WOSSNAME -- SEPTEMBER 2006 -- PART 4 OF 5
- WOSSNAME -- SEPTEMBER 2006 -- PART 4 OF 5
13) SONG OF THE MONTH
by Weird Alice Lancrevic
SCUMBLE OF '69
with apologies to Bryan Adams
Good drinking songs often make no sense. This is a good drinking
song. It makes no sense. Q.E.D.!
I got my first real hogshead
Bought it in a pub in Slice
Drank until my insides bled
It was the Scumble of '69
Me and some mates from Skund
Made some stills, we tried real hard
Carter's broke and Gubbin's exploded
I think he'd gone an apple too far
Oh, when I chug back now
Hangovers seem to last forever
And if it contains 'herbs'
Well, I'd drink from Grune to Ember
That's just the worst booze of my life.
Don't need Klatchian coffee
When there's Ramtop 'mountain dew'
Spend my evenings gatherin' apples
Mix in some dead sheep, too
Stumblin' from the Goat and Bush
I chundered in the Lancre River
Oh and when it floated past
I swear I saw my lungs and liver
That was the worst booze of my life.
Drinkin' the Scumble of '69
Oh yeah, drinkin' the Scumble of '69
Man, how our brain cells fried
Didn't need Assassins - we had Scumblecide
An' reannuals last forever, forever...owwww!
And now the scumble's changing
Looks like Nanny had a word with Shawn
Sometimes when I drink I stay sober
The vintage week of '69 is gone
Sneakin' into Granny's Herbs
I tell you, I was so dry-throated
Oh, the way they grabbed my legs
Who knew the sage and thyme were loaded?!
That was the worst booze of my life
Oh noooo...drinkin'the Scumble of '69
Oh dear...drinkin' the Scumble of '69
...a vintage Tuesday in '69...
NOTE: Weird Alice is happy to consider suggestions for songs to
be Discfully mangled. Send your favourites in today! Email to:
13) THE NEW DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE
by Lady Anaemia Asterisk
DWI: CRIMINAL INTENT
Crime! Who hasn't been at the sharp pointy end of it at some sharp
point? Who hasn't contemplated committing a crime at some moment?
Who, when you get right down to it, hasn't read about some daring,
infamous criminal's exploits and thought, "Ooh, I wish *I* had the
figgins to carry that off?" Of course, it's said -- usually by an
overenthusiastic member of the Watch -- that even the most seemingly
innocent persons, living the most seemingly innocent lives, are in
contravention of *some* law somewhere at any given moment. Possibly
even whilst asleep. Or in the bath . And the last thing you want
is a six-foot dwarf Watch Captain standing behind you when that
moment happens, don't you think?  So provided hereinunder for
your delectation, my sweet little astrolopossums , is a guide to
which sorts of crimes are the likeliest choices for beings born under
each Sign to, erm, get away with. Read on, and don't forget to pick
up a few extra pairs of NoPrints gloves from the Sonky rubber works!
 If you don't believe me, have a read through the publications of
the Ankh-Morpork Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Rubber
 Especially in the bath.
 Not to be confused with astropossums. These small, harmless
Space Marsupials surf endlessly in the wake of Great A'Tuin's
gravity waves and are sometimes mistaken for shooting stars by
observers near the Rim. They mate in the vastnesses of Space,
excrete octarine stardust, and never read horoscopes to see whether
or not they should bother to get out of bed, because they have no
beds to get out of.
NOTE! DiscWorld Intractables: Criminal Intent has no connection to
any sort of well-known Roundworld entertainments whatsoever, and
should also not be mistaken for Horse Tribes: Criminals in Tents.
The Adamant Hedgehog 21 Mar - 20 Apr
Your recommended crime is: Grand Theft
Anyone can be a thief (or a Thief, assuming you've passed the exams
and earned the licence), but Hoggers, with their tendencies to
presumption, arrogance and the holding of hereditary military
commissions, are particularly suited to Grand Theft (i.e., stealing
items worth more than a grand) and its relative-offence, Very Grand
Theft, a (posher) class of crime that covers such things as stealing
entire treasuries and becoming a king by cutting off the former job-
holder's head with a very big broadsword. Grand Theft requires
careful planning, panache and probably a packed lunch, as you may
have to spend many long hours waiting behind a potted aspidistra in
the Ankh Bank until closing time. Those of a musical bent might wish
to investigate the committing of Grand Theft Piano.
