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WOSSNAME -- SEPTEMBER 2006 -- PART 4 OF 5

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  • JSCHAUM111@aol.com
    WOSSNAME -- SEPTEMBER 2006 -- PART 4 OF 5 ... oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo 13) SONG OF THE MONTH by Weird Alice Lancrevic SCUMBLE OF 69
    Message 1 of 1 , Sep 28 3:58 PM
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      WOSSNAME -- SEPTEMBER 2006 -- PART 4 OF 5
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      oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

      13) SONG OF THE MONTH
      by Weird Alice Lancrevic

      SCUMBLE OF '69
      with apologies to Bryan Adams

      Good drinking songs often make no sense. This is a good drinking
      song. It makes no sense. Q.E.D.!

      -------o---------

      I got my first real hogshead
      Bought it in a pub in Slice
      Drank until my insides bled
      It was the Scumble of '69
      Me and some mates from Skund
      Made some stills, we tried real hard
      Carter's broke and Gubbin's exploded
      I think he'd gone an apple too far

      Oh, when I chug back now
      Hangovers seem to last forever
      And if it contains 'herbs'
      Well, I'd drink from Grune to Ember
      That's just the worst booze of my life.

      Don't need Klatchian coffee
      When there's Ramtop 'mountain dew'
      Spend my evenings gatherin' apples
      Mix in some dead sheep, too
      Stumblin' from the Goat and Bush
      I chundered in the Lancre River
      Oh and when it floated past
      I swear I saw my lungs and liver
      That was the worst booze of my life.

      Drinkin' the Scumble of '69
      Oh yeah, drinkin' the Scumble of '69
      Oh noooo...

      Man, how our brain cells fried
      Didn't need Assassins - we had Scumblecide
      An' reannuals last forever, forever...owwww!

      And now the scumble's changing
      Looks like Nanny had a word with Shawn
      Sometimes when I drink I stay sober
      The vintage week of '69 is gone

      Sneakin' into Granny's Herbs
      I tell you, I was so dry-throated
      Oh, the way they grabbed my legs
      Who knew the sage and thyme were loaded?!
      That was the worst booze of my life
      Oh noooo...drinkin'the Scumble of '69
      Oh dear...drinkin' the Scumble of '69
      ...a vintage Tuesday in '69...

      NOTE: Weird Alice is happy to consider suggestions for songs to
      be Discfully mangled. Send your favourites in today! Email to:
      JSCHAUM111@...
      oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

      13) THE NEW DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE
      by Lady Anaemia Asterisk

      DWI: CRIMINAL INTENT

      Crime! Who hasn't been at the sharp pointy end of it at some sharp
      point? Who hasn't contemplated committing a crime at some moment?
      Who, when you get right down to it, hasn't read about some daring,
      infamous criminal's exploits and thought, "Ooh, I wish *I* had the
      figgins to carry that off?" Of course, it's said -- usually by an
      overenthusiastic member of the Watch -- that even the most seemingly
      innocent persons, living the most seemingly innocent lives, are in
      contravention of *some* law somewhere at any given moment. Possibly
      even whilst asleep. Or in the bath [1]. And the last thing you want
      is a six-foot dwarf Watch Captain standing behind you when that
      moment happens, don't you think? [2] So provided hereinunder for
      your delectation, my sweet little astrolopossums [3], is a guide to
      which sorts of crimes are the likeliest choices for beings born under
      each Sign to, erm, get away with. Read on, and don't forget to pick
      up a few extra pairs of NoPrints gloves from the Sonky rubber works!

      [1] If you don't believe me, have a read through the publications of
      the Ankh-Morpork Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Rubber
      Ducks (AMSPCRD).

      [2] Especially in the bath.

      [3] Not to be confused with astropossums. These small, harmless
      Space Marsupials surf endlessly in the wake of Great A'Tuin's
      gravity waves and are sometimes mistaken for shooting stars by
      observers near the Rim. They mate in the vastnesses of Space,
      excrete octarine stardust, and never read horoscopes to see whether
      or not they should bother to get out of bed, because they have no
      beds to get out of.

      NOTE! DiscWorld Intractables: Criminal Intent has no connection to
      any sort of well-known Roundworld entertainments whatsoever, and
      should also not be mistaken for Horse Tribes: Criminals in Tents.

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      The Adamant Hedgehog 21 Mar - 20 Apr

      Your recommended crime is: Grand Theft

      Anyone can be a thief (or a Thief, assuming you've passed the exams
      and earned the licence), but Hoggers, with their tendencies to
      presumption, arrogance and the holding of hereditary military
      commissions, are particularly suited to Grand Theft (i.e., stealing
      items worth more than a grand) and its relative-offence, Very Grand
      Theft, a (posher) class of crime that covers such things as stealing
      entire treasuries and becoming a king by cutting off the former job-
      holder's head with a very big broadsword. Grand Theft requires
      careful planning, panache and probably a packed lunch, as you may
      have to spend many long hours waiting behind a potted aspidistra in
      the Ankh Bank until closing time. Those of a musical bent might wish
      to investigate the committing of Grand Theft Piano.

