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WOSSNAME -- SEPTEMBER 2006 -- PART 5 OF 5

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  • JSCHAUM111@aol.com
    WOSSNAME -- SEPTEMBER 2006 -- PART 5 OF 5 ... oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% Mubbo the Hyena 24 Aug - 23 Sept
    Message 1 of 1 , Sep 28, 2006
      WOSSNAME -- SEPTEMBER 2006 -- PART 5 OF 5
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      Mubbo the Hyena 24 Aug - 23 Sept (continued from Part 4)

      Your recommended crime is: White Collar Crime

      Mubboons excel at those crimes that don't involve violence (or at
      least only involve minimal and occasional violence, inevitably done
      by henchmen and hirelings...hmmm, if a gosling is a baby goose, is a
      full-grown hireling a hire?). Counterfeiting, embezzlement, money
      laundering, tax evasion, insider trading -- these are the crimes of
      persons of delicate sensibilities, who want the finer things in life
      but don't want to get their hands too dirty in the process of
      acquiring them. White-collar crime is also a field of exciting
      growth -- crimes that move with the times. Modern white-collar
      criminals can now practise in the thrilling world of Clacks hacking,
      not to mention all those new ways to use quantum thaumology to
      embezzle money that hasn't even been made yet! Best of all, you're
      a step removed from your victims, because white-collar crime is all
      about moving bits of paper around, really. And while counterfeiters
      also move bits of lead around, these aren't the sort of leaden bits
      that are as up close and personal as, say, a blackjack. Note: when
      practised by mimes, these activities are known as White Colour Crime.

      Famous Mubboon criminals include: Mr Pin, who knew his onions but
      not his potatoes; Brother Charnel, who moved some gold and found it
      made him horny

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct

      Your recommended crime is: Causing an Affray

      For all that the Small Boring Group of Faint Stars is the traditional
      Sign of excitement-abhorring law-abiding wusses, when Boring'uns set
      out to make trouble they do it with a surprising thoroughness. And
      let us not forget that the most accidentally-famous Boring'un of all
      -- Rincewind -- has been a prison escapee, riot-starter and even
      occasional almost-destroyer of universes! A notable aspect of
      Boring'un crime is that it's almost always unintentional in nature;
      persons born under this Sign tend to cause affrays by just going
      quietly about their business. You might say that they're more in the
      way of crime catalysts than actual criminals...not that that hasn't
      led to some spectacular affrays. You know what they say about good
      intentions and paving, hmm? Tip: avoid being summoned by amateur
      demonologists, or being sent to unknown continents by well-meaning
      wizards.

      Famous Boring'un criminals include: Banjo Lillywhite, the most
      dangerous Tooth Fairy in history; Bundo Prung, expelled from the
      Thieves' Guild for incompetence at thieving

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      Androgyna Majestis 24 Oct - 22 Nov

      Your recommended crime is: Tampering with a National Treasure
      When it comes to threatening anthropomorphic personifications, you
      Andies can hold your own even against the Auditors! It takes a
      special sort of mind to think far enough outside the box to commit
      crimes of this nature, and Andies tend to be so far outside the box
      that they need a telescope to see whether or not there's a cat in it.
      Not for you the ordinary round of violence and subterfuge -- no,
      your sights are set higher. And further. Why rob and terrorise the
      ordinary world when there's such a wealth of mythological figures
      and folk legends to be plundered? Pulling off capers like these
      carries a cachet worth more than booty; it's that frisson of style
      that gives you the feeling of a job well done, like the ones where
      you brave huge dangers to break into a lady's boudoir and
      anonymously leave her a box of...oh, never mind, just go do it. You
      know you want to.

      Famous Andy criminals include: Medium Dave Lillywhite, who played
      above his weight class; Jonathan Teatime, who turned out to be a
      big loser at, well, poker

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      Great T'Phon's Foot 23 Nov - 21 Dec

      Your recommended crime is: Demanding Money with Menaces

      This is a crime of considerable scope, as it covers all sorts of
      entertaining activities such as blackmail, whitemail, Show Us Yer
      Mail Because We Think There's Money In It, holding people for ransom,
      holding nations *to* ransom, holding on to people and hitting them
      for random sums, and even holding and hitting former colleagues
      because they took your share of the loot and ran some. What's more,
      it's a game for any number of players, from one-person blackmail
      enterprises to full-blown neighbourhood "protection schemes"
      involving your own private army of enforcers and, yes, whole
      neighbourhoods. And if you get successful enough, you can open your
      own financial institutions and threaten your victims with the full
      weight of the Law when they're slow with those loan repayments.
      Ain't life grand? Tip: a trained goombah with a big stick by your
      side is worth two crossbow-snipers on the roof.

