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WOSSNAME -- NOVEMBER 2006 -- PART 5 OF 5

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  • JSCHAUM111@aol.com
    WOSSNAME -- NOVEMBER 2006 -- PART 5 OF 5 ... oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo (14) YOUR NEW DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE (continued) by Lady
    Message 1 of 1 , Dec 1, 2006
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      WOSSNAME -- NOVEMBER 2006 -- PART 5 OF 5
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      oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

      (14) YOUR NEW DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE (continued)
      by Lady Anaemia Asterisk

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
      Androgyna Majestis 24 Oct - 22 Nov

      BUGBEARS TO BEWHERE: VykiBekum; Kaatu and the Sisters of Hellton

      Andies tend to fall prey to a host of sartorial and social weaknesses
      - and to the demons that cause the worst of these. Most fearsome of
      such demons is the VykiBekum. Bestower of wardrobe malfunctions,
      white handbags, terrifying lip-gloss and a craving to be iconographed
      whilst shopping, VykiBekum is the scourge of human women everywhere
      in the Multiverse. Respectable gentlewomen visited in the night by
      this she-demon have been known to awaken with unsought hair
      extensions and severe eating disorders. Worse yet, they find
      themselves obsessively drawn to handsome tattooed sportsmen of low
      intelligence, or even possessed of a desire to commit Music with
      Rocks In despite utterly lacking discernible talent. A minor relative
      of the VykiBekum, the Jakytila, is far less harmful - but whatever
      you do, don't let her in your kitchen, as she will put everything
      edible into your chip pan! Some say the Rohztila is also a demon of
      this water, but they're wrong; the Roztila is in actuality a type of
      Good Fairy and a saver of universes, lip-gloss notwithstanding.

      Kaatu the Poseur, not a demon but rather a minor deity forever
      angling to become a major one, is the Small God of Social Climbing.
      Anyone touched by the acrylic nails of Kaatu will dedicate her or
      his life to marrying royalty, impersonating royalty at soirees and
      Clicks premieres, or snaring any heiresses or captains of industry
      who happen to be lying around loose (and lying around loose is also
      an embarrassing speciality of Kaatu's victim's). Kaatu is served by
      an order of blonde priestesses, the Sisters of Hellton, who are
      known by their shockingly brief habits, their briefly shocking
      *other* habits, and their penchant for keeping small vicious wild
      animals as lapdogs. Bewhere!

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      Great T'Phon's Foot 23 Nov - 21 Dec

      BUGBEARS TO BEWHERE: the Gyyk Fairy; Rama-Kuni the Dancer

      Footies already have a tendency toward unrealistic pursuits, so the
      Gyyk Fairy is a must to avoid for you lot. This Bad Fairy confers on
      the unwary an over-consuming love of technomancy, anoraks, bananana
      and sushi pizzas, insanely violent role-playing gamery, and terrible
      pulp novels about barbarian swordsmen (and impossibly gentle Noble
      Dragons...and impossibly over-endowed young princesses with bagels
      on their ears...and impossibly anachronistic weaponry...), and an
      insistence on sitting around to all hours discussing what sort of
      arm motions create maximum spell-casting power and who would win an
      arse-kicking contest between Granny Weatherwax and Cohen the
      Barbarian. On the plus side, victims of the Gyyk Fairy are much in
      demand with the UU High Energy Magic Department. On the minus side,
      victims of the Gyyk Fairy are much in demand with the UU High Energy
      Magic Department. It's a lose-lose situation.

      Rama-Kuni, a demon once little known but now famously parodied in the
      Vitoller Players' theatrical series "Little Morpork", causes its
      victims to communicate only through the medium of Dance (not to be
      confused with Madame Smalls, the Medium of Dance - who practises
      prognostication in Dance Golightly, a notably clumsy-denizened
      village near Slice). Persons transformed by Rama-Kuni can be
      recognised by their fondness for tartan, tendency to become
      hostellers, and insistence on playing the flute. Bewhere!