Famous Hogger criminals include: Reacher Gilt, known for perpetrating
Grand Trunk Theft; Junius "Jellyroll" Harpstrung, the noted piano
Gahoolie, the Vase of Tulips 21 Apr - 21 May
Your recommended crime is: Fraud
Gahooligans truly excel at fraud and deception! Some of the most
creative fraudmongers on the Disc were born under this Sign, and
many of these have succeeded on a grand scale. Of course, many others
have ended up in various dungeons or in the digestive tract of a
Vieux River alligator, but a good fraud is always worth the risk.
You live for the thrill of the sting, the rustle of the marks' money
and the knowledge that you're just that bit cleverer than the
common herd. Remember that, deep down, most people want to believe
in the quick buck and the easy dough, and are ever ready to offer
themselves like fatted calves for fleecing. In fact, your victims
are so willing that they can easily be convinced to ignore the worst
of your criminally mixed mettyfors. However, you should never try to
play Cripple Mr Onion with helpless-looking elderly spinster ladies
Famous Gahooligan criminals include: Moist von Lipwig, who has a
better eye than most eagles for the main chance; Mister Frank, card
hustler extraordinaire (shame about his not noticing that broom)
Herne the Hunted 22 May - 21 Jun
Your recommended crime is: Housebreaking and Shoplifting
It's said that thieving is the oldest criminal profession, and what
proves it better than the ancient crime that set us all on the road
to Civilisation? - namely, the breaking and entering of Cori Celesti
by Fingers Mazda, who stole the secret of fire from the Gods. So all
you Hernian housebreakers and shoplifters are but following a noble,
nay, the noblest tradition of all. Unfortunately, it's also against
the laws of all civilised societies, but you can't let a little
thing like that put you off your glorious career! Still, it's best
to be prepared. Sneaky Shim's Implements of Discretion offers a wide
range of lockpicks, jemmies and invisibility spells, all of which
can now be ordered by Clacks from Shim's extensive catalogue. Tip:
never break into one of those shops that's always been there as of
only yesterday; you might find yourself incarcerated in a universe
10,000 dimensions from home.
Famous Hernian criminals include: Fingers Mazda (see above); Grisham
Frord, a cappella vocalist and lead enforcer for the Musicians'
The Wizard's Staff and Knob 22 Jun - 22 Jul
Your recommended crime is: Conspiracy
Conspiracies are meat and drink to Staffies. Whether it's secret
political cabals, putting together a string of informers to uncover
and publish the Truth, making deadly allies for advancing a career
in wizardry, or forming factions within an extended family to ensure
that a certain daughter-in-law gets her comeuppance for criticising
your new curtains, no-one can conspire quite like a Staffie can. And
if you can combine politics, magic and interdimensional intrigue, so
much the better! You need to keep your wits about you, though --
those who conspire with fellow conspirators are canoodling with the
sort of conspiratorial conspiracy-makers who are likely to conspire
against them with other cabals, cadres, commiserators and similar
secret societies not necessarily beginning with C. Choose your
henchbeings wisely, or you may find yourself becoming the object of
the sort of cover-up that has concrete in it.
Famous Staffie criminals include: Lupine Wonse, who learned the hard
way not to conspire with dragons; Lady Roberta Meserole, the perfect
auntie for an ambitious politician; Stren Withel, expelled from
the Assassins' Guild for enjoying his practical classwork too much
Bilious, God of Hangovers 23 Jul - 23 Aug
Your recommended crime is: Use and Sale of Prohibited Substances
Whether the poison of choice is Slab, Scrape, Hooch, Happy Baccy,
Snoot, Scumble or the chocolates in that hidden Higgs and Meakins
warehouse that their customers aren't supposed to know exists, the
enterprising Dealer of Substances will never be short of a client or
twelve. Bilians are famed for their unwise consumption of mind-
altering chemicals, so it's only a short step to sharing the love.
And the little purple winged elephants and nightmares worthy of a
go in the Dungeon Dimensions. All you need is a tame Alchemist and
a couple of silicaceous enforcers, and the key to illicit riches
will be yours! Do remember not to sample the merchandise, and never
forget that every third customer is likely to be a Watchman. Which
doesn't necessarily mean an *undercover* Watchman. Even coppers
need to relax and go "wibblewibblebliggetywoooo!" sometimes...
Famous Bilian criminals include: Mr Tulip, a Substancer of endless
variety and invention; the late Sobriety Ogg, who perfected the
modern recipe for Scumble
(continued on Part 5)
End of Part 4, says my computer -- continued on Part 5 of 5
If you did not get all 5 parts, write: jschaum111@...
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]