      Famous Footy criminals include: Chrysoprase, an absolute rock in the
      morass of organised crime; Cripple Wa, whose floating crap game
      often includes sleeping (rather than floating) with the fishes;
      Dotsie, who puts the agony in the term Agony Aunt

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      Hoki the Jokester 22 Dec - 20 Jan

      Your recommended crime is: Arson

      Fire! Beautiful fire, warm fire. Fire, the source of heat and light
      and comfort and bed-warming pans and hot dinners. Fire is a wondrous
      thing, and the lighting of fires often leads to an almost
      spiritually exalted feeling. But truly enlightened arsonists know
      that, just as wizards know about the real point of magic being to not
      actually use any, the best part of lighting fires is *not* lighting
      them. Specifically, getting people to *pay* you for not lighting
      them. The original inventor of inn-sewer-ants was, of course, an
      arsonist who'd seen the light. Or the lack of light. So while it's
      fine to burn the occasional palace or distillery -- hey, everyone
      loves a good show! -- you should never forget that your greatest
      power lies in waving that unlit match around with just the right
      amount of...promise. A fire burns out by dawn, but an unlit match
      is a threat forever.

      Famous Hokian criminals include: Carcer, for whom no job was too
      small to take Time out for; Bravd the Barbarian, who understood the
      beauty of a city aflame

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      The Rather Large Gazunda 21 Jan - 18 Feb

      Your recommended crime is: Crimes of Passion

      Ahh, passion. The great motivator, the source of poetry and plays
      throughout the Multiverse, the driving force behind ravishers and
      green-eyed jealousy and those embarrassing moments that cause you to
      say afterwards, "Honestly, Corporal, I don't know what came over me
      -- axe? What axe? Goodness, is that an axe in my hand? I'm sure my
      wife can expl-...oh, dear..." Just as there is romance in crime, so
      there is crime in romance (or so people say, and one of those people
      is the novelist Barbaria Carthand, whose Prisoner of Pirate Passion
      series has outsold even Nanny Ogg's Joye of Snacks); and when it
      comes to criminal passion, Gazundians pretty much wrote the book, or
      at least posed convincingly for the full-colour iconograph covers.
      You Gazundians thrive on moments of murderous jealousy, on raptures
      of rapacious ravishment, on sallies of sudden seduction and lashings
      of licentiousness. And so you should! Without romance and passion,
      crime would be just another boring career choice. In any contest
      between chaste and chased, the latter will always be "it" for you.
      Even if the chasers are armed with crossbows and flaming torches...

      Famous Gazundian criminals include: J.H. Boggis, patriarch of the
      notorious Boggises who comprise the backbone (and blackjacks) of the
      Thieves' Guild; Captain Findthee Swing, whose speciality was in fact
      crimes of what could more properly be called dispassion.

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      Lesser Umbrage 19 Feb - 20 Mar

      Your recommended crime is: Behaviour Likely to Cause a Breach of the
      Peace (or Generally Behaving in an Illegal Manner)

      As usual, you Umbragians -- being born under the last Sign in this
      Zodiac -- get the best bits. Your field of excellence is general bad
      behaviour, and that includes public drunkenness; private
      drunkenness; theft; housebreaking; arson; demanding money with
      menaces; demanding menace with menaces; conspiring to commit
      sedition; consorting with known criminals; consorting with known
      consorts; making, selling and using prohibited substances; rustling;
      hustling; trespassing; using inappropriate language in a public
      place; eyeballing; nostrilling; headbanging; consorting with known
      cheeses; being very short in a threatening manner; proceeding in a
      disorderly manner; Being a Bad Influence; being in possession of the
      tools of burglary, affray, riotousness and distilling; boy oh boy,
      you've got the lot. You're the reason ASBOs were invented! I'm so
      impressed that I'm not even going to mention the L-word. You know,
      the one that starts with the letters L, A, W, Y...

      Famous Umbragian criminals include: Done It Duncan, who must be
      guilty of something since he confesses to everything; Daft Wullie
      MacFeegle, legendary for the stealin' o' the ship beasties

      (A Zodiacal note of interest about Feegles: all Nac Mac Feegles are
      born under the Sign of Lesser Umbrage. This has something to do with
      the optimum timing for Kelda conception. Given that Keldas give
      birth to dozens - some say scores - of infant Feegles at a time, the
      process is one of the most difficult parts of keldaring, and
      certainly the longest; this is why occasional Feegle births occur
      early, i.e. under the Rather Large Gazunda, and some of the last-out
      ones aren't born until the early days of the cusp of the Adamant
      Hedgehog.)

      oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

      MIRROR, MIRROR

      Lady Anaemia Asterisk and Miss Weird Alice Lancrevic are pleased to
      announce the opening of THE TURNWISE ALMANACK, an anternet "mirror
      site" that offers the complete works of both the Disc's premier
      astrologist and most, um, unusual bard, as originally published in
      divers issues of WOSSNAME. The Turnwise Almanack is located at:

      http://turnwise.blogspot.com/

      In accordance with WOSSNAME's "Nyah nyah, we get to publish it first
      here, so there!" policy, each month's Horoscope and Song(s) of the
      Month will be republished on the Turnwise webbe site several weeks
      after their first showing in WOSSNAME. So not only do you get to
      view the whole catalogue without trawling through your back emails,
      but also this will serve as a boon to those unhappy few of you whose
      Clacks providers fail to deliver some or all parts of each month's
      issue of WOSSNAME. Of course, if you're one of those unhappy few,
      you probably won't receive this notice either. Oh well, that's the
      way the figgin crumbles. Enjoy!
      oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
      Copyright 2006 by Klatchian Foreign Legion
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      If you did not get all 5 parts, write: jschaum111@...
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