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      Hoki the Jokester 22 Dec - 20 Jan

      BUGBEARS TO BEWHERE: the Pterrordactyl; Worcta Ruul

      The Pterrordactyl, a rare hot-blooded winged reptilian monster left
      over from the prehistoric days before the Fifth Elephant's crash-
      landing wiped out nearly all Discly life, is every Hokian's worst
      nightmare - or more exactly, everyone else's worst nightmare should
      a typical Hokian and a Pterrordactyl come together. The creature
      gives its victims both greatly enhanced power and a maddened desire
      to sow fear, mayhem and, yes, terror near and abroad. Especially
      abroad. Remember, Hoki is the Sign of powerful witches, powerful
      rulers and dangerously deep thinkers, all of whom are scary enough
      without the added boost of the Pterrordactyl's touch! Do we *really*
      want, say, a King or Patrician with the power of a Sourcerer,
      the cleverness of Leonard of Quirm and the murderousness of Lily
      Weatherwax? - um, that was a rhetorical question. If you needed more
      than one second to think about it, you definitely need to bewhere
      the Pterrordactyl!

      Far less overtly dangerous but still capable of bringing entire
      societies to their knees, the demon Worcta Ruul sows its own sort of
      mayhem. Worcta Ruul, a distant relative of Count Specula (although
      usually working what could be described as the other side of the
      socioeconomic street), nests in featherbeds surrounded by picket
      fences and loves to foment strikes, go-slows and dogged adherence to
      the most minor and exacting small print in employment contracts. It
      frequently strikes at public works committees, road-building crews
      and distributors of tax rebates, but in a pinch is quite happy to
      stir up household wars over who has to wash how many dishes on
      Octeday night or whose turn it is to clean which square foot of the
      pig shed. Bewhere!

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      The Rather Large Gazunda 21 Jan - 18 Feb

      BUGBEARS TO BEWHERE: Papa Rotsie; Kalmi the Wanderer

      Papa Rotsie may have a jolly, avuncular name, but he's a bad, bad
      elemental. With his vast army of determined iconograph imps and his
      huge nose that can smell out any potentially embarrassing public or
      private situation, Papa Rotsie travels the Disc in search of victims
      among both high and low levels of society and marks them with his
      dread sigil, so that his icono-imps can take the worst possible
      pictures - where "worst" means "most likely to cause loss of face,
      loss of position, or loss of credibility" - and drop copies through
      the mail-slots of The Times and of every publisher of village
      newsletters, almanacks and scurrilous gossip-sheets. If you trip and
      knock over the Patrician at a stellar event, Papa Rotsie will find
      you (so will the Dark Clerks, but that's another problem entirely).
      And he'll also find you when you're trying a discreet exit from some
      famous Lady's bedroom window...or when you've travelled to
      Howondaland to secretly adopt a fashionably poor toddler...or when
      your latest Igor "facial" hasn't quite healed yet...a very dangerous
      manifestation, Papa Rotsie has even been suspected of causing high-
      speed royal coach crashes. Such is the price of fame. And
      unflattering iconographs.

      A lonely demon on a lonely planet, Kalmi the Wanderer infects its
      victims with endless wanderlust, most of all with a desire to travel
      to the most remote and least safe of places, armed only with an
      oversized rucksack, far too few changes of underwear, and a badly
      dog-eared secondhand copy of Sir Roderick Purdeigh's "Rough Guide to
      Countries You Really Shouldn't Visit Without an Army". If called by
      Kalmi, you will immediately trade your watch for a compass, your
      cart for a pair of hiking boots, and your commonsense for, well, a
      Burton (remember, Purdeigh is the man whose most famous quotation
      was 'I only speak two languages, Morporkian and bad Morporkian').
      Most victims find themselves far from home, freezing cold or sunburnt
      beyond recognition, and often inside a village's communal cooking
      pot - or a tiger. Bewhere!

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      Lesser Umbrage 19 Feb - 20 Mar

      BUGBEARS TO BEWHERE: the Bewrick Rat; Habius, Server of Writs

      Long ago, behind the rear entrance to what is now the Patrician's
      Palace, there stood a small laneway known as Bewrick Alley, where
      dwelt all the King's accountants, tax-counters and similar
      functionaries; and in this laneway evolved a small, tidy, harmless
      rodent that fed exclusively on scraps of the red ribbon used to tie
      up official scrolls. Then a storm of magical leakage from Unseen
      University swept through the area, turning the harmless rodent into
      a huge, slavering, insatiable monster (and coincidentally wiping out
      all traces of Bewrick Alley, so that the only surviving reference to
      it is the name of this dreadful creature. The Bewrick Rat is drawn
      to anything red-coloured to feed its eternal hunger, and thus is
      infamous for being able to extract blood even from a stone! It is
      also notable for being the Disc's only cold-blooded mammal, and for
      never deserting a sinking ship until all accounts payable have been
      collected.