      Famous Hogger criminals include: Reacher Gilt, known for perpetrating
      Grand Trunk Theft; Junius "Jellyroll" Harpstrung, the noted piano
      thief.

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      Gahoolie, the Vase of Tulips 21 Apr - 21 May

      Your recommended crime is: Fraud

      Gahooligans truly excel at fraud and deception! Some of the most
      creative fraudmongers on the Disc were born under this Sign, and
      many of these have succeeded on a grand scale. Of course, many others
      have ended up in various dungeons or in the digestive tract of a
      Vieux River alligator, but a good fraud is always worth the risk.
      You live for the thrill of the sting, the rustle of the marks' money
      and the knowledge that you're just that bit cleverer than the
      common herd. Remember that, deep down, most people want to believe
      in the quick buck and the easy dough, and are ever ready to offer
      themselves like fatted calves for fleecing. In fact, your victims
      are so willing that they can easily be convinced to ignore the worst
      of your criminally mixed mettyfors. However, you should never try to
      play Cripple Mr Onion with helpless-looking elderly spinster ladies
      bearing brooms.

      Famous Gahooligan criminals include: Moist von Lipwig, who has a
      better eye than most eagles for the main chance; Mister Frank, card
      hustler extraordinaire (shame about his not noticing that broom)

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      Herne the Hunted 22 May - 21 Jun

      Your recommended crime is: Housebreaking and Shoplifting

      It's said that thieving is the oldest criminal profession, and what
      proves it better than the ancient crime that set us all on the road
      to Civilisation? - namely, the breaking and entering of Cori Celesti
      by Fingers Mazda, who stole the secret of fire from the Gods. So all
      you Hernian housebreakers and shoplifters are but following a noble,
      nay, the noblest tradition of all. Unfortunately, it's also against
      the laws of all civilised societies, but you can't let a little
      thing like that put you off your glorious career! Still, it's best
      to be prepared. Sneaky Shim's Implements of Discretion offers a wide
      range of lockpicks, jemmies and invisibility spells, all of which
      can now be ordered by Clacks from Shim's extensive catalogue. Tip:
      never break into one of those shops that's always been there as of
      only yesterday; you might find yourself incarcerated in a universe
      10,000 dimensions from home.

      Famous Hernian criminals include: Fingers Mazda (see above); Grisham
      Frord, a cappella vocalist and lead enforcer for the Musicians'
      Guild

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      The Wizard's Staff and Knob 22 Jun - 22 Jul

      Your recommended crime is: Conspiracy

      Conspiracies are meat and drink to Staffies. Whether it's secret
      political cabals, putting together a string of informers to uncover
      and publish the Truth, making deadly allies for advancing a career
      in wizardry, or forming factions within an extended family to ensure
      that a certain daughter-in-law gets her comeuppance for criticising
      your new curtains, no-one can conspire quite like a Staffie can. And
      if you can combine politics, magic and interdimensional intrigue, so
      much the better! You need to keep your wits about you, though --
      those who conspire with fellow conspirators are canoodling with the
      sort of conspiratorial conspiracy-makers who are likely to conspire
      against them with other cabals, cadres, commiserators and similar
      secret societies not necessarily beginning with C. Choose your
      henchbeings wisely, or you may find yourself becoming the object of
      the sort of cover-up that has concrete in it.

      Famous Staffie criminals include: Lupine Wonse, who learned the hard
      way not to conspire with dragons; Lady Roberta Meserole, the perfect
      auntie for an ambitious politician; Stren Withel, expelled from
      the Assassins' Guild for enjoying his practical classwork too much

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      Bilious, God of Hangovers 23 Jul - 23 Aug

      Your recommended crime is: Use and Sale of Prohibited Substances
      Whether the poison of choice is Slab, Scrape, Hooch, Happy Baccy,
      Snoot, Scumble or the chocolates in that hidden Higgs and Meakins
      warehouse that their customers aren't supposed to know exists, the
      enterprising Dealer of Substances will never be short of a client or
      twelve. Bilians are famed for their unwise consumption of mind-
      altering chemicals, so it's only a short step to sharing the love.
      And the little purple winged elephants and nightmares worthy of a
      go in the Dungeon Dimensions. All you need is a tame Alchemist and
      a couple of silicaceous enforcers, and the key to illicit riches
      will be yours! Do remember not to sample the merchandise, and never
      forget that every third customer is likely to be a Watchman. Which
      doesn't necessarily mean an *undercover* Watchman. Even coppers
      need to relax and go "wibblewibblebliggetywoooo!" sometimes...

      Famous Bilian criminals include: Mr Tulip, a Substancer of endless
      variety and invention; the late Sobriety Ogg, who perfected the
      modern recipe for Scumble

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      (continued on Part 5)

      oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
      End of Part 4, says my computer -- continued on Part 5 of 5
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      If you did not get all 5 parts, write: jschaum111@...
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