, that does. Books aren't meant to be *read* - they're
      meant to be cared for and cherished and comforted on stormy nights
      when the Library's magical field is off the thaumometers and above
      all else not *read*. They get frightened when people look at their
      pages! But these, these, these students, they borrow them and *read*
      them and bring them back with strawberry jam and sushi stains in
      them and - argh, it's more than an ape can bear. I'm going for a
      lie-down with my blanket. If anyone wants me, I'll be under my
      desk."]

      Lady Roberta Meserole, a noted...aunt: "Now that I'm spending what
      one might delicately call my dotage back in the pleasant clime of
      my very late husband's Genua estate, I've had time to look back over
      my more active years. Having done so, my conclusion is that all the
      resolutions I ever had have been brought to a satisfactory pass. My
      dear nephew continues to make a fine job of the position I so wisely
      arranged for him to take; my dear friends in Uberwald are making
      excellent progress in their quest for more modern and less
      sanguinary forms of government; even young Ella seems to be taking to
      heart my teachings on the subject of laissez-faire governance. I
      sometimes wish I was young enough to take a more proactive role in
      developments regarding the current Agatean Empire...no, I think the
      Fangs, Tangs, Hongs and MacSweeneys have a sufficient complement of
      political manipulators among them to solve the situation without my
      help. So my one remaining resolution is to continue having a quiet
      life. And improving my breed of long-haired white cats. I'm
      presently selectively breeding ones that possess a natural enigmatic
      half-smile. So appropriate, don't you think?"
      ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
      End of Part 2, says my computer -- continued on Part 3 of 5
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      If you did not get all 5 parts, write: jschaum111@...
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