      Habius, Server of Writs, is perhaps the most dangerous of all the
      Proxi Demons. Known for its disregard of clocks, refusal to wait at
      locked doors, general rudeness, and uncanny ability to track its
      victims in crowded restaurants, pathless forests and mountaintop
      holiday chalets, Habius can prevail against the most carefully
      thought-out escape plans and never takes "NO!!!" for an answer. The
      best defence against this demon is premature death, although some
      members of the Fresh Start Club can testify that this doesn't always
      work. At least Habius does give its victims some warning, though -
      it's the only mystical creature that glows blue in the presence of...
      itself. Bewhere!
      oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

      15) THE LONG-AWAITED MULTIPLE CHOICE QUIZ ANSWERS

      1) Who is Gordo Smith?
      a. The father of Eskarina Smith
      b. The identity under which Moist von Lipwig was first arrested
      c. The lead singer of The Cure

      2) The Ramtop Mountains lie directly across:
      a. The bones of the Fifth Elephant
      b. The Disc's standing magical wave
      c. The path of the moon in Spring Secundus

      3) Mme Cupidor was:
      a. A fortune-teller turned into a toad by Lilith de Tempescire
      b. The inventor of modern corsetry
      c. The mistress of Mad King Soup

      4) For bonus points, what did Mme Cupidor's wig contain?
      a. A small troupe of dwarf actors
      b. A takeaway linguini shop
      c. A partridge in a pear tree

      5) What makes the Ramkin family gardens so remarkable?
      a. They can be reached from every house in Empirical crescent
      b. The ornamental zoo contains every animal in the Ankh-Morpork
      heraldic bestiary
      c. An ancestor of Sybil's shot B.S. Johnson as he was coming up
      the driveway, so he never showed his plans for the gardens

      6) Which of the following is NOT the holder of a hereditary title?
      a. Earl Bottomley
      b. Countess Notfaroutoe
      c. Compte de Yoyo

      7) Gytha Ogg's three known husbands were:
      a. Sobriety, Bestiality and Kevin
      b. Albert, Winston and Sobriety
      c. Sobriety, Winston and Alf

      7+1) For bonus points, which other Discworld woman of note had at
      least three husbands?
      a. Marietta Cosmopilite
      b. Rosemary Palm
      c. Lily Weatherwax

      9) Quoth the Raven was originally owned by a wizard called:
      a. Ly Tin Wheedle
      b. C.V. Cheesewaller
      c. Jubilation T. Cornpone

      10) The principal trading ports of the Circle Sea are:
      a. Ankh-Morpork, Quirm and Tsort
      b. Ankh-Morpork, Ephebe and Genua
      c. Ankh-Morpork, Al Khali and Ephebe

      11) Sto Lat and Sto Helit are two famous city-states of the Sto
      Plains. Name a third:
      a. Sto Kerrig
      b. Sto Kendra
      c. Sto Carrick

      12) Octarines glow when exposed to a strong magical field.
      Otherwise, they look like:
      a. White Ankhstones
      b. Inferior diamonds
      c. Yellow quartz

      13) How did Lord Winstanleigh Greville-Pipe end his days?
      a. In a sea cave on an unnamed island off the Bhangbhangduc coast
      b. In the arms of Mme Cupidor
      c. In a tiger

      ______________________

      ANSWERS TO SEPTEMBER 2006 MULTIPLE CHOICE QUIZ
      (lost in the shuffle in our October issue )

      1. a
      2. b
      3. c
      4. b
      5. c
      6. a
      7. b
      7+1.c
      9. b
      10. c
      11. a
      12. b
      13. c
      oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
      If you did not get all 5 parts, write: jschaum111@...
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      Copyright 2006 by Klatchian Foreign Legion
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